Rebellion

My eyes opened slowly once I began to notice bright lights through my eye lids. It wasn’t quiet where I was; I had this sterile feeling, like I was somewhere clean but unsettling. For a moment, I was incredibly disoriented.

Then I realized I was in the hospital.

I couldn’t move my left arm. I had a mask over my mouth and nose to help me breathe. There was this cold air that surrounded me, too. These were just three things I noticed first. My hair was a mess over my face, I felt heavy, I had a feeling something bad happened.

All I remember was having a panic attack. And by the look on Magnolia’s face when she got me down, it was not a panic attack. It was worse.

My eyes moved around slowly as I adjusted to the light. I was prepared to unhook everything that was attached to me so I could leave on my own.

It must be bad if I could barely move. I didn’t...I don’t remember what Magnolia said.

I shifted and turned my head, seeing Alara sitting by my bedside. She was watching me but she didn’t say anything. In her hands was my glass tablet, and she held it against her thighs, her finger tips tapping on the glass slowly.

Her eyes didn’t move from my face. She was thinking about what to say to me, like she had a lot to say.

“We have to talk.” She finally started after a bit of silence; she didn’t sound too happy.

Why was I here? What happened.

I lifted my hand to take the mask off my face. I was sure I could breathe on my own but there was slight pain that made it uncomfortable.

“Want to explain how you had a heart attack?” She asked.

A heart attack?

That’s what happened?

I didn’t have an answer for her. I didn’t think I was that stressed and that paranoid to induce a heart attack. That’s what that pain was before. The heat in my chest, the feeling like there was a fist in my heart. I couldn’t believe this.

“People your age do not have heart attacks, Aurora.” She came right out with it. “And at first I thought it was a misdiagnosis, but you had a heart attack so bad you almost died.” She explained.

I don’t remember...

“When they told me, I just figured there was no way.” She shrugged. “So I snuck over to check your records and your health. Everything checked out normal.” She said.

And she knew it was a fat lie.

I looked away and tried to move my left arm but I was having a bit of trouble. Alara didn’t get that I didn’t want to talk about what happened. Right now, I had other things to focus on.

When she sighed, I looked over to her, wondering why she seemed so shaky. “You have elevated stress levels.” She said plainly as she looked down and took a breath. “The question is, how elevated.”

She was going to a topic I didn’t want to talk about. My doctor wasn’t going to figure out how or why based on my fake profile. Alara didn’t believe it one bit. She knew I was keeping a secret just based on the incident.

“Alara-”

“How bad is it?” She asked, not wanting to be reasoned with. I pursed my lips and turned away. When I didn’t answer, she just urged me further. “Aurora, how bad is it?” She asked louder because she thought I couldn’t hear her.

“I don’t know.”

She scoffed. “Do you know how stressed you have to be to have a heart attack at twenty-three?” She asked.

I didn’t answer that.

She handed me my tablet so I could unlock it for her to see. I would have to be really stressed and I’m guessing it’s the worst it’s been in months. Probably ever. I changed the mode so she could see everything, all the real things about me.

And she didn’t look shocked when she saw it.

“On the scale, how bad do you think it is?” She asked as she looked at me, a glint of anger in her eyes. I didn’t answer her. “How bad is it, Aurora?”

“Red.”

“Grey.” She said.

I didn’t react. I kept a calm face but Alara knowing how I’m in worse shape than I should be is not good. I wanted to keep this quiet but she won’t let me.

“You know what the system would say? That you are unhealthy and unfit to keep working, that you would have to be detained and managed until you can mentally take care of yourself, that society wouldn’t benefit from your contribution. With grey numbers, you might as well be psychotic.” She said angrily, getting up out of her seat.

“Alara-”

“And what’s worse is that I can’t help you!” She said loudly. “I’ve tried and it didn’t work. Now what Aurora?” She asked.

I don’t know what to tell her.

“You had a heart attack! Do you understand that?” She asked. “What could possibly get you so stressed that this would happen to you?”

