Frontier Rats - Quest for Ratopia

The Vandal sits with its vents steaming as the Bilothians carry large barrels of sloshing water, sacks of purple fruit and bulging bags of fluff up the gangway and into the ship’s hold. The rats and the Tingoils creep through the long grass, line up at the edge and watch. Rose pushes her snout through and sniffs the air. “How do we get back on board?”

Uphrasia’s eyes narrow. “The same way we came out!”

“Coast is clear.” Scrod hops out and marches toward the ship.

They all scamper over to the garbage hatch. Konrad stands on Scrod’s shoulders and pulls hard on a handle. “Argh! It’s stuck.”

Nute cheers him on. “Pull, Konrad, pull!” Konrad glances down at her, then, with a mighty groan, he pulls the hatch handle. It gives way and Konrad swings under the ship hanging onto the hatch as a huge pile of slimy, smelly green goo falls on top of Scrod.

Rose sticks out her tongue and gags. “Yuck, even for a rat that’s disgusting.”

Scrod shakes off the slime. “Why is it always me who gets the most grimed? Never mind, up you go, smallest first.”

The Tingoils climb up his back and hop in through the hatch. Then the others follow and haul Scrod up after them with his legs waggling. Inside the dank and filthy garbage hanger, Fazool stands next to a hatch, taps a code on a key pad and the hatch jerks open. They all follow him through the hatch and it slams shut behind them. Uphrasia punches the palm of his paw. “Of course. This is your ship. Those rotten blobs must have stolen it!”

Scrod wipes his fur, cleaning off the stinky green slime. He licks his paw and grooms behind his ears. “Nute, Thompus, go with Fazool. Find a way to communicate with the humans and warn them of their imminent destruction!”

Thompus and Nute stand to attention. “Sir, yes sir!” Fazool beckons them with his tiny claw and they follow. Scrod shakes his fur and the others guard their faces from the drops of slime. “Konrad, Rose, Uphrasia, Kazouri and Metnaz, your mission: sabotage that laser weapon!”

Konrad frowns. “What about you, sir?”

Scrod punches his paw and rubs his fist. “I have unfinished business with that despicable blob!”

On the bridge, Bibulous sits at his station. He operates the controls as the ship blasts away from the planet. Suddenly his antenna starts to wobble. He spots a flashing red light on his console. He flicks a switch and the screen flickers, then Konrad, Rose and Uphrasia appear with the Tingoils moving through a corridor. Bibulous spins around in his chair. “Crew! We have intruders aboard. Arm yourselves! Scour the ship. Look for and vaporise anything that moves!” The crew scurry about grabbing laser pistols and rifles from their lockers and begin loading them with power cells. Then they exit, hopping through various hatches that swish open then shut behind them.

Nute, Thompus and Fazool sneak along a corridor hugging the wall. They arrive at a metal spiral staircase. Tark and Gark start to descend, their heavy feet clunking on the metal steps. “I’m going to vaporise them!” Tark boasts.

“I’m going to obliterate them!” Gark retorts.

“I’m going to squish them then I’m going to macerate them!”

“Well I’m going to crush them, slice and dice them, then I’m going to flush them!”

Tark pauses on the bottom step. “Flush them. I like that. Yeah! Let’s flush them! He, he, he!” They enter the corridor and look around. “Herm! Where are they?

“Bibulous said they were here on this level.”

“I don’t see them. Is it possible Bibulous imagined them?”

Gark holsters his laser pistol. “Well he has been under a lot of stress lately.”

“Yes. Indicative of a latent dictator syndrome stemming from a lack of a patriarchal influence in his early child hood.”

“Couple that with his abandonment issues, his paranoid and psychotic acting out of a subconscious maniacal-monster identity and what do you get?”

“Somebody who needs a lot of love!”

“Exactly.” Tark holsters his weapon. “We should go and give him a hug.”

“Or we could go down to the galley and eat our secret stash of fluff.”

“I like your plan better. Let’s go!” With that they both walk off along the corridor and exit through the hatch at the far end.

Thompus, Nute and Fazool drop down from the underside of the spiral staircase. Nute starts to climb the stairs. “Phew! That was a lot easier than I expected.”

“Surprise, suckers!” Gark and Tark re-appear at the entrance to the corridor and start blasting with their laser guns. Thompus and Fazool race up the spiral staircase after Nute as bolts of white light bounce off the metalwork and hit the back wall leaving smouldering melted holes.

Tark holsters his weapon. “We missed them.”

“It was your fault! You shouldn’t have shouted out and warned them!”

“What did we discuss? We clearly agreed to shout out and surprise them!”

“Well I don’t remember agreeing to shouting out that’s all I’m saying.”

Uphrasia, Konrad, Rose and the other Tingoils make their way up to the laser weapon. They find themselves in a network of corridors lined with lockers, sleeping quarters, a dining area and the ship’s galley. Rose looks at a map on the wall. Metnaz points to the top of the map where the laser weapon is located. “We have to go three levels up, then all the way to the front of the ship. We have to pass by the bridge that way. Much too risky. Then up two levels through the air ducts. What’s this?” Rose points to a spot on the map.

