Never Have I Ever: Wanted my Brother’s Rival

“How the fuck are you so good at this game?” Jax demanded.

“What, like it’s hard?” I keyed a combo into the controller and wasted both his and Matt’s characters in rapid succession.

“Fuck!” Matt slapped his thigh and flopped back against the couch. “You’re a ringer. Like at trivia night when you said you’d never played pool, then cleared the table on your first turn.”

“Pool is simply geometry and physics.” I shrugged. Their characters respawned. “Angles, velocity, friction.”

“Don’t mind Matt. He’s just salty you won twenty bucks off him,” Jax said, his eyes on the TV as we kept playing.

“I’m salty at both of you,” Matt grumbled. “Why didn’t you stop me from making that bet?”

“Because you’re the moron who challenged a math and physics nerd to pool in the first place.” Jax snickered. “Even I could see that one coming.”

“I still don’t believe it was your first game.” Matt’s tone was light and teasing. “Like when you said you’d never touched a controller until Beck showed you, and ten minutes later you basically did a speed run of the entire game.”

“And every game since,” Beck piped up from where he was sprawled on the loveseat, his nose in his phone. “Remember when Finn challenged him to chess?”

Matt and Jax burst out laughing.

“I had no idea Finn could turn that shade of red,” Matt guffawed. “I thought we were going to have a nerd battle royale after you smoked him in nine moves.”

“Eight,” Beck corrected with a chuckle. “He still bitches about that. And how you did it in less than four minutes.”

“Chess isn’t just strategy. It’s also a mind game.” I didn’t take my eyes off the screen, even though my chest was warm with pride at their praise. “Finn’s one of the better players I’ve gone up against, but he let me get in his head and second-guessed himself. The more time he took, the more time I had to come up with all the possible moves I could do next.”

Ding dong.

“I’ll get it.” Beck rolled off the couch and disappeared into the hallway, then reappeared a moment later.

“Visitor, Eli.”

I glanced up and dropped the controller.

Gray stood behind Beck.

“Do you know that guy?” Matt asked as the silence stretched. “Is this going to be a problem?” His tone went cold.

“It’s fine.” I shook my head and picked up the controller. “You can turn off big brother mode.”

“Are you sure?” Jax asked.

“Considering I’m his actual big brother, I’d say you can dial it down there, killer.” Gray gave my couchmates a flat look.

“You’re his brother?” Matt exclaimed. “I mean, I see it now, but you’re huge compared to—ow.”

I glanced at Matt, who was rubbing his side and looking sheepish, while Jax was shooting me an apologetic look.

“We get that a lot.” Gray kept his attention on me. “Can we talk?”

Gray and I had inherited our mother’s blond hair, but his was light like hers, while mine was dark. He’d taken after our father with his large build and impressive height, while I was the male version of our shorter, slender mother.

People usually mistook me for being younger than I was, but Gray had dealt with the opposite, and he’d spent his childhood being scolded or punished for acting his age because everyone assumed he was years older than he was.

“Eli?”

His soft voice startled me back to the present. I motioned for him to follow me.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Why was he here?

Did something happen?

Was he mad at me for ignoring him?

“Relax.” He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I’m not mad, okay? We’re just going to talk about some stuff.”

“Okay.” I steeled myself and shoved all the intrusive thoughts out of my head. If he said he wasn’t mad, then he wasn’t.

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out as soon as he’d closed the door to my room. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me—”

He yanked me into a tight hug. “Don’t be sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

I pressed my face into his chest and breathed in the familiar scents of his body wash and deodorant.

“It’s okay.” He rubbed my back the way he always did when things were too much. When he talked me down and helped me process when I was on the verge of freaking out. “You’re okay. Just breathe and relax.”

He held me until I let go, the same as he always did.

Fuck. I didn’t deserve him.

I’d lied to him for months. I’d avoided him and ignored his efforts to reach out. All because I’d fallen for his rival.

“I know about you and West.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, his face carefully neutral.

Gray was one of those people who could go from zero to one thousand in the span of seconds. People assumed he had anger issues or was volatile, but he and I were two sides of the same coin.

I didn’t feel things deeply until they boiled over and forced me to process them all at once, which usually triggered a meltdown. Gray felt and internalized everything until he also reached his tipping point, and the only way he knew how to deal was to lash out or react with anger.

But right now, he wasn’t angry. He was hurt, which was a million times worse.

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t.” He sighed. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But… I lied to you.”

“You did.” He swallowed. “But you didn’t exactly have a choice.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” I whispered. “I tried to hate him—”

“I need you to listen now, okay?” He met my eyes, and the heartbreak in them made my chest ache.