She was on the brink of crying. And it’s not good when Alara cries. I should be protecting my little sister but here I was causing her the pain. What am I supposed to tell her? That I was in a bad position when I had the heart attack? That I was so scared other people were getting hurt that I rushed in, completely ignoring Sirus telling me to stay put by the way, and just did everything I could to help while suffering through the intense guilt like everything was my fault? Here Alara was about to cry and I couldn’t tell her why she shouldn’t worry about me.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. And she hated that. “I’m not saying it because it’s my fault. I just can’t tell you.”

She began to cry. “Why do you tell everyone else except for me?” I guess my guilt never went away.

She knows something, not everything, but something.

I had to remind myself not to panic, to keep breathing, to stay calm. My paranoia is what got me here in the first place so I need to calm myself down. When I got it together, I waved her closer so she could stand in front of me. I took her hands to hold them, feeling them shake in mine. She wasn’t cold, she was terrified.

“I’m not telling you so you can’t testify against me when I get charged for my crimes.” I said.

Her eyes widened. “Aurora-”

“Some people are calling me leader of the rebellion, and as much as I hate how they’re saying that, they aren’t wrong.” I sighed and looked away. There’s no way I can help what’s happening to me, I can’t stop people from talking either. “I’m not telling you so you won’t have to worry about protecting yourself so much.”

“But you’re-”

“After everything’s taken care of, I’ll get help-”

“No.” She knew exactly what I was doing. “You’re at the point where cognitive function is practically impossible. You won’t be able to think clearly, make the right decisions, you’ll practically just react on your emotions rather than clear judgment.” She explained.

And I knew that.

The only reason I had a heart attack was because I was stupid, got myself in a situation that I could’ve clearly avoided, and stressed myself out so terribly that I practically blacked out.

Alara’s right.

“Aurora, please.” She begged. “Just come home...I want you to...”

“Okay.”

I’ve reached the breaking point that’s hospitalized me.

“But first I need to go somewhere.” I said and let go of her hands so I could wipe the tears from her face. “Please don’t cry about me, Alara. I promise things are fine.”

And it’s bad enough that I’m saying this while we were sitting in a hospital room. I needed to find my clothes so I could leave.

“I hope where you’re going will help.”

“I haven’t talked to my psychiatrist in a while. I think this is a sign that I need to.” I said.

Phoebe is definitely going to get a kick out of this. The second I tell her I had a heart attack, she’s going to lose it. It’s like all our progress was wasted. I should’ve gone to her sooner and it’s my fault for not doing that.

Alara liked that decision more than anything I’ve said.

“Why do you always wait till the last minute to help yourself?” She asked.

I never really noticed I did that.

“You’ll rush in for everyone else and me, but you’re always last on your list.” She said sadly.

If I don’t start worrying about myself, I can’t help others.

Alara just wants me to be okay, and I don’t know how long she’s going to believe me even though I lie to her. Now she knows that something is going on and it’s causing me to go insane.

“I’ll take better care of myself.” I assured her.

“Yeah, because I’m going to be the one helping you and making sure you do everything right.” She said quickly since she didn’t believe me.

I’m going to have to take all of my medications, stay in a low stress environment, and won’t be able to deal with the Rebellion for a couple days. She’s going to keep me home until I could actually handle myself.

I was more disappointed that I knew the punishment beforehand. This was going to happen.

“Okay, fine, let me just talk to Phoebe first and I’ll come home with you.” I waved my arms up so she could get all the IVs out of my arm.

“Now?” She seemed shocked. “You’re dehydrated and malnourished. You can’t leave.” She warned me. “When I said control your appetite, I meant eat less, not starve yourself.” She clarified.

“I forgot.”

“To eat?” She asked, still shocked and confused. “Okay, Aurora.” She was going to take my answer. “I’ll let your doctor know you aren’t going to listen to him.”