Kazouri looks over her shoulder and blows a raspberry.

“Ah… The toilets. So this area just next door must be the sewage treatment tank. There’s a hatch on the top we can go through here up into the top level.”

“Seriously! Through the sewage?” Uphrasia shakes his head. “Surely there’s another way.

“Come on, we’re rats. How hard can it be? It’s the only way to avoid the bridge and detection.”

They stand in a small cramped room looking at a hatch on top of a big blue pipe. Uphrasia starts to unscrew the hatch wheel and pulls it open. They all look away and grimace. “Phew! You cannot be serious! It stinks to high stilton!”

Rose hops up onto the pipe. “Just hold your breath and don’t swallow anything!” With that, she holds her nose, jumps into the hole and, with a splash of dirty brown water, disappears inside the pipe. She swims along it and exits into the large sewage tank. She kicks off the wall with her back paws and swims upwards. Konrad is next. He swims as fast as he can through the pipe and up towards the top of the tank.

Uphrasia looks at the Tingoils and smiles. “After you guys.” One after the other they both hop up onto the pipe and without hesitation jump in through the hatch. Uphrasia climbs up onto the pipe. “I’ll never moan about taking a bath again!” He holds his nose and mouth with both paws and hops in. Inside the sewage tank the five swim upwards through the murky brown water. Rose reaches the upper hatch where there is a pocket of foul-smelling air. She starts to unscrew the hatch wheel. It’s stiff and she struggles. Konrad arrives spluttering and coughing, he tries to assist her but the wheel still won’t give. Uphrasia swims upwards passing the Tingoils and various suspicious-looking objects floating around in the sewage soup. A small blob shape turns and follows him upwards in ripples, shortening its body then growing longer in short pulses. Uphrasia coughs and chokes on every vile-smelling breath as he reaches the top. He helps them with the hatch wheel; with a creak it turns slowly. Then the Tingoils arrive and gasp for air.

The hatch opens into a dark grubby room with old rusty pipes and off cuts of cable strewn all over the floor. They all climb out and shake off the sewage water. Uphrasia takes off his tunic and wrings it out. “That was it! That was the most disgusting moment of my whole life! It’s official!” He starts to put his tunic back on. Attached to his back is a leech. Its body is pale white with red blood vessels running from top to bottom. He buttons up the tunic and does not notice a piece of toilet paper stuck to his left ear.

Konrad stares at it. “You’ve got a thingy.”

“What?”

“On your ear, a whatsit.”

Uphrasia looks upwards then shakes his head and the toilet paper flies off. “Whoa, yuck!” He shudders.

The cargo hold is dark and in the corner on the floor is a round hatch. The circular handle starts to turn and the hatch opens a crack. Thompus pokes his sandy-brown snout through and sniffs three times. He opens the hatch fully and climbs out followed by Nute and Fazool. They scamper to the back of the hold and hide behind some packing crates. Nute feels the back wall. “It’s hot here!”

Thompus feels the wall. “The engines must be just on the other side.”

“That gives me an idea.” Nute takes off her rucksack and rummages inside. Another hatch on the far wall swishes open and Carak and Spigot hop in with their laser rifles ready. They move around the cargo hold looking behind crates and shoving aside tool trolleys. Nute, Thompus and Fazool sneak along behind a low crate towards the hatch Carak left open.

“Psst!” Spigot stops in his tracks and looks over at Carak who nods his head sideways indicating a gap between two large crates at the back. They both move into the centre of the room and aim their weapons at two glowing eyes in the darkness. Carak narrows his eyes. “Ready?”

Spigot aims carefully. “Ready.”

“Fire!” They both let forth and bolts of white light dart out of their rifles and hit the space between the two glowing eyes. There is a loud bang and an explosion of fire knocks them onto the floor. The glowing eyes on the back wall are two of Nute’s calcite crystals, the heat from the ship’s engines making them glow. The three sneak out through the hatch.

As Nute exits she looks back at the two unconscious Bilothians on the floor.

“Thermoluminescence!”

They stand in a short corridor with two doors on either side and one at the far end in front of them that leads to the bridge. Fazool indicates the door at the left and they enter. Nute looks around the tiny cramped communications room on the left. Many lights on the numerous consoles glitter and flash. Fazool hops up onto a tall chair in front of a monitor. Nute stands to his left, wrinkles her snout and frowns. “Looks complicated.”

Thompus steps up to the right of Fazool. “He seems familiar with it all.” He waves his paws over the dials and switches. “How do we send a signal to our ship?”

Fazool chirps and whistles and operates the transmitter, his hard claws tip-tapping away at the keyboard. Lights flash and the screen comes to life. Star systems appear and change, until an image of the Patrick Moore arrives on the screen. Fazool smiles. “Fazool…”

Nute hops up and down. “That’s it – that’s it!” Fazool turns a dial and a speaker under the screen crackles and buzzes. Faint human voices chatter across the airwaves. Fazool exchanges places with Thompus who takes the seat and looks at Nute, his face serious.

