Sentilia

I was in K’s car again. This time the confusion was replaced with irritation. I rolled my eyes. I was tired of slipping through parts of my days without knowing what happened. Most importantly, I couldn’t take dreaming anymore. At this point, I just wanted to wake up. Everything was getting blurry, and I felt I needed to touch something real, be in real life for a while.

I rolled over and squeezed my plush pillow in my arms like I do every morning. Was I in K’s guest bedroom again? I didn’t want to open my eyes and check. But with my eyes closed I realized my other senses were super sharp. No more blur, no more confusion, could it be? I opened my eyes and recognized my own room. I smiled and touched my covers and my bedside table and breathed in “real air”. I giggled and cuddled up under all my covers, laying my head on my pillow again, smiling.

I started to focus on K’s voice. I let out a sigh and cursed myself for closing my eyes again. “You know, if you don’t like his place you can go and stay with Beth, or even come and stay with me. I wouldn’t mind at all, you’re welcomed at my house anytime. I mean it.” I knew he was talking about Oliver, and he was trying too hard not to sound pushy.

“No, it’s fine K, really, I’m fine at Doctor Elis’s house.”

“Oh, so you call him Doctor now. That certainly wasn’t the case yesterday.” His tone was as irritated as mine. This jealousy thing they had going on was getting old.

“What is it about you two K? ’Cause I’m starting to get a little annoyed of being in between you two all the time.” He was getting familiar with me, so I was going to do the same.

There was a brief moment of silence before he started talking. His voice was calm and soft again.

“It’s just that... Elis and I have been best friends since we were born, or ever since I can remember anyway. Remember I told you he started working all the time, and his parents died and all? Well we also got into a really bad fight a few years ago, and it ruined everything. You see, I liked his sister, Cassie. Even worst—for him—she liked me too. So when we started seeing each other, he freaked out. Anyways, long story short, he’s still holding a grudge against me because of that.” He took a long pause.

“I’m sorry if it’s making you uncomfortable,” he added.

“But, why did he freak out?” I asked.

“When their parents died, he felt like he had to take charge, to take their place, but it was ridiculous; he was still too young, and it wasn’t his job. He started giving his sister all these crazy rules; just to be sure she was always safe. It was starting to drive her mad, when I decided I’d try and talk to him. We all got into a big fight. She moved out, went to live at the far end of the city, and they haven’t been talking ever since. You know, the reason we’re like this—Elis and I—is because of you. He’s doing it again, trying to keep me from the girl I like.” He seemed almost insecure for the first time; he smiled and looked away.

When had they stopped to ask themselves about what I wanted? I mean, I guess I knew Kleio a bit more, and I really got along with him; I like being in his presence. But if I didn’t know much about love and emotions, I knew that the strong, foreign feelings I had felt for Elis, the physical attraction, couldn’t lie.

I cleared my throat before asking him the most important question.

“But why would Elis try to ‘take me away’ from you?” Was he just trying to thwart his friend? Or was he really interested in me? My heartbeat accelerated as he opened his mouth to answer.

“Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? He clearly had the same curiosity and appeal as I have for you —” I exhaled fully, in relief.

“But I don’t think it’s serious.” I felt a pinch on my heart. “You know, he’s never really had a serious girlfriend before. I don’t think he ever will. I think he’s using you as an excuse to get back at me for losing his sister. He has all this anger and it’s like he doesn’t allow himself to be happy. I know it sounds melodramatic and all, but he’s always been different. Girls used to run away from him in high school; not that he wasn’t good looking, he was just always too serious. The guy practically never has any fun.”

Failing to find a response to what he had just said, and wanting to change the subject dearly, I asked: “What’s high school?” I faked a smile and shrugged.

He took a few seconds to explain how their schooling system works, and before he had time to finish, we were parked in front of a small strange building with a lit sign over the front door that said “Jacob’s”.

“We’re here.” K said, with a phony smile.

“Where, here?” I frowned.

“Well, it’s almost 6 o’clock, Max, have you already forgotten that we were supposed to meet him here?” He had a strange, sly smile on his face this time.

Without another word, he walked out of the car and walked towards my side; I let him open the door for me.

We walked into the building to find numerous tables in a rather large room, and a handful of people dressed in black head to toe, serving food. One of them said: “Hey Kleio, table for two?”

