Frontier Rats - Quest for Ratopia

As the Vandal touches down steam and gas exit the exhaust vents. A gangway lowers and the Bilothian crew drive out of the cargo hold on three brightly coloured dune buggies with headlights blazing at the front. They park side by side, in a straight line. Each buggy has been customised to suit the driver. Gark and Tark’s buggy is decorated with black and white stripes. Gark sits at the front and Tark sits facing backwards in a rear seat. A large cannon sits on the back end and Tark polishes the bright-green barrel. “It is my turn at the front, we agreed last time!”

Gark cranes around. “We did not agree anything! You said you like the back because you like to shoot the weapon!”

“I like the weapon but I would prefer to be at the front!”

Gark shakes his head exasperated. “There is just no pleasing some folk.”

Carak sits in his white-and-orange buggy which has two huge bumpers front and back while Spigot revs the engine of his yellow buggy with bright green dots all over it. It has a tall spindle in the middle with a propeller at the top. Bibulous walks down the gangway and stops at the bottom. “Pay attention! Do not eat any fluff until you are back here and are off duty. Punishment will be severe if you fail to obey!”

They all moan and groan.

“Silence! Fetch the supplies and be back here before sunset. I want to get off this stinking planet!”

Carak raises his hand.

“What is it Carak?!”

“Count us down boss.”

“What?! No! You’re not racing today!” They all stare at him. “Forget it, I’m not playing this game with you!” None of them move, they just stare at him until finally he rolls his eyes. “Three, two, one. Go!” Carak’s foot hits the peddle, the back wheels’ spin and he darts off. Spigot races off after him. Gark and Tark are still arguing.

Tark shakes his fist. “Accelerate! Idiot!”

“I am accelerating moron! You have your foot on the brake!”

Tark looks down. “Oh!” He lifts his foot and they dart off swerving all over the place.

Bibulous shakes his head. “Morons!” He covers his left and right eyes with his hands and his antenna lowers to cover his middle eye. Then he lowers his arms, turns and walks back up the gangway. “I’m surrounded by morons!”

The rats watch from behind a rock. Scrod creeps out, tiptoes towards the alien ship and peeks up the gangway. He sniffs the air then beckons them over. They all trot up the gangway into the cargo hold. A few scattered crates and tool stations give them cover as they tiptoe across and creep through an open hatch at the far side and enter a short corridor with two hatches on each side and an open hatch at the end.

Bibulous sits in his big comfy command chair on the bridge with his feet up, scrolling through star charts on the big screen. A number of planets appear. “Too small, too far away, too fat. Asteroids! Boring...” The planet Earth appears on the screen. “Hmm, didn’t we blow that one up last week?”

In the background, one by one, the rats tiptoe across the room. Scrod takes a tool from his utility belt and unscrews the bolts holding an air vent in place close to the floor. Then, they all squeeze inside except Nute who stops to look around at all the flickering lights and bright consoles, eyes wide, she whispers, “Oh!!”

Uphrasia beckons her from an air vent. “Nute. Nute come on.” She stops by Carak’s weapon station, and open mouthed she admires the hi-tech console, the flashing lights and information screens.

Bibulous continues to search, then he stops abruptly. “Huh!” His wonky antenna starts to wobble and wave around. He spins round in his chair and scours the room behind him. Nute is hiding behind a metal ceiling support, making herself very thin. Bibulous’ three huge bulging eyes narrow, scanning left and right. “Humph!” He turns back to the view screen.

Nute hops into the duct and the others breathe a sigh of relief. Scrod gathers them round and whispers, “I suggest we all keep our heads down until we can work out what kind of creatures these are.”