“Now the hard bit. I need you to connect my dome to the communications circuit.”

“Will it hurt?” She strokes her wires remembering her horrible experience of human experimentation from her childhood.

“It will hurt, but we have to try don’t we? I mean, I’m no hero but there is no other way to communicate with them. Is there? Once more unto the breach dear friends!”

Nute scrunches up her snout, pulls her screwdriver out from her utility belt and gets to work unscrewing the control panel.

Rose marches along the duct with purpose. She stands under an overhead air duct looking pleased with herself. The others follow. At the back Uphrasia stops and leans on the wall feeling dizzy. Konrad waits for him. “Are you alright buddy?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Just a little worn out I guess. He catches up with Konrad. On his back under his tunic is a large bulge; the leech is enjoying a good feast on his blood.

Konrad looks concerned. “Your snout is pretty pale.”

“I’m OK. Let’s get on with the mission.”

They make a stack with Rose and Konrad at the bottom and Uphrasia on top. He takes out his screwdriver and undoes the air vent cover. As he works on the last screw he pauses for a moment, his eyes close briefly and his head rocks back. Then he corrects himself, undoes the last screw and the vent cover falls with a clatter onto the floor. He pulls himself up into the duct and, bracing his feet on the ledge either side, pulls the others up one by one. The vent heads horizontally for a few metres then curves up abruptly. They gather at the base of the vertical section and look up. It rises up very high until all they can see is darkness. Rose purses her lips. “It’s going to be a tough climb folks. Are we all up for this?” They all nod. “OK. I’ll go first then you all follow.” She reaches up and grips the metal seam in the vent and starts to climb. The climb is as tough as Rose implied. They sweat and strain as they edge upwards a rat foot at a time. Rose reaches a horizontal cross junction and carries on. Uphrasia sweats profusely as he climbs past the junction. Then Konrad reaches it. Something lands on his snout. He wipes it off with his paw and looks at it. It’s blood. Uphrasia’s eyes droop and close. His nose is pale. Then he collapses and falls ricocheting off the sides of the duct down towards Konrad. “Konrad look out!” shouts Rose.

Uphrasia stops with a jolt in mid-air. Konrad’s left paw grips onto Uphrasia’s wrist. “Got you!” He heaves Uphrasia up and swings him into the horizontal junction where he lands on his chest, limp and lifeless. Konrad hops in closely followed by Rose.

“What’s this?” She pulls up his shirt and reveals the fat bloated leech attached to his back. “It’s some kind of parasite?”

The Tingoils tip tap along the duct. Rose starts to pull the leech off. A Tingoil’s hand stops her. Kazouri shakes his head and pushes her aside. Metnaz rummages in Rose’s rucksack and takes out a short length of rope. He ties it to the tail of the leech, then to a vent in the duct ceiling and hauls it up in the air. Then he and Kazouri start to wind the rope round the top of the leech, round and round moving down so that the blood is pumped back into Uphrasia’s body. The leach gets squeezed tighter and tighter by the rope and is soon completely wrapped up. Then the leech releases Uphrasia who flops down and groans.

Konrad turns him over and sits him up. “Uphrasia! Uphrasia!!

“Is it supper time?” He mumbles.

“That’s my rat!” Konrad rubs his back. “Come on, wake up buddy.”

Uphrasia opens his eyes. “Oh! I have the mother of all headaches!”

“Are you OK?”

“Yes I feel surprisingly good actually.” He stands up and stretches. “I feel like I could run a marathon right now!” He starts to jog on the spot and heads forward then falls flat on his face.

Konrad helps him up again. “Take it easy pal. Let’s climb that duct for now. You can run that marathon later.”

They all climb out into the vertical duct again and start to climb.

Thompus’ face is calm and serene as Fazool and Nute attach wires to his memory chip. Nute hops down while Fazool taps away on the console and the dome on Thompus’ head starts to glow. Beads of sweat start to pour down his face and his body starts to stiffen. The dome changes from a green glow to a red glow and Thompus starts to shake. “Ah…!”

The computer’s voice is dull and monotone. “Downloading salutations in all known languages.” Thompus’ teeth chatter and he shakes even more violently. “Downloading communication manual and commands.” The dome begins to flash red to yellow. “Download complete!” The dome fades and Thompus flops and slides off the chair onto the floor. Nute unplugs the wires and props him up. “Thompus? Are you still with us?”

Thompus groans and his eyelids open slowly. “Bonjour. Bueno Diaz. Subax wanaagsan!” He opens his eyes and grins. “Howdy!” Nute helps him to his feet and he climbs back up onto the chair. He flexes his fingers and starts to type away on the keyboard.

On the bridge of the Patrick Moore, the captain dozes in his chair, mumbling in a plaintive tone in his sleep, “No more ship’s biscuits, no more ship’s biscuits, please…”

The communications officer spins round from his console looking alarmed. “Captain! We are receiving a signal, from an alien craft!”

