Frontier Rats - Quest for Ratopia

A cold wind rushes through the forest, rustling the long grass and swirling tiny snowflakes around. A fox trots through the trees then stops abruptly and listens, staring intently into the distance; careful, cautious, before moving on, sniffing the ground looking for a scent and then vanishing into the dark undergrowth.

General Scrod stands in a clearing next to a small fire with his arms folded and snout up high. Uphrasia and Konrad walk up to him wearing rucksacks sporting a shiny new Space Corps logo on their backs. They look at each other then back up at Scrod who does not move his head. “The jungle is a hazardous environment!” He looks down, narrowing his eyes. “One small error and it’s all over for you!” He opens his own rucksack, takes out two small pen-knives and gives them one each.

Konrad opens his and feels the blade edge. “Wow cool!”

“Against all the odds you have both graduated today.” He widens his eyes. “When I look at you young chaps I’m reminded of myself in my youth.” He sits down on the ground and they follow suit. “You see, I was just like you, a simple young rat trying to make my way in life. No one expected me to amount to anything, yet look at me now, a decorated general! Nothing is impossible if you try very hard!”

Uphrasia frowns. “How did you do it sir? How did you overcome your humble beginnings?”

“I had to train more and study harder than any other rat. That’s what it all boils down to lad, hard work!” They stare at him impressed. “Things were very different back then, we had harsher times with the great freeze and a serious lack of food. So we had to fight to survive. It was a struggle but we all made it through. Now off you go and find me something we can actually eat this time. You have two hours before darkness falls. Move out!”

They both march off and Scrod shouts after them. “Keep a look out for owls, foxes, badgers, bats, stoats, weasels, mink and buzzards.” Scrod’s voice fades as they move away up a steep slope. “Grass snakes, vipers, adders, dogs, cats, ferrets, funnel-web spiders, black widow spiders, oh and the false widow spider, they are very tricky to spot!”

They walk through the undergrowth looking left and right, straining their ears to listen for predators. As they crawl through a thick holly bush there is the sound of a twig cracking! They freeze on the spot not moving a muscle. The fox creeps past the bush sniffing the air close to them. The icy wind is blowing in their favour so she does not pick up their scent. She moves past the bush then trots away up the icy path. They both let out a deep breath then creep up to the edge of the bush and peep out. All is clear so they dart across the path. They reach the edge of the forest to see the vast vista of Grumthorpe lit up in the failing dusky light. Konrad stares at the city, the bright glittering lights reflected in his shiny black eyes. “Why do the humans hate us so much?”

“They’re afraid of us, now that we’re smart.”

“Because of Gorgonzola the Great?”

Uphrasia nods. “Because of Gorgonzola the Great.”

Konrad looks around his feet. “Suppose we better find something for General Scrod then.”

Uphrasia turns up one side of his mouth and winks a sly wink. “I don’t think so.”

“Not again. You’re not leaving me alone to face Scrod!”

“No of course not. However, I just might know a short cut to some great foraging. Although it might be a tad risky.”

Konrad looks puzzled. “Risky. How risky?”

A tall brick wall rises up before them and on the wire fence above a rusty sign warns “DANGER ELECTRIC FENCE 1000 VOLTS!” Uphrasia starts to climb up the wall and Konrad clasps his paws together in a panic. “But this is a human place, forbidden!”

Uphrasia pauses and cranes his head around. “Come on, I want to show you something!”

“OK but I am submitting a formal protest right now, OK?” Konrad follows him up to the top of the wall and they look through the wire fence at a gigantic flood-lit garden filled with neat lines of crops. Carrots, cabbages, onions, turnips and beetroot sit on the soft brown soil and tall sweetcorn waves in the breeze. Giant pumpkins and climbing cucumbers weave around the fence and neatly pruned fruit trees stand against the far wall. At the back of the garden is a long greenhouse containing winter salads, tomatoes and luscious fat watermelons. Along the centre of the garden are rows of purple sprouting broccoli, cauliflowers and broad beans.

Uphrasia grabs the fence with both paws and shakes violently. “Ah!!!”

Konrad’s hair stands on end. “Uphrasia!”

Uphrasia lets go and laughs, holding his belly.

Konrad looks very cross. “You, swine! That wasn’t funny!”

“Oh boy, I really had you that time! Ha! Your face!”

Konrad rolls his eyes impatiently. “What is this place?”

“It’s where the humans grow their food, there’s bound to be a ton of slugs here.”

“Are you sure it’s safe.”

“Nope. Come on!”

They look left and right, then climb up the fence over the top and down the other side, dropping down onto the ground. Konrad whispers as they creep along the line of carrots. “How do you know about this?”

“My father used to come here. He’d bring us food back. Kept us alive during the long winters.”

“It’s warm here.”

“The lights keep the crops growing all year round.”

“We should tell everyone. They should all know about this food source. Just think, no more crispy fried worms.” Konrad stops in his tracks, his eyes wide. “No more slug rationing!”