The other Bilothians race each other across the plain. Carak is in front closely followed by Gark and Tark. Spigot has his head down and drives up close behind Gark and Tark. He pulls out and accelerates and starts to overtake. Tark grins at him and points his cannon at his face. Spigot looks right just as Tark pulls the trigger and a great jet of orange gunge flies out of the canon and hits Spigot in the face with a splat! Spigot weaves about, slams his foot on the brakes and stops in a cloud of dust. Tark hoots and giggles. “Got you bang smack in the chops! He, he!” Gark hits the accelerator and rams Carak from behind. Carak narrows his eyes, lowers his head and accelerates. He approaches a group of stubby trees with low branches on each side of the track. Carak pulls a lever and a door opens at the back of his buggy revealing a small cannon. As he drives through the trees he presses a button and a net is fired out of the cannon. It spreads out and lands suspended between the branches by tiny hooks. Gark is hot on his heels and hits the net. It stretches, then he is lifted out of the buggy and catapulted back along the track. Carak hoots with laughter as Gark bounces head over heels on the dusty plain behind him, tangled up in the net. Tark looks confused as the buggy weaves off the track, up a steep slope where it pauses for a moment then flips back and lands on top of him with a crash. Carak takes out a net on a short pole. Then as he drives past some low shrubs he reaches out the net and captures big clumps of fluff with it. He is about to take a mouthful when a shadow floats over him. He looks up to see Spigot hovering above with his propeller spinning and pulsing. There is a large yellow rock suspended on a cable beneath his buggy. Spigot laughs an evil laugh, “He, he, he!” He pulls a lever and the rock falls landing on the bonnet of Carak’s buggy. It flips over sending Carak flying through the air. He crashes into the thick thicket of fluff bushes. “Ha, ha, ha! Get some fluff Carak! Wahoo!” Spigot is so busy gloating he crashes straight into a tall, pointy orange rock and slides down landing in a heap at the bottom. Tark and Gark’s heavily dented buggy limps along, missing one back wheel. They pull up next to Spigot as he crawls out of his wrecked buggy. Spigot looks up to see Tark looking down his cannon barrel at him. SPLAT! A huge glob of gunge hits him in the face. “Ha... Ha…,” mocks Tark.

Gark shakes his head in disapproval. “Cold, you’re cold.”

Tark takes offence. “I am not! It was an ‘in the heat of the moment’ thing.”

“I say you’re a cold ruthless being!”

“Well lahdi dah! Look who’s talking!”

Bibulous is still hunting for a target when an image of the Patrick Moore appears on his view screen. He sits upright and zooms in. “Aha! Lots of advanced lifeforms. Plenty of salvage to steal. Flammable fuel source and a nuclear power plant to boot. Should make a splendid explosion!” The sound of engines distracts him; he switches off the view screen, gets up and waddles through the corridor, out into the cargo hold and down the gangway. The other Bilothians have returned. Gark and Tark tow Spigot’s wreck with him sitting on top of it. Carak is covered in tiny scratches as he drives his buggy home. They all sing at the top of their voices. “Fluff, fluff, fluff! We love fluff!”

“Get a move on! You befuddled nincompoops!” As they all drive up the gangway Carak drives over Bibulous’ foot. “Ooh, oh, oh!” Bibulous hops about, holding his bruised big toe. “Carak you bumbling buffoon!”

On the bridge, Bibulous, his right foot bandaged, waits hands on hips as the others file in holding little leather bags bulging with fluff. “Carak! Did you get the water?”

“No Captain. The lake was dry. This planet is finished boss.”

Bibulous takes their bags of fluff and locks them in his locker. “There now. You can have your rations when we have destroyed this planet and are on our break!” They all grumble and moan. “To your posts you mutinous dogs!” he orders wearily. They scatter to their work stations and Bibulous hobbles over to his command chair, lifts his foot onto his console and rests it on a thick fluffy cushion. “Ouch, oh, oh!”

With a mighty roar white fire blasts out of the engines at the back of the ship. The landing gear retracts as jets of fire blast down from the underside. It rises in a cloud of orange dust and blasts up into the sky. The Vandal breaks free of the atmosphere, then rapidly moves away from the planet until it is just a tiny speck on the view screen. Then it slows and turns around a hundred and eighty degrees. The crew wait silently for instruction, hands hovering over their controls. Bibulous takes a deep breath and speaks in a rather bored tone. “And… Activate the Obliterator.”

Carak flicks the switch. “Obliterator activated and in position!”

“Charge the Obliterator.” He waves his hand in a circle in the air.

“Charging the Obliterator!” With a wide grin Carak presses another button and pulls down the big lever.