The captain splutters awake. “Alien craft! Put it on the main viewer!” The screen fizzes then an image of the Vandal comes into focus. “Alien life forms! So I finally make first contact! Me, Egglebert Villeroy! The first human to make contact with a species from outer space!” Then the screen fuzzes again and Thompus appears. “Rats! How disappointing!” Thompus waves and taps away on the keyboard. The captain stands up staring at the main viewer. “Are you getting that coms?”

“Yes sir, it’s coming through now.” The communications officer’s eyes widen and he turns slowly round. “Captain, this is incredible! It’s a warning that we are about to be destroyed by a deadly laser weapon on board that alien spacecraft. They recommend evasive action. What are your orders?”

The captain shrugs. “Obviously a trick. You can’t trust a rat! All they care about is stuffing their faces and stealing anything they can get their grubby little paws on. Tell him to get lost. I’m not being duped by a sneaky lying rat!”

On the Vandal’s bridge Bibulous sits at his console attempting to target the Patrick Moore on the main viewer with the green cross-hairs. “Hold still, infernal tin can!”

In a dimly lit corridor Rose squeezes through a vent backwards, wriggling her bottom out. She tugs Uphrasia after her and he slides out onto the floor and sits against the wall drooling and grinning. Konrad follows headfirst and gets jammed halfway out. Rose tugs him and he pops out.

“Ta!”

“Welcome.”

Uphrasia talks in a slurred voice. “Such a lovely afternoon for a stroll. The cherry blossoms look so lovely this time of year.” His eyes go wide. “Don’t smell the flowers! The flowers of forgetfulness!”

The corridor is clean and brightly lit with a line of lockers along one side. The Tingoils slide out of the duct and they all stand around Uphrasia looking down at him. “He’s out of his tiny mind,” Rose observes.

“He’ll be fine.” Konrad pulls him up onto his feet. “Uphrasia! The mission. Remember!?”

“Oh yes the mission. Must not forget the mission.” He points down along the corridor. “Is it that way? Come on Konrad lets save the universe!” He sets off down the corridor stumbling from side to side.

Carak and Spigot wake up on the cargo hold floor and look at the damage they have caused. “We better find the intruders! Carak hops up and helps Spigot to his feet. They go through the hatch in the far corner of the bay, climb the spiral staircase and race up the next two levels. They sneak along a corridor wall holding their laser pistols low. They arrive at a doorway and Spigot nods at Carak to go in while he continues along the corridor. Carak creeps past the line of tall lockers. The middle locker’s door is missing and Konrad is at the bottom of it. Uphrasia and Rose are stacked up on top of him with Kazouri and Metnaz on the very top hugging each other. Carak arrives at the locker but does not notice them as he walks past. Uphrasia whispers. “Bloated chump.”

Carak pauses, narrows his eyes and spins around looking left and right. There is nothing there. “Spigot was that you?”

Spigot answers from the corridor “Was what me?”

“Flatulent beach ball!” Uphrasia covers his mouth with his paw and giggles.

Spigot looks insulted. “How dare you Carak! I have great control of my wind!”

Carak looks surprised. “What are you talking about?” He turns and continues down the corridor.

“I’m talking about you! You blubber bundle of gyrating jelly!”

Carak becomes very angry and he turns round and aims his rifle.

“How dare you! I’m on the new slender-quack diet I’ll have you know!” “You stupid skinny matchstick!”

Spigot pokes his head round the doorway. “Who are you calling a skinny matchstick?!”

Carak fires a shot over Spigot’s head. “You!”

Spigot ducks and aims back. “No need to get personal! Bumblebee features!” Spigot fires three bolts of laser light at Carak’s feet making him hop about. The last bolt grazes Carak’s toe. “Right, you’ve had it, you fart factory!” Carak hops behind the locker and lets forth with his laser rifle and they exchange rapid fire at eachother. Then Carak grins. “OK Spigot! You win! Cease fire!”

Spigot narrows his eyes, his antenna lowers and covers his middle eye, there is a pop and the eye comes out and sits on the end of his antenna. He pokes the antenna round the edge of the door and looks left and right. “Only if you do first!”

They fire a barrage of shots off at each other again. In the locker Rose holds her paw over Uphrasia’s mouth to stop him from making matters worse. Bolts of light whizz past the locker and a few close shaves fizz and melt scars in the edge of the metal. Suddenly a speaker crackles and Bibulous’ voice booms. “All crew to the bridge! All crew to the bridge! Prepare to activate the Obliterator!” Carak and Spigot stop firing.

Carak’s eyes bulge. “Obliterator! That’s me!” They both dart off in opposite directions.

The rats and Tingoils hop down out of the locker and Uphrasia whistles. “Phew, that was fun!” Konrad tries to get out, but is stuck. Rose and Uphrasia pull his arms and he pops out.

“Thanks.”

“Welcome” They both say together.

