Aynsefian

The whole of my existence is now quite surreal. I know I am close to death. I haven’t eaten in almost a week. I have no water left and have barely had half a litre in the last three days. I’ve just walked forty-five kilometres in freezing conditions, wearing inadequate clothing. My fingers are still numb and possibly frostbitten. I haven’t washed in days.

My companions are completely spent and probably close to death. I know I should try to pick them up and get them to the cave, but I haven’t the energy or willpower to do it. I feel bad at leaving them on the ground. Truth is, I barely have the strength to walk on my own.

I’m not sure where I’m finding the will to live.

Maybe I’m just following Salvation out of habit. Or it’s pure stubbornness. My mother always said I had that trait in spades.

The one thing that drives me is those weird looks of destiny on the faces of Arlyss and Cindlyss. In the absence of anything else, I draw belief from those looks. It’s all I’ve got.

The Purlinians have been important to me in the past week in other ways, too. Their cuddling with me has changed me in ways I didn’t expect. I enjoyed the feeling of being physically close with them during the brief minutes they shared my bed. It was nice in ways I hadn’t expected. I didn’t feel any attraction to them. They’re another species, for a start. The closeness was just… nice. It was calming, even mildly joyful. I wonder why I shunned human contact for all these years. When did it start? It seems like I’ve always been that way.

My parents were good people but they were never affectionate with me. On reflection, I don’t think this was the cause of my self-imposed exile from physical closeness. I can’t really remember any specific events that might have triggered my asexuality. Am I masking something from my memories? Some sort of abuse, perhaps? It’s possible but it really doesn’t seem logical.

I’m bewildered that I had to experience massive grief and loss and then be near death to see that I am missing something vital in my life: human intimacy. Where did I go wrong?

Maybe it was the perfect synergy with Nikse. She was modified and specially altered just for me. Perhaps it was overdone. For the several years that I’ve been with her I have reasoned that I can never find that sort of connection with a real human. But why can’t I try? Maybe I’ll fail, but I could at least try, couldn’t I? Maybe I won’t find perfection, but I could still find happiness.

It feels like I might die before I get the chance.

I’m nearly at the end of Salvation’s journey but I’m far from confident it’ll end with water. All that has existed so far on the planet is biting cold and constant wind. Doesn’t planetary water require clouds and precipitation? I wish I could ask the Purlinians.

I feel a few pangs of guilt in bringing them here, possibly to their death. I have grave fears for them right now. I didn’t have the energy to carry or support them over this last few hundred metres to the cave entrance. I’m barely managing myself. The fatigue is almost overwhelming.

I’m feeling desperately tired and am fighting an overwhelming desire to just quit here, on this spot where I’ve momentarily stopped.

Would dying be so bad? Isn’t it just like falling asleep, and then you wake up in the afterlife? Maybe I’ll do that.

Or not.

I must try to finish this goddamn journey. Salvation is waiting for me at the entrance to the cave. I’m feeling anxiety in leaving the Purlinians where they are, but I reason that I must determine whether or not there is drinkable water here. That takes precedence.

I will fix all of this. I will save their lives by finding water in the cave, if it’s there. If it isn’t, there’s nothing more I can do for myself or them. It’s all down to finding drinkable water. It’s all down to me.

My thoughts turn again to the regret I have felt at my recent decisions. The ones I made that led me to this spot. That regret has not been helpful. I must, in this darkest hour, find a better way of thinking. I may not have long to live. I should try to at least be calm and accepting at the end of my life.

I will not berate myself anymore. I will accept that I made the best choices I could possibly make at each turn, with the best of intentions.

I will get over the loss of my soulmate Nikse. I will stop referring to her as a soulmate. She was an artificial intelligence. She wasn’t a real person. She was a beautiful, intelligent, considerate, loving AI. She wasn’t a human, though.

I will survive in this cave somehow. I will find a way to bring Arlyss and Cindlyss up here too and we will all survive. We will await rescue and then we will go home. I will not seek revenge for my banishment. It’s worthless waste of the rest of my life, whatever happens. I will rededicate my life to finding a human female like Nikse, whom I can relate to. I will stop living in a dream world, deluding myself that I’m asexual and don’t need deep relationships. I will report back to my superiors of my findings on this long journey and I will tell them not to send anyone else into Melcheisa. I will ask them to send someone else on this exploration trek, because I’m not up to it. It’s okay though, I accept that. At least I tried. They will know that and understand. I know my support organisation back there on Inconflencia. They’re good people.

I can see them now, welcoming me into the conference room and headquarters. I shuffle forward to meet them. I’m aware that I’m not very well presented and must look horribly shabby to them. I hope they’ll forgive me for that. My throat is seriously dry. I try to speak.

“Hey guys”, I croak. “Say, it’s a bit dark in here. Don’t you think you could turn the lights on or something?”

There’s no response. I rub my eyes. Everything is hazy and my vision is playing tricks on me. Then a small light turns on. That’s better! Thanks guys!

Hang on. There’s no-one here in this room. It’s very big, though, just like the entrance to a ship’s hangar.

Wait. I’m still on AA48103. I just entered the cave. I had a few moments of delirium. That light that just turned on was Salvation’s. He’s lighting up the cave. At least a little bit, anyway. I try to snap back to my present reality. My consciousness is fading in and out. I must save my own life and then go back and save the Purlinians. It’s the only thing I truly want now. I must save my life so I can save theirs. Then I won’t feel guilt for being an idiot and dragging them into this situation.

I don’t give a damn that they have those strange looks of destiny about them. I’m responsible for their possible deaths. I will fix this situation or die trying.

I rub my left hand slowly through my seven-day growth beard while I try to think and to force my eyes to work properly. What does Salvation’s readout say? My hazy vision thinks I can see zero point six-eight-eight kilometres. I’ll go with that. Yeah, that’s what his readout says. It’s a problem, though.

We’re still not there yet.