Rebellion

I had to see Phoebe again this morning. I sort of promised I would see her when my nightmares returned. I wanted to give myself a month before that happened but it came faster than I thought it would. I’m having a little trouble trying to separate my personal fears from my decisions again so maybe Phoebe could help with that.

There’s no record of this being kept yet. As long as I have no liabilities, I can tell her whatever I want. And I’m technically still a patient so she can’t give out any information on me either. No one will know that I’ve been seeing her off the record unless I tell them I am.

“What’d you see?” She asked.

My nightmares have returned again. It’s more about all the blood and people killed than being in space. I’m fine with all the darkness, but blood still makes me feel a little uncomfortable. It’s more about in my dreams than anything else.

“Blood. A lot of it. More like a pool of it.” I said and looked away when I remembered exactly how it was. My nightmares never really change; it’s beginning to fade but I still feel what I felt that day and I can’t seem to deal with it. “I thought I settled this issue already.”

“The trauma never really goes away but you can learn to manage it.” She said, giving me a little hope. “The brain copes in different ways.”

“I’m on medication for my anxiety, it should reduce anything that has to do with my stress.”

“You’re on medication that wasn’t prescribed to you by a physician that hasn’t checked out your mental state or your tolerance.” She pointed out. “You think the meds will fix everything?”

It worked for a while but the effects started to ween off. I noticed when there were more daydreams and nightmares. It should have fixed everything but that’s what happens when I have high expectations, I get disappointed when it doesn’t do what it’s supposed to.

“I don’t want this on my record.” I said.

She shrugged because there was nothing I could do about that.

I knew that too.

My record is a lot worse than I’m letting people see. A few prescribed medications is nothing compared to what my health actually is. And soon my pending charges will rear its ugly head onto my profile.

“Your health should be top priority.” She said, more as a suggestion since it was clear I wasn’t making it my top priority.

She’s right though.

The anxiety and stress induces the panic attacks, my blood pressure increases, my temperature does too. My heart beats at an uncontrollable speed, and if it gets faster than what my body is used to, it could kill me. I’ve already had a heart attack once. I’ve been warned that if it happens a second time, there could be severe damage.

“What should I do?” I asked but she wasn’t going to answer the question for me.

“Maybe it’s time that you get serious help.” She suggested slowly, letting her gaze fall because she knew what she was suggesting to me. She was timid to say it and I knew why.

I would deny that I need the help.

But the second I gave her access to see my actual profile, she had to think what was medically right for me.

I can still think. I can still function. I just need a little help with the other things to manage what I can’t.

“No.” I said and she wasn’t surprised. “I’ll be fine.”

I just want a solution to all my problems.

“You’re lucky this is off the record. I would’ve had no choice but to file a report.” She sighed. The thing about Phoebe is that she wants to make sure all her patients are getting the best possible treatments.

She has told me multiple times that she has to continuously swallow the urge to turn me in. And I get that, I’m putting her in a bad position. The fact that she hasn’t done anything yet is what tells me I can trust her for a while longer. The least I can do for her is tell her that I will be fine and that I will try harder even if I don’t feel like it.

“I’ll be fine.” I repeated to myself.

She crossed her legs and sat up, putting her tablet on her lap. “Have you told anyone what you’re dealing with?” She’s about to make a point.

“I’ve told many people actually.” I said.

“So you’d say you have a good support system, right?” She asked.

I was quick to open my mouth to answer but I didn’t know what to say. I had to close my mouth and think about that one.

I have my family but I’m not always around them anymore. Alara knows a lot about what’s happening but I’ve been keeping some things from her. I haven’t told my parents anything so they don’t count.

Sirus is acting weird.

And with everyone else, I just barely brush up on the topic.

“Hypothetically speaking,” Phoebe started, “what happens if you get to something you can’t handle?” She asked.

I’d tell...

I didn’t say anything and looked away.

I wouldn’t tell anyone and she knows that. Who cares who I have backing me up, I can’t even confide in anyone right now. What’s the point?

I sighed. Well, Phoebe trapped me with that one. I don’t think there’s anything more frustrating than knowing what I’m not going to do and actually not doing it although it could help.

