Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

Walking down the unfamiliar streets, Julianne messaged me to tell me where to meet. It was about a ten-minute walk. I thought about waiting for a cab, but the street was so busy I didn’t stand a chance. Not a little newbie like me who didn’t even know how to hail a cab.

Back home in England we called for a taxi and the taxi office sent a car to your address, or you had Uber.

Did they have Uber in New York?

I needed one of those books; ‘New York Tourist Guide for Dummies’.

I was clueless.

I followed my map app on my phone, following the blue line that lighted up my route. I wasn’t too far now. I was so anxious, but also excited. I couldn’t wait to start my new job and get stuck in. It would stop my lonely mind from wandering and making up fake scenarios in my head like it always did.

I stopped outside the small café, ‘Stop the World’ and smiled.

Placing my phone inside my bag I took a deep breath and pushed the door, a small bell chiming above my head. My eyes scoured the room, I had no clue what this Julianne looked like, but I’m sure she would see me… right?

Knotting my fingers together I smiled awkwardly at the hostess that walked towards me.

“Can I help you?”

“Erm, I’m looking for someone called Julianne?” my voice was low, I could feel it trembling. The hostess looked at me as if I had spoken in another language.

“Reese!” I heard a female voice call. Turning my head to the left I saw a petite woman waving her arm in the air. I blushed, pointing to Julianne muttering nonsense to myself as I walked towards her.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you!” her French accent thick as she wrapped her arms around me.

I felt awkward. I wasn’t really a hugger.

“You too,” I smiled as I pulled from her embrace and sat down at the small table. She joined me but not before getting one of the waitress’ attention and spinning her finger over the table.

“Coffee, okay?” she asked.

I nodded. I didn’t want to tell her I preferred tea, I thought it would come across rude.

“Perfect.”

We sat silently for a moment until the coffees were in front of us.

“So firstly, welcome to the big apple! I have lived here for about five years, originally from Paris, hence the accent. We have an office over there, but I got offered a promotion and I couldn’t turn down the money,” I saw a small smile play on her lips. Her honey eyes glistened, her black ringlet hair sat neatly at her jaw and her cheek bones were chiselled and a prominent feature on her flawless face.

“Have you ever been to Paris?” she asked as she bought her cup to her lips and took a mouthful of her coffee.

I shook my head, wrapping my own fingers around my cup and mirroring her move. Wetting my lips as I placed the cup back on the table. Wow, it was bitter.

“Never left England until now.” I admit shyly.

I saw her eyes widen, “You’ll have to come to Paris with me someday, it truly is beautiful.” She chimed. “I’m not very well travelled either… My mother is from Paris, my father Jamaica. They split when I was younger, I used to go to Jamaica every school holiday,” she shrugs, “but now it’s once a year if I am lucky…” her smile slipped for a moment, her eyes falling to her cup as her fingertips drummed against the china cup.

“Have you been there this year?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

“Not yet, I am hoping to get over there before Christmas.”

“I bet you can’t wait.” I smiled at her now.

“I can’t.”

Silence fell over us for a moment. She took another mouthful of her coffee before reaching down into her bag and pulling out a pile of paperwork.

“Okay, now to the boring bit… updated contracts.” She smirked, “And I just want to say, I have got to say that Lordes Public Relations have had their eye on you for a while. We are all really excited to have you join the team.”

“I am excited to be here.”

It was the truth, but I was also terrified.

After the longest coffee date in the world, everything was signed and finalised. I was to meet her here on Monday and then she will take me to the offices to meet my team.

I felt out of depth, but I knew I could do this.

I had worked hard to get here, and I wasn’t going to give up now. Was I ready to work with brats and people who don’t like listening to you? Not really.

But I had to start somewhere.

Not all clients were bad, just the selected few so it wasn’t very fair of me to tar them all with the same brush.

I was back in the hotel room and after a cool shower to wash the sweaty city off me, I flopped down onto my bed. I could really do without going out tonight, but I felt rude on Connie. She had been kind enough to invite me out so I couldn’t turn her down.

I had no clue what to wear, I didn’t even know where we were going.

All I wanted to do was call Elijah. I missed him so much.

Reaching across for my phone I unlocked it and called his number, the pain in my heart never eases when I do this. And for a moment, I think he is going to answer. I debate cancelling the call because the pain is unbearable. But then I hear his voice.

