CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- Distraction, Sleep Token.

“Dada” Maeve cries, holding up her arms as I lift her out of her crib.

“Dada is here, we can go wake him up.” I tell her, but her wails get louder.

Resting Maeve on my hip, I knock on Jax’s door. I really need to apologize to him. I can’t believe I smashed up his car. I shouldn’t have said all of those things to him. It made it impossible to sleep thinking about how hurt he looked when I told him he doesn’t have a chance to fix it.

I didn’t mean it.

I can’t live without him.

When he doesn’t respond to my second knock, I cautiously open the door and take a peek inside. The bed is pristine, showing no indication that anyone has slept in it.

I want to make this right.

I was wrong, we can fix this.

Maeve pulls at my hair, still shouting for her daddy.

“Ok, baby. Let’s get you changed. Then we can call daddy, see if he can come back home? How does that sound?”

Her toothy grin lights up her face, and I can’t resist running my fingers over her silky smooth cheek.

After a quick diaper swap, Maeve is in her highchair with her bottle. I call Jax and he doesn’t pick up. Did he even stay here?

I’m worried about him. Each time I see him, the more lost he seems. That happy Jax isn’t there anymore. It’s like I’m watching him fall apart.

Something inside tells me that he’s not right. None of this is. I can’t ignore it anymore. I’m starting to even doubt what happened that night. The fact he can’t remember doesn’t sit right with me.

He needs to know what I think, he needs to know I still love him. I never stopped, I never will.

I frown, typing out a text to him. Before I can hit send, Maeve erupts into a fit of giggles and throws her bottle across the floor. It sends milk flying everywhere as it hits the ground.

“Maeve!”

She’s covered and looking thrilled with herself.

Plucking her back up, I take her upstairs, flick on the lights in her room and sit her with her toys as I rummage for another outfit for her. Closing the drawer, a folded white piece of paper catches my eye.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I pick it up. On the front, in Jax’s writing, it’s addressed to Maeve.

As I lean against the side of Maeve’s crib, I open the letter, my heart pounding in my chest. Transparent blobs can be seen in the top corner where it’s gotten wet.

His words pierce through me, filling me with his raw agony. My entire world crumbles around me. I have to physically hold myself upright to stop my legs from buckling underneath me.

I had no idea the depth of his pain.

To my baby girl, my tigryonok.

I want you to know just how much I love you. Even if you only had me in your life for a brief time. Know that it meant more to me than you can imagine.

I hope you grow up to be just like your beautiful mommy.

Kind, brave, a Queen.

But most of all. I just hope you can be happy.

That is all I wish for, baby.

I will always regret not being a good enough father for you. Trust me, everything will be better for you without me. That doesn’t mean you don’t own my heart and my soul. Because you do.

I hope one day, you can forgive me for leaving you like this.

Even though I might not be here, know that I will always be watching over you. I’m doing this to set you and mommy free.

I’m sure one day she can tell you about the chaos that follows me, I didn’t want that for you. It had to stop. The pain had to stop for me.

I wish I could have fought harder and been the man you both deserved. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

The smiles I had for you two, they were the only real ones I’d experienced in a long, long time.

Daddy will love you and mommy forever. More than you can ever imagine.

I’m so sorry.

When we meet again in the next life, I promise I’ll be stronger for you.

All my love, forever.

Daddy. Xxxx

My vision blurred by tears, I watch as the paper slips from my grasp and floats to the floor. I collapse beside it, the impact against the wooden surface echoing through the room. The full weight of what he’s trying to tell me slowly sinks in.

That last line.

Jax wants to die.

He’s that miserable, he doesn’t see a way out anymore.

I let the man I love believe he is worthless.

How didn’t I see this? How did I miss how much torture he was dealing with? How could I let him down like this?

The overwhelming need to throw up takes over. I scramble out of the room and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I can hear Maeve calling for me, but I need to find him.

With shaking hands, I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial his number again. This time, when he doesn’t answer, I call Nikolai, who picks up on the first ring.

“Sofia, is everything okay?” I shake my head, pulling at my hair.

“No. I need to find Jax. Now. I think he’s going to hurt himself.” I choke as I say the words out loud.

Nikolai murmurs something in Russian, his voice is barely audible. “Hurt himself?”

I swallow down the urge to vomit again.

“He left Maeve a letter.”

The line goes silent for a second. “Stay where you are. We are coming to you and then we find him.”

“Please be quick. I can’t lose him.”

“We won’t.”

As I walk back into Maeve’s room, I pick the note up off the floor and more tears stream down my face.

“Please, Jax. Don’t do this to us,” I whisper, as if he can somehow hear me.

I wish he knew just how much we love him.

I pick Maeve up and cuddle her tightly against me. She looks just like him. She can’t lose her daddy. As I wait for Nikolai, I keep calling Jax over and over.

Nothing.

Every failed call threatens to break me.