Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

I locked my door behind me, then slipped the safety chain across. I didn’t think he would turn up, but I could never be sure with him. He was unpredictable. The fact he had a spare key for my apartment meant he could let himself in at any time. Weirdo.

My skin swarmed in heat, I felt clammy and sticky. Unwrapping my scarf, I pulled it from my neck and threw it on my sofa, next I shrugged my coat off and threw it in the same place as my scarf. Why was it so hot in here? Pushing my fingers through my long blonde hair, I wrapped it round into a high bun and pulled a toggle over it. I needed air, yes. Air. Opening the window to my apartment, I leaned my top half out and inhaled. The ice-cold air hurt my lungs, making them burn but it felt good in some weird, kind of way. The air was far from clean in New York City, but it felt good having the fresh air circulating inside of me.

I must have been hanging out the window for a while, my mind wandering too earlier today. I went to find out when would be good to be inseminated, and I came out already pregnant.

With Killian’s child.

That he wants nothing to do with.

But why does that matter? I was going to do this myself all along. I didn’t need him or anyone for that matter.

Goosebumps smothered my skin, the chill spreading across me now. Slamming the window down quickly, I walked into the bedroom and tugged my jeans off. I felt constricted, I needed something loose around my non-existent bump.

Grabbing some oversized tracksuit bottoms, I rolled them over a couple of times then reached into my drawers for my grey Nirvana tee.

That felt better. I smiled in the mirror, turning to the side and placing my hands over my lower belly.

It still didn’t feel real, it still hadn’t sunk in that I was growing a baby.

I was going to be a mum in a little under seven months.

Now it really was time to get my act together.

I sat on my large, black sofa. My eyes just danced round the room. I had a small television in the corner of the squared, open planned lounge. I wanted some plants scattered around, but I only went for pretend ones. I could never for the life of me keep plants alive. A familiar fear pricked at my skin, the sweat beading on my brow.

I couldn’t even look after a plant… how the hell was I going to look after a baby.

Edging forward on the sofa, my fingers tapped against the china of my mug. I wanted to nibble my skin on my nails but tapping my fingers would help contain the anxiety that was ripping through me.

I’m going to need a bigger apartment, my head spun as I looked behind me and looked round my spacious one-bedroom home. I loved it here.

I didn’t have to panic, we had time.

Turning my head quickly I spun to look at the photos on the wall, Elijah’s eyes finding mine.

“I’m so scared,” I whispered.

My eyes fell to my half full cup of tea, swirling it round gently. I jumped when I heard a knock on the door.

“Bitch tits, you in?” I heard Connie’s voice. I let out the small breath that I had been holding. I could really do without this, but on the other hand I needed my friend more than ever. I just couldn’t tell her yet.

Rushing for the door, I slid the safety chain across and let her in.

“Hey,” I smiled at her, she had wine in her hand and Chinese. She was an angel.

“Hey, you,” she smiled back.

I stood aside and let her in, she smiled as she rushed past me and placed the cartons of food on the work top and set to quick work to get the cork out of the wine. Reaching up for two glasses and pouring a glass. My eyes widened as it sunk in. Moving quick, I covered the top of my glass and shook my head side to side.

“Not for me,” I tried say it in a joking manner, but I was worried she would see through my shit.

“Why?” her eyebrow lifted.

“I’m not feeling very well, I have had a terrible migraine…” I laughed, even I wasn’t convinced.

She rolled her eyes.

“Bore,” she smirked, “more for me.”

“Dish up, I just need the loo,” I said quietly, rushing off and closing the door. Washing my hands, I walked back into the kitchen area, smiling.

“I am starving, what did you ord…” I was cut off, stilling when I saw what was in Connie’s hand. The pregnancy leaflets. Shit.

“You’re pregnant!?” she gripped onto one of the leaflets tightly in her grasp, her wine glass was in her other hand.

“Connie… I…” and just before I could finish what I wanted to say, the apartment door burst open. My head snapped around to see Killian, my eyes widened, my heart thumping against my ribcage.

“If you think for one minute that I am not going to be part of my baby’s life, then you’ve…” his voice boomed around my apartment when I heard the glass smash. Everything moved in slow motion as I turned my body to face Connie. I watched the wine cover Connie’s feet, the glass shattering across the highly gloss, tiled floor.

No words were spoken. Connie’s eyes were pinned to her dad, her mouth slightly open, her eyes filling with tears.

“Darling,” I heard Killian say, but he wouldn’t dare to step forward.

“Don’t.” She hissed at him before her stony, cold gaze found mine. “And you,” she spat, “sitting here pretending we are BFFs!? And you’ve been fucking my dad the whole time!! What else have you been keeping from me?” her voice was loud.

“Connie, it’s not like that…” my voice was a whisper in comparison to hers. I was devastated.

“No? Because I am sure I have just found out that you’re pregnant with my dad’s baby, or have I got that wrong?” Her arms crossed against her chest as she pinned her stare to me.

I didn’t have the words for her. Everything she said was the truth. I felt the sting at the back of my throat, my eyes pricking with tears. I felt the betrayal in her eyes slice through me and it was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt.

“Why him?” she asked me, “why out of all the men, in all of the city did you have to go for him?”

“It wasn’t out of choice. It just happened…” I turned to look at Killian, the look of remorse masking my face. We were fucking fools for thinking we could keep it from her.

“So, you only slept together once?” this time she directed her venomous tone towards her father. I felt like we were facing a firing squad.

“No.” Killian said sternly, his eyes dropping to his feet, one of his hands fisted in his pocket and the other was rubbing round the back of his head, before it moved towards the nape of his neck. He was tense.

“More than once then?” she continued; her tone sharp.

Killian nodded, I saw his jaw twitch and clench as he gritted his teeth. Connie turned to face me, her eyes dragging up and down my body.

She stepped towards me, her boots crunching through the broken glass. She stopped in front of me, her eyes steady as they bored into mine.

“I never had you for a gold-digging whore,” she spat, pushing past me, her shoulder knocking into mine. “Screw this,” throwing her hand in the air, she stormed to the front door and slammed it behind her.

As soon as she was out, I stumbled over to the sofa before crying. My head fell into my hands as I let the tears fall. How the fuck had I gotten myself in this situation.

How could have I been so stupid.

It wasn’t my heart that screwed me.

It was Killian Hayes.