Bibulous operates a joystick on his panel, and a crosshair darts about his screen over the planet. “Targeting planet! Locked on – fire when ready.”

Carak watches the needle on the gauge move slowly from left to right and into the red, then he slams his fist on the large red fire button. “Fire!”

The laser fires and fans out towards the planet, which burns in a giant ball of fire and then explodes into a cloud of yellow and orange light. Then it implodes with a loud pop! Then, BOOM! Two circular shockwaves blast out into space. The Vandal spins round and round in their wake. The bridge shakes and they all hang on until it settles. Then, they cheer and laugh.

Carak hops up and down excitedly. “Fluff time!”

Bibulous frowns. “Fluff time!? Do you really think you deserve any fluff after what you did to my foot?”

Carak gulps and looks at him with three wide, innocent eyes. “Probably?”

Bibulous scowls at him, then he smiles, if you can call it a smile, as all his teeth are so yellow and very, very pointy it looks more like a fierce growl. “Very well. Since I am feeling generous today I will let you each have half of a ration! I will consume the rest myself.” They all moan as he unlocks the cupboard and hands out their bags. “After our nap we have something very special to destroy.”

Carak can’t contain his enthusiasm. “What is it? What is it?!”

“Ah, ah! I don’t want to spoil the surprise.” Bibulous waves his finger left and right.

Gark looks at Tark’s bag of fluff. “You have more than me!”

“We have exactly the same amount.”

“Once again you ignore my needs for your own selfish ends.”

“What is wrong with you today? All you do is complain!”

Bibulous holds up both his hands above his head. “Will you both just stop arguing and go and eat your fluff!”

They both walk over to their post. Gark says under his breath. “Selfish. So selfish.”

“I’m not sharing with you if that’s what you think.”

“You see? Selfish.”

They all sit down, stuffing large clumps of the fluff into their huge mouths and one by one fall fast asleep at their stations. Bibulous pulls a lever and a metal bunk drops down. He rolls into it and stuffs a gigantic clump of fluff into his enormous wide mouth. He munches and swallows. “Ah. Peace at last.” Then he closes his three big round eyes. Then he opens his left eye, looks left and right, then closes it again.

Scrod furtively pokes his head out of the duct. “Come on!” They all enter the bridge as Scrod paces up and down. “This is a dreadful situation, really dreadful! These monsters can’t be allowed to go around just blowing up planets, willy-nilly! I mean, how will we find our new home?”

Nute climbs up on the captain’s chair and inspects the control panel. She presses a button and the screen comes to life.

“Nute, be careful what you touch!” Scrod warns.

“The technology of this ship is highly advanced. Oh no!” On the screen is an image of the Patrick Moore. “They’re going to destroy our ship, all our friends!”

Scrod marches over. “Nonsense. Let me see.” He squints up at the screen. “It seems the brainy one is right.”

Nute hops down from the chair. “We can’t let them destroy our ship, can we?”

Scrod punches one paw into the palm of the other. “I’m torn. The Rat Way states clearly it’s every rat for himself. It’s a rule we have all lived and prospered by for thousands of years. Do you seriously expect me to turn my back on all that history and risk everything to save a few hundred rats and a loathsome human crew?”

Tears well up in Nute’s eyes. “Yes.” She stares at him with the saddest, most desperate look a rat can manage.

“Don’t look at me like that; I can’t think dispassionately!”

Rose interjects. “She’s right! We have to help our friends, it’s in all our best interests to get back on the Patrick Moore.”

Uphrasia throws open his arms. “Here she goes again! Look, the humans killed my mother. They are our sworn enemy. They would kill us as soon as look at us. Remember the Cybormoggy, the way they tortured Thompus?

“The food wasn’t bad.” Thompus remarks.

Uphrasia holds up his paws. “We hate them!”

Rose puts her paws on his shoulders. “If you feel so bad about your past, how bad will you feel in the future if you don’t make things right? Right now!”

He pulls away. “Now you’re starting to sound like Konrad! I’m confused.”

“I have to agree with Rose”, pipes up Thompus. “After all, there are a lot of ship’s stores to get through on our ship. I’m all for going back.”