“Okay, right now is just not a good time. I still have a lot to manage and people are always coming to me for help.” I made my excuse and she didn’t buy it. “Phoebe-”

“When was the last time you actually slept for more than eight hours?”

I was about to answer that but I couldn’t because I didn’t remember when I actually slept well.

“Did you have breakfast this morning?” She asked.

No.

I didn’t answer despite wanting to tell her the truth. I had a feeling that she already knew.

“I know you aren’t keeping up with your health, Aurora. Your habits are coming back.”

I’m so tired. I rubbed my sleeved hand on my face and tried to think. I’m stuck. I knew I was stuck, that’s why I came to Phoebe. Does she want me to admit it? It’s not like I have problems recognizing that I do have a problem. It’s fixing the problem that’s giving me problems.

I know life won’t be stress free.

I’ve just gone through too much lately and I want my life to be stress free for one day so I can get myself together.

“You’re right.” I said calmly. “I’m not taking care of myself because I have no idea what’s going on.” It’s true and she is right. “So what do I do?” I asked.

She didn’t open her mouth to answer. And it didn’t look like she wanted me to figure out for myself, she was thinking about something. It took a moment but it looked like she reached an epiphany about me. She looked so stunned when her eyes met mine.

“I can’t believe this.” She put her tablet down on the coffee table and got up to walk around.

Did I do something?

“You look for advice from everyone but it’s not like you take it. You only want to hear what you’re thinking.” She pointed out as she continued to walk.

I wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“You also look for assurance that you’re doing the right thing even if you know you’re not. It’s not even the fact that you constantly doubt yourself, you just want to know if there’s someone there to tell you that everything is fine.” She explained like she figured out all the world secrets.

“Okay...?” Wherever she was going with this must be huge or she wouldn’t be telling me.

“Make yourself vulnerable. And then get the answer you want. That’s how you cope.”

“But I don’t want to make myself vulnerable.” I said slowly. “People don’t listen to me, it’s not like they care, they’ll just say what makes them feel good.”

“Talking is good.”

“Talking is good if you have someone who will actually listen and care for two minutes.”

“Now you’re just making excuses.” She stopped walking and crossed her arms over her chest. “You think I’m going to let you off with that?”

No.

I looked away and said, “I’m not going to make myself vulnerable. I’ve already done that, I hate it, and I won’t do it again.” I don’t care if I’m being stubborn.

“Call me when it works.” She said and moved again, her heels clicking on the floor.

She’s always so confident in herself and she has every right to consider the fact she’s the only person to claim she knows what makes me tick. I can give her credit because she’s not always wrong with me. So I started to think that maybe she was right. Maybe I did want someone to tell me everything was okay despite the fact that I was falling apart.

I honestly feel like I would have a mental breakdown if I were to try and open up. I don’t fear getting shut down or embarrassed or anything like that. I fear that it would be a misunderstanding. Vulnerability is not a weakness. However, not everyone sees it that way.

I am not incapable or incompetent. Vulnerability is not something I like to expose myself to. I’ve had my fair share of mental breakdowns and crying fits.

I honestly just think it’s annoying.

“Okay, fine. I’ll...do it.” I didn’t want to but Phoebe knows what’s good and how to help so I might as well try. But if something bad happens, I’m going to make her take responsibility for it.

“Aurora, you don’t have to tell your darkest secrets.” She said. “Just say how you feel. Talk about what you’re going through. Get rid of the emotions that’s building up.” I rolled my eyes when I heard her say more. We’re back to that again, talking about how I feel and what things mean.

It’s crap.

“Okay.” I said anyway just to make her happy.

I was going to do it despite the fact that I think it’s stupid.

What I don’t want is to expose myself, have a mental breakdown, and cry miserably like the world is ending. I’ve felt that before and I hate it. So I was definitely going to be careful about who I talk to and how much I say.

So when I left, I gave it some thought. How was I feeling, if I was feeling anything, how much it hurt. This morning I got out of bed and left. That’s about it. I can’t think of anything else. I felt void, but today is the first time it’s been like that. I guess it’s because my nightmares are back.

