Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

Walking out of JFK, the hot air hit me as soon as I was out of the building. The air felt sticky, but the warm sun on my skin felt amazing. I stood for a moment, my eyes taking in my surroundings. I was here. I was finally here. I snapped my head round as I looked at the line of yellow taxis and I don’t know why but it made me smile. I felt like I hadn’t smiled in months, yet a simple yellow taxi could do that. You forget sometimes how the little things in life mean the most when you have lost something big in your life.

Slipping in, the taxi driver placed my suitcases in the boot.

“Where to lady?” he asked, his eyes pinned to me in the rear-view mirror. His tone was curt but not rude.

“Er, let me check. Sorry.” I blushed as I grabbed my phone to search for my email. I heard the heavy sigh that left him before he tapped his finger on the meter that was running.

“The Plaza?” my voice was quiet as I fumbled to put my phone back in my bag.

“Got it,” he said, looking over his shoulder and pulling out onto the busy roads. I sat back; eyes wide as I took the scenery in. I had always wanted to come to New York, but it was never part of our life plan. I sigh, my eyes dropping to my black painted nails as I linked my fingers together. I felt exhausted suddenly, I wanted to get out of my jeans and sticky tee. The air was humid. I wanted a cold shower, eat my weight in junk food and to sleep till tomorrow morning. I heard the best way to get over jet lag is to eat before bed, resetting your real time frame and body clock as such.

Pulling down a busy road, the taxi started to slow outside The Plaza. My eyes widened as I took the beautiful building in. This was my home for the next four nights while I got accustomed to the city and had my settling in sessions at my new job.

I was due to meet the head-hunter that hired me tomorrow morning for coffee. I was anxious but also excited.

“Hey, lady. Come on.” The taxi driver’s abruptness snapped me out of my inner thoughts.

“Oh god, I’m sorry.” I panicked, fumbling around in my purse for my dollars. Passing him the notes, I pushed the door open and smiled at the impeccably dressed doorman. He helped me with my bags and suitcases as I watched the taxi pull back out into the road. I stood dazed for a moment; I was here.

Like, really here.

In New York.

Ready for my do over and new adventure.

I followed the concierge into the building, climbing the stairs slowly, white pillars sitting either side of the double doors. My jaw went lax as my eyes were close to popping out of my head. The gold and creams that wrapped round the large room were beautiful. The detail and décor were exquisite. I stood in the bright, airy arch that houses the gold revolving door. I was literally breathless. I don’t think I would ever get over the beauty.

“Miss.” The concierge’s voice was low as I turned my head slowly to face him.

“Shall we go check you in?” he asked as his gloved hands held onto the gold luggage trolley, his fingers wrapping round tightly.

I nodded, unable to speak.

I followed him, walking quickly so I stayed close to him. My eyes continued to scan the room as I took it all in, but I don’t think I ever could. This place was phenomenal. I never wanted to leave.

Standing awkwardly at the check in desk, I waited patiently for the young man to finish up on his telephone call.

“Good afternoon, welcome to The Plaza may I take your name?”

I nodded, my voice escaping me for a moment. I swallowed the swollen lump in my throat back down as I drummed my fingers on the polished surface.

“Reese, Reese Hernández.” I stammered.

The impeccably dressed man tapped his fingers on his keyboard.

“Aha, here we are. Reese, staying with us for four nights in a single room?” he chirped as he lifted his eyes from the computer screen.

“Yup,” my voice barely audible. I felt out of sorts. Was it the jet lag? Or was it the fact that my heart was obliterated into a thousand pieces while being all alone and a million miles away? The sad realisation finally sinking in.

“Oh, it must be your lucky day.” The young man’s eyes fell back to his screen, pinning my eyes on his name tag. Michael. I like that name.

“You have been given a double with a view of the inner landscaped courtyard,” his voice lifted, a hint of excitement lacing it.

“Oh,” I blushed, more like he looked at me and felt sorry for me maybe?

“Derek will take your bags up, you’ll be on floor eighteen.” He says, pushing a card towards me. “That’s your key, food is served throughout the day, breakfast starts at six-thirty and finishes at ten. Room service runs twenty-four hours. If you have any problems, just dial down to reception and we will be happy to help.” He smiles at me as I take the card.

“Thank you,” I just about manage.

“You’re most welcome, we hope you enjoy your stay at The Plaza.”

I nod curtly, turning on my heel and following the concierge.

Swiping my key through the lock, the concierge opened the door for me. My mouth fell open as my eyes bulged in my head.