I have a lot to do and I would love to explain it to her but I can’t. If I have to go against doctor’s orders then I just might. I know she wanted to stop me but I did tell her I needed to talk to my psychiatrist. That’s a positive, right?

Alara wasn’t that enthusiastic about seeing me walk out. She was going to keep a close eye on me to make sure I don’t just run off, which I wouldn’t do because that isn’t like me.

If Phoebe has an appointment today, she’s going to have to cancel it. I don’t care who else she has to see. I have so much I need to talk to her about right at this moment.

None of the staff was enjoying my long rants and complaints about absolutely having to see Phoebe at this second. Alara didn’t say anything, she just walked around and checked out the lobby. I don’t think she wanted to claim me as her brother just because I was verbally fighting my way through to talk to Phoebe.

It took fifteen minutes, but I finally got my chance.

I walked into Phoebe’s room and shut the door, locking it quickly. I turned off the drone that was about to wheel by. I knew where all the cameras were and I covered them up as best as I could. They don’t record sessions and that’s a good thing.

“Aurora.” Phoebe knows I’m crazy, but not by how much. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything horrendous.” She said as I walked around to cover everything up.

“I just need to talk to someone who isn’t involved right now.” I said and sat down on the white couch.

“With?”

“This will be completely confidential, right? And I mean, no one can make you testify in court about this session?” I had to be sure.

“It’s not even a real session so it doesn’t count-”

“That’s fine.” I sat down.

I took a breath and tried to think of the best way to explain myself. There was just so much to say about it to her. I feel bad that I let myself become so damage that I have all this crap to tell her.

“I’m part of the rebellion.” I told her. “Well I aggravated it worse but to be fair the new Commander is an asshole.”

“You’ve never clashed with him before.” She said.

“I know!” I threw my hands up. “And I didn’t start having problems till so many people came asking me -no, threatening me to come back as Commander.” I got frustrated.

“Well?”

She wanted to know if I wanted to do that but I clearly didn’t. And I told her like she should’ve known but she had a hunch that maybe I did. She shrugged when I told her no.

“So why are you leading the rebellion?” She asked.

I was about to answer but I stopped before I got the first word out. I don’t have a need to be a leader. I don’t have a need to be in control. I don’t have a need to tell people what to do. And all three of those statements are big lies. That’s why I’m in control of the rebellion. But there’s more than just that.

“When I knew what was happening to people, I had to do something.” I looked around the room because I was about to tell more of the truth. “So, when I found out people were getting their devices deactivated, I started to fix them...with mine.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Aurora, how are you able to do that?”

“I sort of modified my tablet almost a year ago so I would have complete control over what the system sees.” I explained slowly.

That’s what shocked her.

She looked down at her tablet but realized what she was seeing about me was a lie. What should’ve given it away was that my numbers were low and green. I could change the settings on my tablet to show her the truth but I don’t want her to freak out.

“This is dangerous, Aurora.” She warned me.

“I’m about to go to jail for the rest of my life.” I said.

“What-”

“I had a heart attack the other night.” I also put that out there. “And I mean a full on heart attack that almost killed me.” I clarified.

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me, waiting for me to reveal the truth. I picked up the glass on my lap and changed modes; the second I did that, she saw everything, and the room changed based on how I was. The blue walls were no longer blue, they became white and the lights turned white as well. This is the environment I should be in, not somewhere comfortable, but a place that would make it seem like I would conform.

“That’s not possible-”

“I know I should’ve came to you about what was going on but I had so much to deal with and no time.” I explained myself.

“You’re coming to me after your heart attack? Why would you wait so long-”

“I was so busy and overwhelmed.” I told her so she would understand. “I just need to talk to someone who isn’t involved with what’s going on.” I told her. “I don’t want to tell my sister because I don’t want her involved at all, and Sirus is already angry enough with what’s happening.”