In the cargo hold Tark and Gark both look at the smouldering mess of dripping molten metal on the wall opposite. “Should we mention this to Bibulous?” Tark asks.

“I think not. The mood he’s in today he might turn the Obliterator on us instead of the culprits.”

“Best say nothing then.”

“Yeah…”

They walk out through the hatch together.

“That’s the first time you’ve ever agreed with me!”

“I never agree with you! I just let you think that I do.” Gark grins.

The Vandal hurtles towards the Patrick Moore, then retro rockets blast and it slows down. All the Bilothians are back at their stations on the bridge. Carak and Spigot glare at each other. Bibulous operates his targeting station. His tongue hangs out of his mouth as he locks onto the Patrick Moore. “At last! Activate! Activate!!”

Carak looks confused. “The recycling? The ship’s entertainment system? We could do with a little music.” The others nod in agreement.

Bibulous looks at him and shakes his head. “Activate the Obliterator you floundering flotsam! The Obliterator!!” He turns back to his station, then has an afterthought. “Also the ship’s entertainment system, we could do with a little music after all.”

Mantovani?”

“No.”

Spigot interjects, “Bert Kaempfert!”

“No, no, no!”

Tark shouts out, “Roberto Mann!”

Gark thumps him on the arm. “Klaus Wunderlich! Klaus Wunderlich!”

Bibulous hops down from his chair and puts his hands on his head. “What do you people listen to? All those suggestions are awful. It’s like some kind of easy-listening nightmare! We listen to Gert Wilden or nothing!” They all moan and groan and Tark hits the play button and very cheesy music starts to play.

Bibulous rubs his hands together and climbs back up on his chair. “Good! Now activate the Obliterator!”

The outside hatch opens, the laser rises up out of the ship, glowing and buzzing, and the tip emits the regular zap, zap pulse.

Back on board the Patrick Moore, Coms’ voice is high-pitched. “Captain, the ship has stopped and it looks like they are charging their weapons.”

The Captain shrugs. “Send a message in all known languages. Get stuffed! Foolish rats. Do they really think they can trick me? Top of my year. Graduated with honours! Ha!” He presses his intercom button. “Kitchen! Where is my hot chocolate!?”

“Sending rude message captain.” Beads of sweat pour down Coms’ forehead. “In all known languages.”

Bibulous chews on a long, gooey, red-and-green-striped space ration that hangs down from a transparent dispenser above his console. He smiles his most evil smile as the message appears on his screen. He speaks with his mouth full. “Ha! Foolish humans. Charge the Obliterator!”

Carak pulls the lever, nodding. “Charging the obliterator!”

Bibulous makes his best effort at a kindly, merciful face. “Not too much! Just a teensy, weensy little bit. I want to play with them a bit before we blow them to smithereens!”

“Yes Captain!”

The laser throbs and glows on top of the ship and the transparent turret turns slowly until it points at the Patrick Moore. Bibulous spins round and round on his chair then grabs his console. “Ooh! I feel dizzy.” Then he screws up his face and grits his teeth. “Fire!”

The laser fires a short sequence of light bolts that dart through space and hit the Patrick Moore. The hull explodes in three places and one of the rocket thrusters blows up, blasting burning fuel out into space. The Patrick Moore’s bridge is rocked, consoles explode and people dive onto the floor. The Captain lets out a shrill scream. “Run away! Evasive protocol 438, fire all thrusters! Get me out of here!” The ship’s thrusters fire and the massive ship pulls away.

Bibulous dances around the bridge flapping his arms like a bird. “They are trying to escape! He, he! The fools are trying to escape! Charge the Obliterator again, half power. Take out their engines!”

Carak bobs up and down excitedly in his chair. “Yes, your grimness!” The laser starts to get brighter and brighter, humming and throbbing.

Bibulous hops up onto his chair and grabs the joystick, targeting the Patrick Moore again. “Fire all thrusters! Give chase! He, he...!”

The Patrick Moore starts to move away from the planet. The Vandal’s engines blast and it starts to increase in speed when they suddenly go out and the ship comes to a halt.

“What’s going on? Where are my engines?!”

Spigot taps a dial on his console then turns slowly around. “Captain the fuel pump is not functioning!”

“Tark! Gark! Go to the cargo bay and check on the fuel pump. Fix it! Go, go!” Tark and Gark run through the hatch, down the corridor and into the cargo bay. They both look at the hole in the back wall.

Gark puts his finger in the hole in his antenna. “What a mess!”

Tark slaps his hand down. “Cut that out, we have to fix it. Come on!”

Tark rolls a tool station on a trolley over to the hole. Gark pulls over a ladder and climbs up.

Tark pulls a lever switching off the fuel, he passes up a welder and Gark turns it on, lights the bright blue flame and starts to weld up the hole.

