Cold Feet

RICK

When I get home I have a few more drinks as I sit in the dark of my living room pondering my discussion with Lewis.

I decide that he's right. Much of what he said is true. I've never been in a long term relationship before. That's my own doing, I know but people change and I don't feel bad about wanting to change. Why should I. On the other hand, it makes sense that I want to stick with what I know which is the one night stand lifestyle. That would explain my longing for Viola. Maybe I'm only interested in her because she's the one that got away. If we have sex, I might lose interest. Am I going to do that at the expense of a sure thing with Christine?

When I think of it in that context I make peace with my thoughts and I'm actually grateful that nothing more happened between Viola and I.

Feeling a sense of peace I head off to bed and drift off to bed with a small thought knocking on the door of mind. It's small but it wants to be heard on the arena of thinking where my biggest decisions are made, like marrying Christine. I don't want to open the door because I can hear it already and I don't want to. It says, but you've never thought of Viola as a one-night stand...

VIOLA

Sometimes the universe just doesn't stop knocking. When it's got your number there's no stopping it. It's not as easy as shutting the door in Rick's face. It will always find a way no matter the cost it seems. It's almost midnight when I'm woken by a call. It's Lara. She is crying and I eventually manage to understand her. She's at the hospital. Her husband has had a stroke and is in a coma.

I dress quickly and am with her in thirty minutes. I console her and she manages to calm down a bit. James, her husband is in the ICU and Lara is waiting for news from the doctors.

They've been together for a long time and I can understand how much he means to her. In the short time that I have worked with her I have come to know her much better along with her husband and their kids. They are a very happy family and I am envious, in a nice way. I hope to have what they have one day but now I feel for her and we pray together.

"Don't worry about work, I'll take care of everything," I tell her.

"Will you?" she asks. "It would be such a help. I don't think I could deal with it right now. Most importantly, you have to make sure that Rick and Christine's wedding plans are finalized."

I'm silent for a moment. I want to stare at the heavens at scream, Why me? There it is right there. I feel like I've been manipulated by the universe. I know it.

Lara gives me Rick's number and I pretend I don't have it. I promise her I'll give Rick a call in the morning and explain everything to him. When I feel that Lara is calm enough I leave and ask her to call me for anything. I find it strange that Christine isn't there considering what good friends they're supposed to be.

Nevertheless, I'm careful as I leave the hospital. I don't fancy running into Christine. Luckily for me I don't.

I wake up the usual time even though I haven't had nearly enough sleep. I have a headache and take an aspirin before getting ready for work.

I know I have to call Rick sooner rather than later but I stare at his number on my cellphone screen for a long time before I call him. I even have to unlock the screen a few times.

Even as I call his number I pray he won't answer even though it will simply delay the inevitable. But he answers and it's probably for the best.

"Good morning," he says. His voice is reserved. He clearly hasn't been expecting me to call.

"Good morning," I say as business like as possible.

"You're the last person I was expecting to call," he remarks.

"I'm the last person I expected to call you, Rick," I reply, then continue before he can say anything else. "I'm calling on behalf of Lara. Her husband's in hospital and it's not good. I promised her I'll take care of business as long as she needs me to and she's asked me to make sure that your wedding plans with Christine get finalized." I surprise myself at how business like I am. "Perhaps we can meet for coffee or at the office so I can get up to speed on where you're at. I'm sorry but I didn't want to bother Lara with details. I'm sure you can understand."

Rick seems to understand and responds well. "Sure, we can meet for coffee. I think it's just about done. I've got a whole file on it. I'll bring it with me."

I'm surprised that Rick responds so professionally. We agree on the coffee shop and the time.

When I arrive at the coffee shop, Rick's already there. He has a file on the table in front of him and he's looking out the window. He stands when he sees me and when he offers to help me sit, I wave him off. We order coffee.

"So much for not talking," Rick smiles.

I sigh. "Rick. Please let it go. I didn't come here to talk about what happened last time. I feel bad enough. I'm here to do one thing and one thing only and that's get you to the altar with Christine. Okay?"

