Haelan’s Desire (Walk Through Shadows Book Four)

“Can I borrow your car?” Em asked as she set her plate in the sink and turned back to look at Isabelle.

They had just finished a quick lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches after they’d spent the morning putting away a mountain of laundry. Alasdair and Haelan had been assigned baby duty while the women worked. The cheerful smiles that they gave them indicated the males had clearly received the better assignment.

As lunch time approached, Em was ready to switch teams simply to escape Isabelle’s incessant hinting. In the end, she volunteered to make lunch for everyone and ran away to the kitchen. It was unnecessary for Isabelle to point out all of Haelan’s exceptional qualities, physical or otherwise.

Em wasn’t blind. She could see that he was a handsome, loyal, and caring man. She didn’t know if it was grief or guilt that kept her from admitting to herself that she was attracted to him. Not to mention an enormous question mark that had been lingering in her thoughts since the last time she had dreamed of Balthazar.

“Where are you going?” Isabelle asked from her seat at the table.

“I figured since I’m so close to Garrett’s place--” she said with a little shrug.

“Sure you can take the car,” Isabelle said with a big smile. “You and Haelan—”

“I want to go on my own,” Em said quickly.

Alasdair wiped his hands on a napkin and laid it on his plate. “You can’t go to a werewolf’s home, unescorted.”

“He didn’t do anything to me the last two times we went,” Em said as she moved to the table and picked up his plate. “I’ll be fine.”

“Lass—”

“You worry too much,” Em said with a little smile. “Which is sweet—”

“I’ll go with you,” Alasdair said as he sat back in his chair.

“That’s a great idea,” Isabelle said, then stood to take her own plate to the sink. Em puffed out her cheeks while she looked toward the doorway. Since he’d finished eating first, Haelan had leapt to the rescue when Celene had announced she needed a dry diaper. They had not yet returned when Em seized the opportunity to get a bit of distance between herself and the youngest prince. After a second, Em’s gaze slid back to Alasdair.

“We can pick up pizza on the way home,” Alasdair said with an encouraging smile.

“Ice cream,” Em said. “Throw in ice cream and you have a deal.”

“Done.” Alasdair stood with his pronouncement. “I’ll let Haelan know we’re leaving while you go change.”

“What’s wrong with what I have on?” Em looked down at her sweatpants with a chuckle. “Okay, fine.”

The drive to Garrett’s should have taken an hour, but since Alasdair was still not entirely comfortable behind the wheel, the trip took closer to an hour and a half. Not that Em minded. Alasdair was easy to talk to and, with his never satisfied curiosity about the human realm, he asked interesting questions. It was much the same with Haelan, but at least there was no underlying physical attraction to distract her from the conversation. So the ninety minutes they spent together was a pleasant respite for Em.

They pulled into the lane leading up to Garrett’s house in the middle of the afternoon. Em lifted a hand to shield her eyes as the sun reflected off the snow covered lawn, blinding her for a few moments. Alasdair guided the car up to the house and cut the engine. Em unfastened her seat belt, hopped out, and stood looking up at the house for a few moments. Alasdair closed his door and scanned the windows on that side of the house. There was no movement or sounds that he could detect.

Em turned toward the cacophony of barks coming from the outbuilding and smiled as a lone figure ambled out into the run. Alasdair’s gaze followed Em’s, and he lifted a hand in greeting. Their boots crunched against the paw print covered snow as they made their way to the run. Em made it there first and reached up to unlatch the gate. She swung it open for the enormous wolf waiting there.

“Lass,” Alasdair called to her. “Should you be doing that?” Goliath moved around Em, then stood at her side while she closed the gate.

“It’s fine,” she said as she flipped the latch closed. “He has the run of the place.”

“I’m aware of that,” Alasdair said. “It just doesn’t seem appropriate without Garrett here.”

“He’d just jump the fence if we didn’t open the gate.” She smiled at the wolf as he moved closer to her. “Wouldn’t you?” Goliath huffed softly, then looked up at her.

“He doesn’t—” Alasdair’s eyes narrowed. “He is still a werewolf.”

Em shook her head and lifted her hand to run her gloved fingers along the back of Goliath’s head. “Garrett told Haelan that he’s mated.” Goliath dipped his head slightly to brush the side of his face against her stomach. She laughed as she stumbled back. “I’m perfectly safe with him.” She looked at Alasdair’s concerned expression. “He’s like a faerie, very protective of women.” Alasdair nodded once. “Come on, big guy,” she said to Goliath and started walking towards the trees along the edge of Garrett’s property.