Uphrasia, Konrad and Rose, guided by the agitated Tingoils, reach the laser room and look up into the transparent turret at a tangled mess of coloured wires. Rose scratches her head. “There’s never been a more important moment to stack up guys!” Rose climbs up onto Uphrasia’s shoulders and Konrad climbs up on top of her. The Tingoils climb up Uphrasia and hang onto Rose to direct Konrad. They point at a thick orange wire and Konrad grabs it and tugs it down towards his mouth. Rose groans under his heavy weight. “Hurry up Konrad!” Konrad’s sharp front teeth gnaw away at the plastic insulation revealing the shining copper core.

The bridge of the Patrick Moore is total chaos. Coms swings round in his chair. “Captain! Another message from the rats!”

“Tell them we surrender!”

“No, sir. I believe they are trying to help us! The message reads ‘Attempting to disable weapon!’”

The bridge shakes again. The captain clings to his command chair. “Astonishing! Rats helping humans? It’s unthinkable! Well, send a reply.”

“What shall I send sir?”

“Help?!”

Scrod watches the Vandal crew at work from the air duct. He clenches his paws and his knuckles make a crunching sound. “Now, you despicable alien fiend, it’s time for a rat reckoning!”

Konrad points out a green wire. “This one?” The Tingoils shake their heads. He points at a bright yellow one. “This?” Again they shake their heads, then squeak and chirp as loud as they can, pointing at the blue cable.

Bibulous manoeuvres his joystick and the green targeting crosshairs on the viewing screen move around over the Patrick Moore again. Then the crosshairs fix on their target and change from green to red. “Got you! Prepare to be obliterated!” He looks over at Carak. “Well?”

Carak taps the fuel dial. “Still nothing captain.”

Gark finally finishes welding up the last part of the hole and Tark pulls the lever and the fuel starts to flow to the engines. There is a loud whirring sound, the Vandal’s rockets light up again and it pulls away and chases after the Patrick Moore.

Konrad wobbles and points to a pale blue cable. “What about this one?” The Tingoils get excited, nodding and chirping. “I guess this is the one then.” Konrad nibbles as fast as he can, exposing the wire. Then the Tingoils point at the orange cable. Konrad pulls the orange wire towards the blue one trying to make contact with the wire he has exposed, but they will not reach.

Uphrasia sweats under the strain. “I can’t hold your weight much longer, Konrad!”

Konrad pulls as hard as he can but the wires just will not meet. Rose starts to wobble and the rat stack moves from side to side. “Do something quick!”

Konrad looks at the orange cable, then the blue. They’re just a rat’s bite apart. He opens his mouth, bites down on both wires and closes his eyes.

Back on the bridge, the aliens hustle and bustle at their stations. “Fire, fire, fire!” Bibulous shrieks!

Carak hesitates. “It’s not fully charged yet, captain!”

“Fire! Useless nincompoop! That’s an order!”

Carak shrugs. “You’re the boss.” He presses the fire button.

Konrad’s hair stands on end. His body goes rigid and glows white. There is a loud zap, and he shakes and convulses.

The laser weapon glows for a short moment then fizzles out and the barrel droops down.

The stack collapses and Konrad lands lifeless on top of Rose.

On the bridge, there is a bright white flash. The weapon console explodes throwing the crew onto the floor. Bibulous stands up holding his head in his hands. “My Obliterator! What have you idiots done?!”

He is startled by a menacing voice behind him. “I think the blame lies elsewhere!” Bibulous spins round.

Scrod leaps up and knocks Bibulous to the floor. He punches him over and over as they roll around. Bibulous kicks Scrod in the stomach and sends him flying back. Scrod somersaults backwards, lands on his feet and steadies himself.

Bibulous huffs and puffs. “Foolish vermin! I will annihilate you!”

“Not this time. The reckless monster exterminator has arrived!” Scrod leaps onto Bibulous and bites his antenna.

“Argh!!! You fight dirty!”

“I’m a rat, go figure!” Scrod kicks Bibulous with both his hind legs and sends him crashing into the master console. There is a loud explosion and the panel bursts into flames.

A blast of rocket fire exits the engines and the Vandal starts to arc sideways towards the planet.

Bibulous charges at Scrod, who flips him over his shoulder and slams him onto the floor. Scrod pounces back on top of him and punches Bibulous over and over in the face. Bibulous flops down knocked out. Scrod rolls onto his back exhausted. “Ah! I’m way too old for this rough stuff!”

Konrad’s eyes are closed as Rose and Uphrasia drag him out into the corridor. Uphrasia shakes him by the shoulders. “Konrad wake up! Please don’t die, old friend. Not you!”

Rose stifles a tear. “He was so brave!”

Konrad smiles and opens one eye. Smoke rises from his ears. “I was brave? Like, I-deserve-a-medal brave?”

Uphrasia hops up and down and claps his paws. “He’s alive!”

Konrad opens his other eye and grins a wide grin. They help him up. Rose brushes him down. “Look at your fur!”

Konrad looks down. His fur is pure white and the tips glow with an iridescent fibre-optic light. “Wow! I’m lit up like a Christmas tree!” The Tingoils laugh and roll around on the floor clutching their stomachs.