Uphrasia paces up and down. “Nonsense! We hide here and wait until we find a safe place to hop off. It’s the Rat Way: every rat for himself. Right, Konrad?”

Konrad looks at his feet. “I don’t feel right in my tummy.”

Carak mumbles in his sleep and rolls over. Scrod ushers them back towards the vent. “Quickly! There’s no time to debate this now. Everyone back in the duct!” They all enter the vent and Scrod stands guard just inside, pulling the grill closed he watches through the slits.

The Bilothian crew start to stir and stretch. Bibulous wakes up and hops down from his bunk, forgetting his sore foot. “Ouch!” He hops over to his command console. “Ooh, ooh!” Then he looks up at the screen where the image of the Patrick Moore is displayed. His face changes to a sour scowl and he slowly turns and looks at each member of the crew one by one. In a sinister voice he asks “Who peeked?!”

The other Bilothians groan and stretch as they wake. They look at each other wondering who did it. Carak defends, “We’ve been asleep all the time your great voluminousness.”

Tark points at Gark. “It was him!”

“Liar! It was not me! It was probably you! Buck passer!”

“One of you looked at my surprise! If there is one thing I can’t stand it is a sneak. No, wait. I like sneaks. Either way, someone is getting punished. Bring me the Electrocutor!” Bibulous holds out his hand, palm open.

Spigot opens a cupboard and takes out a white rod with a short handle. He looks dejected as he is about to hand it over when Bibulous holds up his hand. “Wait!” His antenna wiggles and wobbles again. He looks up at it and frowns. He sniffs, crosses the room, sniffs again. “If I am not mistaken we have an intruder aboard! It seems I may have misjudged you all. Shame, I was looking forward to torturing you.” Spigot lets out a long sigh of relief. Bibulous approaches the duct and notices the bolts have been undone. His three large eyes widen. “My antenna is never wrong!”

Scrod looks at the other rats, then back out at Bibulous as he gets closer to the duct, he whispers. “Get yourselves to a safe hiding place! I’ll take care of this.” They all move out of sight around a bend in the duct as Scrod kicks open the vent, leaps out and knocks Bibulous on his back. Bibulous thumps and kicks. Scrod bites his bandaged foot.

Bibulous yells out in pain. “Argh!! He kicks Scrod back hard with his good foot, gets up and hops about. “Attack the intruder!” Scrod is about to counter attack, when BUZZ! All his hair stands on end and he flops onto the floor, out cold. Spigot stands behind him grinning with the smoking Electrocutor rod in hand.

Bibulous hops over to the vent, yanks it open and peers in. The duct is empty.

Carak pulls Scrod along the deck by his feet. “Shall I shoot this intruder out into space captain?”

“Yes! Blast it out into the vacuum of space and let’s watch it die of asphyxiation!” Carak drags Scrod out into the corridor and hits a button next to the hatch on the left and the air lock door slides open. He pushes Scrod into the air lock and closes the hatch, then reaches for the lever to open the external hatch.

“Wait!” Bibulous bellows. “We have to stop for water on the next planet. We can drop this stowaway off there, then obliterate the planet and fry him in the process!”

“Evil genius master; you truly are a most rotten individual.”

Bibulous grins. “Yes, I am rather pleased with myself for my brilliance, charm and vile imagination. Now. I want to blow up that spaceship! We will get fresh water supplies first. Set a course for planet P373B. I like the tasty purple fruit there. Let’s go, Bilothians!” His crew busy themselves at their posts. Carak opens the hatch and ties Scrod up tightly with a rope.

Gark operates his half of the console and Tark barges him with his shoulder. “Why don’t you ever come up with any good ideas like that?”

Gark looks offended. “I have ideas.”

“Huh! Like what?”

“Gark pulls down a large lever in front of Tark’s face. “I was the one who discovered the fluff!”

“Oh come on! Fluff grows on over seventy planets in this galaxy!”

“Well I discovered it on this particular planet.”

In a grubby hanger full of garbage, broken equipment and rotting food, a small vent opens and the five remaining rats climb out. They find a small space in the garbage and huddle together. Konrad licks a red-and-blue vegetable. “Yuk! Tastes like a cat’s armpit.”

“What will we do without General Scrod?” whines Nute.