“No, thanks Jake, we’re meeting Dr. Skythe.” My cheeks flooded.

There was a faint sound of music playing in the background. I could hear the strange tone the singers added to the song. I was starting to like the sound of voices over music.

I glanced around, and found that the place was practically empty; except for Elis, who caught my eye. He was standing up, waving to me, beside a table set for two, with a candle in the middle. After muttering something under his breath, K looked down at me, said goodbye, and took my hand to kiss it; but not how Elis had. He bowed his head and kissed the back of my hand, as what looked like a polite gesture. He showed off a wide grin, which faded when he saw that my face was blank, then he paused to scowl at Elis, and left.

I turned around to see that Elis had a mocking smile. I was perplexed and it must have been clear in my expression. It was surely another thing that had to do with being a gentleman. But for now, I couldn’t care about anything else; Elis was right there, waiting for me. With the sudden turn of events, I was glad for not waking up.

I went to join him. As I sat down, one of the women dressed in black tabled two plates of food in front of us. He told me he had taken the liberty of ordering for me. I understood now that this place was a restaurant. I had read about it previously, and I knew that it was illegal in my society. To be honest, I didn’t really see the appeal of dining with a bunch of strangers in the same room.

In this society, people had to pay money to come to places like these, and although we didn’t work exactly like that, I understood the principle of working in exchange for food or goods, or in this case money. I knew Elis would have to pay for this dinner, and thought that he shouldn’t have to.

“You know Elis, we don’t have to eat here.” I instantly felt weird saying that, taken that our meals were already in front of us, but I just couldn’t help it.

“Why not?” A tight frown creased the middle of his forehead.

“Well, you’ll have to pay for my food, and you shouldn’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about that,” was all he had to say before saying: “After you.”

“Elis?” He looked up.

“Yes?” He looked intrigued.

“Could you... clear up the whole gentleman thing, like, really explain it to me?”

He let out a roar of laughter before answering: “Okay, Max...it’s called chivalry. When men ruled the earth, woman wanted us to be gentlemen. They thought it was romantic, and men did it to seduce them. Doing simple things like holding doors or letting you go first showed that we cared, that we were paying attention. It’s no longer practiced in your community, but we still do it here. I think it just brings us closer to our past, you know. Anyways, when guys do things like kissing your hand,” he winked, but there was a slight edge to his voice, “tell yourself it’s probably because he’s really polite, or he’s trying to please you.”

“Well, yes I know K is trying to please me. I guess you’re just being polite though.” I smiled politely.

“How come you know K is trying to please you? Did he say anything? Did he do anything that...” I cut him off: “He just said that he likes me,” I lied. I wouldn’t tell him he almost kissed me, that he kept kissing my forehead, my hair, I won’t tell him about anything that happened while we were sailing. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, and I didn’t want to fuel the fire between them.

“Oh, ok. You know he probably meant as a friend... Anyways...coming back to being a gentleman: I can try to stop if you don’t like it, but it comes like a reflex to me. So, yes, I do it to be polite, but it doesn’t mean I’m not trying hard to please you.” He looked at me with smiling eyes.

“No...I mean, it’s fine. You can do whatever you wish to do.”

"Whatever I wish to do?” he teasingly asked with a gleam in his eyes.

I started eating, trying to pretend I didn’t hear him.

“So...what did you do these past two days?” he asked. Had it been two days since I last saw him? Already? I didn’t have the same notion of time here.

I answered him without being able to hide my burst of enthusiasm: “I went on K’s boat. It was amazing, the whole thing, it was beautiful and exciting and fun! I had never been on water before, and I thought I would get sick, but I didn’t. And then there was a storm and I had to pump the water out to keep the boat afloat, which I did, and K told me I had saved us from sinking.”

Elis’s face looked sullen, so I interrupted my story to ask if he was ok. He gave me a tight-lipped smile and encouraged me to continue. I’d decided I’d slow down on the K talk: “Well, we went to Beth’s place this morning...I mean, yesterday morning, and it was really nice to see her again. I met Hayden—she’s really nice—and...um...” I stopped short and deliberated if it was ok to tell him about his sister. Granted she had asked me to, but I didn’t know how he would react, and I didn’t want to put a damper on the evening.