Alara said he already knows about the heart attack. Now I’m scared to know how hard he will yell at me. He told me to stay in one location and I didn’t. I can’t even begin to imagine what he felt when he found out that I almost died. This is why I can’t face him.

“Promise me you’re going to get help.” Phoebe demanded.

“After I-”

“Aurora.” She was about to warn me, telling me that I can’t wait anymore.

Right now I can’t do anything. I know I need help but I can’t do anything right now. I have other issues to deal with.

“I’m sure they’ll give me psych help in prison.” I said.

She sighed and covered her face with her hands. If it happens, then it happens and I won’t be able to get out of it.

“I just need to know that I’m doing the right thing.” I said.

“What you’re doing fits your character.” She laughed dryly. I know that. “You’re doing what you believe is right.”

“You’re emphasizing on believe.” I noted.

“Because I don’t know if it’s right.” she said quickly. “The severity of the situation is enough for the news to question what’s going on, but to believe that you’re the one dealing with the problem...” She just didn’t know. “It’s something you would do.”

“Are you sad about it?”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t do it.” She said.

“I tried to mind my own business but I...”

“I know. You just had to help.” She sighed. “I wish you would’ve came to me sooner and talked to me about it.” I know Phoebe is worried about me and I feel bad. “If you let your health get out, your life is practically over until you can manage it.”

“I know.”

“Your worst quality is always wanting to help people.” She said. “You want to keep people safe, alive, and happy. You’re prepared to compromise yourself even if you think it will give you even the slightest chance.” She explained. “And that is the worst thing about you. But that’s what made you good at your job.”

“I couldn’t handle the stress.”

“And you still haven’t learned to manage it.” She didn’t sound disappointed. “But you’re twenty-three, a former Commander, and leader of the rebellion. It’s not like you go through a normal amount of stress. No one your age should be subjected to something so terrible.”

Here I am, going through something so terrible.

“What about you?” I asked.

“The only stress I endured was going to school to get where I am.” She told me. “I didn’t have the weight of an entire nation on my shoulders.”

“Stress is stress.”

“Your stress is already valid, Aurora.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” I said and paused for a second, taking a breath. “How did you handle it?” I asked.

“I worked it off by doing something completely unrelated. Or I talked to someone. Not everyone handles stress the same way.” She made sure I understood that last part.

“I’m still having trouble explaining myself.” I said. “And I think Sirus might murder me when he sees me.”

“Based on what I know, all he wants is for you to stop doing things you shouldn’t.” She said.

And she meant this entire Rebellion issue.

“If he’s angry, then he’s angry. You can’t change that. But you have to let him tell you. You have to hear what’s going on.” She continued.

“I don’t want to.” I responded.

“Aurora-”

“I don’t want to know how much I’m freaking him out. Believe me, I know that he’s overwhelmed, but he doesn’t show it and I don’t need to know.”

“You’re doing that to protect yourself. And that’s okay, but for a healthy relationship-”

“No. Not this again, Phoebe.” I stopped her.

I know exactly where she wanted to go with this. I didn’t want to talk about the relationship aspect of my life. I just wanted to inform her of where my stress was coming from and why I’m in such a bad mental state.

I will not make this about Sirus.

“This isn’t a real session, so I’m not taking notes.” She said but she’s lying. She will always take notes about me. “You’re struggling, and you need to talk more. It doesn’t matter to who, but you need to express yourself better.” She explained.

“I’m fine with how I express myself.”

“Well I’m not. Considering how you’re technically incapable of contributing to society at the moment, I would advise that you take my advice, Aurora.” She warned me.

Right. If I let my profile slip, it’s over. And she thinks talking about it will help me. As much as I doubted it, I had to listen to her. I’m in no position to ignore her. Just talking to me right now without it being a real session puts her at risk. So now she’s getting something out of it which is getting me to comply.

“Alright. I’ll talk. And I’ll let him talk.” I gave in.

“Good.” She said. “So tell me about your attacks.” She abruptly changed the subject. Now I remember why I hate being here.