I should think about something else.

It was hot outside. The summer isn’t my favorite season. The brightness isn’t my aesthetic. That was easy to tell because I was still wearing a sweater as if it was winter.

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to blend in. I just want a day that’s stress free, where I don’t have to talk about my problems, where nothing happens. For once, I want to walk with everyone and for no one to notice me, to be ignored, to not matter.

I never get what I really want.

Just standing here makes it easy for me to be found.

I could see Haroldo and Libra not too far off from where I was standing. They noticed me too. They aren’t together unless they want to talk to me. They should stop leaving their regions just to talk to me, though we really do need to get the Rebellion issue under control.

Meeting up is never really a coincidence.

I didn’t say anything as they walked up to me. They didn’t look too happy which means something went incredibly wrong.

“Iris fell for the fake rumor.” Libra said.

That’s actually a good thing.

Yet they still didn’t look happy about it.

“That’s good.” I wasn’t sure why they didn’t like that Iris gave in to what we were hoping he’d do. It’s part of the plan.

“It happened a little too easily.” Haroldo didn’t seem satisfied. “There wasn’t even an argument about what to do. He immediately picked the sectors you predicted.”

“Iris isn’t that much of an arguer...” I said but I see their point.

If there was no struggle then something could be wrong. Or maybe Iris really knew what he was doing and what he wanted. It can’t be a coincidence. Nothing is ever a coincidence. Was he planning this? Or maybe he knew. This is not something I should be stressing out about, but that’s exactly what I was going to do.

“The three other sectors are leaving tonight. We plan to escalate the rumors so Iris is forced to make another decision by the end of the week.” Libra informed me.

“When you find out, tell me which sectors he picks. By then, we should know if it’s any safer or if it’s a death wish.” I turned away.

“Are you okay?” Libra asked the question quickly before I could walk off.

Do they not want me to leave?

They don’t like working anymore. It’s hard to be on both sides. I bet they’re tired of it like the rest of them are. I don’t know what Janus is doing, and I’m not going around to find out exactly what is going on. The two of them were hesitant and I wanted them to not be.

They have this under control.

If they’re paranoid, I will be too.

“Rhea has a hunch about your second profile.” Libra whispered. “She’s been pestering me about it so I don’t know how long I’ll get away with lying to her.”

“She’s going to send me to a mental hospital.” I wanted to give up but I know what’s at stake if I do. “Just let her know that I have it handled.” I said, but neither of them believed me. I do have it handled though.

“On a different note,” Haroldo wanted to change the subject because Libra has been panicking a little too much lately. “Today is the test of your new program for the uniforms. Are you going to come see?”

“And watch everyone shoot at a piece of clothing to see if it’s actually indestructible? No.” I wasn’t interested. I used to have to show up, but now I don’t have to. It’s mostly because I don’t want to and Hariette doesn’t make me anymore.

“Its our only excuse to spend more time with you.” Libra held on to my arm and began walking with me anyway.

Every time there’s a new program update, there’s a bunch of tests that go on to make sure there aren’t any glitches or defects. After all, the army has to deal with the weaponry and the programmed armor. I’m the one that’s been making the new programs so I know they work fine, however, protocol insists on tests. All the sectors agree so they can break out the big guns and go wild.

Thinking about that gave me an idea, though.

My talk with Phoebe earlier came back to mind and I wanted to put her advice to use. Obviously this is taking things to the new extreme, especially with what I plan to do but its the same kind of concept.

She wants me to be vulnerable.

And sure she says she wants me to talk about my problems and get them out there, but right now, I’m not good with my words. I find it hard to express myself, and my anxiety does not help with that.

So, I had an idea.

“Who’s test running today?” I asked as the three of us walked in the building.

“Janus picked sector one since Sirus has been dodging his orders for weeks.” Libra said. “Why?” she asked, but I didn’t answer.

“Come on.” I walked to the elevator and motioned for them to come with me. I don’t have access where I want to go.

Based on the way they were standing next to me, I think I worried them. I mean, I haven’t been making good choices lately, but I have this habit of being spontaneous. I wanted to get rid of my anxiety. I also wanted to confirm Phoebe’s advice.