“Okay.”

“You’re my favorite person in the whole world, and it kills me that you couldn’t talk to me about what’s been going on because I was blind with anger and hatred over something that happened years ago.”

I blinked back tears. He wasn’t the bad guy here, but he’d found a way to blame himself, the same as he always did.

“You had good reasons.”

“Maybe.” He shifted uncomfortably. “But my rivalry isn’t yours. What happened that night, and everything after, had nothing to do with you. I shouldn’t have put you in the middle of things, but I was so angry and hurt and…”

“You don’t hate me?” I asked, my voice so small it was barely audible.

“Never.” He gripped my arms, anticipating my flight instincts were kicking in. “I could never hate you, not for anything. But especially not for falling in love.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks. The damn inside me broke, and all the stress and pressure from the past few months came tumbling out.

He hugged me tight as I sobbed and ugly cried into his shirt.

I wasn’t only crying about the situation with West but also about how my entire life was about to change. All the things I’d worked for, wanted for so long, were happening, but instead of being excited, I was terrified.

And I’d had no one to talk to about any of it.

“It’s okay,” he soothed. “Just let it out. I’m right here, and we’re going to figure it out. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.”

I had no idea how long we stood there, but the longer he held me, the more settled I felt.

Gray was here. I hadn’t lost my brother.

“I love you, kiddo. You’ll always be my little buddy.” He kissed the top of my head. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” I hiccuped. “And it scares me so much.”

“I know.” He sighed and rubbed my back in slow circles. “I know it feels temporary, like it’ll all be pulled away at any moment, but it won’t. You’ve worked so hard for this, all of it, and I’m so fucking proud of you. Not just for school but for everything. For putting yourself out there and making friends after all the shit you went through. For taking a chance on someone and falling in love. For always putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward when the world was so determined to shove you back. You’re becoming the person you’re meant to be, and I’m so damn honored I get to see it.”

The pride and emotion in his voice sent me into another round of sobs. I’d hurt him, and here he was, comforting me and making me feel better when I was the asshole.

“How do you know I love him?” I pulled away and wiped my eyes.

“I saw you together.” He smiled sadly. “I saw the way you looked at him.”

“When did you see us?”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re happy. He makes you happy.”

“He does.” I blinked back a fresh round of tears. “But what if he doesn’t love me?”

Guilt slammed into me, and I snapped my mouth shut. I shouldn’t be laying this on Gray, but he was my person. He was the one I went to when I needed help. West had also fallen into that role, but he couldn’t replace my brother, and I didn’t want him to.

I needed both of them, just in different ways.

“What if he does?” he countered softly.

“He told me he’s never loved anyone. I know he likes me, and we’re together, but he said his past relationships have been about convenience. He liked them, but he never saw a future with them. Why would I be different?”

“People change.” He sighed heavily. “As much as I don’t want to admit it, they do. The guy I saw you with isn’t the same little shit I knew six years ago. Maybe he didn’t want anything serious with them because they weren’t right for him.”

“But how do I know if I’m the right person for him? How do I know if what I feel is real?”

“Does he make you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Are you able to be yourself with him?”

I nodded.

“When you think about your future, do you want him there with you?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s real.” He smiled, that same sad smile from before. “I know it’s scary. Caring about someone makes you vulnerable, and I imagine loving them is that feeling on crack. But you need to trust yourself and what you’re feeling. And you need to trust him.”

“I do trust him.”

“Then you need to talk to him. Telling someone how you feel is terrifying, but you’re the smartest, strongest, and most capable person I’ve ever known. You know your own mind, and if you’ve found someone who not only makes you happy but you can also trust and be yourself with, then it’s worth the risk.”

“Is it?” I wrapped my arms around my middle. All the fears about the future I’d been holding in came crashing down on me. “What if I let myself love him and I lose him?”

“Is this why you told Mom you weren’t sure you wanted to go to California?”

“It’s not the only reason.”

“Come here.” He tugged me toward the bed and gently pushed me down. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.” He sat next to me and angled his body toward mine.

“I’ve never been alone,” I whispered. “I didn’t even have my own room until last year. How am I supposed to move across the country and live by myself?”

“It’s normal to be scared of change, and this is a huge thing.”

“But I’m an adult.”

“Adults are allowed to be scared.”

“You weren’t. You left when you were seventeen. You’ve been on your own for years.”

“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.” He sighed. “I left for the wrong reasons. I was angry and thought everyone would be better off without me.”

“What?”