Rose announces in a confident tone, “I say we formulate a plan to defeat the aliens, communicate with the humans, then get back on board our ship. Simple!”

Uphrasia raises his eyebrows. “And just tell me how we go about defeating five, large, hostile aliens?”

She folds her arms. “Well, I haven’t worked out that part of our plan yet.”

“Right, then. We hide here and wait until it’s all over, OK?”

Thompus’ eyes bulge. “Wait! Communicate with the humans! I can do that! I can type a message. If only we can find a way to send it.”

“You can type a message to the humans? Uphrasia looks doubtful.”

“Yes – yes, I can.” He taps his dome with his forefinger. “If we can download their ship’s operation manual into my memory chip I think I can manage to send a message.”

Rose claps her paws. “All we need now is some communications access.”

Nute frowns. “Well, I suppose I could operate their communications system.”

Uphrasia shakes his head, exasperated. “We don’t have time. We’re not trained to take on such a dangerous mission and we are outsized and outnumbered!”

Rose folds her arms and scowls at him. “Scrod sacrificed himself for us. You can stay here and hide like a little kit, or you can come along with us and try to help!”

“You could lead us, be a hero!” Nute encourages.

“I’m not the hero type!”

“Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em.” Thompus grins.

Uphrasia turns his back to them. “Konrad and I will stay here!”

Konrad looks confused and torn, he looks at Rose who nods encouragement. “Konrad?”

The poor little chap looks at his feet, forlorn. “I’m sorry, guys.” He steps up next to Uphrasia.

“Very well. We will do it without you!” Rose and the other two start to head back to the bridge, then they all start to slide across the floor as the room tips up. They all cling onto each other. Konrad’s feet skitter on the slippery surface. “Yikes!” A huge pile of food and garbage falls on top of them and they are pushed towards the back wall.

Nute grabs hold of Konrad’s tail and clings on. “What’s happening?!”

The Vandal is plummeting through the atmosphere of planet P373B which is lush and green. It slows down, extends its landing gear, and lands in a beautiful green meadow full of flowers and trees in full blossom. At the back of the ship, a wide hatch opens and with a loud farting noise a huge cube of stinking garbage drops out and lands with a thud on the ground. The rats, who are firmly stuck in the cube, wriggle and struggle out. Konrad is upside down and at the top of the cube, heaves his upper half out. “Argh that was a smelly squash!” He drops to the ground and they all race over to a thick line of thorny bushes just in time as the gangway of the Vandal lowers. Carak and Spigot exit carrying water cans, and Gark and Tark carry Scrod tied up with rope and hanging from a long pole between them. Rose scowls at Uphrasia. “They have General Scrod. I suppose we leave him to his fate. Is that your plan?”

“Well I suppose we could follow and see what they are up to.” The rats creep along through the undergrowth then slither through a grassy meadow in single file. The Bilothians reach a circle of trees and drop Scrod on the ground then march off.

Rose tries to peer over Uphrasia’s head. “I can’t see! The grass is too high. We better stack up.” Uphrasia and Thompus crouch on all fours. Rose and Nute hop on top of them and Konrad climbs up on the very top of the stack.

Thompus grumbles under the weight. “Ooh! How come the heavy one is on top?”

Konrad’s sharp little eyes dart about. “The aliens have gone. General Scrod is tied up. There is a lovely tree with purple flowers.” The stack collapses and Konrad bounces onto the ground. “Hey!”

They burst out into the meadow and gather round Scrod. Nute gently strokes his head. “Please don’t be dead!”

Scrod has his eyes tightly shut. “If any of you ever mention this I’ll court-martial the lot of you!”

Nute dives on him, hugs and kisses him. “You’re alive! You’re alive!”

“OK, enough hugging and kissing! Untie me quick!” Konrad nibbles the rope with his sharp front teeth and they release him. “This planet has potential. We should take a look around.”

“What about the alien ship? Shouldn’t we get back to it?” protests Rose.

“First we need food and water, then we need a first-rate plan. Come on!” He marches off.

“Does he even know where he’s going?”

