Desire for you- ALPHA RYAN Book 1

Jumping into the depths-just before the suicide attempt

CATHERINE

"What's going on? There's a demon in my room claiming that I'm his mate, that's what's going on! All of you, all of you are driving me crazy. I can't take any more of this."

I had to leave. I couldn't help it. The barrel was leaking and it was all too much for me.

I stormed out into the open and a cold breeze came towards me. I looked right and left. The chances of finding Ryan and finding familiar comfort and the right words in him was technically completely impossible. God knows where that demon had shipped him. Rose and Daeva were fighting in my head for power over me.

Rose pulled the ripcord and I began to transform. I was in my full wolf form and ran into the deep woods of this place.

'YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR FATE CATHERINE!' Daeva's words echoed in my head over and over again. I felt like I was on a heroin trip.

'Keep running... That's the only thing you can do, Catherine... Run away. When have you ever been able to do anything right? Face up to your problems. You were imprisoned for a year because you couldn't lift your head up. YOU HAD ME! YOU NEVER WANTED TO ACCEPT ME! This is your receipt for your stupidities.... Catherine.'

I couldn't stand Daeva any longer. Her words hit me like fiery darts.

I didn't want to respond to them. I was in the middle of an emotional chaos and didn't know what to do with this whole situation. Ryan was gone, then there was a demon who turned out to be my companion, but I had no interest in him.

'Ryan... Ryan has already let you down... You're still holding on to that fool. He was incapable of giving you a happy life. What do you think? Do you seriously think he's going to change? He hasn't changed yet.

Baby... Ilay is in a different league. He will roll out the red carpet for you and treat you like the queen you deserve to be. You'd be the luckiest woman in the world. Imagine that: Being happy! The madness! You don't seem to know the definition of happiness. You think that Ryan pays you few compliments and gives you everything. It's a show he's putting on. Think about the words your own father said to you.

He's disappointed in you, Catherine...'

'I don't give a shit about you and Alexander. We don't need you. We didn't need you in our worst times and we can just as well shit on it now. Do you understand that, Daeva? And that asshole you describe as a companion, we don't need him either. He was so cheeky and pretended to be Ryan, what do you think of a guy like that? He can take his red carpet and shove it somewhere else, just to be clear.' Rose countered, visibly angry.

'HahahahaHAAA' laughed Daeva 'Rose... Rose, damn it. Open your eyes. By constantly trying to get your stubborn way every time, you're dragging Catherine to her doom! Are you really that blind or are you just afraid of competition? Are you afraid I'll take Catherine away from you? Because if that's what you think, then you're wrong. I'm Catherine all over again and I'm a part of her. When will that go into your heads?

'You a part of Catherine? If you were a part of Catherine, you wouldn't be terrorizing her like you are right now. Stay where the pepper grows and leave us alone.

'Leave you alone? You sent for me, Catherine sent for me. I suggest, Rose, that you just stay out of this matter. This is between me and Catherine and you have no say in it.'

I had already arrived at the cliffs and was pacing back and forth. I looked briefly at the waterfall and saw the water flowing down.

'On the contrary, you're the one who has no say. I'll rip your guts out,' Rose growled at Daeva.

I turned because I couldn't take it any longer. At home there had been terror with my mother and here I had Rose and Daeva fighting like two toddlers.

"SHUT UP!" I shouted at them both and had to pause for a moment. I felt a pain in my chest that I couldn't describe. The pain was so big... So bad... It was as if I was feeling nothing and yet dying inside at the same time.

No, not this time. I wouldn't turn off my emotions again just so I could go on a rampage in the neighborhood. Never again.

I felt betrayed, deceived and abandoned... I was alone, on my own. What else could be so good to convince me to keep going?

I looked into the distance, the deep waters... the waves that kept crashing against the rocks. What if I could just be free in a different way? What if death, for Arnor and James, was the ticket to freedom. I had redeemed them... Even if it was in a cruel way... They were free. I could be just as free? It wouldn't take long... It would be a few seconds of pain that I would have and I would be free...

I no longer heard the words in my head coming from Daeva and Rose. I had blocked them out and there was only the sound of the water and me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I ran back, just to make sure I had enough of a running start to plummet down. I actually did... the plunge into the depths.

I fell deeper and deeper and felt like a free bird. So free... So light, even though there was a massive fear in my chest, it was cathartic.

