The Beast Within (Book One of the Changes Series)

-Danielle’s POV-

My mind wandered as the helicopter made its way to some fucking place that I wasn’t privy to. I found myself pining for the tedious day-to-day grind that, at the time, I believed would suck the life out of me. What I wouldn’t give to be back in that situation. Countless choices I had made without being thankful that I could. I took so many things for granted. Was that the reason I was being punished? Moved from cage to cage, never freed to see my children again? That thought clutched onto my heart, the talons of it dug in deep.

My eyes stayed fixed on the helicopter’s wall. To think, right outside were blue skies, clouds, and everything else that was no longer meant for me. My babies would be left to face the world without me. I was supposed to keep them safe and watch them grow.

I kept my eyes firmly shut. Worried that I would start to cry and never stop. Besides, I welcomed the darkness as I tried to picture my kids’ faces.

At first, it seemed to work. Cameron’s gappy grin came to my mind’s eye as Lexi’s long beautiful hair swept into my memory. I waited for another image to form to help me forget my reality, but the darkness seemed to have no more to share. Regardless of what I wanted, tears made their way down my cheeks. My hands stayed limp in my lap as I opened my eyes to the same grey wall. I felt numb. I felt weak. But most of all, I felt hurt. So much that I couldn’t have concealed it if I tried.

If my father was here, I know what he would say. He would first warn me against letting anyone see me cry. Then he would tell me, as he had done so many times before.

Your weaknesses and strengths are for you and you alone to carry. If done right, any foe or fair-weather friend will quake under your roar, even if it comes from the mouth of a canary.

His mom, the grandmother I never had the chance to meet, shared that pearl of wisdom with him. He would always tell me that saying those words would bring him courage. I never understood why it made him feel stronger. If anything, it made me feel abandoned. Who could find solace in knowing that in the end, we were all alone?

I depended heavily on those I trusted. Those few individuals from whom I filtered my strength and let harbor my fears, but Nathan had used my weakness and fear to manipulate me, and I had let him. There were times when I felt something just didn’t fit. I had no idea to what degree, but I never even thought to question him.

All in the fear that if I did, he would realize that he had made an enormous mistake choosing me for his wife. Never once did I consider that I might have been the one who was too good for him. I let him use the people I cared for and loved… He used me. Were our kids even safe with their father? That shouldn’t be a question a mother had to ask herself.

A slight tinge of heat slithered through my body, barely registering past my constant thoughts. Now that I only had myself, I was lost on what to do next. If I had my dad here, we would figure this out together. Shit, anyone would know better than me! Porsha would even be better at this than me, but because of me, she was barely clinging to life. I guess that was what I had failed to learn, how to be on my own.

The helicopter made a steep drop that caused a guttural reaction deep within my stomach, but that wasn’t enough to snag me out of my own head.

A host of questions came creeping into my mind. Why did I need someone else to figure my shit out for me? Was I that damaged? Another drop caused my gut to react again. I paused and waited to see if the sensation would return as well, but there was nothing.

I went back to my relentless questioning. What made me unable, unfit? Where did I lose myself? Why can’t I find what was missing? How can I fix what was broken?!

A rush of heat surged through me once again, but this time it didn’t let up. Then I knew what it was. It was my dark friend making its presence known. The sensation radiated from deep in my belly as it made its way through my chest. My locked gaze was somewhat freed as my eyes went from bar to bar. I wondered if the prison would hold if I was to change. That thought made me aware of something I had forgotten. How was I able to change in the first place?

That guard had shot me up with something that should’ve stopped me from being able to transform for hours. My memory returned to my dark friend’s urges and how I held them back going through the building to find Porsha. Maybe willpower had less to do with not changing than I had first thought, but how did I change in the field? A full hour hadn’t gone by before I was able to transform.

The heat kept its assault over my body, but it was different than before. It was hard to explain. God, I hope this wasn’t a side effect of the drug he gave me. The sensation was full of raw emotion, but something more, something was off.

My anger that seemed forever present, lessened, lingering on the fringes. Still, at its core, all I could feel was determination. Maybe it wasn’t the drug at all, and I was evolving. Or perhaps I was simply insane. To be honest, I didn’t care which, emotion or psychosis, just as long I wasn’t left alone with my thoughts. I swallowed back a laugh as the tears kept their slow stream down my face.

How pathetic was I? Now I was ready to latch on to the very catalyst that caused my current dilemma. I guess it wouldn’t be the first time. In fact, every time I had given into the creature’s call, I gave up control. All I knew, at this very moment, was that the strength that was nowhere to be found in my father’s words was now present in my friend. And for reasons I may not even want to know, it was sharing its strength with me.

It was an odd feeling to have its presence so strong, yet the urge to rip, tear, and ruin, to turn wasn’t there. The hurt and confusion I felt were still evident, but the physical heaviness they caused was lessened.