In the cargo bay Gark’s hastily made repair starts to glow red, then there is a mighty boom! The kind of boom the Bilothians would have really enjoyed. The Vandal spirals round and round towards the planet with a trail of fire and smoke. The corridor rocks and shakes and tips to one side. They all slide along the floor and crash into the wall.

Uphrasia takes charge. “We’d better get to the bridge fast!”

The bridge of the Patrick Moore is in flames. Fire fighters blast the burning consoles with fire extinguishers. Engineers work manically, fixing damaged circuits. Coms helps the Captain who is on the floor hugging the base of his command chair. “Captain, we’re safe now. The alien vessel has stopped pursuing us!”

“They did it? I’m saved! I mean, we’re saved!”

On the Vandal, the rats run through the corridors in panic as an alarm pulses and a deep robotic voice announces “Warning! Entering planet atmosphere at incorrect angle. Destruction imminent!” They slide down a ladder and race through the flaming cargo bay. Thompus, Nute and Fazool exit the communications room and meet the others in the corridor.

Scrod is still on the bridge battling with the master console, trying to control the ship. The others hop in through the hatch. Nute looks at Bibulous’ body unconscious on the floor, then she grabs Uphrasia’s arm. “I don’t want to die! Do something Uphrasia!”

Konrad takes hold of her paw. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll figure something out!”

Carak comes round and tries to help. “I’ll re-route the fuel line, try to get power to the engines.” He desperately taps away at his console while Scrod wrestles with the command controls. The engines splutter then come to life. Carak punches the air. “Yes!” The ship is still spinning towards the planet. The engines roar and it weaves around and does a loop the loop. The rats hang on to the metal beams.

Scrod pulls hard on the joystick. “The control is inoperative. We’re caught in the planet’s gravity field. I’m sorry folks it’s too late. You’d better say your goodbyes.”

Tears well up in Nute’s eyes. “I didn’t want to be a space recruit. I wanted to be a dancer!”

Konrad takes both her paws in his. “You can still be a dancer!”

“Who wants to dance with a girl with wires in her head?”

Konrad pulls her in close. “It would be an honour to nibble on your wires. I think you are the finest rat I have ever met.” He takes her in his arms and hugs her tight.

Uphrasia shuffles about on his feet, embarrassed. “Well I never. Fancy that. What a turn up.”

Rose grabs him. “Come here, you fool!” She swings him round suspending him just above the floor and kisses him.

Thompus looks at Scrod and raises one eyebrow. “Some, Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.”

The robotic voice warns again. “Burn up in twenty seconds… nineteen… eighteen… seventeen…”

The ship bursts through the clouds and hurtles downwards, glowing in a halo of fire.

The Tingoils gather together and hold onto each other.

“Sixteen… fifteen… fourteen…”

Rose’s eyes widen and she hugs Uphrasia tightly. “This is it guys!”

“Thirteen… twelve… eleven…”

Uphrasia looks into Rose’s eyes. “I always liked you, right from the start.”

“Ten… nine…”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Eight…”

“I was a fool!”

“Seven…”

Thompus holds his cheeks, wide eyed. “Are we actually going to die, for real this time?!”

“Six… five… four…”

The ship starts to overheat, now completely enveloped in a curtain of fire with a tail of black smoke behind. Gark and Tark wake up and hold on to each other in a panic.

“Three…”

Suddenly the room jolts and they are all thrown to the floor. All is quiet. Konrad lies on his tummy with his eyes tightly closed. “Are we dead yet?!”

The Patrick Moore blasts through the clouds with its long robot arm holding onto the Vandal’s hull. The bright multi-coloured space anchor rises up in the sky above. The breaking rockets blast and the ship slows down.

Scrod looks up at the control console screen and the Patrick Moore appears through the clouds of smoke. “It’s the humans. They saved us!”

Uphrasia looks up at the big main viewer to see the ground still rushing up towards them. “Not yet! We’re still coming in too fast!”

“At this speed we will all be smashed to pieces!” Carak warns.

Then Bibulous stands up. “Wait!” Scrod readies himself for another battle. “I surrender! Come with me all of you. I can save us!”

The Patrick Moore strains and creaks as it slows down. The long arm starts to bend and buckle and a metal girder snaps! The land rises up fast, then the arm breaks and lets go of the Vandal. The little ship falls away from the Patrick Moore and heads towards the green meadows below. Bibulous leads them down a spiral staircase at the back end of the ship. He taps on a keypad and a door swishes open.

Nute looks up at Carak. “What’s in here?”

“I have no idea. This room has always been out of bounds for us!” They all enter the room and look on open-mouthed. The room is filled to the ceiling with huge white clumps of fluff.

Bibulous waves everyone in. “Quickly eat as much as to can, your bodies will be relaxed for the crash and the fluff will cushion the impact!” They all rush inside and he heads back and stands in the doorway.

Carak starts filling his mouth. “But what about you boss?!”