The impact with the surface of the water caused a whole burning sensation in my body and not seconds later I was caught by the waves and thrown hard against a rock. The impact was so hard that I felt nothing. My vision became increasingly blurred and my lungs filled with water so that I could no longer breathe. The only thing I could see was a hand trying to reach for me and I didn't bother to grab it.

The pain of my feelings was worse than the physical pain I was now feeling. I couldn't go on and I didn't want to. I was at the end of my tether and my mind was screaming for release. I didn't care about anything at that moment...

I sank deeper and deeper and didn't notice anything anymore.

That would be the end of Catherine... Alone, desperate and broken...

I no longer felt anything. No pain, no Daeva, no rose, no bond that bound me to anything. Nothing. Was this the freedom I longed for so much?

My surroundings were completely white and there was no one around. No one who could hurt me.

However, clearing my throat confirmed that it wasn't quite like that. Apparently, I wasn't as alone as I thought.

I turned around and caught sight of a man. He looked at me and came closer and closer to me as I took two steps back. "What do you want from me?" I croaked and had to swallow hard. He was tall and broad, his black robe made him look dangerous and his face was rigid and masculine.

"My name is Azrael, I am the Angel of Death. I have come to collect your soul and accompany you to the realm of the dead."

"What you have done is a mortal sin Catherine... What you have done, you have done against the will of the Moon Goddess. Do you know what happens to people like you? If only you had held out a little longer..." he finally said almost desperately and looked at me with a sad face.

I had to swallow and looked down at the ground: "What awaits me can't be worse than what happened to me. I saw no way out..." I whispered softly and wrapped my arms around myself.

"I can see and feel your pain, Catherine... I know you haven't had it easy, but believe me when I tell you that what awaits you, the wrath of the Moon Goddess is even worse than anything you've known....

I am here to give you your last way out of this situation. However, this can only work if you agree with me and are ready to re-enter the real world..."

I had to swallow hard at his words. Was I ready to be helped, was I ready to be confronted with the harsh reality again? One option was worse than the other, and I had to choose between hell and hell on earth.

"Let me show you what your loved ones are going through... You broke their hearts, Catherine." Azrael said, holding out his hand to me.

I bit my lower lip and shook my head "I-I don't want to see it..." I said softly, taking another step back from Azrael.

"Anyone who tries to commit suicide is bound to see the damage they've left behind. Now give me your hand." He finally demanded, looking at me seriously again.

I had no other choice. I offered him my hand and he took it. Less than two seconds later, I was in the normal world. No, this couldn't be the normal world. I was in a palace and caught sight of Ryan... He was going completely crazy and was about to maul a woman. He felt such pain and demanded to be freed to get to me.... I took a step towards him "I-I'm here.... Ryan, can you hear me?" I asked desperately, trying to grab his arm.

"He can't see you, love..." said Azrael.

"That's not all." He led me to the next station. We were in the pack house and I caught sight of my mother, who was on the verge of going insane.

"CATHERINE!" She screamed desperately and cried. She was sitting on the floor, surrounded by Maya, Tristan, Michael and even Kilian had arrived. Kilian tried to pull her into his arms. "SHE'S DEAD!" My mother screamed, crying her heart out. "She can't be dead, calm down, Chiara... I'm sure it'll sort itself out..." said Kilian, trying to respond to her. "No Kilian! Understand, she's dead! I can't feel the connection to her anymore..." she broke down again. Maya, Tristan and Michael stood around her at a loss, not knowing what to say or, rather, what to believe.

It brought tears to my eyes to see my mother like this... Even though she hasn't been around recently, there were also good times when she always stood by me. Her love for me had always been great.

Azrael gave me a disappointed look "And there's more..." he croaked out quietly and we were on land. Ilay tried to revive me. He did everything he could to get me back.

"CATHERINE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME NOW!" Ilay shouted at my lifeless body. "No... NO!" He screamed again and pulled me into his arms. Tears ran down his face, which was contorted with pain.

"That's what you've done, Catherine... These people are crying for you. This is your family. Even Ilay, who only just met you. He cries for you like a child, Catherine... Do you see now what you've done?" Azrael gave me a disappointed look and let go of me. The surroundings disappeared and we were back in the void.

"You have a choice now, Catherine. Know that this is an opportunity from the Moon Goddess and know that she has more in store for you. You need to have a little patience with yourself and everything.

Now it's up to you what you want to make of this situation. You don't have much time left. I will be back, Catherine, and I will need an answer." Azrael vanished into thin air and now I was truly alone.

I collapsed to the floor and had to cry. Nothing made sense... I was cursed to drown in sorrow and despair.

Everyone around me was suffering because of me...