Never Have I Ever: Wanted my Brother’s Rival

I leaned back in my chair and spun in a slow circle as my accountant droned on about the last batch of receipts and expenses I’d submitted to her. I had to present my report to my father in five days, on the last day of finals, and her perfectionism was both a blessing and a curse.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Sorry, Shirley. I have someone at my door.”

“Okay,” she said brightly. “I’ll call you later if I have any more questions.”

“Sounds good.” I resisted the urge to sigh. “Have a great day.”

“You too.”

Tucking my phone in my pocket, I left my small office and cut through the main room, which would have been a reception area if I had any staff or got visitors.

The fact that anyone was at my door was strange. I preferred to meet people on-site, and the office was in the same building as a self-storage lot outside the town’s limits. It wasn’t exactly convenient, and I liked that no one ever bothered me here.

“How can I…”

Six and a half years might have passed, but there was no mistaking the man on my doorstep.

His blond hair was longer than the last time I’d seen him. It brushed the top of his ears in a messy style that accentuated his straight nose, full lips, and sharp jawline. His eyes, however, were exactly the same: dark and intense and flashing with both anger and disgust.

Gray Hawthorne. My former rival and my boyfriend’s older brother.

Back in school, we’d been nearly the same size. Now he was at least two inches taller than me, and not only bulkier but also fucking ripped under his tight T-shirt and even tighter jeans.

“Can I come in, or do you want to do this out here?” he asked, his voice silky smooth with a slight rasp that had made all the girls at school gush. It was deeper now, and the anger dripping off every word was obvious.

Wordlessly I stepped back.

He came into the office and closed the door behind him.

“Go ahead.” I braced myself.

“Go ahead?” He tilted his head, his dark eyes filled with challenge and disdain.

“Take your shot. We both know I deserve it.”

“Take my shot for what? For you ruining my life six years ago? Or for fucking my little brother.”

My jaw dropped, and my blood went ice cold in my veins. “You know?”

“I know.” He drew himself up to his full height.

“Did Eli talk to you?”

“No. And that’s the problem.” He glowered at me. “He’s been radio silent for months because of you. He went from texting me constantly and wanting to hang out whenever I had a break from work to ignoring me and barely answering my texts.”

“I’m sorr—”

“Don’t,” he snapped. “Don’t just throw around a meaningless apology and expect it to make this go away.”

I bit my lip and forced myself to let him talk.

“Why? Why him?” His voice was measured and even, but his eyes blazed with fury. “Why my little brother?”

“I…”

“What? No answers? You’ve had two months to prepare for this conversation. Unless you’ve only been fucking with him and never intended for it to get out.”

“No,” I said quickly. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it? Are you sticking it to your old man and slumming it with a poor kid from the east side? Is he one more notch on the old bedpost? Another virgin trophy for your collection?”

“No!”

“Then why him? Of all the people in the world, why him?”

“Because I love him.”

I snapped my mouth closed. Shock reverberated through me. I hadn’t meant to say that. Fuck, I hadn’t even told Eli how I felt, and I’d blurted it out to the one person who hated me more than anything.

“You love him?” He let out a humorless laugh. “You expect me to believe you’re capable of loving anyone but yourself?”

“I don’t expect you to believe anything I say.”

“At least you’re not as dumb as you were when we were kids.”

“Eli and I are together. We’re dating. We just… happened. I never expected to fall for him, but now that I have…”

He snorted and crossed his big arms over his broad chest. “You’re going to ruin his life like you ruined mine?”

“No. I would never do anything to hurt him.”

“And you think isolating him from his family isn’t hurting him? I’m not the only one he’s been ghosting. He’s been avoiding our parents, our siblings, and lying to everyone he cares about because of you.”

I clenched my jaw so I didn’t interrupt. He was right, and this conversation had been a long time coming.

“You claim you love him, but you won’t give him a real relationship. You’re perfectly happy to fuck him in private while he puts his life on hold for you.”

“I’ve never asked him to put anything on hold.”

“No? You didn’t ask him not to go to Stanford next year?”

My jaw dropped as shock rolled over me.

“What?” I whispered.

Eli had been accepted to every graduate school he’d applied to and had settled on Stanford because it was on the West Coast and had a phenomenal science program. They’d also offered him a full-ride scholarship, a TA position, and a monthly stipend to cover his living expenses.

What he didn’t know was I’d been looking into ways to move with him in the fall.

The last few months of cleaning up my father’s mess had shown me I didn’t want to work for him. Even if he stopped micromanaging my life, I didn’t want anything to do with him or his shady practices.

“Like you didn’t know.” He took a step closer, but I held my ground. If he was going to hit me, backing up wouldn’t do anything to soften the blow. “I had to hear it from my mother, who called me sobbing because he’d told her he wasn’t sure if going to Stanford was what he wanted and maybe he’d defer for a year and go to UW or even stay at Rutherford.”

“I… I had no idea.”