Hey, it’s Elijah. You missed me, leave a message and I’ll call you back!

My eyes well as my throat tightened. Cutting the phone off I dropped it into the duvet as I felt the familiar sting behind my eyes.

Don’t cry.

Palming my eyes before the tears could escape, I sat up on the edge of the bed and closed my eyes to try and calm my breathing.

Deep breaths Reese. Deep breaths.

I didn’t lay moping for long, I had to get up and get dressed. I needed to be ready for six-thirty when Connie finished her shift. I felt like I could literally climb into bed and sleep until tomorrow morning. That’s how exhausted I was feeling. I didn’t even go down to the restaurant for dinner, I ordered junk food from room service and ate the entire thing within minutes. I binged a few episodes of Friends before pulling myself from the bed to shower. Padding towards my wardrobe, I scanned the clothes hanging up. Did I go smart casual with a pair of skinny jeans and a nice top? Or did I wear a dress and heels and go overboard? I much preferred wearing jeans and boots, or jeans and trainers. I have always been more of a tomboy, but I did own two dresses. I felt myself getting worked up over the night and it hadn’t even started yet. I couldn’t even remember the last time I went out; I was a bit of a hermit and a loner and much preferred staying home and curling up with a film or one of my smutty romance novels. But I have been so much worse since Elijah died.

I like my own company and I am okay with that.

Stepping back from the wardrobe, I looked from left to right, from right to left. Closing my eyes for a moment, I held my hand out, curled my fingers and pointed my index finger straight. Moving it side to side, I counted to five and stopped. My eyes pinged open and I saw it had landed on a black mini dress.

Shoot.

Sighing and rolling my eyes, I let the doubt and anxious thoughts slip out of my mind as I hastily grabbed the dress before I could talk myself out of it. Dropping the hotel dressing gown to the floor, I slipped the dress up my smooth legs and pulled the thin straps over my shoulders. One good thing about having a small frame was I had small boobs too. I never had to wear a bra if I didn’t want too.

Running my fingers through the end of my knotty blonde hair, I loosened the waves that were set from this morning. Applying a small amount of concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes that I had become accustomed too. I struggle with sleep, and when I do sleep I feel like the same scenario plays over and over in my head.

Giving myself a curt nod, I stepped back and slipped my feet into my high top all white converse. I wasn’t feeling the heels. I stepped back over to the wardrobe and grabbed my tatty cropped leather jacket and pulled it over my shoulders. Not that I needed a coat, the air would still be sticky and humid, but it was more to cover myself up. To keep me hidden and out of anyone’s sight. Skipping over to the bed, I grabbed my phone and looked at the time. It had just gone six-twenty-five. Time to go.

Spritzing myself with a light spray of my Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet, I grabbed my clutch before throwing my debit card, a few stray dollars, my room card and my phone inside of it.

I don’t even know why I take my phone. I don’t hear from anyone. I just sit quietly scrolling through people’s perfect lives on social media.

But anyone can hide behind a screen and show the world just how happy they are, right? This world is full of pretence. Full of people putting on a show for the outside world to see. People saw these fake lives and craved it. But it wasn’t real. It was just pretend.

Like the fairy tales and the happily ever after you were promised as a child.

They weren’t true. Prince Charming wasn’t coming to save you.

Snapping myself out of my thoughts, I headed for the door and slammed it behind me. I walked cautiously down the long corridor as I stepped towards the lift. The hotel was quiet for a Friday night, or was it because it was early? I had no clue.

The doors pinged open; smiling I walked forward into the lift and spun round. My heart was beating erratically, my blood thumping through my veins. My mum’s words echoed in my mind, I didn’t know Connie. Could she really be that nice that she wanted to invite me out and be my friend?

Oh my god. Reese.

I internally cursed myself.

Of course, she could have. Get your mother’s words out of your mind. The lift came to a halt, the light indicating that we were on the ground floor. Inhaling deeply, I stepped out onto the hard floor and walked towards the lobby, my eyes searching for Connie. I looked around the beautiful, large space but couldn’t see her.

Have I been stood up? Was it a joke? Take pity on the poor English girl. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks as my blush crept across my face. It’s fine. I could style it out, act as if I had forgotten something and go back to my room. Unzipping my bag, I began to fumble around as if I was looking for something, turning on my heel as I did and started making my way back towards the lift lobby.

