CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- Half A Man, Dean Lewis

The sting on my cheek is nothing compared to the pain I feel inside.

As she spins on her heel and makes a dart for the exit, that familiar deep ache in my chest resurfaces. When I look at her, I’m struck by the raw agony reflected in her expression.

That I caused. Again.

No matter what I do. I hurt her. I just can’t seem to make it stop.

Her words loop in my head. She thinks I’m happy? Doesn’t she know that I physically recoiled when the waitress put her hand on my shoulder?

I had absolutely no interest in her. The only woman I’ll ever want is Sofia. I won’t move on, I can’t. My heart belongs to her. Even if I have to rip it out of my chest and give it to her.

That’s what it feels like living without her anyway.

Empty.

Dead inside.

“Go after her.” Nikolai’s voice is stern.

What good am I to her?

Running a hand over my face, the thought of her being upset and on her own eats away at me. I wish I had a fucking time machine and can go back and change everything. Write myself out of her life, take away her misery.

I slam my hands down on the table, feeling the vibrations reverberate through my palms as I push myself up.

“You spill my beer. You owe me a shot.” Alexei grins, picking his bottle up.

“Go.” Nikolai points to the exit.

As quick as my feet will go, I barge into the door and come to a halt when I hear the unmistakable sound of glass shattering. Her screams echo through the air and I search her out in the dark, finding her bashing the windows of my Lamborghini.

All I can see is the shards flying, surrounding her in a jagged spray that litters the ground around her .

Fuck.

“Sofia, stop!” I shout, launching myself over to her, bracing myself for her to hit me with the jack handle as I grab her by the waist and hold her flailing body against me.

“Fuck you, Jax! Get off me. Of course all you care about is your stupid car,” she sobs against me.

Carefully, I unpeel her fingers from the weapon and spin her to face me.

The agony on her face guts me.

She pushes against my chest.

I shake my head and wrap my arms around her, pulling her flush against me, feeling the warmth of her tears soaking my shirt.

“You know that isn’t true, baby,” I whisper into the top of her head.

With every cry, my heart splinters further. I’m not sure how many more times this can happen before I fall apart.

“Why did you do this to us, Jax? How do you get to sit there and drink with your friends, flirting with women and I cry myself to sleep every night? Why couldn’t you just love me enough?”

My throat starts to close in.

My days are darker than even after Kai’s death. I can’t escape it, it’s consuming me.

I pull back, gripping her shoulders and looking into her eyes. They’re a painful reminder of what I’ve done to her.

I deserve every ounce of suffering.

As I glance down, I see the trickle of blood running down her forearm. Fuck. Not only am I torturing her on the inside, she’s bleeding, because of me.

With my thumb, I wipe the crimson away. I can’t let this happen to my sweet Sofia.

“Smash as many cars as you want. Take it all out on me. Hit me, punch me. Do whatever the hell you want. But, I won’t let you ever hurt yourself, tigritsa.”

Just saying her nickname out loud is like a kick in the gut. I am numb to any feeling. She should take it out on me. Let me carry it all.

With a head shake, she abruptly withdraws her arm from my touch, creating a physical gap between us. She has no idea how much that space is silently destroying me. With every day that passes without her, wrapped in my own guilt, I’m slowly dying.

She applies pressure to the wound and I feel sick. “You think a little cut hurts me? When you’ve already destroyed me? This is nothing in comparison, Jax.”

I open my mouth to speak and nothing follows. She’s right. That is exactly how I feel. Numb every second of the day.

I can’t let her feel anything like I do.

“Let me take you home?” I offer, I need to make sure she’s safe. She looks up at me through bloodshot eyes, studying me as her cries have subsided. I can sense her debating what to do, as her face softens, it’s like I can breathe again.

She rummages through her bag and tosses her keys at me, storming off towards her Range Rover.

She stares blankly out of the passenger window all the way home. As we pull up into the driveway, she sighs.

“At least you seem to be doing better,” she says, turning to face me.

I let out a laugh.

Doing better? I’m the furthest I could possibly be from okay. I don’t need to burden her with my real thoughts. So I nod, getting out of the car and leading her inside.

Lara eyes us both suspiciously as we walk in. A frown forms when she sees Sofia’s red face.

I keep my distance as Lara wraps an arm around a crying Sofia and walks her to the kitchen.

It isn’t until Lara’s sharp nails dig into my shoulder I’m back to reality.

“Look after her, Jax,” she says to me quietly in Russian.

“I will.”

Or at least, I can try. If she will even let me.

The door closes behind me and I slowly approach Sofia.

She doesn’t look up as she pours herself a fresh glass of wine. That need to protect her is still in me, it will never go away. Even if it’s me I have to protect her from.

“You can go, Jax,” she sniffles, turning her attention back to her drink.

I come to a stop on the other side of the counter.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay, Sof. You’re hurt.” I gesture at the drying blood on her arm.

She nods, brushing her fingers over the cut. The silence feels like a heavy weight, suffocating me.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I had answers, or even knew what I was doing that night. But I don’t.”

I spend my nights trying to remember, something, anything. Why did I do it? How did I end up in that bed? It doesn’t make any sense. I love this woman. Why did I fuck this up so badly?

“You can stay in the spare room if you want. At least you can see Maeve in the morning. I have some errands to run anyway.”

I scratch the back of my neck. We could have been spending our weekends on trips as a family. As I remember what I’ve lost, my fists clench. That was the life I wanted. That was the lifeline that rescued me from the darkest corners of my mind.

“Do you think I’ll ever be able to fix this?”

As she lowers her head, my hands begin to shake. My last bit of hope in this life is that maybe, she might forgive me. That I can get my family back.

“I don’t think you can, Jax. Not while you’re like this. The drinking, the fighting, the women. If that’s the life you want, there isn’t room for me, is there?”

My heart sinks.

“That isn’t what I want. That means nothing to me. I just don’t know how to make this better.”

This is the closest to the truth I’ve ever spoken. She rises and gives me a smile filled with sadness as she washes out her glass.

All I can see is her pity. Poor pathetic Jax.

She takes her time, drying the clean flute before putting it carefully into the cupboard. When she finally turns to me, she keeps the counter between us. “I can’t fix you. Only you can do that. You need to fight. That’s what you do best, isn’t it, Jax?”

All my fight has gone. I know I can never be the man she and Maeve deserve. All I’ll do is fuck them up. They’re better off without me. She’s right, she can’t fix me. No one can.

I can’t keep doing this to them. I refuse to be a burden on them any longer.

Fighting to keep breaking the ones I love is no longer an option. The only way they can be happy is without me.