Woah.

The beautifully panelled walls hugged the room in an ivory white, the carpeted floors felt soft under my feet even though I had my shoes on. The large double bed sat in the middle of the room with a huge gold ornate headboard.

If Derek the concierge wasn’t here watching me, I would have dived onto the bed.

“I assume everything is okay for you, Ms Hernández?” Derek’s voice was warm as I snapped my head to face him.

“Everything is perfect.” I gush, a small smile dancing across my lips as I turn to face the room again.

The door closed softly behind me causing my head to turn. The smile still evident on my face.

“I’m here Elijah.” I whispered to the empty room, a burn in my throat, the tears stinging behind my eyes.

I wasn’t going to unpack right now; I needed a long soak in the tub and then I was going to eat my weight in food before crashing for the evening.

I felt exhausted.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Physically.

I woke up feeling groggy as hell. I didn’t sleep as well as I would have liked. The jet lag, the noise of the busy New York streets and the unfamiliar surroundings had me feeling uneasy. Looking at my phone it was six am, which means it was around lunch time back home. I sighed, rolling on my back, and letting my phone fall into the plush duvet. I felt so out of depth, as if I was drowning slowly and struggling for air.

I could do this, I knew I could.

Everything just felt like a battle. I hadn’t been in therapy for over a year now, I could finally talk about what happened with Elijah without crying which was apparently a good sign when it came to the grieving process. Even though I still cried at times when I thought about him, I am only human. The pain is still so raw, and even though it had been two years, I was scared that the pain that seared through my heart would never leave. I mean, how could it? How do you get over the one person that was made for you? I truly believe he was my soulmate, but maybe this was a sign from the universe that we just weren’t meant to be.

Or was it that he was my first love.

The one to help me grow and find out who I was. The one to give me a hard life lesson to see what I truly wanted.

But what if it was him that I wanted? I just wanted him. Me and him.

We were planning for babies, lots of babies. But we never got lucky. We stopped trying after he wanted to further his career and work his way up the stock market ladder, but we weren’t being careful if you get my drift. We tried for two years, and once Elijah got his break in his job, we were going to book an appointment with a fertility doctor to see if we could find what the issue was, if there even was an issue.

But alas, we never got there.

I knew I wanted children; I knew I didn’t want to find anyone else to start a family with, so I made the choice to do the parenting gig on my own. I wanted to start my job, find my feet, and then look at being artificially inseminated.

But that was my three-year plan, I was nowhere near ready at the moment.

I had to focus on my life here for a moment, find my feet and get my foot firmly in the door at my new job.

“Right,” I called out to the room as if someone was here. Throwing the heavy duvet back I padded into the bathroom, turning the shower on. The room quickly filled with steam; rubbing the condensation off the mirror I smiled to myself.

“Here is to day one of our new adventure.” I said to myself, my voice chirpy as I tried my best to sound upbeat and happy.

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I dropped my pyjamas and stepped under the hot shower, letting the water sting my skin. It was welcomed. To feel anything other than grief-stricken pain.

Once showered I towelled myself off and made my way back into the room. I had no clue what to wear. The sun was beginning to break behind the clouds, but on checking my weather last night on my phone it said the sun was going to be hot. I needed something to keep me cool, but also so I didn’t burn.

Opting for a cute, cap-sleeved oversized tee and high waisted denim shorts, I slipped my feet into my sandals. I ran my fingers through my golden blonde hair, I loosened the waves that had formed from not drying my hair last night.

I wasn’t a girly girl; I didn’t really care much for my appearance as such.

Flicking my lashes with a light coating of mascara, I dabbed some concealer under my dark bags and smudged some clear gloss onto my plump lips.

Nodding at myself in the mirror and happy with the way I looked, I grabbed my phone and my rucksack and decided to go for breakfast. It was still early but that suited me. I could do with some quiet time to calm my nerves before I had to meet Julianne this morning.

Opening the door, I turned quickly and grabbed my key card. I would be pretty useless without that. Shaking my head, I closed the door behind me and turned the sign for the house keeping. I had made my bed and tidied, but I guess they would still want to come in and freshen it up.

Walking slowly down the long halls, I took my time. I didn’t want to rush, I had no need. If one thing Elijah’s death has taught me, it’s that I need to make the most out of my life. Appreciate the little things. The birds singing, the sun shining, the sound of rain belting down and hitting the windows. All the stuff you take for granted, that’s what people miss the most.

It’s not the grand gestures, the thousands of pounds in the bank.

