Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

Today was the start of a new chapter.

It had been two weeks since the annulment, and in them two weeks I had seen Killian twice.

Honestly though, I was fine with it. It actually worked better for me this way. It gave me a chance to get over him. I have been tempted to ask Connie what has gone on, but then I would have to indulge in our past and me and Killian both agreed it would never be spoken about. So, my mind is the only place for me to dump it all.

I sat at my desk; my fingers wrapped round my cup as I drank my tea. My eyes were fixed on the date on the calendar of my computer.

I had a gynaecology appointment this afternoon. I had been to meet Connie’s mums’ fertility doctors, and everything looked good for me to go ahead and find a donor. I knew this is what I wanted. What I have always wanted.

A baby.

I didn’t need a man. I was an independent woman.

I had savings, I had a job… okay so it wasn’t permanent, but it was a job. And Killian wouldn’t kick me out.

Well, he did basically kick you out of his apartment- my subconscious so kindly reminded me.

Rolling my eyes, I closed the calendar and turned my attention to my ever-growing inbox.

Grabbing my coat, I pulled it on and wrapped my scarf around my neck. I was excited but nervous. I just prayed that after today, things were going to start looking up for me. I rushed out the office before I was stopped by an office junior asking me questions that I didn’t need to answer. Pushing through the door, I inhaled the cold air, filling my lungs. Damn, it felt good. Holding my hand up, I stopped the first taxi I saw and climbed into the back.

“1016 5^th avenue please,” I asked nicely as I shut the door.

The driver grunted, turning his light off and pulling into the busy road. My heart was racing but in the best way, my whole body tingled with anticipation.

This is what I needed.

What I had been waiting for.

Throwing the taxi driver some notes after the short taxi ride, I hopped out and practically skipped up the steps of the doctors.

The heat blasted me as soon as I was in the office, taking in the light and airy reception area. These were a lot posher than our doctors back at home.

“Afternoon, welcome to Doctor Kyra’s office, do you have an appointment?”

I smiled at the friendly lady sitting behind the desk, her bobbed brown hair was styled to perfection. Her cheeks had a rosy glow, but I wasn’t sure if it was her make-up or whether it was from the belting heating that was on all day.

“Yes, yes…” a nervous laugh bubbled out of me, “I do have an appointment. My name is Reese Hernández, I have an appointment at two.” I said quietly, unsure why.

“Lovely,” she smiled as she tapped the keyboard, “take a seat Ms Hernández, Doctor Kyra will be out in a moment.”

My smile was still sitting on my lips as I stepped back and sat down in the pristine and modern waiting room. I looked at the magazines on the coffee table in front of me.

Baby, baby, baby.

My heart warmed, fuzziness spreading through me. I wanted this so bad. I felt desperate. It was so close, my grasp millimetres away from grabbing it and holding onto my dream for dear life.

“Ms Hernández?” a young blonde woman said as she stood in light pink scrubs and a long, white doctor’s jacket. The waiting room was quiet, a few couples sitting and here I was sitting alone.

Again.

I stood up, grabbing my bag and following her into her office.

“Please, take a seat,” she said as she sat behind her desk, her hand opening and gesturing for me to sit down opposite her.

She was British, I felt a little more at home suddenly.

“Okay, so I have your file here. Everything looks great.” Her eyes were cast down as she looked at the paperwork tucked in a light brown folder. “You’re healthy, you’re young…” her eyes found mine as she smiled. “You’re sure you want to go ahead with this?” she sat back, her fingers pressing into her chin.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” A bubble of a laugh left me.

“Because you are young, there is still time for you to settle down with someone…”

I shook my head from side to side fast, “no, no,” I continued. “I don’t want to wait for someone, I had someone… he died. I can’t go through that again. I know this is what I want… I can do this… don’t take this away from me.” My voice was more of a beg now.

“Reese, I’m not going to take anything away from you. I just wanted to check; I have to ask…” she smiled softly as she closed my file. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I nodded solemnly at her acknowledgment.

“Okay,” I whispered, “I’m sorry, I just…”

“I know.” She nodded gently, pushing back away from her desk, “let’s do an ultrasound, see how things are looking, then we can go from there,” she said as she sat at the ultrasound desk, slipping on some gloves and holding the probe in her hand.

I walked over cautiously, the nerves suddenly putting out the excitement that I once felt. Did I want this? Did I want to do this alone?

“Lay on the bed and lift your top for me please.”

I did as she said, my heart was thumping in my chest.

“How long have you been here in the city for?” she asked as she applied a cool gel, making me jump a little. “Sorry, it can be a little cold.”

“Erm, a few months.”

“Enjoying it?” she asked as she pressed the ultrasound probe into my lower stomach. I should have peed before I had this done.

“I am, I came here for work. It’s been a little hectic and things haven’t gone quite to plan but I am hoping that after today things will be back on track.” I smiled, turning my head to look at her but my words fell on deaf ears. Her eyes were fixed to the screen as she studied whatever was on there.

“When was your last period?” she asked as she pressed some buttons on her keyboard while pushing the probe harder onto my stomach.

Her question threw me.

I couldn’t think, I had complete mind fog.

“I, erm… I’m on the pill, I track them… I just can’t think off the top of my head,” I confessed. Panic covered me at her words. I didn’t even know when my last period was. Shit. Fuck. Leaning up on my elbows to try and see the screen but it was useless. It was turned towards her; I couldn’t even see it if I craned my neck.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, concern lacing my voice now. Was something wrong?