The grave was at the halfway point along the side of the fence. Once they moved past the space near the run that had been torn up by excited canine paws, the yard turned into a sea of unbroken white. Em squinted as the afternoon sun bounced off of the sparkling powder.

Alasdair stopped walking about twenty feet away from the grave and let Em continue on with the wolf keeping pace with her. As Em got closer to the not quite symmetric rectangle of rocks, a small square of silver on the tree behind the grave caught her eye. She skirted around the rocks to get a better look at it.

It was a plaque, maybe three inches high and four inches long, that someone had attached to the trunk of the tree about two feet above the base. She leaned down to read it. Her eyes filled with tears as her gaze ran over the two words etched into it.

LOVE ENDURES.

“Who did that?” she asked Goliath as she straightened. The wolf turned his head toward where Alasdair was standing. He had turned away from the pair to watch the road on the other side of the fence. Em swiped at her eyes then turned to the head of the grave, took off her gloves and dropped them on the ground to kneel on them. Goliath moved around her to put himself between her and a chilly breeze that was whistling through the trees. Em looked down at the rocks and sighed heavily. “I don’t know what to say that I haven’t already.” She reached out and brushed the snow away from a few rocks. “I miss you—” Her breath hitched hard. “Still.” Goliath inched closer to her side. “Belle had the baby,” she whispered. “They named her Celene. Kind of vintage—” She shrugged. “But it suits her. I wish you could see her. She’s so cute. Big blue eyes just like her dad’s, chubby little cheeks that are so soft, dark hair like her parents, and when she smiles—” She pressed her hands against her chest. “It’s the most precious thing in the world.” She smiled widely. “Kinda makes me want that for myself, which is just insane.” Her hands fell down to her lap. “She doesn’t have wings yet. I guess it’ll be a few years for that.” She went quiet for a moment and just stared at the rocks. “I thought I saw him a few weeks ago.” Goliath leaned closer to her shoulder. “In my apartment. And I was hoping when I came today—” She reached out and touched a rock as her gaze ran over the length of the grave. Other than where she had brushed away the snow on the stones closest to her, it appeared undisturbed. “There’d be some kind of sign—” She sucked in a big breath. “That he’d come back somehow.” She pulled her hand away from the rocks to swipe at the tears running down her cheeks, then looked at Goliath. “Crazy, right?” Goliath shook his head. “Ya it is.” She reached up and smoothed the thick fur on his shoulder. “It’s hard not to hope when something like that happens.” Goliath dipped his head a little, his deep brown eyes brimming with understanding. Her chin trembled with the effort of trying to hold her tears at bay as he held her gaze for a few moments. She gave him a shaky smile, then turned back to the grave, leaned forward, and pressed her hand to one of the bigger rocks near the edge. “I love you,” she whispered.

She sat there in silence for a few minutes, just trying to hold the image of his smile in her mind. Trying to recall how it felt to be in his arms. Cursing time for taking the crispness of those memories from her and leaving her with much paler recollections she knew would fade into nothingness as more days passed.

The crunch of Alasdair’s boots tugged at her attention. She took a deep breath, then looked up at him. “Lass, I don’t mean to rush you, but the wind is picking up.” He reached out a hand to help her to her feet and once she was standing, he scooped her gloves off the ground.

She smiled slightly as she took the gloves. “Thank you,” she murmured.

He squatted down while she pulled her gloves on, then shoved her hands into her pockets. “I hope you are resting easy,” he said. “She is safe.”

“Some days it feels like I’m the most protected woman on the planet,” Em said with a little frown.

“Do you find it restrictive?” Alasdair asked as he stood.

She looked up at him with a thoughtful glint in her eyes. “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I wasn’t really much for dating before all of this, but now it’s impossible.”

“Dating?”

“You know,” she answered. “Going out with a guy. To the movies or dinner or something.”

“Ah yes,” he said with a big smile. “Courting.” He turned with her and started walking towards the house. “Perhaps Haelan could stand in for your would be suitors.” He turned his head to look at her, but she wasn’t at his side. When he spun around, she was about three feet behind him. “Lass?”