Rick studies me a moment as if wondering where this strength is coming from. Then finally he nods. "You're right. My friend told me to focus as well. He agrees with you."

"Wait, you discussed me with your friend?" I ask surprised.

"Not in so many words. I needed to talk to someone about what happened. He's happily married and has been for a long time. I'm inclined to take his advice. So, let's get on with it."

I don't know what to say. I'm flattered. He sought advice from someone else about making a choice between Christine and I? I'm flattered and embarrassed that he's spoken to someone about me. It also tells me has doubts about Christine.

Don't go there, my little voice says. Do this and get it over with. Even if he has doubts I'm not going to be the one to make them any worse. I listen to my inner voice and motion to the file. "May I?" "Sure," Rick replies. I open the file and go through it and Rick takes me through it step by step until I'm full up to speed. When we're finished I can see that it's basically done. The final date needs to be set, bookings made and invites sent. That's it.

"Well then, let's pick a date. It should be at least two months from now. That gives people more than enough time to prepare."

Rick hasn't been able to stop looking at me while we've been talking. I know he has to but he's looked at me far more than necessary. He's looking at me now as if he's thinking, coming to a decision. Finally, he responds.

"No. Four weeks from now. I don't want to wait longer."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

Rick nods. "That's enough time. People are coming or they're not. Our wedding isn't for them it's for... Christine and I." He hesitates briefly and I pretend not to notice.

"What about the guest list?" I ask.

"I sent it to Lara. She said she'd make the list from Christine's side because they're such good friends. Otherwise, I can ask Christine."

"Let me ask her. If she doesn't have it, I'll tell you and you can ask Christine instead okay?"

"Thanks," Rick nods.

"Then as soon as I get the lists, I'll get them to the printers and we'll get them sent."

"Can we get the invites sent by e-mail as well? I mean go ahead and send the card invites but e-mail is faster. By the time the lists are collated, invites printed and sent we might eb another week down the road."

Rick is suddenly in a hurry to get this over with. I don't quite know why but if it's what he wants, I won't stand in his way. Personally, I'm beginning to think it's for the best too. I decide to do everything I can to finish it as soon as I can for him."

"Sure, that makes sense," I tell him. "We can do that."

We finish the meeting and we finish our coffee, but neither of us gets up to leave. We sit looking at each other making awkward small talk.

Rick finally decides to venture down the path we've been avoiding and I know it's time to leave.

"Viola..."

"... don't," I cut him off. "Please. My

job is to see you get married and that's what I'm going to do." I pack up my things and stand. "I'll be in touch. Send me your guest list turn and make my way to the cashier. I pay for our coffee and leave without looking back.

I hasten away from the coffee shop

as I'm overcome with sadness. Tears well up in my eyes and run down my cheeks before I can stop them. I have no idea why I feel like this. I have never spent any decent amount of time with Rick to know if we might even be compatible in the

a

long term. All we share ing

passionate moment at a wedding and then again at my apartment. It's nowhere near enough. So why do I feel this way. Why am I crying my eyes out as if I've just lost the only person I'll ever love? Why do I keep getting pushed back to him? Finally my pace slows and I halt.

My inner voice whispers guiltily, you love him don't you? Why? How can you know? Do you want to go back? It's all it takes. I turn around. I'm already two blocks from the coffee shop. I begin walking back.

I don't care.

I'll be honest with Rick.

I'll be honest with myself.

I'll lay my heart at his feet.

I begin to jog and then I'm running. I arrive at the coffee shop and pause for the briefest of moments before pushing the door open. The cashier looks at me. My makeup's ruined but sat I don't care what a mess I look like. I look to the table where we sat. It's been taken already.

"He left already," the cashier says guessing what's wrong.

"Thanks," I sniff. I back out and close the door. My eyes sweep the street but I can't see him anywhere. Well, that's it. Let it be.

I walk away again back the way I've come and wipe my face trying to clean my make up as best I can as I head for the nearest metro station. Go home and get this finished.000