I was greeted by more people when we got to the basement floor. They were being a little too friendly with me, knowing very well that our involvement with the rebellion together could get exposed. However, like usual, I was polite. In fact, I was in a good mood. Libra and Haroldo were talking quietly behind me, curious about what I was going to do. Janus’ name came up in the conversation but I didn’t say anything as we walked down to the room everyone crowded around.

All the tests are run down here. Considering how dangerous everything is, tests has to be done underground. I was barely down here even when I was Commander. I would have to say that this is my fifth time here. The atmosphere mostly reminds me of being on the Mother ship and I never really wanted to be in that environment again. The others though, it seems they enjoy it more than actually being outside.

Considering how we spent a portion of our lives in an environment that was closed off and mostly used for weaponry development I wouldn’t be surprised.

I looked around to see if Iris was here. That would be an issue. Janus had to be here somewhere too. After all, these types of tests are mandatory for him to attend.

“Aurora, what are you doing?” Libra asked as I moved into the white room where the uniform was.

The room was designed for tests like these. Stray shots of energy are absorbed by the white walls so they don’t explode and cause damage. The room was big enough to have hundreds of people standing inside. Just slightly above were glass settings so everyone would be able to see. This is where we tests new weapons and the new armor programs.

The two of them quickly followed behind me but they didn’t stop me, which made me think they really didn’t care that much. Whether they tried harder or not, I already made up my mind about what I want to do. I picked up the jacket that was laying on a table. The armor was already on, the green bands on the sleeves were glowing. I unzipped it and moved my arms in the sleeves so I could zip it back up. I thought I put the original program on something that was my size. This is too big.

I moved my arms and the sleeves moved down past my fingers. I was about to ask for a bigger size but Libra and Haroldo were more concerned that I’ve snapped and gone insane.

“Aurora!-”

“What? This is a test run, right? Might as well check to see if it works on a human body.” I said as I took off my boots so I could yank the pants up over what I was wearing.

“You’re crazy.” Haroldo left the room.

“I can’t let you do this.” Libra was serious but she didn’t try to get me to take the uniform off. “If this was sector five, then maybe I wouldn’t be so paranoid, but you know sector one. You don’t want them shooting at you.” she wanted to scare me.

I wasn’t scared.

Do I think Sirus would shoot me...on purpose?...I hope not. I know I’ve been getting on his nerves lately, but I don’t think he would take it out on me like that...would he? I should think this through.

“No, I’ll be okay.” I didn’t think long.

“Okay, maybe I should’ve told you this earlier, but Alya and Sirus have not been on good terms lately, and we’ve been trying to get her to apologize because he was just minding his own business and she wanted to mess that all up-”

She was rambling and she does that when she’s terrified which she doesn’t have to be.

“Libra, I’m not going to die.” I assured her. “I mean, I hope I don’t because that would suck.” I added just because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

She shook her head in complete disbelief as she backed away. She wasn’t going to watch a second of this happen.

Honestly, this is a wild, spontaneous, and dangerous decision. In reality though, it makes sense to test a device that everyone will soon be wearing. This is something we should be doing. The prototype doesn’t have any major flaws that would get me hurt. It’s not like I’m making a statement by doing this either. This is all for me; I’m going to figure out how I feel based on how things happen in the next five minutes.

There’s nothing that says vulnerability like placing my life in the hands of a hundred and fifty-one people.

Sirus obviously didn’t say anything when he saw me. I wasn’t nervous to see his expression like I usually am. Funny how sometimes I know I’m doing something wrong but hope Sirus doesn’t get furious with me. If he were upset, he’d drag me out to which I would fight him on but not win. But his expression was completely plain as he stared at me.

I would prefer if this were just him doing this but that’s not how it’s going to happen.

Sector one lined up along the walls, filing in rows as well, their choice of weapons in their hands. By the looks on their faces, they definitely were not expecting this.

I could hear murmuring from the others outside, something about me going insane. Others were saying how I’ve snapped, how I’ve lost my mind. Honestly, I trust my programs enough that I won’t get hurt. There’s never been a glitch on something I’ve worked on. This isn’t going to be a first either.