Em was staring at the ground with her hands jammed deep in her pockets. Goliath moved around to her side and bumped his jaw against her chest. “I’m okay,” she murmured to the wolf.

“What did I say?” Alasdair asked as he moved closer to her.

“You didn’t say anything.” She looked at him with a half smile. “I heard something last night. While you were putting Celene to bed, I overheard Haelan and Isabelle talking about me.”

Alasdair reached up and cupped her shoulder through her jacket. “She worries about you—”

“I know,” she said with a frown. “Everyone does.”

“You had an ordeal—”

Her harsh laugh cut him off. “An ordeal? I guess that’s one way of looking at it.” She reached up and patted the hand still resting on her shoulder. “Everyone loses someone, it’s part of life.”

“There was more to it than that.” His fingers squeezed. “That’s why everyone worries.” Goliath bumped his head against her again and she smiled.

“I guess I’m not used to having so many people trying to look after me,” she said as she smoothed the fur on Goliath’s neck.

“Lass,” Alasdair said, then stepped closer to slide his arm across her shoulders. “You’re part of my family now. You’ll never be alone again.”

“I’m just a cousin,” she said with a little shake of her head.

“That’s still family and we faerie take care of our family.” He moved forward slightly and all three of them started walking again. After a few steps, Alasdair let his arm slide free. “Now, we have an important decision to make,” he said.

“About what?”

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “Should we get strawberry or chocolate ice cream?” His lips curled up briefly as he tried to contain his grin.

Em hummed under her breath. “Difficult choice,” she said in a pensive tone. “Haelan likes chocolate but I like vanilla.”

“I like strawberry.”

“It’s a good thing we have over an hour to figure it out,” she said with a grin. Alasdair chuckled. When they reached the run, Em unlatched the gate for Goliath. The wolf looked up at her before stepping inside. She caressed the top of his head, then trailed her fingertips behind his ear. “Take care of yourself.” He huffed softly. “If you ever decide to change back, we should go for a beer. I’ll bet you’ve seen some interesting stuff.” He dipped his head to brush it against her stomach. “Tell Garrett we said hello.” Goliath lowered his head in a quick nod, then walked into the run and turned to watch as Em closed the gate. She latched it and gave him a big smile before turning away.

“I think we should get them all,” Alasdair said as he moved next to her.

“All of what?” She looked up at him with a confused smile.

“Strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla,” he answered with a wave of his hand.

Em grinned at him. “Sounds good to me.”

He got to the passenger side door first and swung it open for her. “Lass,” he said as she settled into the seat. “If you ever need someone to talk to—someone who understands what it’s like—” He reached down and squeezed her shoulder gently. “I should have offered before. Haelan is an excellent fighter and a caring healer, but he doesn’t have the same experience as we’ve had.”

Em nodded quickly, then swallowed the tears that threatened to choke off her voice. “He’s been so kind—”

“But he can’t relate to what fuels your nightmares,” Alasdair said softly.

“It’s always about Davros—”

He squatted down and looked up at her. “You’ve heard both of us recount how he was killed. Do you believe we lied to you?” She shook her head. “What haunts your dreams comes from something else, something deeper. The thing my brother protects you from.”

“What’s that?” she asked in a whisper.

“Loss of your freedom,” he said, then watched her eyes dart away from him, toward the dash directly in front of her seat. He stood up and closed the door.

“I hope you don’t think I’m being ungrateful for what you and your family have done for me,” she said after he got into the car and turned the key.

“I don’t,” he said simply with a sympathetic smile. “I think when you feel safe, he’ll stop chasing you through your mind.” He shifted the car into drive and eased it around to head back down the lane. “It may help, when he comes to you in the darkness, to picture pulling his heart from his chest and holding it in your hands.” His lips curled into a grim smile. “Then burned by fire, never to be returned to its home again.” He turned the car onto the road, then glanced at her profile.

“That’s gruesome,” Em muttered.

“Indeed, but it is accurate and effective.”

“Have you had bad dreams too?”

“Once or twice,” he said. “Probably brought on by the stress of my new status as a parent.”

“Really?” she asked. “I thought you wanted to be a dad.”

“That’s not what I—” He sighed. “I would never wish Celene away—”

“I’m joking,” Em said with a little laugh. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. First a new realm, then a new baby. It must be very stressful.”

