Would You Rather: A Novel

Mia watched Noah’s back as he walked away and turned the corner, moving out of view. He moved with confidence and purpose, and her eyes trailed down his body, butterflies rising with each step he took.

Stop. What are you doing?

The forehead kiss had disarmed her, and she shook her head a little. She sat between her new friends, ready to talk about class and whatever else, but they both stared at her, mouths hanging open.

“What?”

“Girl,” Bridget said.

“That’s your husband?” Anita asked.

Mia smiled, suddenly unsure what to do with her hands. “Oh. Um, yeah, that’s my husband.”

“Well done. Very well done,” Anita said. “Very.”

Mia laughed and her cheeks heated.

“I almost burst into flame just watching him look at you,” Bridget said, wafting air toward her face.

“What do you mean?” Mia asked.

Bridget cocked a brow. “That man is head over heels for you.”

“Um.” Mia glanced back to where he’d turned the corner. “I mean, he’s into me the normal amount. That a husband is for a wife.” She sucked so bad at this.

Anita laughed. “No. My husband is into me the normal amount. That?” She waved a hand in the general direction where they’d been standing. “That was not normal.”

Mia didn’t know what to say to that.

“How long have you been married?” Bridget asked.

“It’s almost been three months. But we’ve known each other since we were kids.”

Anita sighed. “That’s so sweet.”

Bridget propped her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand. “I can’t wait to find a guy who looks at me like that.”

Mia kept her face carefully arranged into a smile while her brain whirred to process their words.

Noah had done nothing different tonight. He’d always looked at her like that.

“How is that, exactly?” she heard herself ask.

Bridget chuckled. “Like you’re the only thing in the room that matters. Like he wants to worship you and give you everything he has to offer, while at the same time throw you over his shoulder and carry you to bed.”

Mia’s eyes went wide.

“You’re right—we don’t know each other that well yet. Too much?” Bridget asked with a grin.

“No. You remind me of my best friend Claire,” Mia said.

Bridget nodded. “Sounds like my kind of woman.”

“We already ordered,” Anita said, and Mia could have hugged her for changing the subject. “Did you want a drink?”

Mia got up to order a latte, and when she returned they talked for an hour and a half about everything from their favorite places in town to get their nails done to how they planned to integrate themselves back into a full college course schedule. Bridget was pursuing a degree in early childhood education while Anita’s path was in communications, but despite their varied paths they shared a similar excitement of what was to come.

It was nice to know she wasn’t the only one.

After saying goodbye, Mia wove her way to the back of the store to find Noah in a chair in the fiction section, engrossed in a mystery novel. He looked up when she approached.

“Whatcha reading?”

He held up the book just like he had that night when they’d shared his bed.

“Is it good?”

He grinned. “I don’t know.”

She couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. Sometimes he surprised her, like now—bringing up the awkwardness of that night. He’d seemed a little dazed that night, but she hadn’t wanted to call attention to it. She’d been nervous, too. Of all the nights to get sick, it had to be the one where she’d slept inches away from his warm body.

The mental image of him propped up against the headboard, all that skin and muscle and ink on display…there was no denying she’d felt…things. The attraction she felt for him had smacked her across the face like a harsh wind during a snowstorm, sending her heart fluttering around her chest in search for an escape.

He looked just as sexy now, in a leather wingback chair, wearing chinos and a navy V-neck T-shirt, one ankle propped on the opposite knee. His red hair was in slight disarray but his blue eyes were sharp, regarding her with interest.

That man is head over heels for you.

Her eyes dropped to his left hand and the ring circling his fourth finger. She swallowed. “Ready to go?” she managed to get out, her voice a little uneven.

He stood. “Sure. Let me just put this back.”

“I thought you said you needed a new book?”

He shrugged, and she waited for him to put the book back in its proper place. They walked side by side past the rows of books, and she kept her hand available by her side, feeling strangely bereft. Had he only held her hand as a show when they were meeting her friends?

But then his fingers slid across her palm, linking their fingers, and a tiny piece of the wall she’d built broke off and crashed to the ground.

“I need advice.”

Claire set down her cocktail glass and threw her hands in the air with a flourish. “Finally! I’ve been waiting weeks for this. Tell me.” She leaned forward, nodding sagely. “What happened?”

Mia put her elbows on the table and pressed her fingers to her forehead. “I—I don’t know how to say this.”

“Boned? Had sex? Rocked each other’s worlds? Take your pick and let’s talk details already.”

“Jeez, Claire,” Mia exclaimed. “Noah and I didn’t have sex.”

“You didn’t?”

“No.”

Claire looked bored. “What’s this about, then?”

Mia shook her head, getting her thoughts back on track. “It’s like… I don’t know. I’ve been feeling things. And I sort of get the feeling Noah has, too.”