At the brow of a hill they pause and look down into a lush green valley with hundreds of fruit trees, flowers and short shrubs. Konrad stares, amazed. “It’s Ratopia!” They race down the hill to a stream and all lay down and take a long drink of the crystal clear water. Konrad jumps in and splashes around, ducking his head and washing behind his ears.

Scrod sniffs the air. “Hmm… Something smells good. I’ll scout up ahead. You lot scout around this area then return to rendezvous here.” He disappears into a field of tall maize-like plants with bright red cobs. The others all wash off the smell of garbage then spread out and scout around. Konrad walks through a meadow filled with waste-high grass and pink flowers. He picks one of the flowers and takes a long sniff of the scent. Ten minutes later Uphrasia arrives in the same meadow and notices Konrad standing in the middle. “Konrad!” Konrad does not react. “Konrad!” He still does not respond. Uphrasia frowns and trots down the slope into the meadow. He steps on something and looks down. An alien skeleton is laying on the ground clutching a dried flower. It has a long domed head and a curved back. When he arrives he finds Konrad standing in a daze still holding the flower. Uphrasia pokes him and Konrad slowly turns and looks at him, holds up the flower and smiles. “Such a lovely scent.” Uphrasia leans down and smells the flower.

Rose paces back and forth impatiently at the rendezvous point. “What is taking them so long?” She walks out onto the top of the meadow to see Uphrasia, Konrad, Nute and Thompus all standing in the middle of the meadow. “Hey guys!” None of them respond. She trots down the meadow towards them. There is a crack under her foot and she looks down to see the same alien skeleton holding a dried flower. Then another and another. There are hundreds of withered skeletons strewn across the field. She reaches the others and they all stand looking dazed. “Hey guys, what happened to meeting up at the rendezvous point?”

Uphrasia holds up a flower. “Such a lovely scent.” Rose notices that they are all holding the same flowers. She takes a step back. “Uphrasia!” He lifts the flower to his nose. Rose hops forward, snatches it and throws it down, then she takes the flowers out of the others’ paws. She shakes Uphrasia by the shoulders. “Snap out of it Uphrasia, remember our mission!”

“Mission?”

Konrad leans down to pick another flower. “No!” Rose grabs him. “Konrad no flowers! All of you back up to the rendezvous point!” One by one she turns them to face back up the hill and ushers them forward. Nute picks a flower and Rose quickly takes it from her. “No! No flower picking!”

“Such a lovely scent,” Nute protests.

Rose finally manages to get them all back to the tree by the stream and splashes water on their faces. They all slowly snap out of their dazed state.

Uphrasia scratches his tuft and yawns. “What’s going on? Why are we here? Who am I?”

Rose looks directly in his face. “You’re Private Teach of Space Corps, remember?” She slaps his face gently a few times. “Uphrasia!”

“Space Corps, ship’s biscuits, remember?” His eyes open wide. “We were scouting.”

“That’s right, you were smelling the flowers and you forgot everything.”

After about half an hour they all remember who they are and what had happened. They sit under a fruit tree in the warm sunshine waiting for Scrod to return. Konrad dozes when a large soft fruit drops onto his tummy, bounces off and lands on the ground. He picks it up and smells it.

“Wait!” Nute fumbles for her toxicology machine as Konrad’s open jaw freezes, with the fruit held between his fingertips. “It may be toxic!” Saliva drips from Konrad’s mouth, he sweats and his brow creases up. “I have to test it first!”

Uphrasia pleads with him. “Don’t do it Konrad. Remember the fluff!” But it’s too much for him to resist. He takes a bite of the fruit, chews and swallows.

Rose can’t believe her eyes. “Are you crazy?!”

He licks his fingers. “The Rat Way states: eat first, and if you die don’t eat it again. It’s yummy!” He burps. “A bit fizzy though.” He picks up another, tosses it into the air and swallows it whole.

Nute picks up one of the fruits, smells it and licks it. “It’s fermented into alcohol.”

Konrad is already eating another. “Zshish ones vewy nishe too. Hic!” In the background, Thompus burps.

“Not you, too?” Nute tests the fruit with her machine. “It seems OK.”

Thompus holds a fruit between his thumb and forefinger. “He’s right. They are jolly tasty; sweet with just a hint of sharpness.”