I owe Phoebe everything but covering every aspect of my life really does make me uncomfortable, even after all this time of seeing her. And she wasn’t surprised that I haven’t changed but it wasn’t going to stop her. At least not right now.

This wasn’t a distraction.

But it was giving me time to think about everything that’s happening. It’s coming from a perspective that didn’t blindly follow me around. I need someone else’s input and that’s definitely why I had to come to Phoebe. Too bad it took a heart attack for me to actually come talk to her.

Better late than never I guess.

Now there’s two people that will literally keep me hostage. Phoebe and I have this deal; I do what I’m told and my secret continues to stay a secret. I don’t like how she threw that on me, but I didn’t say no. Considering my condition, I had to listen. Then there’s Alara who is really going to make sure I do what I’m supposed to.

What is Sirus going to do?

I know he’ll snap, but what else? Would he care enough to want to keep me in check? I’ve caused him so much trouble that I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with talking to him about this last situation.

He told me to stay put, to not move, to let him handle it, but I didn’t listen and now this happened to me.

I’m not sure If I could face him and talk to him.

Most of my clothes were at his place. Almost all of my stuff was at his place. With the way that Alara was talking to me, it seems like I might be home for a while. Sirus wasn’t around. Yet. But he will be soon. I was trying to debate whether I should stay or not. Phoebe really just wants me to listen to everything Sirus has to complain about and not blow it off like it’s some misconception or just paranoia or anything else.

If this didn’t happen, I would have no problems.

I sat in bed, my hands in my hair, my head down, and my eyes closed as I tried to think. I’m still tired and weak. That’s what I get for leaving against medical advice. I didn’t want to eat anything. I didn’t want to take it easy either. I have to keep doing something or I’m going to keep thinking about what I’ll have to say to Sirus. Most of my clothes were packed but I stopped to breathe. I could feel my anxiety creeping up on me again.

I tensed up when I heard footsteps, boots against the floor. This is not good at all. I froze as Sirus walked in the room. My first thought was that he was so angry that he wouldn’t be able to hold back.

But when I looked up, I saw that he was holding back. He was trying to keep it to himself but he was about to blow up from holding it in. It’s not good for him to do that. He’s never been capable of holding out for long anyway.

“Go ahead.” I said quietly.

I needed to hear it.

I needed to hear him yell at me. He’s justified with being angry because I didn’t listen. He knew something was wrong that night and he wanted to keep me from it because I would freak out. I didn’t listen and he has every right to be angry with me.

The second I told him to let it all go, the flood gates opened.

Now I was definitely going to get it.

“You piss me the hell off!” He yelled and I know he meant it. “I told you to stay in one damn place, but you can’t even listen to just that.”

I should’ve listened. I know.

“I can’t fucking stand your need to help people. I hate that you would put yourself in a dangerous position just for anyone else like it’s nothing.” He said loudly. “It’s like you don’t fucking care about yourself at all and I hate that so much!”

That’s not even all of it. Sirus was just so angry he couldn’t stand still. He couldn’t keep his voice down. He was just so angry.

“And what’s worse is that I can’t tell you to stop everything because that would make me seem like some terrible asshole who doesn’t care about what’s going on!”

When he said that though, I realized that he wasn’t bitter angry. He was scared angry. Like he didn’t know what was happening and had to sit through, and now he’s trying to figure who to blame but can’t find anything. Like, he wasn’t sure what was happening. Like everything was falling apart.

I know Sirus gets scared but he hides it well enough that almost everyone doesn’t think he ever gets scared.

But I see what he’s going through now and I feel like I should do something, say something, so he wouldn’t be so scared.

“I will never understand why you do this. It’s the most frustrating thing to know that you won’t listen to me because of your paranoia that someone else is getting hurt.” He continued. “I am so tired of always having to deal with something happening to you when it was completely avoidable.”

For some reason, I felt a little worried. It was like...it sounds​ like Sirus just might give up on me. And...I get it. I couldn’t help but get a little scared though. If he does...what am I going to do?