“Yes and no,” he said. “Isabelle has been a patient guide and to be truthful, I’d given up hope of ever having a family of my own.” Em looked at him. He smiled widely. “What is the human expression? I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Is that right?”

“That’s perfect,” she said.

“Good,” he said.

“So, it’s been good so far?”

“Yes, though I don’t think I was prepared for certain aspects of fatherhood.”

“Like what?”

“Fear,” he said.

Her eyes went wide as she stared at him. “You get scared?”

He frowned at the road ahead. “Of course I do. Everyone does.” A corner of his mouth lifted slightly. “If someone tells you they don’t they’re lying.”

“What scares the strongest faerie alive?”

He was quiet for a moment while he mulled that question over. “I was in the delivery room with Isabelle and there was nothing I could do to help her except hold her hand.” Em smiled. “I was terrified that something might go wrong and I would lose her or the baby. My strength was useless then.” He took a big breath and let it out slowly. “I’m certain my heart didn’t beat from Isabelle’s last push until they handed Celene to her.” He lifted a hand from the wheel and waved it slightly. “Suddenly this tiny, precious, being entered our lives and even as my heart grew with love I feared I couldn’t protect her in your world.” He shook his head slightly. “When I spoke with Haelan afterward, he told me it was a natural thought for a new father to have.” His expression went flat as she watched. “I saw the beast in my dreams the night Celene was born.”

“Jesus,” Em said softly.

“I woke up in the darkness, the memory of his blood on my hands, and my heart almost pounding out of my chest. Isabelle was still sleeping, Celene was in that strange plastic bassinet next to the bed. As I looked at them I thought about that moment, when I held his heart, and knew that if I had to, I’d face a thousand monsters to keep them safe.”

Em swallowed the tears his declaration had caused and blinked hard. “Alasdair,” she whispered. “I’m sorry that you and Belle got dragged into that. That I dragged you into it.” She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down at them.

He glanced at her. “No one blames you for Davros’ obsession. What those two did to you was unforgivable, and I’m delighted that we could remove them from this world. They’ll never hurt another innocent person again.”

“I should have listened to you,” she said as her eyes fixed on the oncoming road. “I should have listened to Balthazar.”

“Isabelle said the same thing when we returned home,” he said.

“Did you make her swear to listen next time?” she asked with a little grin.

“Actually, she volunteered that oath on her own,” he answered, then smiled. “We’ll see if she holds herself to that.”

Em laughed, which caused Alasdair’s smile to grow. “She’s pretty independent,” she said as she turned to look at his profile. “She takes after her mom.”

“An admirable quality in a female.”

“You don’t find it—I don’t know—annoying, maybe?”

“No, I hope she instills it in Celene.”

Em’s gaze ran over the lines of his face. There was no hint that he was being facetious that she could see. “I think you’re going to be a great dad,” she said.

“Thank you, lass,” he said as he looked over at her. “I will try to live up to that.”

They both turned back to watch the road. Em smiled with a soft sigh.

Isabelle is so lucky.

It was just getting dark when Alasdair pulled the car into the garage and helped Em from her seat. He gathered up the grocery bags filled with ice cream and diapers from the back seat while Em carried the three large pizza boxes.

The house was quiet when they entered. After putting their outerwear away and the food in the kitchen, they went to the living room and found where Isabelle and Haelan had settled. Isabelle was curled up on one end of the couch, her head leaning against the back cushions, fast asleep. Haelan was seated on the other end of the couch. Celene was snuggled in the crook of one of his arms while he fed her from a bottle. Em stopped just inside the doorway as Haelan turned his head and smiled at her. She felt her own lips curving up in response.

“You’re good at that,” she said in a hushed voice.

“She makes it easy,” he said just as softly. “Don’t you?” he asked Celene.

“She has a gentle disposition like her mother,” Alasdair said as he knelt next to Isabelle. “I hope all of our children inherit it.” He reached up and dragged his index finger down the arm Isabelle had resting in her lap. “My love, we’re home.”

She smiled without opening her eyes. “Did you get pizza?” she mumbled.

“Mmm hmm,” he answered. “And lots of ice cream.”

She sighed, then her eyes sprang open, and she sat up. “Where’s—” Her rigid posture softened as Haelan turned his upper body to show her that Celene was safe. “Thank you,” she said with a relieved smile. “You could have woken me up.”