“Everything is perfect,” she smiled, turning the screen to face me. “Con…” her voice was cut off when the door to her office flew open.

“Sir! I said you can’t go in there,” I heard the receptionist call as a heavy breathing, hooded eyed Killian stood in the doorway.

“Excuse me,” Doctor Kyra said as she spun in her chair to look at Killian. “Who are you? I am with a patient. I am going to ask you to leave before I have Patricia here call security,” her voice was stern, her accent thick. Her eyes darted to me for a moment, “I am so sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s fine.” I reassured her, my head turning to look at Killian.

“I’m with her,” Killian snapped as he stepped into the room.

“He isn’t,” I shook my head.

“Reese, now is not the time to be a brat,” he growled; his jaw clenched.

“Don’t you dare. Get out Killian. You’re not going to ruin this for me.”

“I’m staying.” He stepped closer to me now, Patricia was hanging back, her eyes volleying from me to Doctor Kyra.

Kyra held her hand up to still Patricia for a moment as she watched me and Killian.

“The fuck you are. You lost all right to be here two weeks ago, now please… leave.” My voice was a plea, my eyes brimming with hot unshed tears. I was frustrated and infuriated that this man made me feel like this.

“Do you want me to call security, Reese?” Kyra’s eyes pinned to mine; her voice was quiet. I got it. She thought I was in trouble.

I shook my head, “It’s fine…” I tried my best to reassure her. “Honestly, he can stay.” You could hear the defeat in my voice. I just wanted to know what was wrong, I would deal with Killian later.

“Is something wrong?” Killian sensed the mood in the room. His voice was softer now he saw the tears in my eyes, his hand rubbed over his chin. His other was deeply fisted in his pocket.

“I don’t know,” I whispered, turning my head to the doctor. “You burst through the door like a mad man before I could find out what was wrong.”

I saw Kyra nod to the door to let Patricia know that everything was okay. She nodded and shut the door behind Killian.

The three of us waited in silence for a moment, Killian was by my side, his brows furrowed at the screen that I still couldn’t see.

“Is that a…” Killian paled, his eyes wide and bulging.

“It is.” Kyra grinned before she turned from the screen to face me. “Congratulations Reese, it seems you are already pregnant,” her voice was gentle and full of happiness, her pitch heightening slightly. “I would say around ten weeks, but that’s just a guess at the moment.”

Oh shit.

“Pregnant,” I whispered, my eyes glued to the screen at the little jellybean that was floating around in my stomach. It’s legs moving as it somersaulted.

My little jellybean.

“I will schedule your next scan and update your file, congratulations again Reese.” She pulled the probe off my stomach, but the screen was frozen with the baby.

I felt Killian’s thumb pad against my skin as he swiped a stray tear that was rolling down my cheek. My eyes were pulled from the screen when Doctor Kyra stood next to me, wiping the gel off my stomach then holding her hand out for me to take. I did, my trembling hand sat in hers as she helped me up.

“You okay?” she asked, her head dipping slightly as she looked for our eyes to meet.

I nodded, “Yeah,” I said breathless, “just a little surprised that’s all.”

“Good surprise?”

I nodded again, “It’s a wonderful surprise.”

Pulling my hand from hers as I tugged my top down with force and stepped away from her, taking my files and walking for the door.

“I’ll call you with your new dates.” Kyra called out as I stepped outside the door and not looking back. I didn’t stop, I just carried on walking down the pavement.

“Reese!” he called out, but I ignored him. “Reese!” he shouted louder now.

I kept marching on.

“Damn it, stop!” he screamed but I couldn’t hear him. I was too lost in my own thoughts whirring and whizzing round my head.

Killian was hot on my tail, grabbing my wrist he tugged me back to a halt.

“Reese!” he sounded exasperated as I finally stilled.

“What!?” I snapped, “What!?”

“Just stop for a minute will you,” he groaned, his hands wrapping around my waist as he held me in place.

“Why, Killian?”

“Because you have just found out you’re pregnant and you’re running around like a headless chicken.” My chest was rising fast, my breath heavy as my eyes volleyed back and forth. “Is it mine?” I saw the wince creep across his face as the words left his mouth.

“Fuck you,” I screamed at him, slapping his cheek hard. His head cocked to the side, his large hand rubbing his skin. His tongue darted out, resting at the corner of his top lip before his blazing eyes found mine. His eyes hooded, looking down at me. The spark that coursed through me from his intense stare made my steps falter as I slipped back. I ignored the swirling heat that stirred in my stomach, the ache between my legs growing. I was angry with him. Super pissed off.

He stepped towards me. I stilled, holding my hands up and hitting them against his chest repeatedly. Turning quickly, I rushed away from him, but I could hear him behind me. Picking up the pace I tried to lose him, but with his long legs and his big strides which equated to two of mine, it was useless.

I spun round, pointing my finger at him.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, my hand shaking through anger and nerves. My voice was hoarse as I tried to keep the burning lump at bay as my tears stung my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall. I was sick of crying. I was sick of being angry. I was sick of feeling like this.

“Reese…”

“Just leave me alone. Leave us alone,” my hand automatically moving to my belly. My head dropped, my eyes landing to where my hand was resting.

“We don’t need you. You didn’t want me anymore, so now you lose the both of us.” And with that, I turned and walked away from him. Not once looking back.

I couldn’t do this.

I needed to put the distance between us and now was the perfect time.