My focus changed, catching Killian watching me from his seat. The concern in his eyes warred with his bland expression. How long had he been staring at me?

I kept my gaze trained on him. My directness must have caught him off guard. If I was being honest, it surprised me as well. He decided to be the first to cast his look elsewhere. I followed suit, staring at the wall again. My hands left my lap, wiping the tears away from my face.

I wasn’t any surer of anything. All I was certain of was that I wasn’t ready to give in. As long as my children were out in the world, I would give my everything to get back to them.

The warmth I felt backed off as a slight tingle took its place. Even though my dark friend retreated into the background, I knew it was still there. It would always be there.

“Ma’am.”

I took in a sharp breath as I realized I was no longer alone. I took a couple of seconds to wipe at my face and clear my throat.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t even think you could be snuck up upon.”

“Just stuck in my thoughts, I guess. What do you need, Killian?” I asked as I stood to face him.

If he was surprised that I knew his voice before seeing him, he didn’t let on. The helicopter reacted to a fresh batch of turbulence as I tried to keep my balance by holding on to the bars. Killian did the same, but he made sure his grasp was a suitable distance away from mine. Was that for my benefit or his own?

“I didn’t know if air travel made you nervous, but the area we’re passing through is known for turbulence. I wanted to give you a head’s up before we get into the worst of it.”

In the past, I was known to get antsy during flights. How weird that the thought hadn’t come to mind. One positive to having too many things to think about, I guess.

“That’s good to know, thanks. How are Porsha and your friend doing?” keeping my gaze directed on the bars.

“There isn’t any change in your friend’s condition, but she has been cleared to be dropped off at a military hospital.”

My gaze shot up to meet his. My heart ached some as it filled with hope.

“I thought that scientist you were talking about would need clear Porsha first.”

“The test needed for clearance was performed by the medic on board. It was a simple blood test. I just didn’t want to get your hopes up if, by any chance, she failed.”

“It was a blood test to confirm she was human.”

“Yes.”

His facial expression changed slightly before becoming unreadable once again. I had an idea of why. There was no need to test me. They all could contest to my full-fledged “wolfiness.” It didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was Porsha had a better chance to make it out of this.

“So how much time until we land at the hospital?” I asked, reestablishing eye contact.

“After we get you to the base, they will lift her there ASAP. We would drop her first but—”

“Yeah, you can’t take the risk. The volatile package needs to be contained first, right?” I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Sorry… and thank you. You have kept your word. Porsha would’ve died if it weren’t for you.”

“Since we’re doling out thanks, I believe you’re in line for one too. If it weren’t for you, there only would’ve been my and McPherson’s dog tags left.”

I tried my best to muster a smile, “Then we’re even.”

It was apparent our conversation was reaching its close as he took a couple of steps backward.

“Once Porsha is settled, I’ll see if I can keep tabs on her for you, if possible.”

I took a step back myself, “As I said, we’re even. But if it’s a possibility, then thanks again.”

“Sure. We have another 45 minutes to an hour in the air.”

I turned first, not wanting to be reminded that I couldn’t move beyond the cage. I turned back, remembering something. “Hey, Killian.”

I was stunned to see that he was still facing me, his brown-eyed gaze still fixed on me. It was evident that he hadn’t expected me to turn back and catch him. His face went back to being indecipherable in record time. I wasn’t as calm under pressure. I probably showed all my feelings at all times.

“Yes ma’am?”

I felt my brows knit together in annoyance, “Call me Danielle.”

There wasn’t a real reason why I had gotten that irritated. If anything, I was trying to hide my embarrassment from catching him earlier. He seemed to have caught on too from the look of the slight smile on his face. I tried to avoid eye contact.

“Anyway, you never told me how your friend was doing other than the fact he was still alive.”

“McPherson’s resting, but everything seems to be fine as far as we can tell.”

“Good,” I said as I slightly nodded my head in approval.

I turned on my heels once again, ending the conversation for sure this time. I fought the urge to look back as I went back to my spot on the ground. My dark friend didn’t disappoint as I quickly went back into concentrating on its presence.

The same questions I had earlier circled in my mind. With each circle, I was able to feel the tingle turn into more tangible warmth. I wasn’t sure what that meant, if it meant anything at all.

Maybe I needed to change my frame of mind. What if I concentrated on what I did know? It shouldn’t take much time anyway for how little that was. Other than the good news about Porsha, all I knew was my situation was screwed.

There was a nagging feeling that I was missing the reason behind it all. I concentrated even harder. The hum of the sensation was all I could hear.

The radio broke my focus and let the rest of the surrounding noise in with it.

“We’ll be landing in the next five minutes.”

That couldn’t be possible; I talked with Killian only a few minutes ago. The thought didn’t have time to stew as I started to feel nervous knots forming in my gut. In a few minutes, my new future would be revealed. Even though I’d decided I would fight my way back to my children with my very last breath, I knew I couldn’t resist a whole military unit. Maybe I had made the wrong choice, but what other option did I have?

