The Brightest Light of Sunshine

When I wake up, it’s still dark outside and the first thing my mind registers is that my body is inside a huge, very warm cocoon. There’s a heavy weight on my stomach, right against my skin, as if whatever it is had crawled beneath the fabric of my sweater and settled there. My eyes flutter open, and I take in the shadows in the living room. Cal’s living room. Shit. I never went home last night, did I?

So that means that my warm cocoon…

My heart starts racing as if it were running a freaking marathon inside my chest. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Friends don’t fall asleep together, cuddling on the couch, and wake up with tangled bodies. We shouldn’t be doing this.

Shit, shit, shit.

I attempt to sit up, but Cal’s hand on my stomach pulls me back against his chest and a soft grunt escapes his throat. The sound is almost erotic, and it crawls beneath my skin.

Well, fuck me.

But not literally.

God, no, I didn’t mean it like that.

Shit.

Desperate to get away so my heart can get a damn grip, I sit up abruptly which ends up waking him up. Before he can even open his eyes, though, I’m already on my feet.

“Grace?” The deep and raspy sound of his morning voice makes my thighs clench, and I hate myself a little more. “What time is it?”

I quickly grab my phone from the coffee table. I must’ve left it there at some point last night after our texting session. “Six-thirty.”

He rubs the sleep away from his eyes with those massive fingers and sits up on the couch. When he takes me in, he frowns, “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

I gulp. “We fell asleep.”

His arched eyebrow is nothing short of sarcastic. “That’s what happens at the end of a tiring day.”

I scowl at him. “I know. That’s not what I meant.”

“So, what did you mean?” I have a feeling he already knows, but I also suspect he will force me to say it anyway.

When he stretches his arms above his head, those muscles flexing and contracting, I look away.

“I meant that we… you know.”

“I really don’t.” I’m not looking at him, but it doesn’t matter because I can practically hear the smirk in his voice.

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Why? Are you embarrassed?”

I glare at him. “Yes.”

He lets out a low chuckle that makes my insides tingle. “Aw, come on. Did you not sleep well?”

“I slept well, but that’s not the point.” I don’t think I’ve had such a great night’s sleep in a long time, but I don’t tell him that.

“The point is that we fell asleep all cuddled up and warm, I get it.” He winks at me as he stands up and I think I stop breathing for a few seconds.

When he stops right next to me, his arm brushing mine, his voice drops with concern. Or maybe it’s just my imagination. “I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I?”

I lift my chin to look him in the eye, so he can see the truth in every word. “No. You never make me uncomfortable, Cal.”

He gives me a small nod, his darkened eyes never leaving mine. I suppress the urge to lick my lips, because I know that’s where his eyes would settle, and I don’t think I could take the sight of his stare on my mouth without doing something dumb.

Something dumb, like what?

“Don’t overthink this,” he tells me, voice still roughened from sleep. “We’re still friends, right?”

“Of course.” There are no doubts in my mind about that. And just to lighten the mood because I know he needs it, I add, “I just didn’t know you were such a big cuddly bear.”

His features relax at my teasing tone. “I do love my hugs, not gonna lie.”

I tuck away the information for later. “Hey, can I, um, use the bathroom?” I ask awkwardly. I don’t think my bladder can take it anymore.

“Sure thing. Um, come with me.”

I follow him into the sole room on the opposite side of the kitchen. “This is my bedroom. It has an attached bathroom. There’s another one, but it’s right next to Maddie’s room and I don’t want her to wake up just yet,” he tells me as he opens the door, and suddenly my cheeks heat up.

I’m in his space. That’s his bed, with his white sheets and gray comforter. It’s too dark to make out a lot of details, but I spot a couple of picture frames on his bedside table and some artwork on the walls. Too stunned to pay attention to anything else but the fact that I’m in Cal’s room, I don’t even hear him open another door until he flips the light switch.

“This is my bathroom. You can take a shower if you want, and… Wait.” As he looks for something in one of the cabinets, I look around the space like the nosey person I am. It’s clean and tidy, with black and white modern touches. “Found it.”

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise when I notice the brand-new yellow toothbrush, still in its package. “Thank you.” I don’t overthink why he might have one of these lying around because I really could use some dental hygiene right now.

“I’ll leave you to it. What time did you have to be at your dorm, again?”

It takes my mind a moment to remember what day it actually is. “Not until noon.”

“Good. I’ll drop you off after leaving Maddie at school, ‘kay?”

“You don’t have to do that,” I tell him quickly. He’s already done too much for me. “I can just take an Uber.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

My lips twitch. “Fine.”