“Feelings,” Claire deadpanned. “That’s all you’ve had?”

Mia pushed her lips out a little. “Well, we made out in the old tree house.”

“Excuse me? When was this?”

“A few months ago.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Claire pulled the bowl of edamame they’d been sharing to her side of the table, curving her arm around it protectively.

“Are you punishing me by withholding the appetizer?”

“Yep.” She put a bean between her teeth and pulled the shell back out. “Talk.”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time. Noah said it was a mistake, and I believed him. We just did it because we knew we’d have to kiss in front of other people every once in a while to keep up appearances, and wanted to get past the weirdness.”

“Did it work?”

“I’m not sure. It wasn’t weird. Not during, anyway. It was pretty hot, actually. I don’t think I would have stopped if he hadn’t pulled away.”

Claire pumped her fist. “Fucking finally.”

“Claire!”

“What?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You and Noah have the most messed-up dynamic I’ve ever seen. You both want each other but you pretend not to, and it’s the most exhausting and delightful thing to watch. You’re a train wreck of epic proportions.”

“I can’t believe you just called us a train wreck.”

“It’s true.”

“We don’t want each other.”

“Lies. When you walk away, he always watches you go. And you always look back.”

A flush traveled across her skin and she wanted to sit with those words and analyze them (he always watched her go?), but she ignored temptation and shook her head. “He told me he didn’t want me. Point-blank, to my face.”

“You misinterpreted. Or were high on pain meds. Or something. And it was nine years ago, so. Who cares?”

“I care,” Mia maintained. “Don’t you remember how everything went down?”

“Not really. I was pretty worried about you when you first got sick. It’s kind of a blur, to be honest.”

How had Mia ended up with such wonderful people surrounding her all these years? “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

She disagreed, but arguing with Claire was rarely worth it, so she let that part go. “Well, let me refresh your memory.” Seemed like her own heart could use the reminder, too. “After you tried to set us up that night in college—”

“Because it was so obvious you wanted each other,” Claire interrupted.

Mia continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “—we never met up because I felt sick and went home. He left for Nathan’s bachelor party camping trip, and while he was gone I got diagnosed. When he got back, do you remember how he stayed in my room for like, a week straight?”

“Yeah. Every time I came by, he was there.”

“He even slept there. It was like two in the morning one night but neither of us could sleep. I don’t know why, but I brought it up. God knows we had enough on our minds, but I’d realized in those few days I’d be saddled with this illness for the rest of my life, and what it would mean to everyone around me. I had to tell him I couldn’t do it. It was eating at me, wondering if he’d been thinking about it too, and if he was hoping we’d pick up where we left off that night at the fraternity house. I told him I wanted to talk about it. Right away he told me he hadn’t meant any of it. That he just wanted to be friends, and he was sorry he led me on like that.”

Mia paused, letting those words hang in the air. Claire looked at her thoughtfully. She took a drink and set her glass back down.

“Tell me something,” Claire began. “You wanted to put a stop to things because of your diagnosis. Not because you didn’t have feelings for him. Right?”

Mia tucked her hair behind her ear. “Yes. I guess that’s true.”

“What if Noah did the same?”

“What do you mean?”

“Noah cared for you back then. I knew it. Everyone knew it. What if something about the stress of losing his brother and your illness made him have the same reaction? What if he said those things, but just like you, he said them despite his true feelings? What if he wanted to be with you, but felt like it wasn’t the right time?”

“Why wouldn’t he just say that?”

“Why didn’t you?”

Mia frowned, feeling defensive. “He’d just said it was a mistake. I followed his lead and said I wanted to stay friends, too.” It would have led to the same result either way.

“But you didn’t tell him you had feelings for him. You just said you wanted to be friends.”

“Yeah…”

“I think that’s what Noah did, too.”

The space between Mia’s brows became even smaller. “I don’t. That conversation is burned in my brain like it was yesterday. When he called it a mistake, he definitely meant it.” She’d worked hard in the weeks following to dispel any deeper feelings she had for Noah, and focus on their friendship. She’d known they would need each other after everything they’d been through.

It had taken several months, but she’d finally arrived at a place where she didn’t think of him as more. He was her best friend, and she was thankful for that. It had been that way ever since.

Until that damn kiss.

“Well,” Claire said, pushing the edamame bowl back to the middle. “I still say you talk to him about it.”

“Why?”

“Because something’s changing. You just said something feels different. And you’re confused and don’t know what’s going on in his head. Noah doesn’t deny you anything. All you have to do is ask.”

“Then what? What if he says he wants more, and what happens if I want more? It’s just going to muddle everything even more because my stance hasn’t changed. I won’t put my baggage on someone else.”

“Even someone who loves you?”

An image of her parents flashed through her mind, and her resistance flared stronger than ever.

“Especially someone who loves me.”