“I could give you something. It may help you keep calm.”

I looked toward the voice, not aware of whom it belonged to. I was also not aware until this moment that I had stood up, pacing the small caged area.

“I’m fine.”

“Ma’am, I don’t doubt that. I just thought you might be a little on edge. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure it would have any effect on you.”

“Or it might cause side-effects that I would rather pass on, but thanks for the thought.”

I watched as, who I guessed to be the medic, left. I realized I hadn’t even asked his name. I didn’t have time to fret over it before my thoughts went back to the possible ways this all could play out.

“I heard you didn’t want to take the sedative.”

My head went toward the familiar voice.

“Yeah, I need to be present, if you know what I mean. I’m sure I won’t go all wolf on you all. Well, at least that’s the plan.”

“I believe you can handle this, Danielle,” Killian reassured.

I looked at him questioningly. Why was he so willing to put trust in a person he had only just met? Yes, I did save his life, but I saved Porsha’s and possibly my own in doing so. Was I willing to put the same trust into him? Apparently, it hasn’t worked in my favor over the years. Again, he had proved himself trustworthy… so far.

His voice brought me back from my thoughts, “Look, I saw what you were able to do in the field. You were in full control.”

I nodded my head in agreement, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. I hoped I was able to hide the shame I was feeling. He had no idea of what happened in that field. He only saw the outward process. But if he was able to take a snippet of the war in my head, he would’ve shot me right then and there.

When I had let the beast take over, I was almost overwhelmed by its bloodlust. It had no thoughts other than destroying everything that was around it. Porsha was the only person safe from it, which wasn’t always the case.

Killian may have only survived because my dark friend saw the other creature as a more significant threat. By the time my friend had finished with the werewolf, it seemed to be sated enough for me to take back control. I wasn’t sure what would have happened if things hadn’t followed the order they had.

“Danielle… Ma’am, are you okay?”

Again Killian’s voice brought me back to the present. “I told you not to call me that. I’m fine.”

I felt the helicopter descend, and I knew we were only moments away from really finding out if I had everything under control. The hum of my friend’s presence comforted me further. The warmth of its newfound aura continued to give me confidence. I let out a deep breath and refilled my lungs with the cabin’s air as if it would be for the last time. I met Killian’s gaze briefly before I nodded and went to take my seat. He seemed to understand and left me to my waiting.

There was a slight jolt, and I knew we had landed. I waited for something to happen. I listened for the speaker to crackle to life or the doors to open, but nothing. That was what I thought until I noticed that we were actually still moving. I kept my eyes closed as I concentrated on the new movement. I was still sure we had landed, but we were traveling downward. That couldn’t be possible.

The calm I was trying to hold onto became somewhat slippery in my grasp. It would seem my friend disapproved as I felt the warmth spike into a fierier existence. I had to find a way to quiet myself, or this wouldn’t end well for us. I wasn’t sure how to do that, though.

I could feel my dark friend’s familiar squirmy nature resurfacing. My answer to that in the past was to let it take the lead while I tried to pull the strings in the background, but I knew that was not the answer this time. I had to hurry and find a solution fast. I could feel the creature expanding.

“Arughhh,” I grabbed onto my ears as I kept my eyes tightly shut.

The cabin’s noise seemed to have amplified, making the already loud surroundings unbearable. It reminded me of when I was in the incinerator room, looking for Porsha. I wasn’t searching for anything this time, was I? Think Danni, what does it want? I could make out different sounds; I knew some came from the helicopter itself and others came from the people within it.

“Stop. Please stop,” I asked quietly to my friend.

The blaring noise continued.

I could feel myself going into a panic. It wasn’t listening to me. Why would it? I was still sure I knew what it wanted, what it felt its job was. I believed it wanted to keep me safe, and we didn’t feel that way. So it would do what it knew to do, even if that would destroy us both.

That was it, wasn’t it? I, too, was doing what I knew, panicking. My dark friend had shown me earlier that it could evolve; maybe I could do the same. I had everything to lose if I didn’t try.

I focused my concentration on the mind-numbing noise as I did earlier in the facility. What was it looking for? The sounds of voices penetrated my space. I knew that wasn’t what it needed. I dove deeper until the beats of their hearts became audible amongst everything else. My friend reacted excitedly to the stimuli. I knew better. That wasn’t what we needed either.

My ears felt like they were about to bleed, but I fought past the pain. The answer had to be here. I kept on searching.

I felt another light jolt as we stopped once again. This time we started moving to the left. With nothing helpful left to concentrate on, I turned my attention back on the movement.

My eyes shot open as I jumped up to take in the new information. The noise was still present, but nothing else was moving. I looked over in Killian’s direction. He was too busy with a conversation to notice.