He only winks at me before closing the bathroom door behind him, leaving me all alone with a confused heart.

***

When I come out of the bathroom a few minutes later, I find Cal already dressed in jeans and a clean t-shirt. I don’t know when he applied that cologne, but jeez. He smells amazing, like wooden spice.

“And now I just feel like a stray dog,” I blurt out, because of course I do.

He raises an amused eyebrow. “You don’t look half bad.”

“And what happened to the other half?” When he only laughs, I mutter, “Asshole.”

“I’m joking.” He nudges my arm playfully. “I’m waking Maddie up in a bit. I must warn you that she tends to get a bit cranky in the mornings, though.”

“That’s fine. What do you usually have for breakfast?”

He crosses his arms, and I try so hard not to look at the way his biceps flex. I fail. “You don’t have to make anything. I’ll cook.”

But I shake my head. “You cooked last night. Plus, it’ll give me something to do while you’re with Maddie. Come on, grumpy man, tell me what you want to eat.”

His eyes darken with something similar to confusion for a moment. When he blinks, it’s gone. “Buttered toast is fine.”

I frown. “Absolutely not. That’s boring, Cal. No wonder your sister wakes up in a bad mood.”

He rolls his eyes playfully. “What do you suggest, then?”

“How about some pancakes?”

“Mm-hmm.” When he reaches up to open the cabinet above the sink his t-shirt rides up his stomach, giving me a first-row view of his defined abs. I look away, cheeks warm. “We’re out of pancake mix.”

“Do you have flour?” He nods. “Sugar?” Another nod. “Milk and eggs?” When he nods again, I can’t help but chuckle. “Then you don’t need pancake mix, dumbass. I can make them from scratch.”

“Okay, chef.” He pulls my hair playfully. “I’ll get the ingredients for you.”

Once everything is neatly laid out on the counter, I grab a bowl and start on my pancakes—they’re my specialty. He asks me if I’ve got everything I need, and only when I reassure him for the third time does he disappear into what I assume is Maddie’s half of the apartment. It’s kind of cute that she has her own space, bedroom and bathroom, in her brother’s home. Despite their age difference, they couldn’t be closer.

And because I’m not getting any less nosey, I purposely sharpen my ear when I hear a door opening.

“Good morning, princess. It’s time for school.”

A small, tired grunt answers him. I smile.

“Grace is making pancakes, but you have to be quick, or we’ll eat them all.”

“Grace is here?” Her voice sounds so quiet I can barely hear it.

“Yes, peanut. And she’s making you the yummiest breakfast. Come on, let’s get up.”

I go back to mixing the ingredients in my bowl, pretending that I wasn’t eavesdropping just a second ago. Soon Cal enters the kitchen with a very sleepy Maddie in his arms. She looks so ridiculously tiny against his wide chest and big arms that my ovaries do a flip. Again.

“Good morning, Maddie.” I smile warmly at her. “I’m making pancakes, see?”

“With butter?” she asks with her cheek pressed against Cal’s shoulder.

“Yes. They’ll be ready very soon.”

“Let’s get dressed while Grace finishes breakfast.” Cal sends me a soft smile as he disappears down the hall again, and my insides melt.

Forty minutes and a few pancakes later, we are ushering a still grumpy Maddie out of the door and into the backseat of Cal’s car. In her own words:

“I don’t wanna go to school. I wanna sleep.”

I can’t say I don’t share the sentiment. This only confirms that I would be a terrible big sister, because unlike my lazy ass—who would be more than down to stay home and take a nap—, Cal is having none of it.

“Tough luck, peanut.” And there’s that.

She’s so quiet during the ride that I keep glancing back at her, fearing she falls asleep. Cal assures me she’s just being dramatic, hoping her antics would work and he takes her back home.

“She does this every time.” He smiles fondly at his sister through the rear mirror. “And then she forgets about me the second she sees her friends.”

I chuckle. “I was the same. I liked the idea of staying at home, but then I had so much fun with my friends that I forgot all about my bed.”

Maddie’s preschool isn’t far from his apartment, in one of the fanciest areas of Warlington. I wish her a good day when Cal opens the door for her, and I watch with a small smile as they leave hand-in-hand. I can’t help but notice the drastic, almost hilarious contrast between his huge intimidating build and the rest of the parents’, all clad in suits and office clothes. That could never be me at eight in the morning.

Once Maddie’s given her brother a kiss on his cheek, I see firsthand how Cal’s words become true—another little girl runs up to her and tugs at her sleeve, urging her to go inside with her. Maddie waves at Cal one last time and disappears inside the brick building.

