Frontier Rats - Quest for Ratopia

Uphrasia, Konrad and Rose are heaving Thompus along the duct followed by Scout carrying all the equipment.

They hear a drowsy voice. “Is it lunchtime yet?”

Rose drops her heavy load on the ground. “What?! You’re awake?! We’ve been dragging your sorry carcass for hundreds of paws!”

Thompus rubs his behind. “Hey, I bruise easy!”

Uphrasia lets go too. “What happened to you?”

“When I last saw you guys I got caught in a rotten rat trap and those weird scientists did stuff to my brain.” He points at the dome on his head and the chip protruding out of it. “Food was great though! That’s what is so unfair about being experimented on by mad scientists. Great food, hideous torture. Great food, more hideous torture. Even more great food.”

“Yeah we get the picture,” Uphrasia interrupts.

Konrad tugs a breadcrumb out of his tummy fur and eats it. “He’s not wrong. I wish I had finished my sandwich. It’s way past lunchtime and I’m hungry. I don’t mind telling you, I could eat a fridge, a whole ham or a bunch of bananas or a grain barge, even a shed-load of rotten old potatoes no one wants! Even if they did want them, I would eat the potatoes and the shed.”

Uphrasia taps him on the shoulder. “Konrad?”

Konrad smiles up at him. “Was I doing that thing again?”

“Yes!”

“Sorry. I get carried away.”

“I know.”

Thompus’ eyes glaze over and he starts talking in a strange dopey tone. “I know where the store of ship’s biscuits is located.”

Konrad’s eyes bulge. “Ship’s biscuits!”

Uphrasia helps Thompus to his feet. “How do you know that?”

Thompus in the same dreamy monotone explains. “For some reason, I know a lot of information that I am not supposed to know. Star fields, ship’s schematics, crew health reports, a recipe for blueberry muffins and a picture of Professor Fenkle in lady’s lingerie. It fills me with a deep and unbearable gloom.”

Rose folds her arms and eyes him up and down suspiciously. “I don’t know. It all sounds a bit fishy to me.”

Thompus drones on. “There may be jam or marmalade. Yes, definitely jam.”

Konrad clasps his paws together. “Ship’s biscuits and jam! Oh it’s too much for any rat to resist! We have to go!”

Rose tries to usher them forward. “The mission guys. Stick to the mission.”

Konrad hops up and down. “We could grab a quick lunch, take Thompus back to Scrod by evening rations and get our medals. Let’s go! Ship’s biscuits, ship’s biscuits, ship’s biscuits, ship’s biscuits, ship’s biscuits, ship’s biscuits!”

Uphrasia shakes him by the shoulders. “Konrad!”

“Sorry.”

“Focus up.”

“I am fully focused on the next stage of our mission – if it involves ship’s biscuits!”

Rose puts her paws on her hips. “Guys, we should go straight back to General Scrod as per our orders! Report the location of the supplies so everyone can have a share.”

Thompus gets up and shuffles his feet along the duct. “It’s this way. Come along if you’re hungry.”

Uphrasia watches him go and frowns. “He’s acting a little odd, don’t you think?”

“I like him; he has his priorities right. Rat Way, remember?” Konrad marches off after him.

Rose gasps. “Yes, the great Rat Way – ‘Eat what you want, take what you want, sleep where you want’. Don’t you think it’s a bit outdated?”

Uphrasia looks offended. “It’s our way of life! Come on, let’s eat!”

They follow Thompus leaving Rose and Scout standing. “Guys, this is wrong! We should stick to our mission! Follow our orders!” Rose lets out a big huff, then follows. “Come on Scout we better stick together.”

The ship’s store is a small square room stacked to the ceiling with plain brown cardboard boxes – all of which have been torn open. A few empty marmalade and jam jars lay on their sides. Uphrasia, Konrad and Thompus lie on the floor surrounded by crumbs. Konrad groans and rubs his bulging tummy. “Oh, I couldn’t eat another thing.”

Rose stands in the doorway with her arms folded “Just as well. You’ve eaten the whole lot! What about all the other rats on this ship?”

Uphrasia rolls onto his back. “First come, first served. We followed the Rat Way to the letter.”