“Someone has to land this ship!” With that, Bibulous closes the door and heads back to the bridge. He straps himself into Carak’s seat, slams his hand on the rocket thruster button and grabs the joystick.

In the fluff store Scrod grabs a big pawful and holds it up to his mouth. “Well you heard the blob! Eat as much as you can, quickly!” The breaking rockets fire. The ship rocks and wobbles. The ground gets closer and closer. All rats, Tingoils and the Bilothian crew are all fast asleep on the mountain of fluff.

The ship’s computer starts to announce the coming crash. “Five thousand feet to impact…” Bibulous strains at the controls heaving back on the joystick! “Four thousand feet to impact...” He jams both his feet on the console, groans and strains! “Three thousand…” The rockets blast! The underside glows red hot. On the screen Bibulous sees a valley and he steers the ship through it between two rising cliffs towards a wide open lake. “Two thousand…”

Sweat pours off his forehead. “Argh...!” The ship swings from side to side and clips a rock smashing off one of the landing gear legs.

“One thousand…”

The ship darts down and crashes into the lake making a huge wake in its path. Then it is gone. The surface of the lake is once again still and all is quiet.

Then the water parts and the Vandal pops up to the surface. Water boils from the underside and steam rises up.

Apart from Bibulous they have all slept through the whole rescue. The Patrick Moore has towed the Vandal out of the lake and onto the shore. The human crew has carried Bibulous to their infirmary and repaired his broken leg and other injuries sustained in the crash.

After a few hours they all come round, yawn and stretch. Konrad scrabbles to his feet. “Are we all alive?! He runs about over the fluff mound shaking and checking on his shipmates. Then he arrives next to Thompus. “Phew-wee, what’s that stink?!”

Thompus looks down. “Sorry about that. I seriously thought it was the end.” He waves his paw over a steaming pile of rat poo.

They exit the fluff store and climb up the spiral stairs and out into the cargo hold. The hatch is already lowered so the rats and Tingoils exit followed by Carak and the alien crew. They walk out into the bright sunlight to find a large crowd of humans and rats waiting for them, including Bibulous sitting in a wheelchair with his leg in plaster. There is a huge cheer and a loud rapturous round of applause.

Nute touches Konrad’s arm gently. “Now we are saved, do you still want to nibble my wires?” Konrad smiles, takes one of her wires and nibbles the end of it. Nute clasps her paws and giggles.

Uphrasia puffs up his chest. “This truly is a momentous day for all ratkind!”

Rose stares at the humans and rats gathered together. “Is it possible, rats and humans, friends?”

They both look at Thompus, who shrugs. “I can’t think of anything negative to say at this point, except. Merrily, merrily shall I live now

Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.”

The two groups walk towards each other, greet and shake hands and paws. Some of them even try to hug, although there is a huge size difference between rats and humans, so in this case it’s more of a squeeze of a leg and a pat on the head.

The Bilothian crew rush over and hug Bibulous, who complains a lot. “Get off me! Stop that. Who kissed me? Pack it in!”

Uphrasia and Konrad both look very proud as they stand in a line next to General Scrod, Rose, Nute, Thompus and the three Tingoils. A large crowd gathers to watch as Captain Villeroy leans down and pins a shiny silver star onto Scrod’s uniform. “Congratulations, General. You are the first Intergalactic Sherriff! Someone to make sure we all keep in line with our brand-new way of living together!” Villeroy pins a medal on the breast pocket of Uphrasia’s uniform. “Uphrasia Teach, the medal of honour and a promotion to Captain! I am sure you will lead your team on many greater adventures!” Konrad’s lower lip quivers as he receives his medal. “Konrad Konstantin! Our new chief of sabotage and guardian of stores and supplies!” Konrad raises his snout proudly. I must thank you for the brave and daring sacrifice you made to save our ship from destruction!” Rose is next in line and she grins from ear to ear. “Rose! Many congratulations on your promotion to First Officer! You have already shown great resourcefulness and skill.” He then leans down and pins a medal on Nute’s white coat. “Nute, our new Chief of Scientific Developments! I think our own ship could do with a science officer of your calibre.” Then he pins a medal on Thompus’ tunic. “And you, sir, you have shown much bravery in the face of so many dangers! I award you the Medal for Bravery!” Thompus looks left and right, confused, surely he means someone else. Then it’s the turn of the Tingoils. “As for our new alien friends, I am pleased to announce that they have joined up with Space Corps and have granted Uphrasia Teach the role of captain of the Vandal!” Nute smiles with pride then puts her hand in her pocket and finds a small white envelope. She takes it out and reads the address on the front. Villeroy takes a step back and salutes them. “You brave few have shown us the way, unifying previously sworn enemies with a new way of living together for the betterment of both. A proud day for humans and for rats!” A great cheer goes up and all the other rats rush forward, lift the heroes up onto their shoulders and march them around singing their favourite song.

The celebrations went on well into the night, and a whole lot of that purple fruit was eaten. There may have been a small food fight here or there, but not a bad word was ever exchanged between human and rat, at least not on this planet.