“And what?” he asked, slightly leaning his body over the table.

“I...I also met your sister.” He clenched his jaw.

“Well, I know you saw her bedroom at my office the other day. That used to be our home,” my face froze, “You closed the door shut, but I never do.” I opened my mouth to defend myself, but he continued: “It’s ok, don’t worry. I’m just wondering what K told you about her. About what happened. Because he did tell you about her didn’t he? Of course he did. You know you shouldn’t hang out with him. And don’t listen to what he tells you, half of it isn’t true—”

“First of all, K means well, he really cares about you,” I couldn’t believe I was defending him, “and, I think I’m in my rights to hang out with who I want Elis,” his face changed—I couldn’t believed I’d just spoken to him like that, “third, he just told me you two weren’t speaking because you got into a fight over your sister, he told me about your work overtaking everything else and the way you took on too much responsibility when your parents passed away.” My tone became softer, “I’m really sorry about that, by the way.” I couldn’t begin to understand the pain you must feel to lose your parents, but I had heard a glimpse of how hard it had been for him.

He seemed to have calmed down: “Thanks...and I’m sorry too, you’re right, I don’t have the right to tell you who to hang out with.

You know, the hardest part was when I had already lost everything, and then Cassie left. I was left alone to grieve for them, and for her in some other way. Taking charge of things has always been my way of dealing with stress or loss. Cass tried to come back and talk to me, but we just got into bigger fights. When I realized I was being stupid, she was gone for good.” His tone was full of regret, and something about his posture made him look very protective.

“Do you think you’d be able to tell her all this?” I asked.

“I think so, but I don’t think she’d listen. When she sees me on the street or at the market, she practically runs away. She even makes sure I’m off at the hospital on the days she comes in because she refuses any treatment from me.”

“You’ll be able to talk to her soon,” I promised, smiling. I knew that they both missed each other; I figured I could somehow arrange a meeting between them. “She asked me how you were, earlier.”

He looked up at me and smiled half-heartedly. He seemed to have regained a bit of light in his eyes.

He got up then. We had finished eating. I thought we were leaving but then he took my hand and said: “Would you care to dance, Maxine?”

The only time I had tried to dance was alone in my apartment. I thought for a second that I should logically be better at everything since this was a dream, a creation of my imagination; but seeing how things were going for me, I was probably wrong.

I got up because he was pulling my hand, and I couldn’t resist his strength. He dragged me to the dancing area, where I tried my best. He looked down at me and chuckled at my clumsiness. I got embarrassed and started to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, until our bodies collided and I could feel his breath on my face: “Stay right here.”

I did as told. I couldn’t have moved even if I’d wanted to.

He walked up to a colorful machine, slipped a few coins in it, and began shifting through the screens. He pressed a big green ‘play’ button, and a song started playing, much louder than the previous one. A beautiful piano melody, with a singer of course, was resonating in the room.

Elis took my hand, placed it against his chest, and secured his other hand around my waist. I held my breath as we revolved slowly on the dance floor to the beat of the song. “Relax, you’re so tensed,” he whispered, his mouth just inches from mine.

I hadn’t noticed I was so rigid—not only was I very uncomfortable dancing in public, but his proximity made me nervous every time—so I did my best to loosen up, laying my head on his shoulder, and he placed his cheek on the top of my forehead.

“What’s this song about?” My voice cracked slightly.

“I chose this song because it reminds me that not everything in life can be controlled, that if you don’t make the most out of each day, you might regret it later. You only live one lifetime, and I think it’s better to have remorse after doing something, than regret not actually doing it.”

I was silent after that, his words were beautiful, and they resonated in my head as I took in every second of this perfect moment. I breathed in his scent, felt the heat of his hand on mine, and listened to his slow breathing. When I moved my hand from his shoulder to the nape of his neck, he exhaled and pulled me closer, tightening his grip around my waist.

When the song ended, he pulled away slightly, and looked into my eyes. I got agitated all at once, thinking about him kissing me. I’d never been kissed before, and I was nervous that it would be obvious if he did. I let go of him and turned towards the table, already regretting it. Remorse versus regret: I had chosen the wrong one.