“Reese!” I heard Connie call out. My head snapped up as I looked over my shoulder to see her bouncing towards me. She was wearing a tight, mini red bandeau dress with black and white converse. I scoffed. I liked her style.

“Hey!” I called out, pulling my hand from my bag, and doing the zip up quickly.

“You look beautiful.” She smiled as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

“As do you,” I smiled back at her even though inside I felt awkward as fuck.

“You ready?” she chirped as her fingers laced through mine, dragging me through the lobby.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” A nervous laugh bubbled out of me.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Let me show you the hot spots of upstate New York. Prepare to be dazzled Reese!” The smile on her face was so big and infectious that I felt my own smile grow as bubbles of excitement popped in my belly. I needed a good night out and I had a feeling that Connie was the right girl for it.

My brows furrowed in confusion when we walked into one of the hotels bars, The Palm Court.

“Don’t worry, just the start of the night – plus the guys in here all come down from Wall Street.” She smiles sweetly looking over her shoulder at me as my steps falter.

Elijah.

“Big money. I aim for us not having to spend a cent tonight,” she winks.

My heart races, my palms sweaty as I hear the air whoosh out of my lungs.

“Reese?” I hear the concern on Connie’s voice when she stops and turns to face me.

“I’m fine,” I gasp, trying to shake the grief away for a moment.

I see the look of worry on her face, her eyes volleying between mine as she waits for me to explain.

But I can’t.

How do you explain the explosion of grief that consumes you every hour of every day?

Pulling my hand from hers, I shake my head softly and walk towards the bar. I needed a drink, anything to numb the pain if even for a moment.

We sat by the window and watched as the bar continued to fill with people.

“Wow it does get busy in here doesn’t it!” I shout over the loud chatter from a table of men behind us.

She nods, smiling as she takes a sip of her red coloured cocktail.

I chose a wine, easy and simple.

“Do you come out every weekend?” I ask as I take my own mouthful.

“Most,” sitting back into the booth she swirls her straw round, “but it’s hard with shift work and my friends work at the hotel too so it’s rare we all get off at the same time. Alex might meet us after his shift, but who knows. He can be flaky,” she beams.

“That sounds good. Be nice to make some more friends if he does come.” I shrug my shoulders up as if it isn’t a big deal, but in reality, it’s a really big deal.

“So, Reese, tell me about you.” She leans forward, her elbows resting on the table.

Just as I was about to open my mouth a couple of the guys behind us wrapped their arms over the top of the booth and turned to face us.

“Ladies,” the twang of his American accent made my tummy flip.

“Hi,” Connie said in a high voice, turning the top half of her body to face the guys. I stayed where I was. My head dipped but lifting my eyes to look at the men.

One had copper hair, emerald, green eyes, and a jaw that was sharp and chiselled. He looked like he had walked straight out of a magazine. The other guy had blonde hair, blue eyes and glorious tanned skin.

“What are you beautiful ladies up to tonight?” The copper haired man asked Connie.

“Oh you know, having a few drinks, we may go dancing… get some food… see how we feel.” Her head snapped round to smile at me. A small smile danced across my lips. I couldn’t work out if it was forced or real. I found it really heard to decipher between the two lately.

“What about you handsome?” I watched as Connie flirted effortlessly. I felt the skin under my cheeks begin to glow as the blonde-haired God’s eyes were pinned to me.

“Not sure yet, having a few drinks, we may go dancing… get some food… suppose we will just see how we feel.” He winked, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he pulled at it softly.

“Sounds like a sturdy plan,” Connie laughed, “maybe we will see you later?” I couldn’t work out if she was asking or telling this guy.

“I’ll bet on it.” He winked again, pulling his business card out and passing it to Connie.

The air crackled between the both of them for a moment before the copper haired guys friend swooped in.

“Would you ladies like another drink?” he asked, but his eyes and attention were pinned on me.

“We would love another drink.” Connie beamed, pulling her straw out of her glass and knocking her drink back.

“Woohoo for me, a glass of sauvignon for Reese.”

“Reese,” the blonde-haired God tested my name out on his tongue, his accent and how velvety his voice sounded covered my skin in goosebumps.

I blushed again.

Get a grip woman.