I stood back on the other wall and waited till whenever they were ready.

I saw the hesitation on most of their faces as they glanced at Sirus first. He was the only one not bothered by the fact that I was standing here, at least he made it seem like he wasn’t bothered. I couldn’t read his expression.

Without a second thought, he gestured for his sector to start shooting.

Just like the walls in the room, the armor absorbs the energy used in our weapons. The only drawback is the heat that’s released. I’ve been more efficient with reducing how much of that heat is released within the armor. It’s one thing to have it released in the environment, but that’s hard to turn it outward.

I could feel the heat in my clothes, and it wasn’t helping that I had another layer underneath.

What sector one loves doing is exploiting any weakness they know about. It’s Sirus’ favorite tactic, and he wasn’t going to spare me just because I wanted to come out here and be a test subject.

I’m glad sector one will continue to be ruthless no matter what the circumstance.

I couldn’t hear over the blows the armor absorbed. The slight wind kept my hair out of my face so I could see; the sweat on my skin didn’t bother me yet. It was just hot, I wasn’t nervous. My heart wasn’t beating hard, and I could still breathe. This was my choice so I wasn’t going to be scared. Now and again, I could feel slight pinches wherever the armor was exposed to the most hits. I should improve that too. That’s a good side note.

Sirus hadn’t lifted either of his guns once since his sector went full force on me.

He waited till they had nothing left and it started to get quiet.

This test should’ve been over by the time everyone was out of energy, but Sirus hadn’t done anything yet. I could tell that he wasn’t in a good mood just by the way he waited. He’s not one to second guess himself, so I doubt that’s what he’s doing at the moment

I have complete faith that Sirus wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. Even if it looked like he might’ve, I was sure that he wouldn’t do anything drastic to me. If something does happen, it just means there’s a flaw in the program. I stared right at him, showing him that he doesn’t scare me. He didn’t look away from me, his black eyes having the same fire that they always have.

The shot to my chest was a test shot.

I didn’t flinch when I felt the heat. I hadn’t seen him move so it took me by surprise. There was another pinch at my shoulders, my arms, my abdomen, everywhere.

All around my body, I felt heat surge with every hit, but it didn’t hurt. My heart was beginning to speed up in my chest, but I didn’t move. I kept my eyes on Sirus. My heart didn’t slow, and I was starting to feel the heaviness in my chest. My breathing was shallow, my hands were getting hot, my face felt flushed, but I stayed in place.

Sirus has more control than what I give him credit for.

He wouldn’t hurt me.

I kept my eyes on him and watched as he lifted his arm higher. He wasn’t hesitant and I wasn’t worried. The armor doesn’t protect what it’s not covering. My face was open. The others were careful enough not to shoot anywhere that would hit above my neck.

I didn’t blink when I saw the green light coming towards me.

There was a sharp pinch on my cheek, but not enough for me to be bothered. No second later did the warmth feel wet on my skin. I heard the loud pop of the surge of energy hitting the wall by my face, but I could only think about the pulse in my skin. Sirus just barely grazed the skin of my cheek, but it was enough to draw blood. A small cut was nothing to sneeze at. He did that out of spite. He’s not happy that I wanted to put myself in this position. I don’t regret it, considering how I’m still alive.

The test doesn’t include Sirus cutting me with a small beam of energy. I hope that’s excluded on the report. It just makes me look bad.

I touched my face to feel the blood on my finger tips. It reached down to my jaw line; before it could drip on the prototype jacket, I took it off and continued to wipe my face with the sleeve of my sweater. I think I might need stitches for this.

I walked out of the room, still having all my limbs in tact. I was a little flushed from the heat, and I have blood on my face, but I’m fine. Libra and Haroldo honestly looked terrified to death. I could hear loud talking around me about what happened a few seconds ago, but it wasn’t that big a deal.

“I need to update the program.” I sighed and took off my boots again. “I thought it was more efficient with the release of heat, but it really isn’t.”

“Is that all you care about!” Libra exclaimed.

I looked up slowly before taking off the pants. If she was that scared, she shouldn’t have watched. I didn’t force her to.