Nute frowns, then nibbles the fruit. She rocks her head from side to side, making her wires rattle together, then takes a big bite. “Yum!”

Scrod walks through the vast field of tall, red maize. He sweats and wipes his brow and after a while reaches the end of the field. He parts the maize stalks and pokes his head through. A group of three roughly made straw huts cluster around a wicker food store. Three little reptilian aliens sit next to it. They have soft purple fur all over their bodies except for their heads and their hands which have large sharp claws. Their long mouths have fine, sharp little teeth and their two eyes are set into small domes that move around independently of each other. There is a ridge all the way along their backs leading down to a long scaly tail. They go about their business separating maize from the cob, mashing grain, kneading dough and making bread. They chatter together, absorbed in their work, making chirpy, bird-like sounds. These are the Tingoils, the renowned intergalactic space engineers.

Rose stands under the fruit tree with her arms folded. The other four roll around on the ground drunk. Konrad throws a pawful of mushy fruit at Thompus and it lands on his face and slides down leaving a purple stain. They all start throwing fruit.

Rose tries to stop them. “Guys, cut this out! What will General Scrod say?!” A large clump of mush hits her in the face. Furious she wipes it off. “Right!” She picks up a huge pile of fruit with both paws, squishes it together into a ball and throws it with all her might at Uphrasia who ducks just as Scrod parts the maize. The fruit hits him square in the face with a big SPLAT!

He shakes it off. “What’s the meaning of this?!”

Konrad slurs. “Showy, we didn’t know it wash contaminated sir. Hic!”

“Pull yourselves together and come with me!” Scrod barks. Then he vanishes into the maize. They all brush themselves down and follow. Rose hangs back as Uphrasia parts the maize and is about to enter.

“Uphrasia?!” Rose says in a sweet voice. He looks back just as a huge pile of mushy fruit hits him in the face. Rose doubles over laughing.

Uphrasia looks angry, then bursts out laughing. “OK I deserved that one.”

Scrod shouts from a distance away, “Don’t dilly dally!” The rats wander into the settlement and the Tingoils stop what they are doing and huddle together looking very afraid. Thompus and Konrad pull a woven straw lid off the food store and peek inside.

“Jackpot!” Thompus gasps, and they both tip their heads into the food store, pull out crude loaves of bread and start to scoff them down.

Scrod enters the nearest hut then comes out with a large pie containing purple fruit. He takes a huge bite and licks his lips. “Delicious! These chaps can really cook!”

Rose folds her arms, the corners of her mouth turning down. Uphrasia stands watching, beads of sweat roll down his snout. Konrad moves around the top of the food store. “Look, there’s more over here!”

“Stop!” Snaps Uphrasia. They freeze and look at him in astonishment. Uphrasia marches forward. “Put it back!”

Konrad swallows a mouthful with a loud gulp. “Put it back? But what about the Rat Way?”

“Stuff the Way! Put it back, all of it!”

They reluctantly put back the food. Uphrasia looks over at Scrod, who hides the last piece of pie behind his back. Uphrasia scowls at him. “All of it!” Scrod tosses the pie back into the hut.

Thompus waves a crust of bread about in protest. “What’s the problem here? It’s just a few morsels of food.”

Rose steps up next to Uphrasia. “It’s not ours to take.”

Uphrasia clears his throat. “Rose is right. We can’t just take what we want, eat what we want and sleep where we want! We have to share, and, well, be nice to people and stuff.”

Rose grins at him. “Great speech Churchill.”

“Thanks, I was working on it all afternoon.”

Scrod walks over and squares up to Uphrasia. “Now listen here, young rat! Our selfish Way has served us well for thousands of years and we have flourished as a species. The most successful mammal on Earth, after humans! Millions of us have been stealing, nipping peoples fingers and sleeping where we like!”

“Yes, but at what cost? Look where it’s got us. Hated and feared by humans and just about every other species in the universe. If we take their food we’re just as bad as those Vandals who destroy planets for no other reason but their sick amusement! We should be better than that!” He paces back and forth. “We should write a new Rat Way that is fair for everyone. We should be like, Gorgonzola!”