“The fuck you didn’t. You already ruined my chance of getting out of this shithole, and now you’re taking my baby brother down too? The fuck? Do you hate me and my family that much? What did we ever do to you?”

“I never asked him to stay. I swear. I want him to go to the best school he can, to have all the opportunities he deserves. I’d never stand in the way of his dreams.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You expect me to believe that after you derailed mine?”

“That was different. It was a mistake—”

“Funny how it was your mistake, but I’m the one who paid for it,” he sneered.

“I know you hate me.”

He snorted again.

“And I know you’ll never forgive me—”

“We’re not talking about that. This is about my brother.”

I stayed quiet as he took another half step closer to me.

“You’re a selfish asshole. It doesn’t matter what happens to anyone else as long as you get what you want.”

“I know how it must look, but I swear to you, I never asked him to stay. I don’t even want to stay here.”

“Then why would he give up his dreams right when they’re about to come true?”

“I don’t know. Things between me and Eli are real. I love him. I want a future with him. I know it’s hard to believe, but I didn’t get with him for any reason other than that. I know our history complicates things.”

The sound he let out was halfway between a growl and a snort.

“But he’s it for me. You can beat the fuck out of me. We both know I deserve it, but I’m not going to walk away from him unless he wants me to.”

“Do you have any idea how crushed he was when you left? How your asshole friends treated him after they kicked me out of school? They made his life miserable just for existing. Because he’s smarter than all of them put together and they got their rocks off by abusing a child.”

“I had no idea. Not until he told me.”

“Of course you didn’t. God forbid you give a shit about anyone but yourself.”

“Are you going to make him break up with me?”

The glare he leveled at me could have turned Medusa to stone.

“Unlike you, I don’t make my brother do anything. He’s an adult and the smartest person I’ll ever know. If he chooses to be with you, then that’s his decision. I don’t agree with it, and it’s taking everything in me not to knock you on your ass for even daring to touch him, but I respect him too much to try and tell him what he can and can’t do with his life.”

“So you’re not going to tell him you know?”

“I am. And if you care even one iota about him, you’ll keep your damn trap shut until I do.”

“When?”

“Today. We’re supposed to go out to dinner as a family to celebrate his graduation when he finishes his last exam on Monday, but the last time our mom heard from him he was trying to weasel out of it.”

“He was?”

I’d known about the dinner, but he’d never mentioned not wanting to go.

“My brother has a kind soul, and he hates lying. The fact that he’s been doing it for months has to be eating him up inside. And if you’re telling the truth and he’s doing this because he’s afraid of the consequences and not because of you, then it needs to end now. The constant stress he’s under, the way his mind works, isn’t good for him. Even you should have been able to pick up that living a double life would destroy him. Not to mention how all this could be affecting his health and his blood sugar. Did you even think about that?”

I nodded, my throat tight with guilt and shame.

Eli had been struggling a bit with his sugar levels, especially the past few weeks. He’d assured me it was from the stress of his exams, but I knew our secret was contributing to it.

Fuck. Was Gray right? Should I have pushed him to talk to his brother? I’d thought letting him handle the situation his way was best, but maybe he’d needed more from me.

“I’m going to talk to him,” Gray continued. “And he and I are going to figure out a way to fix things the way we always do. This is between us. You might be his boyfriend”—he almost spit the word out—“but this is a family issue, and it doesn’t concern you.”

I wanted to argue, but Gray was right. Eli needed his brother, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone if I tried to insert myself into their relationship. His happiness meant everything to me, and if he’d be better off without me, then I’d find a way to deal.

“Okay.”

“I wasn’t asking for your permission.” He smirked, and the family resemblance between the brothers was so stark it hit me like a brick to the face.

“How did you find out?” I asked.

“The night the power came back after the storm.” His tone was sad and soft. “I went over to see if my parents needed help and saw you coming out of the building with him. I thought maybe it was a one-off, but it’s amazing how oblivious you both are.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen you a few times since then. The grocery store, the library. At Cravings.”

He’d seen us at the café? “Why were you at Cravings?”

His nostrils flared, and he drew in a quick breath. Shit. That had been the wrong thing to say.

“I worked on the crew Marilyn and Tabby hired before they opened. I go there when I’m in town to say hi and grab a coffee. Sorry if that’s not all right with you. I know how you rich fucks don’t like it when the poors invade your turf.”

“I didn’t mean it like—”

“Whatever. The point is I’ve known for months. I figured if it was real, if you two were serious, then he’d eventually tell me the truth. But the only thing he’s done is shut me out. This is the kid who tells me everything. Who’s never lied to me or hidden anything because he’s not capable of deception. And now he’s talking about putting his future in jeopardy on top of ghosting us? What the fuck was I supposed to think about you two?

“Anyone who claims to love someone wouldn’t want them to lie to their family or be the reason they’re stressed the fuck out. So that leaves the conclusion you’re using him and he’s just a shiny new toy for you to play with. That you don’t give a shit about his feelings or future as long as you get to put your dick in him.”