“Libra-”

“Whatever that was, please don’t do it again. I know you have faith in everyone you work with, but I would feel much better if you don’t get spontaneous because we need you to not be fatally hurt.” she said loudly, and stormed off angrily.

I looked at Haroldo and he had the same expression I did.

“She’s really mad.”

“Yeah, I know, Haroldo.” I said quickly.

It was too hot to be crowded around by people so I moved away to get some place where I could breathe and cool off. My sleeved hand stayed pressed over my cheek and my other hand held both my boots. It was easier to breathe when I got away from the stress. The chatter turned into murmurs the further away I got.

My shoulders relaxed and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and thinking how I actually got away with that.

Not too soon did I feel someone push me.

I wasn’t too surprised to see Sirus, a little more than just agitated. I should really stop messing around with him.

“Remember that speech I gave you about tying you to a tree? Do I really need to do that, Aurora?” He asked me, clearly not happy with me. I mashed my lips tightly and looked away. “When you think of these things, do you actually think its a good idea?”

“I was just proving a point.”

“To who?”

“To myself.” I said slowly.

“Oh my God.” He moved away and ran his hands through his hair, trying to control his outburst.

When I say it out loud, it sounds a little dumb. And I get that, but I did what I had to do and I feel satisfied. There’s a small weight that was lifted off my shoulders, and now I’m okay.

“I knew you weren’t going to hurt me-”

“Aurora, that is not the point. I really don’t expect you to get it even though I tell you this all the damn time.” He glared at me. ”Stop putting yourself in situations where you could possibly get hurt.” he said slowly for me like I wouldn’t be able to grasp the concept of his words.

“Okay.” I said because I didn’t want to annoy him.

“You got it?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

He didn’t believe me. I think it’s because of the amount of times we’ve had this conversation before. I feel bad for making him go through whatever he’s going through. I know he gets a little scared for me, but he desperately doesn’t want to show it to anyone. He had to bite back hard on his outburst earlier, didn’t he?

Before he could leave, I took his hand.

I’m not good with my words when it comes to what I’m feeling, but I still have to try anyway.

“Phoebe told me that I should make myself vulnerable, and sure it wasn’t the right approach but I got my answer out of it.” I said quietly. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me, and I trust you enough to let you handle everything. I mostly just need to assure myself that I’m making the right decision.” I explained to him, keeping my eyes down.

He’s been acting weird and that’s all I can think about.

I want to be sure that this isn’t going to hurt me in the end. I know Sirus, but I have my doubts. What I did earlier, I needed to know that he wouldn’t betray me.

He remained quiet for a second like he always does when I admit something serious. He wants to give me time to think about it. He thinks his response doesn’t matter but it really does.

“I don’t understand why you have to be in danger for you to get the answer that you want.” he said. “Out of everything we’ve gone through, you know I’m the last person to do anything to you.”

I should know that.

We’ve saved each other’s lives countless number of times. I should learn by now.

“I know.” I responded quietly.

“We’re gonna have this conversation again. I give it a few days.” he sighed, more annoyed than when he got to me a few minutes ago.

“You really didn’t have to cut my cheek, by the way.”

“You’re lucky it was just the cheek.” he said without missing a beat to my comment. I guess he’s only saying that to keep me in check. “It’s not even that bad.” he touched my face.

I mashed my lips together as his thumb pressed on my wound. Sirus isn’t one to touch my face all the time. In fact, this is what makes me believe that he’s acting weird. I can’t say anything. I’ll just be more doubtful and start acting out of line again. The more he pressed on my cheek, the more I felt the pain from my small cut. I couldn’t move. In one hand I had my boots, in my other was Sirus’ hand.

If I really wanted to shove him away, I would’ve dropped the boots and done it.

Sirus came closer to me, and I thought he was going to kiss me. I genuinely thought that he might’ve done it, and I sort of expected it. With the way he leaned towards me, the way his fingers were under my chin, the way he was actually being gentle with me, I guess I wanted it.

“Stop doing dumb shit, Aurora.” he whispered over my lips.

