Good Elf Gone Wrong: A Holiday Romantic Comedy

I huffed and puffed as I lugged the carts packed full of groceries for tomorrow’s big lunch behind me.

I wished Hudson was there. Sure, he was hot and his cock was amazing, but he also had exclusive use of a pickup truck and was strong enough to easily carry multiple frozen turkeys inside.

I paused before the front porch. There were five icy steps up.

“Come on, you can do it.”

I didn’t want to ferry the food in multiple trips.

“These carts have wheels,” I grunted as I dragged them up the steps. “Crap!”

I stumbled, and Pugnog yelped as I fell hard on the steps, the overstuffed grocery sacks tumbling open and spilling food everywhere.

“My life sucks,” I said to the snowy sky. My Very Merry Berry latte had exploded all over the steps.

“Fucking great.” I sighed.

I unstrapped the baby carrier and set it and Pugnog on the top step.

I’d gotten a lot of weird looks in the grocery store, but I couldn’t put him in a purse because I needed my hands free to lug the carts, and besides, he liked having a nice view.

“Pugnog, no,” I scolded him as he headed for the spilled drink.

I didn’t hear my family inside or see anyone in the windows. Maybe they were at the park with the younger children?

I unloaded a fifteen-pound turkey, steadying it in my arm, and slowly made my way up the steps.

At the front door, I fumbled with my keys, Pugnog winding around my feet.

“Are you trying to make me and poor Mr. Turkey trip?” I asked to the dog as I pushed the door open.

I headed through the house to the kitchen. “You’re going straight to the defrosting, Mr. Turkey. Yes, you are. Who’s a big boy, such a big, beautiful turkey b—”

I strangled a scream as I walked into the living room.

A number of my family members, including my ex-fiancé, my parents, several aunts and uncles, and my sister were sitting there in silence, the chairs loosely assembled in a circle.

Pugnog flopped on the floor and wheezed.

“Sit down, Gracie,” my father said solemnly.

I sat in the only empty chair. Not knowing what to do with the turkey, I set it on my lap.

“What happened?” I said in concern. “Is it Granny Murray?”

Granny Astelle thumped her cane on the floor. “If only the lord would be so gracious.”

“Grace,” a woman, who I didn’t recognize, said in a kindly voice. “Your family has come to me to voice some concerns about your recent change in behavior. Please know that these concerns come from a place of love. They have letters prepared and would like to read them aloud to you. No one is judging you.”

“But the foo—”

“Grace, please give space for your family’s feelings.”

I clamped my mouth shut.

“Thank you, Dr. Bergen. I’ll go first.” James stood up. “Gracie, when I first met you, you were a sweet girl, who loved cooking, family, and decorating. In the last few days, I’ve seen a woman I care very much about spiraling out of control. Your sex addiction—”

“My what?”

“Grace, this is a safe space,” the therapist said serenely.

“Your sex addiction is ruining the holidays and my wedding,” James said. “There have now been three separate occasions where you have clearly orchestrated a situation in order to get caught having sex. There was the pantry incident, the living room couch incident, and, of course, the time in my own bedroom.”

My father shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Papers rustled.

“Gracie, I love you, and I don’t want this addiction to ruin your life. I understand that this is not you. It’s not who you are. You fell in with the wrong crowd. We’re all here today to ask you to see reason and remove Hudson from your life.”

“Is this an intervention?” I hissed.

“Gracie,” the therapist said, putting her hand on my shoulder, “your family is concerned by your behavior. There’s nothing wrong with sex, but when you let it control your life in a negative manner, it’s time to review your behavior. There are programs that can help.”

“Programs?”

“Please.” My mother dabbed her eyes and held up her letter. “Gracie, just listen.” She took a shuddering breath. “When you were born, I held you in my arms, my sweet little baby girl …”

I sat there, the frozen turkey slowly defrosting on my lap, and listened to my mother as she cried and sobbed her way through the letter.

“You loved to play with dolls. She still has all her toys,” she said to the therapist. My dad slowly rubbed circles on my mom’s back.

“She’s not a teenager; this isn’t some rebellion. Gracie was a perfectly nice girl until she met that Hudson. Now it’s not just the sex,” my mother lowered her voice on the S-word, “but she’s become mean, argumentative. She shows up late to decorate for the company Christmas party and her sister’s wedding.”

I sat there and fumed.

“Yes, late to do all the free work that you promised I would do,” I snapped at my mother.

“Gracie,” the therapist said in a soothing voice, “you will have your time to speak.”

My mother cleared her throat.

“I wish to have,” she read off, “my sweet baby girl back, the one who put others first and always had a smile on. Sometimes I see her in my—”

My mother started screaming. I whirled around, the frozen turkey almost falling off my lap, and gasped as Hudson walked into the room, silent as death, wearing a thick-plated vest over his shirt and carrying the biggest gun I’d ever seen.

James swore, and Astelle started praying.

Hudson wasn’t the self-absorbed bad-boy or even the slightly annoyed aloof male who was pretending to be my fake boyfriend. This was something else, something dangerous.

He trained the rifle on my family.

My father’s hands flew up.