As he makes his way back to the car, I can’t help but think he’s truly a sight to behold. At what I would guess is around six foot three or four, he towers over most people in the street, the black ink in his arms shining under the early morning sun. If I didn’t know him, I would pin him for a broody asshole. I know, I know. I’m a superficial ass, yes. It’s just that I’ve never had a friend with so many tattoos, or a friend so huge, or so imposing, or so—

“Take a picture; it’ll last longer,” is the first thing he says when he slides into the driver’s seat, and I kind of want to die because of it.

The only solution? A death stare. “In your dreams, Sammy.”

The corner of his lips twitches in what I’ve learnt to recognize is the beginning of a teasing smirk. “You take a lot of pictures of me in my dreams, Gracie?”

My cheeks heat up at the question, so I force my eyes down to my phone screen with zero notifications on it. “I’m not going to answer that.”

“Aw, come on.” He nudges my shoulder playfully. “Hey. Now that I think about it, you never updated me on your vampire book.”

I give him the side-eye. “I thought you were joking about that.”

“I’m absolutely not joking.”

“Uh.”

“So, how’s it going? Have they sixty-nined yet?”

I groan, and he laughs. “No, they haven’t.” God, we really are having this conversation. “I haven’t had much time to read, so for now they’ve only hooked up a little.”

“What does it mean to hook up a little?” he asks with a smile he can’t hide anymore.

“Um.” How do I tell him that I have no idea? “I… You tell me.”

Something similar to a choking sound comes out of his throat. “Why would I tell you?”

I shrug, wondering if it will shock him too much if I open the door right now and jump. “I figured you have, I don’t know, more experience? Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?” I blurt out, because self-control is something I haven’t quite mastered yet when I’m around this man.

He doesn’t look too fazed by my question. “No boyfriends for me; I’m into women, but I don’t have a girlfriend currently. My last relationship ended around the time Maddie was born.”

I want to ask him if he’s had more girlfriends and why the relationship ended, but I bite my tongue. “See, that counts as experience.”

He hums and stays quiet for a couple more minutes. Then, “I’m guessing you don’t have a boyfriend?”

I shake my head until I realize he’s paying attention to the road and can’t see me. “No.”

“Girlfriend, then?”

“Nope.”

“Have you ever been in a relationship, then?”

I don’t feel ashamed when I say, “No. I mean, I’ve kissed a couple of boys, but I’ve never dated any of them.”

“Interesting,” he muses. “Why not? If you don’t mind me asking.”

My head starts spiraling before I can get a hold of it. Why not? The question echoes inside my brain as I fight to stay afloat in this imaginary ocean of anxiety and unwanted memories.

Because I was a shy kid.

Because I feared being hurt, only to end up shattered anyway.

Because after the worst day of my life, a piece of me broke and sometimes I don’t think it will ever heal.

Because although I keep telling myself that I’m moving on, that one day I’ll crave intimacy like I deeply want to, that impossible future feels like a dark tunnel with no light at the end.

“Hey.”

The feel of fingers on my chin, lifting my head, brings me back to reality. When my eyes collide with Cal’s, I notice they’re full of worry.

“Where did you go?” His voice is soft, his fingers gentle on my skin. The monsters retreat.

“S-Sorry, I zoned out.” Lame excuse, I know. And I also know he’s not buying it.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I confess, voice hoarser than I would’ve liked. I force myself to break the spell between our eyes and I notice he’s already parked in front of my dorms. “Thanks for the ride.”

My hand is on the door handle when his deep voice stops me. “Sunshine.”

I look back at him, and the moment I see his hands twitching in his lap I know he wanted to stop me by grabbing my arm, but he didn’t. “Yes?”

He swallows, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so stoic. “I want you to know that you can tell me anything if you ever feel ready to, all right? I’m your friend, I care about you, and I’m here to support you.”

A lump forms in my throat, and I’m moments away from ugly crying. His honesty, the safety of him hits me right in the middle of the chest and knocks all the air out of me. “I know,” I half-whisper. “I-I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.” His voice softens along with his eyes. “Don’t forget to text me your reading updates, though. Now I’m invested.”

I can’t help but chuckle. And just like that, the heaviness in the air goes away. “I don’t know if I should be amused or scared.”

“Both,” he says. When I laugh again, he winks at me. “Have a good day today, Grace.”

“You, too. I’ll text you later.”

“I fed you nuggets last night, so you’d better.”

With one last laugh, I exit the car and wave him goodbye. When I reach the front door of my dorm and look behind me, his car is still there.