Scout sits in the corridor sketching out another map. “You’re wasting your time Rose. There’s no reasoning with them.”

“You are all so selfish!”

Uphrasia props himself up on one arm. “You suggest we go against our own nature, against the wisdom passed down by all the great minds of our kind?”

“Great minds! What great minds?”

“The poets and playwrights: Ratsworth, Rodentspear? All the great thinkers: Socraties, Ratstein.”

Konrad raises his paw, “Ratsputin?”

“Not a good example, Konrad.”

“Sorry.”

“Those are just human thinkers you have given rat names to. You are making it all up!” Rose boils over. “Ooh, I’ve had it with you lot!” She storms out of the room and along the corridor. “You’re so exasperating!”

“What’s eating her?” Thompus sighs.

“Certainly not ship’s biscuits.” Grins Konrad. “Such an unappreciated delight. It’s the complete lack of flavour that makes them so delicious.”

Uphrasia groans. “I think I’m going to throw up.” They all laugh.

Konrad farts. “Uh oh, ship’s air biscuit!”

Scout finishes his map, stands up and looks at them for a moment from the doorway. “You couldn’t have saved me a morsel?”

Thompus shrugs. “Sorry pal you should have kept up with us.”

Scout folds his map and heads off after Rose.

Two of the Cybormoggies walk along the corridor, their gears and motors whirring, red eyes glowing, scanning all around. They arrive at a door with a sign on it, “SHIP’S STORE, RESTRICTED”. The door is slightly ajar and light shines from within. The Cybormoggies leap into the room, the hatches on their heads pop open and tiny lasers rise up and dart around looking for a target. The room is empty except for empty jars, cardboard boxes and crumbs.

The three rats stumble along a metal air duct arm in arm supporting each other. “Rose sure is grumpy today,” remarks Uphrasia.

Thompus winks at Konrad. “I think that fancy rat fancies Uphrasia.”

“Get away! She does not. She hates me, clearly.”

“The lady doth protest too much!” Thompus shouts. “She is a woman, therefore may be woo’d;

“She is a woman, therefore may be won!”

Konrad licks his chest fur. “I hope we don’t get any more missions. I’m worn out.”

Uphrasia raises up his snout proudly. “We’ve done our duty. That’s it now. We ride the gravy train and no more volunteering, OK?”

“OK!” Konrad burps. “Unless a mission ends up like this one resulting in another great feast.”

“Not even if there is a possibility of a food reward. We have had our fill of danger and adventure. It’s back to collecting rat droppings from now on. OK?”

Konrad shrugs. “If you say so.”

There is a very large void under the ship’s cargo bay with long, white metal girders supporting the heavy cargo floor above. The area is full of rats socialising and playing games together. An old grey rat plays honky-tonk on a toy piano while Nute dances with an imaginary partner. Uphrasia and his friends hop out of an open vent. Konrad spots some rats playing. “Leap rat! I love that game; except it makes me hungry.”

“Sleep makes you hungry,” Uphrasia chuckles.

Drawn by the noise, a Cybormoggy heads along a duct towards the junction. Its right ear swivels left and right, filtering the noise to identify the individual sounds. It walks up to the end of the duct and peers through the grille, scanning the scene. On its internal view screen, it identifies the heat images of the rats. Each individual rat freezes on the screen and the flashing words identifying each one appear: “Rattus rattus”, “Rattus norvegicus”, “fancy rat” and “Zucker rat”. “Exterminate all vermin!” the robotic voice commands. The grille bursts open and the Cybormoggy leaps out, lands on the piano and fires laser bolts at random, zapping rats here and there. It zaps the pianist and he flops down under the piano. All the rats panic and run in different directions bumping into each other, scattering and darting into vents or hiding behind any cover they can find. The Cybormoggy jumps down and hops around firing at anything that moves. “Exterminate all vermin! Exterminate all vermin!”

Nute dives under the piano followed by Uphrasia, Konrad and Thompus. Nute grabs Uphrasia’s arm. “Try to distract it! There has to be a power switch to turn it off somewhere!”

“Distract, how?!”

“I don’t know but you have to do something!”

A laser bolt whizzes past the piano. Nute covers her wires with her paws. Uphrasia frowns and then an idea dawns and he wriggles backwards. “Konrad, can you still remember your dance moves?”