“I was a fuckup. I went from being something to losing everything. And I was a stupid teenager. I thought Mom was replacing us with the family she’d always wanted. I didn’t feel like I had a place there.”

“But—”

“I know that’s not true now, but the point is I was scared too. Leaving home is always scary. It doesn’t matter if you’re seventeen or twenty or forty.”

“What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t ever find this again? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I have friends, a boyfriend… but now I have to leave and start over, and I’m so scared it’ll be like it was before and I’ll be alone again.”

“You’re not the same person you were at the beginning of the year. You’ve learned to put yourself out there, to risk getting hurt, but you’ve also learned how to stand up for yourself. I can’t promise you’ll be able to recreate what you have here, but I can promise you’ll never be alone. Your family will always be there for you. I don’t care if you’re down the hall, in the next town, or across the world. If you need me, I’ll be there. Same with Mom and Glenn and the kids. We love you. We will always love you.

“And I think you need to give your friends more credit. Just because you’re not around every day doesn’t mean they’ll forget about you or stop being there for you.”

“I suppose.”

He blew out a breath. “I went to see West before I came here.”

“You did?” I gaped at him.

“Yeah. And he’s fine. I didn’t break your boyfriend.”

I snickered. Gray could be an asshole, but he wasn’t a violent person. “I know. But I’m guessing he didn’t.”

He snorted. “He told me to take a free shot.”

“Bet it was a little tempting.”

“Maybe for a second.” He smirked. “But after talking to him, I trust he cares about you. I’m still wrapping my head around all this, and I’m not ready to hear details about how he came back into your life or what happened that night. Not yet. But if you see something in him worth loving, if you believe he’s a good person, then you need to talk to him. See what he wants, how he feels.” He grinned crookedly. “You remember what I’ve told you about worrying?”

“That worrying is a down payment on a debt I may never owe.” I sighed. “It’s hard to shut that part of my brain down.”

“I know. But that’s why you have us. When that part of your brain gets loud and makes you doubt yourself and the people in your life, talk to us. Let us help you.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.” A burst of annoyance shot through me. “I’m always the one taking, and I hate it.”

“You think you don’t help me?” He knocked his knee against mine. “Look at me.”

I did.

“You help me every day. When I was spiraling after that shit at the party, when my entire world was imploding, you were the only reason I got through it with my sanity. The same when Dad left and every time he’s come back and fucked up our lives. You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t tell you I was struggling. Just having you in my life has helped me.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t tell you because I’m the big brother. It’s not your job to protect or help me, but you do.”

“But I haven’t been there for you. You were dealing with so much, and I cut you off.”

“You needed to take care of yourself. I understand, and I don’t blame you for it.”

“I still should have done more.”

“You did the best you could. And I could have made more of an effort too. The phone works both ways. Sending a few texts isn’t exactly trying hard.”

“I guess we both suck at talking.”

He chuckled. “We do. But you have a chance to break the cycle. You need to talk to him. Soon.”

“I know.” I sighed.

“And don’t worry about the past or my feelings or Mom and Glenn. The only thing you need to focus on is the future, your future.”

“But how can I ask everyone to forgive him? There’s a lot more to the story—”

“I know. But I’m not ready to hear it, not yet. I… I have a lot going on right now. A lot of shit I need to deal with. I’m not in the right place to forgive him, but we have a truce. And I’ll talk to Mom. I’m not saying we’re going to be besties or that things will be easy for either of us, but your happiness is worth it.”

“I love you.” I launched myself into his arms.

“Love you too, kiddo.” He squeezed me tight and kissed my hair.

“Do you have to leave?” I asked when I’d finally untangled myself from him.

“Yeah. I have to work tonight, and I have a feeling my talk with Mom will last a while. You’re not the only one who’s been ignoring the family lately.”

I grimaced. “I’m not looking forward to talking to her when it’s my turn.”

“Can you make me a promise?”

“Anything.”

“Don’t hide from me again. I meant it when I said there’s nothing you could ever do that would change how I feel about you. You’re not just my brother. You’re my best friend.”

“I promise. And you’re my best friend too.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’ll always be here for you too.”

“I know.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Walk me down so your giant roommates don’t think I broke you?”

I laughed and stood. “They’re teddy bears.”

“Maybe to you, but I’d rather not risk it.”

As we headed down the stairs, Gray teased me about random things like he always did.

I hadn’t lost my brother, and now I knew I never would. I still couldn’t believe he and West were on speaking terms or he was so willing to accept him and even forgive him, but that just proved how lucky I was.

My brother loved me.

Hopefully, my boyfriend did too.