Scrod snorts. “Gorgonzola! Ha! It’s a bedtime story made up by mothers to teach their children to behave. You can’t expect us to change our ways because of a fantasy tale. I suppose you think we should help these pathetic little creatures as well?!”

“Now you mention it, yes!”

Rose kneels down before the Tingoils and reaches out her paw. “Don’t be afraid, we mean you no harm.”

Konrad walks over to them concealing a crust of bread behind his back. “I’m sorry little guys.” He gives the nearest one the crust and a small scaly claw reaches out and takes it.

Scrod marches around in circles waving his arms about. “This is ridiculous. It goes against the grain! Being nice to people, not biting and stealing!” A shudder runs down his spine. “Ooh…” He shakes his arms.

Konrad’s beady eyes twinkle. “It’s not so bad, actually. I’ve got a warm, fuzzy feeling in my tummy. You ought to try it General.”

Scrod straightens his back and folds his arms. “Humph! I couldn’t, could I?” Then he steps forward and juts out his right paw towards one of the Tingoils. “General Scrod, Space Corps! Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

A small shaking claw reaches out and takes his. “Fazool…”

Scrod’s eyebrows raise and he gently shakes Fazool’s claw. Another Tingoil holds out a loaf of bread, offering it to him. “Kazouri…”

“Huh!” He takes the bread. “No one has ever given me anything before. Not without a fight or at least a nip or two.” Scrod spins around, gulps and stifles a tear. “I’ll just patrol the perimeter.” He marches off.

Konrad hops around grinning. “This is fantastic! We can live here with them in paradise!” Thompus joins him and they link arms and dance around in circles and sing together.

“It’s tough at the bottom of the food chain, when every day is do or die, and whenever you look up all you see is someone’s…”

“Guys stop – stop!” Uphrasia waves his paws up and down and they stop dancing.

Konrad frowns and wrinkles his snout as he always does when he’s confused. “Now what? We’re being nice now. I get it.”

Uphrasia takes in a deep breath. “We’re going back!”

Thompus looks shocked. “Back? Back where?”

Uphrasia starts pacing around the group. “Back to the alien spaceship, back to defeat the aliens and rescue the Patrick Moore. Back to being heroes!”

Thompus panics. “We don’t have to die, we can stay here and live the good life here in Ratopia! Come on guys forget the Patrick Moore and those rotten humans! Forget danger and being heroes! We have everything we need right here! After all it sounds rather dangerous!”

Uphrasia looks at Rose and she nods in agreement. “We can’t stay here. Those evil aliens will destroy this planet like they did the last one. So you see, either way we are destined to face danger and death.”

Nute sighs. “Great, that’s cheered me right up.”

Rose puts her paw on Nute’s shoulder and addresses them all in a serious tone, “We have got to defeat those aliens, warn the humans and save our friends! Our own survival depends on it.”

Scrod appears beside her, puffs up his chest and clears his throat. “That’s right. My plan of action is attack!” Now he is all fired up. “We overpower those evil aliens in mortal combat! Warn the humans of their impending destruction and rescue our shipmates! Who’s with me?!” He holds out his paw in a fist looking left and right expectantly. “Anyone?”

Rose rolls her eyes. “Wow, what a fantastic plan! Where did it come from, I wonder?” She slams her paw on top of his. “I’m in!”

Nute hops forward and adds her paw. “Me too!”

Uphrasia slaps his paw down triumphantly. “Let’s do this!”

Konrad shrugs and adds his paw. “OK I’ll join the party!”

A Tingoil claw slaps down. “Fazool!”

Then another. “Kazouri!”

Then the third. “Metnaz!”

Thompus folds his arms and sulks, kicks a stone, looks at the ground and huffs. “I’ve had rocks fall on my head! Been shaken by earthquakes and nearly eaten by a giant megoroslug!”

Konrad looks up at Scrod and whispers something in his ear.

Scrod’s eyes widen. “Double rations?” He thinks for a moment and then shouts. “Double? Nay, triple rations!”

Thompus raises one eyebrow, scratches his chin and looks up at the sky.

His paw lands on the rest with a slap. “You had me at double rations!”

“OK. Now we need a really good plan.” Scrod turns very serious. “It’s going to be extremely dangerous.”