“You have to...-you just-... You can’t keep putting yourself in situations you know you can’t handle, Aurora!” He can say it so many times but it’s like I will never be able to understand. ”I can’t take it anymore.”

That’s his reason.

He can’t deal with it.

I felt worse. Who knows how he felt when he heard what happened. And the last thing I wanted was to devastate Sirus. To think that it happened was beyond me. Now it did happen and I don’t know what to do.

He’s breaking and its all my fault.

If he’s cracking, how do I expect myself to handle what happens next? Sirus is always the person that snaps me out of everything going wrong. He’s the one that tells me to suck it up and deal with the problems. He’s the one to tell me to get a grip and act like I can do whatever it is I need to do. I’m not even sure if I could do that for him.

So what’s the point?

I can’t even help him so what’s the point?

I see him like this and I think about all the things I’ve put him through in the last couple of months, and he reached his breaking point when I had a heart attack. Knowing Sirus, he tolerates a lot of everything I do, but this was the worst of it.

So what’s the point?

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The stress was pushing down on my shoulders, making me heavy. I was about to have another attack and we both knew that. I couldn’t say anything to Sirus. I couldn’t apologize, I couldn’t tell him what happened because what would that do? It’s not like he would feel better or just forget what happened? The ache in my chest hurt more with every passing second that I freaked out.

I handled everything wrong.

I didn’t judge the situation. I got myself in trouble. I suffered the consequences.

This is what happens when I can’t think properly.

I had to hide my face before I started to cry. I had to do something. I also didn’t want Sirus to feel bad for yelling at me because he had every right to do just that.

Before I knew it, I was up on my feet and making my way over to him. I thought I was going to cry. I thought I was going to humiliate myself in front of him, beg him to forgive me because I’m so sorry. I was sorry. It may not have been my fault but I was sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him, stress him out, or make him worry.

I stood in front of him, prepared to say something but I didn’t have the right words.

I kept my eyes down because I couldn’t look at him, I knew I was wrong for everything that happened. “You’re right.” I said as I moved my fingers in the sleeves of my sweater. “I don’t listen, I get myself in trouble, and I don’t care what happens to me.” I listed.

There’s more that’s wrong with me.

“I’m...I never meant for...” I took a breath because I couldn’t think. I was getting worried about my anxiety.

Right now my hands were getting a little clammy. And I got more stressed when I felt the ache in my chest.

“I need to listen to you more.” I admitted. “And I need to stop making you worry about me.” I also added because that was a big part of it. “If I was thinking clearly, I wouldn’t have moved, but I wasn’t thinking so I’m sorry.”

I didn’t sound that apologetic but I meant it. I meant it enough. We both know that I wasn’t in my right mind when I went down there. I wasn’t focused enough to assess the situation.

Sirus didn’t like my apology. He didn’t say anything as I turned away to get more of my stuff to pack. I feel like he’s too angry to reason with me.

He said what he needed to say. I know what he feels. I get it.

Now I need to get myself together so I can come back and do what I’m supposed to do. I’m of no use like this. Sirus should understand that.

He didn’t move as I packed my stuff. But he didn’t watch me either. He kept his eyes on the floor, his jaw locked tight, his hands clenched. He was holding more back but he didn’t want to talk. I get that too. What else was there now? He said what he needed, well yelled what he needed, but it’s all the same.

I stood in front of him when I got everything together. He wouldn’t look at me. There was enough he had to deal with already, I can’t make it worse than how it already is.

“I...um...” I played with my fingers. “I’ll be back so...don’t worry about me for a few days.” I said quietly.

I’m sure it’s easier said than done. Sirus needs a break from me. It wasn’t till now that I saw I really do cause him a lot of stress. It’s unfair for him. I’m going home, probably going to be monitored for some time, and probably by the time I come back, he won’t be so mad at me.

I was just so sorry that this happened.