My eyes opened in disbelief. I didn’t breathe out either; I continued to hold my breath as I felt Sirus kiss my lips. I wasn’t happy, but neither was he. Sirus managed, like always, to put me in a bad mood.

I took my hand out of his and sighed when he pulled away. “I think I should stay with my family for a few days.” I knew how to put him in bad mood, too. “Don’t bother me.” I turned to leave; when he touched my shoulder, I just shrugged him off me.

I have to go to work.

Hariette was probably somewhere, dealing with the issue I caused. If something were to happen to me, it would’ve been on Janus since it’s his territory. I think I saw Taurus here too. I don’t know where she’d be now. Maybe it would be best if I just leave.

Before leaving, I finally took off the prototype pants I was wearing over my other pants, and I put on my boots. The first place I went to was the front desk on the ground floor. It would be better if I can escape anyone that may have something to say to me. I put the pants up on the front desk, getting Nova’s attention.

“Can you give this to Janus?” I asked.

“What did you do?” She asked, recognizing the glow on the belt. There has to be a reason why I was wearing it, and by the expression on her face, she actually didn’t want to know. “I can give it to him but...” Her glance shifted somewhere else. “Looks like you can do it yourself.” She ducked her head so she wouldn’t be seen.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. If I wish hard enough, he might not actually be there, right? I turned to see if my wish came true but it didn’t.

Behind him, Hariette and Taurus were warning me not to do anything. Depending on how Janus treats me, I might heed their warning.

As usual, I couldn’t tell anything by his expression. He does have more grey hairs so I guess this job is hard on him. His eyes remained cold as he looked at me.

“Quite a show you put on.” He said.

I honestly think I snapped. He barely said anything, and there was no tone to it, but I think I snapped anyway.

“Might as well test a program I have to keep updating every month.” I was bitter about the petty work. “Did you need me to fix something again?” I asked, but it was more with an attitude.

He knows I’d throw away any new command. I’m tired of the extra work that has nothing to do with my job.

“Aurora is just stressed about everything that’s going on-” Hariette came next to me to try and shut me up but I didn’t want her to.

“No, I’m not.” I stopped her, then I looked at Janus to ask, “can’t you go more than a month without finding something wrong with my program?”

Taurus was still behind him, warning me to not push it any further than I should; she continued to shake her head and gesture for me to cut it out. I was still wound up. I’m also tired of Janus putting me to work as if I specifically work for him. I don’t work with his half of the department.

I just want everyone to leave me alone!

“I’ll give it a shot.” Janus said plainly and turned away so he could leave.

I can expect a new task by next week, I know it.

Hariette had her hand on my shoulder, and she was gripping me too hard. I began cringing once her fingers were digging into my skin through my sweater, that’s how much effort she was using.

“Do you want him to write you up?” She asked through her teeth. “Just based on what you did earlier, I have the authority to put you on probation.” She threatened me with that.

“You wouldn’t-”

“You are not authorized to do test runs by yourself.” Her hand gripped harder on my shoulder. “The last thing we need is Janus getting you fired, and Human Resources investigating everything about you.”

“You also could’ve gotten seriously hurt.” Taurus added in on the other side of me.

“But I didn’t.” I said.

They didn’t care. Hariette just about wanted to hurt me but she kept her hands to herself. They weren’t the only ones stressed about what I did. I believed that Sirus wouldn’t order people to hurt me. Honestly, I would’ve been fine. Worst case scenario, I get burned. Or maybe, get fatally wounded.

It’s not like I’m going to do it again.

“What happened?” Nova asked, getting curious because she had no idea what was going on.

“Aurora put the prototype armored uniform on and let sector one go at it during the test run.” Hariette was glaring at me.

And she has every right to be mad but I would hope she didn’t want to kill me.

“Aurora!” Nova was just as disapproving.

“Oh come on.” I groaned. “What’s the point of testing it if no one is wearing it? Someone needs to change that rule.” I covered for myself.

“That’s so dangerous though.” Nova said. “Something could’ve happened to you, and you know we need you.” She said seriously.

The three of them stared at me without saying anything else. I kept a plain expression on my face.

“You don’t get it.” Hariette sighed.

“I do.” I didn’t want them to worry.