“Do you still want wine? Or would you like something else?” he asked softly as he slid out of the booth behind us and stood at the end of the table.

“Wine is fine, please,” I mutter, managing to find my voice.

His eyes widened slightly, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“You’re English?” he seemed surprised.

I nodded.

“Oh, Colt here loves an English girl, don’t you buddy?” The copper haired guy bellowed as he stood behind Colt and squeezed his shoulders over his suit jacket.

I watched as Colt rolled his eyes and shrugged his friend’s hands off him.

“Excuse us, I’ll be back with your drink.” He turns and walks toward the bar, his friend following him.

Connie looks at his card before flipping it between her fingers.

“Kieran.” She smiles before turning it over again. “Always good to have a backup for us to find if the night dries up.” She winks before putting it in her bag.

“Do you do this all the time? Pick guys up?” my tone came across abrupt, I didn’t mean for it too.

“Most of the time yeah, I’m single. I’m young. I am always careful, no harm in a bit of fun is there. I don’t want to settle down anytime soon,” she shrugs her shoulders up, her eyes burning into mine.

“I get it.” I smile at her.

“What about you? Is this the norm for you?” she leant across the table. Her fingers linked together as her hands rested on the surface.

“No,” a scoff of a laugh left me, “do I look like I do this often?”

“No,” she laughed with me, “are you with someone back home?”

My heart crushed inside my rib cage.

I shook my head, my eyes falling to the table. I couldn’t look at her, because if I did then she would see the pathetic mess I was. Swallowing the burning lump down in my throat and blinking away the tears, I willed myself not to cry.

“Reese?” Her hand slipped over and covered mine.

“I’m fine,” I sniffed, pulling my hand from hers. Wrapping my fingers round the stem of my wine glass I knocked the remainder back.

I felt Connie’s eyes on me as she watched. Slamming the glass base on the table with force, I shook my hands out and cracked my neck from side to side.

“I’m okay.” I smiled at her.

I wasn’t okay.

Far from okay.

But I didn’t want to get into this tonight.

Colt and Kieran stalked back over to the table with our drinks and a tray of shots. I heard their table cheer as they stopped and placed the drinks down.

Colt handed me a shot glass, then handed one to Connie.

“To new friends,” he called out.

“To new friends,” we chimed, clinking our glasses together and swallowing the sambuca. I winced, gritting my teeth as the burn coated my throat. But it was welcomed. Anything to get rid of the sickly feeling that was deep in my gut.

Connie slammed her glass on the table and done a little dance in her seat.

“They were good!” she shouted as she shuffled up to let Kieran sit down next to her. I done the same letting Colt slide in next to me. I stilled as his cologne filled my nostrils, my skin burning at the closeness of him. Turning my head to the side slightly to look up at him, I could see he was uncomfortable.

Was it time to go home yet?

“So, Reese, what brings you to New York?” Kieran asked as his arm slipped behind Connie.

“New job opportunity.” I smiled, but my smile soon faltered as Kieran started whispering sweet nothings into Connie’s ears making her giggle and blush.

“Where is your new job?” Colt asked, his voice low and soft.

“I’ll be working for a PR company, a little out of my depth but I got head-hunted so I must be doing something right.” I giggled awkwardly.

“You must be.” He smiled.

“You work in stocks I’m assuming?” Even saying the words made my heart drum, the blood thumping in my ears.

He just nodded, sipping his beer from the bottle. “I never wanted to go into stocks, I’m not about this lifestyle.” Now it was his turn to laugh awkwardly. “I wanted to be a teacher, but my father wouldn’t allow it. Told me I had to go out and get a real job.” He sighed, shaking his head and picking the label off of his bottle.

“Oh wow.” I said surprised, my eyes widening as I took a big mouthful of my wine.

“Yup,” he laughed, “but it’s not all bad. I got to meet these jerks.” He nodded his head towards Kieran whose tongue was currently down Connie’s throat. “You must be very brave to come to a new city alone.”

“Or stupid.” I laughed, “I would have been an idiot to turn this job down, so I had to pull up my big girl knickers and get on a plane.”

“Knickers?” he scoffed.

“Yeah?” I furrowed my brow, “oh, you call them panties I think?” I blushed.

“We do.” He laughed “You’re cute when you blush.”

His words only making me blush even more.