Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

Pendina came up to our table flanked by Wiandra, Maclan and two boys I didn’t know.

“I just had to see this for myself,” said Pendina, waving her hands around with her fingers spread out, she had a large ring on each. “You realize if you have sex with him, you will have negative infinity points!”

“I pleaseth Yoho, not you,” said Dwendra.

“You realize I’m suing you for doing that,” I said.

Pendina rolled her eyes, “Like anybody cares! I’m just doing the other girls a service by rating the boys.”

“You know we’re not allowed to talk about it,” I said.

“Well,” said Pendina to Dwendra, “you look funny and talk funny so I guess I’ve now seen what’s at the bottom of the fuel tank.” With that she walked off with her nose in the air.

“Art I not better than her?” asked Dwendra.

“Yes,” I said, “very definitely.”

Several other people went up to say what great guys the deceased rapists had been and how much they missed them. Our food and drink arrived and we started eating.

“Why art thou a Trulist?” asked Dwendra.

“My parents are Trulists and it’s illegal to change your religion,” I said knowing this wasn’t a good enough answer.

“Perhaps a better question wouldst be, ‘Art thou a Trulist?’”

“You know I am.”

“Thou worships Yoho, the God of Yohoists and Winemakers. Thou wishes to marry a psychic, contrary to Trulist law. Thou foloweth some of the teachings of your father who art a heretic. I believeth thou wouldst like to be Haprihagfen but for that thou wouldst have to converteth unto Winemakerism. Thou hast defended the Haprihagfen claim Yoho’s avatar wast born on an Earth sephir in another universe. What doth that makest thou?”

“I’m officially a Trulist but that’s not what you want to know. What makes you a Trulist? Or not? Whatever you say about my father, it’s very hard to be a Trulist heretic.”

“What art a Trulist, what sayest thou?”

I stared at her and ate a yam slice. This was a difficult question as there were so many different Trulists. “Belief in many gods,” I said.

“Your father dost believeth them to be symbolic, dost thou?”

“He still believes in them even if he believes them to be symbolic.”

“Of what?”

“What?”

“Of what art the gods symbolic?”

“I don’t know. Ask my father!”

“I want to know what thou believeth.”

“Well I guess Yoho symbolizes you can have a good time and still retain high sexual morals. Tianamet, how you will be ignorant if you don’t explore. Astrigis, how you need to grow food and manage the planet in order to supply food. Streculic, how you need knowledge to avoid deception. Briad I guess just symbolizes plain nastiness.”

“Streculic gave knowledge to man in order to deceive.”

“Really.”

“What sayest thou of Ahmaza?”

“Asteroids and peace, that’s a difficult one. I think he was just grafted in to try to convert Nuharas to Trulism and the asteroids and peace thing was a weak attempt to make the Trulist version sound vaguely like the Nuhara version. I think that shows how the gods are really just man’s attempt to personify their beliefs.”

“I only believeth in Yoho, what sayeth thou of him? The true Yohoist god, not the Trulist god. He wert worshiped by my ancestors long before they left Earth. Many prophets haft spoken for him, often making prophecies that cameth true long after they lived, and working great miracles?”

“Miracles?”

“Didst thou not accidentally teleporteth a millennium into the past and rescueth me from Zorg? What art the chances of such a thing?”

“I’m a Trulist.”

“I art a Yohoist. I wast praying Zorg wouldst not violateth me so I couldst marryeth a priest.”

“You still haven’t got a priest.”

“Maybe thou art a priest. We must confirmeth that but Benai Nibeyim refuseth to talketh unto us.”

Kiard staggered up to us, pointing with his left hand, his right arm still being paralyzed, “Murderers!”

“I was in court with you all day.”

“I sent them to rape the glildac but you murdered them!”

A waitress put her hand on his shoulder, “You’ve had far too much to drink.”

“They’re ...” Kiard collapsed and several staff members carried him away.

To make really sure people remembered us, I told a poem, which had nothing to do with the rapists but I had too much honesty to sing their praises. Dwendra sung a Yohoist funeral song aCapella in Semic. They were sure to remember that!

Just as we were leaving, somebody said, “How’s the bus pass?”

I turned to see Gerdni, “Er, I guess it’s OK, I haven’t used it lately.”

“Who’s your friend?”

“This is Dwendra. Dwendra, this Gerdni.”

Dwendra gave Gerdni a dubious look. He was dressed like a Trulist but he was a quippa and Gerdni was a Nuhara name.

“Pleased to meet you,” said Gerdni, who seemed oddly excited although I thought he was friendly with the rape gang. Perhaps he knew something about their disgusting activities.

“Dwendra’s had some bad experiences with Nuharas,” I said. “She’s from northern Pax.”

“Make sure he finds that bus pass!”

Kreldi is the Trulist god of trickery and wisdom. While Streculic, the god of knowledge and lies, is basically evil and deceives (or tries to) in order to cause people problems, particularly a bad afterlife, Kreldi is basically good (but an enemy of Yoho) and tricks people in order to teach them wisdom.

As we left, I checked my pockets and couldn’t find my bus pass. I didn’t think this was important, it expired at the end of the harvest holiday and I didn’t think a teleporter had much use for buses anyway (as Laraget was fairly flat, I couldn’t use a bus to change altitude).

We got home shortly after Aleph rise to find police signs round the house and a police woman standing guard outside.

“We live here,” I said. “What happened?”

“Sorry there was another strange incident here tonight. We’re still investigating as we’ve been rather busy today. What are your names?”

“Clindar and Dwendra.”

“Oh, yes. I was told you were unaccounted for and might show up,” she made a note on a handheld computer. “You look awful.”

“Five boys from my school were killed today. We were at their memorial service at the Arts Cafe.”

“Of course. Can you tell me what happened here?”

“I thought you weren’t allowed to question me without a parent present.”

“Oh, yes, sorry. Your family are OK, they’re at the Strangler Figs Hotel.”