The three of them sighed though since they really thought it didn’t get to me. I don’t know what to tell them but I hope they understand that everything’s fine, that I’m fine, and I haven’t snapped.

“Now Janus is going to be all over me about what happened.” Hariette sighed as she snatched the pants off the desk. “Stop being crazy.” she muttered to me and turned away.

When I looked at Taurus, she shrugged before following Hariette.

Maybe I should really calm down. I’ve been a little high strung lately and I should take it easy. I looked at Nova but she looked down at her work instead because she didn’t want to be involved anymore.

“Am I crazy?” I asked her.

“You shouldn’t ask people that know you.” She warned me. “You know,” she looked up again, “You weren’t like this years ago.”

“Things happened.”

“You were all about following the rules. Now you’re leading a rebellion against the system-”

“No,” I had to stop her. “I’m aiding the rebellion. People are taking care of their issues, and I’m just offering my engineering services.”

“You have an army backing you up-”

“Nova,” I hissed when she started to get too loud. I don’t need people hearing her.

“What? I’m just telling the truth.” She said, looking away to go back to work.

“Thanks, Nova.” I said bleakly as I turned to leave.

I should go to work and actually do my job. I haven’t been that productive except with the rebellion. I finally have my anxiety under control and I should take advantage of that. However, I felt a little tired. And after my stunt today, I deserve to take a nap.

I walked outside slowly, only to find Sirus waiting, probably not for me but that’s okay.

I went over to him but I didn’t say anything at first. I was so tired. I maxed out on my pent up rage when I thought I was going to go head to head with Janus. I leaned on Sirus, letting my head press on his back as I groaned miserably.

“Get off me.” He still wasn’t in a good mood because of what I did earlier. I thought we already had that conversation, but Sirus never lets anything go when it makes him angry.

I wasn’t going to focus on that.

“Am I crazy?” I asked.

“You’re fucking insane.” He didn’t need to give it much thought.

“Can you answer without your negative bias towards me?”

“I did.”

I pulled my lips in and sighed quietly. Well I’m not surprised. I stood beside him and took a deep breath. I don’t think I’m crazy. That’s all that matters.

Right now, I need to focus on the rebellion and figuring out how to control my anxiety.

“I knew you’d come with me.” Sirus said plainly.

“I actually wasn’t going to.” I looked at him. “Unless you ask me.” I smiled when he glanced at me. He’s never going to ask, that’s just how Sirus is.

“Where’d you wanna fuck today?” he asked.

My expectations were too high.

“That’s not what you’re supposed to ask.”

“You’re right.” he took a second to himself. “You never really care where.” he said to himself but I heard him. I hit his arm.

“Why can’t you be nice?-”

“You’re not that fucking nice either.” He rubbed his arm where I hit him. I’m always nice, that’s something he likes to exploit.

“I would prefer if you keep your sexual comments to yourself.” I said bitterly, looking away and crossing my arms.

“Oh, come on, baby. You love it when I talk dirty to you.” He tried to put his arm around me but my hand gripped his forearm to stop him. “Your resistance is cute but after five years, you should learn.” He used his other arm to bring me to him.

“We’re in public.” I tried to shove him away.

“Even sexier.”

“I actually don’t like it when you’re being vulgar, so please, let go of me.” I kept pushing on his chest so he could let me go. If I call for help, will someone get him off me? Sirus just really wanted to touch me and I was not okay with that.

It took a little effort but he finally let me go. But I did in fact feel his hand touching my ass and he was not discreet. I really just want to hit him.

“Sirus!-”

“Alright, alright.” He held his hands up so I could see them. “Let’s just go home.”

With him? I don’t think so. I’m not going anywhere with him today. I looked up to him for a second, about to tell him off unsuccessfully but I didn’t. Instead I turned to walk away because I have things to do and people to calm down. He didn’t fight me but I know I’m going to see him later.

Sirus doesn’t take no for an answer.

Thank goodness he’s not as obnoxious as he used to be. I don’t have to worry about truly fighting my way out of his hold. Whether he’s tired of doing it or holds on to his belief that I will always come back to him, I don’t care.