“Is that what this is all about? You’re pissed he likes dick?”

“Fuck. You.” He clenched his fists so tight his arms shook. “I know he’s bi. He told me as soon as he figured it out. You having a dick isn’t the problem. You being a dick is.”

“So what happens now?” I asked, the fight leaving me in a rush.

“I talk to my brother and let him know I love him and nothing, not even dating you, could change that. Then I help him figure out what’s going on and why he’s thinking about not going to California.”

I nodded. As much as I wanted to help Eli through this, he needed his brother. He needed them to be okay, and I’d do whatever I could to make it happen.

“You know that us fighting is going to keep destroying him,” I said softly.

“I know.” Gray sighed and looked at the ceiling for a moment.

“So what do we do?”

“Right now, nothing.” He scrubbed one hand over his face. “We can work on this”—he motioned between us—“once I know he’s okay.”

“You think we can fix this?”

“My brother is a strong person, way stronger than he thinks he is, but he’s got so much going on in his head he’s never truly been happy. Not since he was little. He used to light up every room he walked into. His endless questions, the way he’d fixate on every little thing that caught his interest like it was a game. He loved learning, and every day was an adventure for him.

“Then people discovered what he’s capable of, and they beat that out of him with their expectations and demands. Then they showed him how cruel people can be toward anyone who’s different. For years, he’s been convinced there’s something wrong with him. But it’s not him. It’s them. They destroyed the spark of life that made him who he was. I’ve tried to help him find it again. Our mother and stepdad did everything they could, but we couldn’t protect him from the assholes and the harsh realities of life when you’re different.

“But when I saw him with you, the spark was back. He looked happy. And not just happy but radiant. Like the kid I used to know. I saw it back in high school with how he looked at you. I thought you were using him to get your grades up. I was convinced the nice guy who sat with him at lunch when I couldn’t or told his asshole friends to leave him the fuck alone was an act. He told me over and over how you were friends and you were a good person. How the asshat who made my life miserable in the pool and in the halls was the act.”

Shame and regret rolled through me as the memories of how badly I’d treated Gray filtered through my mind. How I’d taunted him about everything from his grades to his swim times to his out-of-date clothes. I’d gone along with the stupid rivalry and let my friends talk shit about him because he was big and strong and I’d figured he could take it.

I hadn’t hated him. I’d never hated him, but I’d done everything in my power to make him hate me.

“But then I saw you with him, and he wasn’t the only happy one. The way you two looked at each other… that’s why I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me what the fuck is going on. My brother is happy for the first time in years, but he wasn’t telling me anything, and was actively avoiding me. And the longer you kept it a secret, the more I thought it was an act and you were using him.”

“I’m not.”

“I know.” He sighed. “But I can’t deal with the shit between us right now. Not until I know he’s okay.”

I nodded, too shocked to speak.

“All I want is for him to be happy.” He sighed again. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him.”

“I want him to be happy too.” My voice cracked embarrassingly, but Gray didn’t make fun of me.

“If my brother sees something in you that’s worth loving, then that tells me you’re not the asshole I thought you were. But this is a lot, and it’s going to take time to get over almost ten years of hate and anger.

“The best I can offer is a truce. We both want him to be happy and to have the life he deserves. I’m willing to work with you, to work on forgiving you, but you need to understand it can’t be an instant thing. I’ve had two months to process that not only are you the reason my brother stopped talking to me, but you’ve also been hooking up with him. And I’ve only known you actually care about him for like, two minutes.”

“It is a lot. And I know it doesn’t mean shit, but I truly am sorry.”

“I’m sure you are.” He scuffed the toe of his shoe against the floor.

“Truce?” I put out my hand.

Grudgingly he took it and gave it a hard shake. “Truce.”

He dropped my hand, and we stared at each other.

Gray’s eyes were dark brown, unlike Eli’s bright green ones, and they were shaped differently, but the vulnerability and hurt in them were achingly familiar.

It was the same look I’d seen in Eli’s eyes for weeks until he’d finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere and I cared.

Wordlessly Gray turned on his heel and strode out of my office. He still had the same walk: quick and purposeful, like he was trying to look confident and self-assured, but his stooped shoulders and dropped chin gave away he wasn’t.

The door closed behind him, and I hobbled over to the wall as dizziness washed over me.

For months, I’d dreaded this conversation and assumed it would end with me having a broken nose or worse. But it hadn’t, and all the things Gray had told me, like Eli not wanting to go away to school and how he hadn’t been happy since he was a kid, hit hard. My knees gave out, and I sank down the wall and rested my head against the cold plaster, breathing deeply and trying not to pass the fuck out.

Maybe things would be okay. Maybe Eli and I could have the future I’d always dreamed of. But that couldn’t happen until things were right with his family. Gray might have accepted us, but his parents were a different story.

I’d never be the guy who made him choose, and it would destroy me if my mistake was the wedge that permanently drove us apart.