Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

Everybody turned to look at us with gasps, screams and expressions of pure horror. Half of them jumped to their feet with chairs falling over behind them. They were all dressed in red, hooded robes.

“Vineyard magis,” gasped the swordsman. “She’s a magis and can combine magic with psychic powers.”

“This is a private meeting!” said the man who’d been speaking. He was standing at the table opposite. I recognized him as the local dance instructor.

“Sorry I wasn’t able to determine the proper procedure,” said Breeze. “I wish to report a violation of the treaty by Miandri and Yoldasia regarding Dwendra here. Who do I speak to about that?”

Miandri sat down at a table and I put a date rape spell on her before she started talking about teleportation and Dwendra being in two places at once. I’d used my magic detector to check her associates and bindings beforehand, with Breeze’s help, so I knew how to do this although she was a mage.

“She’s Benai Nibeyim so that’s an internal matter and doesn’t concern you,” said the dance instructor, who was clearly terrified.

“Then I wish to complaineth about Miandri and Yoldasia trying to hath me raped!” said Dwendra.

“You’re not the real Sixteen,” said a woman who I recognized as my father’s secretary.

“Which is it?” I asked.

“You shouldn’t even be here!” said the dance instructor.

“Art he a priest?” asked Dwendra.

“That’s none of your business!” shouted the dance instructor.

“It art if he art the anav ...” Dwendra started to say.

“This is not the time to discuss these things!” shouted the dance instructor.

“Then tell us who to take these issues to?” asked Breeze.

“We can’t reveal the identities of our siblings,” said the dance instructor.

“If Clindar art a priest, he art entitled to a place ...” Dwendra said.

“You’re not allowed to help him!” shouted the dance instructor.

“I’m helping Dwendra!” said Breeze.

“That law doth not applieth unto me!” said Dwendra.

“Can we calm down and discuss this sensibly?” asked a woman who I recognized as master Kiard’s wife. She was also terrified.

“This isn’t the place to discuss this!” said the dance instructor.

“Then where and when is?” I asked. “I’m told either you should give me some authority in your organization or you have no reason to fornicate my life to feces!”

Dwendra had been kind enough to tell me that, although she hadn’t used exactly those words.

“We could take this to your superiors,” said Breeze.

“That art the Grand Vine Grower?” asked Dwendra. “Who art?”

“You’re betraying this organization!” said the dance instructor.

“I made no agreement for to stupporteth those who hath girls raped!”

Some of those present were clearly becoming very uncomfortable about the rape references but they seemed mostly fixated on Breeze.

“Who is she?” asked a fat man, the only hipsick present. He seemed to be the least scared person in the room.

“New Vineyard Magis,” whispered a woman. “She’s rumored to have killed a bunch of people.”

“Just a minute!” I said, recognizing the hipsick. “You’re Clathmior, you arranged that legal mess to stop Dad from getting me a girl didn’t you?”

“There’s no basis for these stupid accusations!” said Clathmior, lying.

“What exactly are the issues?” asked Kiard’s wife.

“Whether thou accepts me as Benai Nibeyim,” said Dwendra. “If so, if thou hath got an anav priest. Yoldasia and Miandri trying to have me raped. Controlling a rape gang which raped multiple psychic girls.”

“That’s cooperation in or instigation of discrimination against psychics,” said Breeze, “also a treaty violation.”

“Fornicating my life to feces!” I said. “For example not allowing me to have sex, you’re husband,” I pointed to Kiard’s wife, “letting all the other children in the school have sex with each other and the mix of feces and seamen established the rape gang! Having girls I stood a chance with raped and making it look as if I was the rapist but instructing the police not to investigate me so they couldn’t clear my name! Probably some other things I’m not so sure about.”

“Not allowing him for to hath psychic friends!” said Dwendra. “Trying to hath me raped!”

“These are very serious accusations,” said Kiard’s wife, making notes on a bit of paper in very shaky handwriting. “We’ll discuss them and contact you through the appropriate channels.”

“Like you usually do?” asked Breeze.

“Exactly.”

“You normally just ignore our complaints,” said Breeze. “When Yoldasia and Miandri helped that pedophile to attack me and my best friend, you just said it was an unusual situation but it looks as if they make a habit of getting anavot raped!”

“How many anavot are there?” asked Clathmior.

“We need to maintain peace because the Prophesied Ruination’s starting,” said the dance instructor.

“Oh that means you can just keep ignoring the treaty and insisting Haprihagfen keep it!” said Breeze, sarcastically.

“Am I supposed to wait for you to stop masturbating about it before I can have sex?” I asked.

The dance instructor looked horrified.

Breeze flicked her wrist and the swordsman collapsed. Then she stepped forward and reached toward the dance instructor, waving her hands. “Now answer ...”

“No!” he gasped. “It’s sacrifice time people!”

Everybody got out small objects. I pulled out my magic detector and saw most the objects were artifacts.

“I had a life and future you urine drinkers!” said Dad’s secretary.

The dance instructor broke the small object he was holding and everybody else stabbed themselves or said magic words. The swordsman managed to stab himself with his sword. The room was filled with ghastly death vibes, much worse than when Zorg or the rape gang had died.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” said Breeze. “I was only trying to find out who their superior was, I didn’t think that was a secret worth dying for!”

“Any chance we can revive some of them?” I asked.

I looked at Dad’s secretary. Of course it’s hard to tell how old people are between the ages of about twenty five and a hundred and fifty but she didn’t look as if she’d reached twenty five. I felt very sad for her as she clearly hadn’t wanted to die and I didn’t want her to.

“Most used very destructive artifacts,” said Breeze. “They didn’t all use artifacts and I’m an experienced healer but I can’t see anybody here who’s in good enough condition to revive.”

Dwendra got Kiard’s wife’s notepad and pen and wrote on it. Firstly she wrote, THEY KILLED THEMSELVES in Faharni. Then she made some squiggles I couldn’t read.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Cursive Semic,” she said. “It says, ‘I know you think you have an anav priest, please let me know his identity, location and genealogy so I can save Yohoism, Sixteen’.”

“Miandri’s just unconscious,” said Breeze, “but the others are decidedly dead and beyond resurrection, whoever gave them those suicide devices knew what they were doing.”

“I thought Yoho’s avatar was killed in no uncertain terms and ...” I said.

“Yes,” said Breeze. “That was a miracle, no other anav has been known to do anything close. I suggest you two get alibis, I was seen in Minris a couple of hours ago and I suppose I should get back.”

With that she dematerialized.

“Masturbating about [something]” is a figure of speech to the effect that somebody is getting excessive or inappropriate pleasure from something useless, particularly taking an excessively long time to resolve somebody else’s problems (e.g. a lawyer or bureaucrat who takes too long dealing with somebody’s case).