Remembering You

They said give it time. The emotional wounds will heal, and memories will fade. They said no one should ever feel the pain I have experienced. The ones that do will be forever changed. But will the memories truly ever fade? Will the moments of us go away? Like the little dreams forgotten when we wake. Or stories told to us, to which we believed were fake. Maybe one day they will see, I hold onto the memories of you, because it was the last time I was truly me. They said that boys are to never be cried over. It is just a childish thing to do, because what did they ever deserve for tears to fall? But they do not know the reasoning behind the tears that fall from my face.

Another year has passed. Another birthday without you. Another story to be told to the empty universe. Another reason to hate August. Another reason to wish these were all just dreams. That in some reality, I would wake to you in the bed next to me. Your mom calling to tell us happy anniversary. Another reason to wish I would have been more stubborn on making you not come see me. Another reason to want to forget everything.

But as a person who is so deeply connected to all of her memories, I could never do that. I could never forget the memories. Like how we first met. It was the first week I moved back from Colorado. I was at new Lawless and was forced to be partnered up with you. When the teacher did that, she told me I would thank her in the future. In third grade you walked me home, without even caring. We slowly became best friends and eventually I moved away. We talked every day, never a dull moment. You told me about you and Diana and how you were so happy. I told you about my new adventures at that dreadful school. You told me about your father coming back into your life. Never once told me about your addiction to drugs during our talks. The only way I knew about it was through your brother. I never once stopped caring for you, even when you were doped up on heavy drugs. I never stopped calling and hoping you would answer.

One day my freshman year, you called me out of the blue. Told me that you were lost, and you needed help. I remember my exact words. “Okay, calm down. Tell me what happened. Are you hurt? Please tell me. I won’t judge you. I could never do that, because I love you and care for your safety more than anything.” That was August 26th, 2011. You told me everything and I told you to go home, while I contacted a rehab facility to get you booked into. Then went ahead and called your mother and told her that you were coming home and that you had a rehab spot on hold for you. She could not believe I brought her son home to her, that I was there to help. You went into rehab that next day, and after months of not talking. You called me from rehab. To let me know your sponsor wanted to talk to me. He told me that he was thankful that you had someone like me. He said you never were in love like you were with me. He wanted to thank me for all that I did for you.

After that, a month later you showed up at my house. Asking if I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. That look of hope in your eyes was so worth it when I said yes, because since day one I knew you were something special. Since day one I knew you were my soul mate. Even if I did not know it at the young age. I was yours after that day. We were inseparable.

But the one thing, I hated. Is two years into whatever we became. You decided to come down to propose a promise. A promise that when the time came you were going to marry me. You were going to make my world better for the best thing. You decided your birthday was to be spent with me. You decided against what I wanted, which was for you to spend time with your mom that you were going to come see me instead. And that is the one thing I regret. Because I know if you had stayed home with her, you would not be gone. I got a call that day about two from your brother crying. He said there has been an accident and the doctors did not know if you were going to wake up. You were hit by a truck, on the way down from San Francisco.

You were in so much pain and I could feel it. I felt you get hit that day, but I did not think of it. How could I not think anything of it? I beat myself up every day because of it. I should have paid more attention to that feeling. I should have told my mom I had to get up to San Francisco to see you, because something happened. But I did not think anything of it. You were hurt, and I could not do anything to make it better.

I could not believe the words that left my mouth after being told that you were not in good shape. I told your brother to put the phone to your ear. I needed to speak to you. I had to tell you I loved you. I had to tell you… I am going to be okay, you will find me one day again. You had to let go, because even though your stubborn ass does not like leaving me in pain, I will be okay. I love you, forever and always. And nobody could ever change that. So please let go, be at peace. I need you to be at peace.

With the last I love you out of my mouth, I heard the flatline in the background. I felt something disconnect from me. I heard mom crying in the background and your brother cursing to god. My life has not been the same since. Every now and then I see you, whether in my dreams, your voice in the night, or just a faint shadow of you. I can sense you looking out for me. Today, I can already tell you are going to be here with me.

You see, in life there are people who can change yours in such a small amount of time. Today, was my first loves birthday, and the day he died as well. He changed my whole world and destroyed in a second. Now do not take that wrong… He destroyed it in the best way possible, he gave me the opportunity to become the person I am now. The person who promised to love everyone she can, to not hide from people, to be able to talk to people without crying about her past. The strong person who promised to go after what she wants and change people’s lives every chance she got.

Every day we are given the opportunity to change the world. Every day we are given the opportunity to make someone smile. The opportunity to bring a little more joy to this dreadful world. People ask constantly if they are doing the best they can in life. Trust me, you are. You have this ability to be a better person than you would assume. You can constantly mentally fight over if you are a good person or if there would have been a way to change something major. But that will be a constant fight, which can stress you out a lot. Take it from someone who knows. I was constantly blame myself for Dylan’s death. Constantly was in denial about everything, because it was my fault. But eventually I concluded, fate has a silly way of showing us what we can do, what we can take, and the ability to make a difference.

Today, three years ago would have been the day I had started dating my best friend, my soul mate, my love. Today would have been the day I was engaged, and everything was perfect. Three years ago, to the day, I lost my soul mate. I lost the guy I love but have not lost him completely. You see I know for a fact I still have him with me. He is in my heart, and constantly on my mind. But today, today is his day for me. It is the day he was born, the day we first started dating, and sadly the day I lost him. But every day after today, are the days I make a difference or at least attempted to. Today, tomorrow, any day, is when making a difference matter. A small gesture, a random smile at a stranger, any act of kindness is what makes world a little better to live in. What can change a person’s whole life or simply just their day.

You can get so caught up in doing things to change the world that you forget to take a breath, because if the beginning did not tell you enough. Life is precious. Life can be taken away from you in such a quick moment. Today is for you. Today, please go out and do something amazing. If you get the chance, change someone’s life.

Today, I am living for you, Dylan.