“You see?” Granny Astelle said to the therapist. “She brought this animal into our family. Now he’s here to murder us. Call the police.”

Hudson lowered the gun. It wasn’t a hunting rifle; this was a war rifle.

“They’ve already been called. There was food all over the sidewalk,” Hudson said in a clipped tone. “What appeared to be blood all over the floor and cracks in the paint like someone had been thrown onto the ground. The door was ajar. I assumed the worst.” He lowered the huge gun.

“It’s okay, Hudson,” I said quietly. “I’m fine. Just overzealous with how much I could carry.”

His eyes swept over me, cataloguing me, seeing that I still had a venti latte’s worth of blood in my body.

“You can’t barge in here. We’re having a family meeting,” James blustered. He was sweating.

“I don’t care.” Hudson’s voice was as cold as the gray of his eyes. “Gracie, get up.”

“I … um—” My hand fluttered. “They’re reading letters.”

“To fucking Santa?”

“Er … no …”

“Then let’s go. Get your dog and your turkey and move.”

“It’s because he took her virginity that she’s acting like this,” James yelled. “That’s right,” he said to my family. “Gracie was a virgin until she fell in with him. She’s inexperienced, and he’s taking advantage of her naivety.”

I felt like I was going to vomit as my family members gasped in surprise.

Hudson turned his cold gaze on James. My ex shrank like a micropenis in the cold morning air.

“I took it because you weren’t man enough to do it. Guess that makes her mine now.”

“Gracie, you were still a virgin?” my cousin asked, confused. “That’s really weird. You’re like … old.”

“Why is she even in this meeting?” I asked the therapist shrilly.

The gray-haired woman was frowning.

“This was supposed to be a cross section of people in your life who cared about you and were hurt by your behavior.”

“What behavior?” I shrieked. “I always do everything they ask me to. I didn’t even have a real relationship until I was in my twenties because I thought that was what was going to make my parents happy, make them proud of me.”

Hudson stood next to me, a silent sentinel.

“You said that’s what good girls did, that they were quiet and obedient and didn’t have sex,” I said accusingly to my parents.

Kelly scoffed.

“No wonder James was all over me. You weren’t putting out.”

“Because that’s what Mom and Dad said!” I cried. “You always told me that I shouldn’t be having sex, that it was going to ruin my life.”

“Well …” My dad was embarrassed as the therapist gave him a scathing look. “We just meant in high school, not, well—not forever.”

“Do you feel ashamed now, Gracie?” the therapist asked kindly.

“Why?” I yelled, clutching my frozen turkey. “Because I slept with my hot boyfriend? Fuck you. No, I don’t.”

“I bet she had the best sex of any virgin in the history of forever.” Aunt Stacy winked at me. “I would have waited, too, if that meant I got to have him as my first. For the record,” my aunt added, “I thought this whole thing was bullshit, but someone has to relay the gossip to everyone else.” She shrugged. “You know how it is.”

“My apologies, Gracie,” the therapist said, standing up and closing her notebook. “It looks like you’re the one who should really be hosting an intervention for your parents. Let me give you my card.”

She looked Hudson up and down. “I do couples sessions too. Might be a nice Christmas present.”

“She always gives everyone knitted socks, scarfs, or other accessories,” Hudson said in a monotone.

“You cannot seriously be leaving,” my father demanded. “James, you said this woman was going to convince Gracie to get rid of Hudson.”

“Get rid of Hudson?” Several of my male cousins and uncles bounded into the room.

“Man, this is creepy,” one of them said, looking around.

Uncle Bic clapped Hudson on the back, seemingly ignoring the gun.

“He’s on our hockey team for the big family match tomorrow. What the fuck do you mean you’re trying to get rid of him, Rob? Fuck that.”

“He’s bad for Gracie,” James insisted.

“James doesn’t even go to this family match.” My cousin Bobby booed behind his hand.

“How do you know he knows how to play hockey?” James demanded.

My cousins were appalled.

“Hudson grew up in Maplewood Falls. Of course, he knows how to play hockey.”

“Of course, I know how to play hockey.” Hudson was offended.

“He also knows how to fight,” Granny Murray crowed, bustling in behind them, holding up an armful of kale. “You’re not seriously feeding this to everyone, are you, Gracie?”

“It’s a good pregame meal,” I said faintly. “Lots of vitamins and minerals.”

“Hell yeah! We’re going to win!” my cousins whooped.

I sat in the kitchen with Hudson while Granny Murray bossed several of the male family members to ferry in all the spilled groceries.

The gun and vest had disappeared, but Hudson still seemed on edge.

He had given me a cup of tea and an ice pack for my shoulder then made me tell him what food needed to be prepared for dinner. Now he was washing ten pounds of kale in the sink while my cousins hovered around him talking hockey strategy.

“He has brothers,” Uncle Bic declared. “Where’s Dakota? She needs to date one of them so he’s eligible to play too.”

“Yes, please!” Dakota said, popping out from behind the fridge door, where she was rearranging the food to make room for all the milk.

“They’re busy,” Hudson said.

“Too busy for hockey?” my uncle demanded.

Hudson smirked. “All they do is waste time playing hockey.”