He followed a second later, settling slowly into his chair, and then he looked deeply into my eyes for what seemed to be an eternity.

He seemed to snap out of his seriousness when the man I recognized as Jake came to fill up our glasses of water. A smile played ruefully on Elis’s lips when he asked me how I had liked my first dance.

“It was...romantic?” It was more of a question I’d never experienced it before.

“Yes it was,” he reached out to take my hand, and I pulled it away by reflex. I realized a second later what he was doing: “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“You’re a great dancer, by the way.” He was serious again, but I saw his lips twitch as he turned and called “Milei” who was the nearest employee, and paid for our dinner.

We left, got to the car —Elis opened the door for me and I thanked him— and we started driving forward.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

He turned to face me, and smiled.

“You’ll see.”

*****

We came to a halt on the border between the forest and the first beautiful beach I had been to when I got on the island. He stared at the sun for a moment, and said as to himself: “It won’t set for another hour; we have time.”

“Time for what, Elis?” I asked. Saying his name reminded me that I was really alone with him again, finally.

He smiled and got out of the car. This time, I opened the door myself, but he didn’t comment; he just took my hand and started leading me into the dark forest.

“No!” I protested, “I want to stay on the beach, why are we going into that scorching forest?” I wasn’t afraid of going into the woods alone with Elis—I trusted him—I just wasn’t elated he would see me struggle in the thick, damp, scorching forest.

“Stop whining, Max,” he pulled on my hand more fiercely, “We’ll be back on the beach in time for sunset. I just want to show you something before.” I pouted mockingly.

“Fine!”

We walked for about 10 minutes on a beaten pathway between the trees. I could hear a humming sound in the distance: it was getting louder and louder. Elis had stopped pulling me, but his warm hand still held onto mine very gently.

We finally made our way out of the forest, into a vast clearing. It was so beautiful. It was exactly like the painting in the nurse’s office, but this was almost real. I stood there on a platform overhanging a huge waterfall that disappeared into the clouds. I could smell the scent of the red flowers surrounding me, I could feel the rough texture of the tree I was leaning on, the gentle mist of the waterfall on my face, and I could see the magnificent force of nature right in front of my eyes. It took my breath away. I stumbled on the words I wanted to say, nothing comprehensible came out.

The humidity was pushing down on me, and I was tired from the walk, so I didn’t fight it when my legs gave in from under me, and I just sat on the ground. Elis grabbed a massive leaf on a nearby tree, which had room to fit both of us, so he threw it on the ground and we squeezed onto it.

“Are you afraid of getting your clothes dirty?” I asked, mockingly.

He grimaced and put his arm around me.

We stayed like that, listening to the falling water and the birds’ chime, for probably an hour. I could sometimes see him staring at me from the corner of my eye, but when I turned to look at him, he turned away. Once, he held his gaze and said: “You’re so beautiful.” Just like that, he reached down and kissed my cheek. I thought it was a heavy comparison with the beauty of the waterfall we had been staring at. He had said it with what I could only make out as fascination, and I wondered in turn if he knew how he fascinated me.

I was going to open my mouth to speak, but he spoke first: “Did you know that this is where we get our water? We can drink directly from the river: the water is pristine clear. We use hydroelectricity to produce our energy for the city. The dam is right over there, do you see it?” He was pointing north, and I could see the blockage he was talking about.

I continued the small talk, afraid it was too late for any sort of revelation: “Do you store your energy in batteries, like we do?”

“Yeah, we have exactly the same ones.” It made me consider something I hadn’t even thought about: why would the Advisors give the people of the island the technology we have on the mainland if they wanted to pressure them into integrating our society; it seemed counterintuitive.

“Well, enough chit-chatting; time to go,” he said, suddenly getting up. When he saw my disappointment, he added: “Don’t worry, it’ll be just as beautiful where we’re going. For you,” he took my hand and looked me in the eyes, ”and for me.” He helped me up.

He kept his arm around me all the way back. “Do you come here often?” I asked.

“Well, yeah. Sometimes it’s nice to be alone, and here, I know I really am alone.; It must be torture to live without all of this. Actually, I know it’s torture...”

“It is,” I agreed. That was an understatement. “Wait...you know how it is? Have you lived on the mainland before?”