“I guess so. Why?”

“I have a crazy idea.”

The Cybormoggy scans the room with its red glowing eyes. Suddenly Konrad hops up onto the piano and starts tap dancing while Nute plays the piano, keeping her head low. The Cybormoggy spots Konrad and on its internal viewing screen tries to target him with a crosshair. Konrad keeps hopping about and tapping out a rhythm with his toes. “So much for no more danger then!”

Uphrasia creeps along behind the unconscious bodies and up behind the Cybormoggy. He steadies himself.

Konrad starts to sing.

“It’s tough at the bottom of the food chain, when every single day is do or die, and whenever you look up, all you see is someone’s butt, crapping down on you from on high!”

Uphrasia leaps up on to the back of the Cybormoggy and holds on tight to the layers of armour. The Cybormoggy stops firing, cranes its head around a hundred and eighty degrees and glares at Uphrasia with its creepy red-glowing eyes. Uphrasia leaps forward and throws his arms around the Cybormoggy’s neck. Nute and Thompus join in with Konrad, singing at the top of their lungs.

“Yes, it’s tough at the bottom of the food chain, when no one seems to care or wonder why. You’re bound to stink a bit, when you’re swimming round in Sh-oo-oo-wage.

The scorn of every single passer-by.”

Nute shrieks. “It’s working! Come on Uphrasia!”

The Cybormoggy flails its head around trying to shake Uphrasia off. It starts to buck like a bronco but he holds on tight. Then he slips and hangs under its neck. The laser fires, zap, zap, zap, missing Konrad’s head by a hair. Uphrasia spots the switch on the underside of the Cybormoggy’s chin. He reaches up but misses. Swinging left and right his back feet skitter on its chest. He reaches again and his fingertips brush the switch. A laser bolt hits the piano and Konrad leaps off. Konrad picks up a tennis ball and tosses it at the Cybormoggy and it bounces off its head. The head darts an angry look at him and the laser fires again and a bolt of white light just skims the tuft of hair on Konrad’s head, leaving a smoking trench. One more desperate reach and Uphrasia grips the switch with both paws and hangs there. The Cybormoggy jerks left then right and Uphrasia swings, hanging on desperately. He swings his hind legs up and around the Cybormoggy’s neck and heaves as hard as he can. There is a click and the switch flips down. Uphrasia’s paws slip and he falls and lands on his back. The Cybormoggy looks down at him, narrows its eyes and bows its head. The laser points directly at Uphrasia’s face and he closes his eyes expecting the worst. The Cybormoggy snaps its jaws three times right at the tip of Uphrasia’s snout, then it slowly tips forward and collapses on top of him.

The others rush over and Nute hops from one foot to the other. “He did it, he did it!”

A strained, muffled voice pleads from under the heavy machine. “Get this thing off of me!” They lift up the Cybormoggy and Thompus drags Uphrasia out by his arms. “Wow, that was dangerous even for a private in the Space Corps!” He pants and gets to his feet.

Nute takes a screwdriver out of her tool belt and unscrews a small hatch on the Cybormoggy’s chest. She pulls it open and reaches inside. “Some kind of cybernetic cat.” She pulls out a circuit board and inspects it. “Hmm. Elegant circuit work.” She tugs and pulls out the hard drive and waves it about in the air. “Can I keep this?”

Konrad kicks the Cybormoggy. “What a scary cat! Do you think there are any more like that?”

“Let’s hope not.” Uphrasia brushes his fur down. “This adventure is starting to get a little too hectic for my liking.”

After a long and boring briefing with General Scrod, both Uphrasia and Konrad get a well-earned rest in their quarters. Despite Uphrasia’s warning, Konrad gobbles down three tubes of Easy Squeezy Cheesy Peas, seven slices of toast with jam and three dried, smoked slugs. Konrad explains that due to the increase in missions he needs more energy stores. They lay down on their sleeping posts and close their eyes.

Konrad looks across at Uphrasia. “There can’t be any more missions now, can there?”

“Well if there are I doubt if our names will come up again.”

“Phew I’m glad to hear it.”

“Good night Konrad.”

“Good night Uphrasia.”

They close their eyes and fall asleep almost right away.