It’s the memories and experiences.

If you died tomorrow, your boss would replace you easily. Your money would go to whoever and you would still be buried in the ground with nothing.

You come to the world with nothing. You leave the world with nothing.

Everything is materialistic.

But not your memories. They go with you beyond the grave… to well, wherever you end up. I was pulled from my deep and morbid thoughts when I was greeted by a young girl, smiling at me as she showed me to a table.

“Are you expecting anyone else?” she asked, her eyes glistening, her perfect smile still sitting on her beautiful face.

“No, just me.” I shrugged, a sad smile on my face.

“Oh, okay. That’s not a problem,” she nodded curtly. “I’m Connie, by the way.”

“Reese,” I smiled.

“Nice to meet you, Reese. If you ever need anything, toiletries, room service, a friend… just give me a shout.”

“That would be lovely, I could use a friend,” I laughed.

“Then I’m your girl. I get off at six, how about I show you the town?” she pulled the chair out and sat opposite me, lifting the jug of water off the table and pouring me a glass.

I hesitated for a moment trying to think of an excuse to why I couldn’t go. But then, I heard Elijah’s voice in my head.

Go.

I swallowed the large, burning fire lump down deep in my throat before I could let the sting in my eyes get worse and nodded.

“Why not?” a nervous laugh escaped me as I grabbed the cup of water and swallowed a few mouthfuls to try and wet my throat that had somehow gone from a burning ball of fire to the Sahara Desert.

“Perfect, I’ll meet you down in the lobby at six-thirty,” she winked, pushing off the table and walking back to her hostess desk. My head turned as my eyes followed her. She had long brown hair that was tied in a low ponytail, beautifully tanned skin that made her green eyes pop.

She was the definition of perfect in my eyes.

She had curves in all the right places, an hourglass figure. I would kill for a body like that. I was straight with hardly any curves. I hoped as I hit puberty that I would fill out a bit, but no. I am like a surfboard. Flat.

But we always want what others have right?

Blowing the breath through my nose, I turned back around and sat for a moment taking in the large restaurant. My stomach groaned; I was starving. Pushing out of the chair I walked quietly over to the buffet. My eyes widened, my mouth watering at all the different options that were in front of me.

Sitting back to my table with my eggs, bacon and pancakes I filled my teacup up with English tea. Taking a mouthful, I groaned in appreciation. I loved a cuppa. I didn’t mind coffee, but I much prefer a cup of tea. It just hits different. Especially out of a china cup.

Placing it back on its saucer, I tucked into my food. I wolfed it down, I hadn’t realised how hungry I was. Maybe it was the jetlag? I always had a big appetite, but I just felt famished this morning.

Once I ate a second plate of food, I sat back with a fresh pot of tea and people watched. You had all walks of life here. Businessmen and women, families, couples, older couples, and people who were alone. Like me.

I always wondered what people’s stories are, I always become so fascinated with people’s backgrounds and I don’t know why. I always want to know everything about someone, what makes them tick, what makes them happy, sad, and everything in between. But I hardly ever ask because I get shy. I mean, why would a stranger tell me about their selves inside and out.

I pulled my phone out and saw a message from my mum. Smiling, a small pang of pain shot through my heart. I missed them both.

I had never been this far away from them, but I knew I had done the right thing by coming here to try and get a fresh start.

Sweetie, how was your first night? Mum xo

I tapped back

Hi mum, dad. First night was okay, slept okay and just having breakfast. I am also going out tonight with my new friend Connie. She works here. Very friendly. I like her… 🙂

I watched as the dots appeared on my screen

I am glad you made a friend, but please be careful. You don’t know this place. Or this girl. What if she is one of them girls that lure you in and sell you onto a sex trafficking gang?

Oh my god. Only my mum would come up with something like that. I snorted a laugh as I began to tap back.

Mum, seriously. I’ll be fine. I’ll message you my location, keep an eye on my locator app if it makes you sleep easier.

Before she could message back, I sent another one.

If I am in danger or need help, I’ll send a poo emoji. 😉

I knew that would wind her up, but I couldn’t help but have a little tease with her. She would be spitting feathers to my dad right about now.

Reese, this is your dad. Please don’t do that to your mother. But yes, we will watch your app. Be safe, have fun and good luck meeting your head-hunter this morning. Call us when you’re back, we love you xo.

I let out a small snort of a laugh before tapping a response back and dropping my phone into my bag. I was going to finish my tea, head back to my room to freshen up and use the loo then head to meet Julianne.