Remembering You

I hope everything turns out okay. But this is just wishful thinking. I am forgetting what it feels like to be in a storm. The fear of the night always seeping into my thoughts. To drag one another down to the very end. To watch the light flash across the cloudy night sky. This is the storm I was afraid of. It rattled the window; loud and shattering through that glass. Uneasy, unprotected, unsecure, and a gut feeling this was not going to end well. For once, I have realized this storm was closer than ever.

Weighing me down with the noises it made. Locking me into a room without doors. Terrified of what could happen in this darkened night. All I am trying to do is forget what it feels like to be in a storm like this. To forget the horrible feels that follow it. Trying to forget the horrible sounds that tag along with this storm. Like the sound of a car hitting a mountain. Or the sound of the car spinning out, stuck on one song playing in repeat. Like the sound of a heart breaking to pieces when the truth comes out. I am trying to forget the light I saw and the life I praise so dearly flash before my eyes. All I am trying to do is forget.

It was a storm like this, that cost me what I truly wanted. A storm like this cost me more than I care to admit. It was a storm like this that drowned my emotions and flooded my shelter. But this particular storm was different. It was from the heart. Not from the sky with a weather system that drug it to my doorsteps. It was from a part of me that could not verbalize the thoughts that kept flooding through. It was a storm heading from tears and memories. Sitting there readily awaiting the last clap of thunder to appear. To mark its path of destruction.

This storm I so deeply feared was self-inflicted. It was nothing more than worried thoughts questioning every motive. It was nothing like that morning on the mountain. It was a storm I was not prepared for.

I hope everything is going to be okay. Although this is just wishful thinking in a storm I am drowning in, this is not goodbye. For once, I have realized this storm is ending soon. But the rain will continue until these feelings and memories end.

But every time it rains, the world disappears and the memories of you come fading back. That is probably why I always loved the way rain felt amongst my skin. That is probably why I am happy whenever it comes to this season. It is that moment when we fell in love with a drop of water, the smell of wet street awaiting us to dance around on it. It was the moment we dreamt of a future. But it was never the moment we lost reality. That moment came when we would talk for hours on end.

Rain storms, thunder in the distance, counting the seconds before lightning strike. What were we waiting for? A storm to tell us what love was? A moment when it would flash before our eyes and we would just know? Was it something that was going to happen no matter what? Or were we just destined to sit and converse over the things we used to do when it came to rain storms? Like how we would jump in the puddles of water, just to get splashed in the end. Like when we grew up and one stayed inside and read stories of mysteries yet to be solved. Like how we lost touch in a rain storm.

We met in a thunderstorm. It was one of those moments we were told we would never forget. It showed, because we held onto that memory. I fell in love in a thunderstorm, waiting for a future that was never going to happen. I became that girl others turned to because I learned what love was at a young age. I always spoke of what love should be. But turned out so “bitter and cold” “afraid to love ever again”. Something that never was the truth. I put all my efforts into protecting other from the type of person I was told I became. Never committing to another person, because they could never really understand me as a person. I let the storm flood my life.

You change when you find someone who teaches you new things, whether it is painful and stupid or knowledgeable and happy. You change into something dark and bitter, or you change into the rain that waters the life you want to grow. But life and love are not always the easy breezy thing that just passes by and everything goes back to the same. Life and love, along with hate and death are all the same. They are the storms that make you alive.

We fell in love during a storm, and it was the best thing in the world. We taught each other through the bumps life threw at us. Maybe I can thank this storm here where I am at for reminding me I was just going through something. I was in my own storm, but things are clearing up. Maybe I can thank this storm for helping me remember that the smell of rain can take you somewhere else. But the feeling of the droplets falling onto my face, reminded me that love is in various forms. For me it is in the way my dog looks at me, the way I can talk to people without faking a smile anymore. For me it is my life being normal again. I once was afraid to speak up. But now, I learned that for someone who went through so much at a young age, that is what taught me that love in a storm. Similar to rain, thunder, and lightning storms, waiting to water something that is not yet there to grow.

Every time it rains, you come flooding back. But this time the world does not fade away, it stays the same. Except now it is truly missing you. That is okay now, because this is my storm finally going away. This storm was not always for you. It held me together for the longest time. And maybe that is why today I can finally write this. Maybe today was my day the dark storm left, but today in reality. It was the day I remembered what I really loved. Maybe one day I can tell people why I was so stuck in the rain and not wanting to let go. But for now, I am letting the light in and growing a new life.

Today, I loved the way the rain felt on my skin. Our love became a storm. It should have died out when you did, but it stayed strong. Today was the day I remembered the moment when we fell in love with a drop of water, the smell of wet street awaiting us to dance around on it. It was that moment we dreamt of a future. But today was that moment I remembered reality was still here, while you were not. Today was the day, I let the storm flood in just to let it go. And today was when it all came to truth.