“Don’t be silly. You were tired and I’m perfectly capable of feeding my niece,” Haelan said.

“I’ll bring you some pizza,” Em said to Haelan, then turned to go to the kitchen.

After she left, Haelan looked at Alasdair. “How did it go?”

“It was a quiet visit,” Alasdair answered.

“And how is she doing?” Isabelle asked.

“I think it was helpful,” Alasdair said as he reached up and took her hand.

“Good,” Haelan said and looked toward the doorway for a second. “After last night, I was afraid she might sink back into her grief.”

“What happened last night?” Isabelle asked, then sat up a little straighter.

“Night terror?” Alasdair asked as he stood. Haelan nodded while looking down at Celene. Her mouth wasn’t moving, so he lifted the bottle away with a little smile. “Here.” Alasdair moved toward that end of the couch and snagged a thin blanket from where Haelan had laid it over the arm of the couch. He draped the cloth over his shoulder, then leaned down to take his daughter. Isabelle smiled at him as he cuddled Celene against his shoulder and gently smoothed her little back with his free hand. He returned his mate’s smile with his own.

“I ordered ham and green pepper for you,” Em said to Haelan as she walked into the room carrying two plates and napkins. “You have to get your own,” she said to Isabelle.

Isabelle smirked at her, then flicked her hair over her shoulder. “That’s fine,” she said as she got up from the couch. “I need to wash this, anyway.” She held her hand toward Haelan. He gave her the near empty bottle then accepted the plate Em offered him. Isabelle turned to her mate with a grin, stepped closer to him, then pushed herself onto her tiptoes to give him a quick kiss. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Em sat down next to Haelan and rested her plate on her legs. She looked up at Alasdair. “Thank you for today,” she said.

“You’re welcome,” he said with a smile. “I should go before Isabelle takes all the pepperoni and mushroom.” He walked out of the room while gently bouncing Celene and rubbing her back.

“How did it go here?” Em asked as she lifted a slice of pizza, then took a bite.

“Good. There wasn’t much left to get done after you and Isabelle finished this morning. We just sat around with Celene.” He took a bite. “It’s a good thing you got back when you did though, I was getting hungry.” She smiled as she took another bite. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

She swallowed carefully, then set the pizza on her plate, grabbed her napkin and wiped her lips. “What do you mean?”

“Lass, we’ve been to—in our situation, for six months now?” She nodded. “I’d like to think I know a little about you.” He leaned closer and dropped his voice down as he spoke. “This morning you mentioned having a dream that felt so real you believed you had touched Balthazar, then you have a sudden urge to visit his grave.”

“It’s a shorter trip from here,” she said as she stared at her plate.

“And you were looking for something.” He leaned so close their shoulders were touching. “Did you find it?” She turned to look at him and he saw the answer in her eyes. He dropped the piece of pizza he was holding onto his plate, wiped his hand quickly, then reached up to cup her cheek gently. He watched her bottom lip tremble for a second, then she tilted her head forward and looked down at the space between them. “I’m sorry.” He pulled her a little closer and pressed his lips against her hair. “To have your heart hand you a shred of hope is just cruel.” She nodded slightly, then took a big breath as she lowered her head to his shoulder. His thumb brushed her skin gently. “Em, you’re strong,” he murmured. “You will get through this too.”

“I’ll try,” she said as she lifted her head to look at him.

His lips curved into a sweet smile. “You will.” Her gaze fell from his eyes to that smile and her breath caught in her throat. She couldn’t seem to pull her eyes away.

Why have I never noticed how full they are before?

The floor just outside the doorway creaked as Alasdair came back, carrying Celene in her swing in one hand, and a plate in the other. Haelan slid his hand from her cheek while Em sat back, then turned to watch Alasdair set the swing down right in front of the big easy chair next to the couch, then sit down in the chair so he could watch her while he ate.

After a second Em looked down at her plate, pretending interest in her food, instead being focused on the cheek Haelan had cradled so tenderly, and the odd sense of longing the withdrawal of his touch left behind. She picked at the pizza absentmindedly for a minute.

What did he say in the dream?

She turned her head slightly and glanced at Haelan.

Something about moving on?

Haelan leaned closer to her and gave the plate in her lap a pointed look, then smiled. The kaleidoscope of butterflies that had moved into her stomach recently woke up as their eyes met and held.

It’s okay to move on.