Uphrasia raises his paws, palms down. “No! You know the law. If we admit we came here…”

“We’d be punished for treason, banished, outcasts! They would torture us first to get the truth, then the iron maiden, the rack, hung drawn and quartered!”

“Well, they would certainly be very cross with us. Remember what you said? How saying nothing is not lying? If we just keep this between ourselves...”

“Then we’re not lying.” Konrad looks around the garden and Uphrasia heads off, leaving Konrad talking to himself staring up at a tall sweetcorn. “But that was just my advice. I mean, I didn’t expect you to take any notice. I was just trying to help in a bad situation. I wouldn’t listen to anything I say, after all look at the humongous catastrophes I get us into if left on my own. You have to admit I…” He looks down realising he’s alone, looks left, then right and races off. “Uphrasia wait for me!”

Konrad wanders along a line of runner beans, grabbing armfuls of fat, ripe beans. He pulls up a carrot and then an onion. He stops suddenly, staring down into a ditch. Then he drops all he is carrying and his bottom jaw drops.

Uphrasia appears behind him. “What is it?”

Konrad stares at him with a look of amazement and in a low, husky voice says, “It’s the slug motherlode!”

At the bottom of the ditch burried in the ground is a large plastic bowl containing twelve fat slugs floating in a pool of brown beer. They both climb down and poke their heads into the bowl and take a sip of beer. Konrad licks his lips. “Yummy! Let’s take some back to Scrod.”

Uphrasia stands up straight and folds his arms and frowns. “No!”

“Huh?”

Uphrasia grins. “Let’s take all of them!”

“Now you’re talking!”

They hobble along through the garden carrying the bowl between them. Uphrasia spots a mangy, skinny, tabby cat lying on a compost bin bathing in the heat of the flood lights. “Konrad, a cat, keep low.” He whispers and they both duck down and creep past the compost bin. The cat rolls on its back, stretches and yawns, then curls up again and continues to doze. Konrad sweats and struggles to keep a grip on the bowl. The cat opens its eyes, scowls and sniffs twice. There is something familiar on the air. It stretches its legs then jumps down onto the ground. Uphrasia and Konrad carry the heavy load up to the edge of a deep winding brook that runs the full length of the garden and exits under a tall wire fence. They pause for a rest. Konrad pokes his nose into the bowl and takes a long sniff. “Core, smells pretty boozy. Remember that time we drank that miniature bottle of whisky? What a night that was!”

Uphrasia stares up at something behind Konrad. “Uh hum.”

“Boy we had rotten hangovers the next morning!”

“Uh hum!”

“You got your head stuck in that toilet roll tube, what a giggle! How we laughed at you.”

“Uh hum!!”

Konrad stops talking and frowns. “The cat’s behind me, isn’t it?”

Uphrasia talks without moving his lips, “Don’t make any sudden moves.”

The cat’s nose moves right up to Konrad’s left ear and sniffs. Konrad swallows and makes a loud gulp. The cat hisses!

“When I shout ‘now’, leap into the stream, and keep hold of the bowl,” Uphrasia whispers. Then he leans down very slowly and picks up a stone. Using his thumb and forefinger he flicks it into a line of runner beans where it clatters off the bamboo canes. The cat’s head darts left towards the sound. “Now!” They both leap off the bank and splash into the water holding tightly onto the bowl. The cat swipes a claw after Konrad just missing his head, then loses its balance and slides down the river bank after him. It claws at the roots and mud then falls into the stream with a big splash.

Konrad goes under the water then pops back up. Choking and spluttering, he grabs the edge of the bowl and hangs on. The cat meows and claws, thrashing right behind him. “It’s swimming after me!”

“Cats can’t swim!”

“Then it’s drowning after me! Help!”

The cat catches Konrad’s tail, clamping its sharp teeth onto the end of it. “Ouch!” Konrad wails. The cat paddles desperately with its paws tugging at Konrad’s tail. They duck under the water as they pass beneath the fence, the bowl just scraping under the wire. The cat hits the fence and clings on, letting out a low angry growl! Konrad stops with a jolt and lets go of the bowl and Uphrasia floats away. The cat pulls hard on his tail. “Ouch! Uphrasia I’m done for!” he shouts as he is slowly dragged back towards the cat’s jaws. The cat pulls hard and tugs and tugs and Konrad’s tail stretches. Then there is a loud snap! The end of Konrad’s tail breaks off and he floats off downstream. Konrad looks back over his shoulder at the soaking moggy holding on to the fence with the little tail tip still in its teeth. “Phew!” The cat scowls at him then chews the tail and swallows. Konrad swims over to a low sandy shore where Uphrasia is waiting. They drag the bowl out of the stream and shake the water off their fur.

“Are you OK?”

Konrad looks at the sore end of his tail, revealing raw, red flesh and bone. “I guess so.” He flops onto his back, puffing. “Wow! That was too close for comfort!”

“And to think my father foraged here every week! Come on, let’s get back to camp and dry off by the fire.”

Konrad scrambles to his feet and picks up his side of the bowl. “That cat must have got plenty of exercise.”