“Um...coming back to you though, you never told me how you got here?” He didn’t even try to change the subject smoothly.

I scrutinized his face, but I just couldn’t read it, “I already told you, I don’t know how I got here, I don’t even know where ‘here’ is. None of you will tell me.” I turned my face not to scowl at him.

“Okay, well, I believe you then,” he pointed to the left, “we’re here.”

We got to the beach as the sun was just minutes away from disappearing for the night.

The clouds looked like dust webs whirling in the sky. Giant cotton balls bordered the setting fireball that pierced through them like a lighted diamond, throwing rays of luminance across the sea. The sky was a rainbow of pale colours, starting from a light blue to a minty green, turning yellow and then peach. The crease created by the sky and sea was a bright shade of pink. As the sun began to hide under the ocean’s blanket, a perfect mirror to this incredible view, I stared wide-eyes, feeling like I was seeing the sun set for the first time, even if I had seen it a few thousand times before.

I turned towards Elis, who was further away behind me, and was shocked when he wasn’t looking at the beautiful scene.

He was taking his clothes off.

I gaped, not even trying to hide my surprised expression. He saw me and started laughing. The last of the light gave his skin a particular glow, and accentuated his impressive shape. As he finished taking his shoes off and straitened himself back up, wearing only a pair of shorts, a heat flash spread through my body. Thankfully he wasn’t looking at me anymore, so he couldn’t see me gawking at him.

He headed off towards the water. He was going to go swimming.

“What are you doing?” I asked, a little concerned.

He started laughing, ran back up the beach to me, grabbed my waist and swirled me around. He put me down, his face inches from mine; he paused for a second before saying: “C’mon, let’s see how good you are at swimming.” He flashed a giant grin, and continued: “Don’t worry, if you ‘can’t’ swim like you ‘can’t’ dance, you’ll manage just fine!”

I laughed, wholeheartedly, and didn’t think twice before running towards the water, taking my clothes off, revealing the pretty coral swimsuit I still had on. “What’s the worse that could happen?” I thought. I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my mind that was remembering the first dream at the beach, reminding me that I could still feel real pain as if I was awake. I shut it out and kept running.

“Wait up!” He followed me, his voice getting louder: “Max, seriously, wait! It’s dangerous! I was just kidding...MAXINE!”

I ran in, ignoring his cries, wanting to scare him a little, like K had tried to do to me. I guessed it was something they did to each other for fun. I was giggling under my breath as I got deeper and deeper into the water. At some point I decided I was deep enough, but my body kept on going, my feet glided on the sand without being able to stop myself, and I was being pulled farther each second. I couldn’t win against the waves, and soon my feet couldn’t touch the ground. All my crazy paddling didn’t help me; I started going under. I knew I couldn’t really die in a dream, but it felt so real at that moment, like I couldn’t rationalize and tell myself it wasn’t real; that bubble wrap effect I usually had where everything was kind of blurry and I felt safe exploded the moment I knew I was about to drown. I should have trusted my instincts.

I couldn’t see anything. I was truly panicked. I seemed to be submerged for an eternity. I stopped paddling at some point, noticing it didn’t make any difference against the waves pushing and pulling me with brutal force.

Just as I let my breath go, I felt complete serenity. An instant of calm and acceptance, I was thinking: “This is ok, this isn’t real.”

I felt Elis’s hand grab my wrist; I half-woke, shuffled the covers in my bed, turned around and cuddled up to my pillow, and fell asleep again.

I was lifted out of the water and I could feel the wind on my face and the air filling up my lungs again. Elis cradled me in his arms, seeming bigger without his shirt on, and I closed my eyelids because the salt water that was clouding my sight was also burning my eyes. I got to shore, and felt two other hands moving from my neck to my mouth, and back to my neck.

I was confused, I didn’t understand much, except that I felt perfectly safe and relaxed now, in Elis’s arms. He had saved my life and for the first time, I felt like saying: I love you.

Did I really mean it?

I wiped my eyes, and tried to open them. I wanted to see his face, and I was curious to know who else was there with him. We were alone on that beach when we arrived, I was almost sure.

It was Elis whom I saw first, hovering over me. In front of me.

I swiveled my head around only to realize Kleio was the one holding me in his arms.

________

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