YUUKI - To Move Forward: Prelude 1

Log #341: Academies

Rogue Slayers are some of the most dangerous and unpredictable people on Chorus. Officially referred to as “Hunters”, these unstable yet skilled fighters generally become something like mercenaries, fighting for or against whoever the buyer desires. Very few people who become Hunters ever return to a stable career, and many eventually die on the job. Thankfully, it takes a considerable level of mental volatility to become a Hunter in the first place. However, while such mental insecurity is the most common condition that leads to the life of a Hunter, depression or hopelessness can also play a large role in leading individuals down that dark path. There are rare cases in which a Hunter is restored to society, although the number of those who successfully have done so can be listed on a single hand. Essentially, when somebody becomes a Hunter, any live they had lived is over.

-General Elvira Ramos

400 BPE

This had gone on long enough. Sarah, Matthew, and even Francis had put everything they had into helping Kazu, and he shoved them away as if they were attacking him. At the campsite, Matthew was trying to reassure Sarah and get her to sleep, while Francis glared into the empty sky.

At least, that’s how I had left them. I weaved through the woods, looking directly forward. Why did this happen? What went wrong to let this darkness spread so far into our hearts? Was it because of me? Was it because I was a bad leader?

Was it my fault?

No. I had done my best to keep everyone in a good cheer, to encourage each and every member of our teams to do our best. It was no fault of mine that this dark cloud had spread throughout Chang and Marinos Squad, but his. I didn’t care what disgusting, suffering, hateful persona had dragged Kazu into blackness and taken his place—it needed to be destroyed. I had to bring light back into his eyes.

He saved me, and now it was my turn. Now was the time he needed me most.

There was no way I could let him down.

I gently nudged aside a branch, and immediately beheld the gorgeous view of a cliff overlooking a sparkling forest. The moon gently covered the forest in an ethereal, white glow as stars decorated the sky around it.

Directly over the boy, sitting silently at the edge of the cliff.

I took five tentative steps onto the slab of stone, and gazed at the mesmerizing view for a little bit longer. It was hard to look away, but I had a job to do.

I had a friend to save.

I stepped forward, and spoke.

I hated it. I hated everything. I absolutely hated everything that he had said.

But the more I hated it, the more sad I became. The more I hated it, the more I knew he was right. And that made me hate it even more.

Despite the emotions clawing at my sanity, the world didn’t seem to care in the slightest. Somehow I had stumbled upon the prettiest view on Chorus, and no matter how many times I blinked, it was still there. The full moon, basking the forest in a sparkling white light, hovered in the sky patiently, unflinching towards the hatred and disgust resting atop the cliff just below. The forest twinkled mockingly in the moonlight, without a care in the world. It seemed to be beaming at me, wrapping its peaceful arms around my being, whispering to me that everything will be okay, that I will be okay.

The very idea of everything being okay was ridiculous.

Despite everything, though, the view was mesmerizing, and the throbbing of my heart seemed to dull with every minute. The hatred lingered, but adrenaline that had pumped through my body nonstop for the last twelve hours seemed to finally find a place to rest. In its place, an unstoppable sadness flooded through me, guilt and heartache consuming the beautiful world around me. The darkness was kindly, gently devouring everything.

And all I could do was watch, eyes tainted with guilt. All I could ever do was watch.

“Isn’t that right... Junior?”

Behind me, a voice filled with sympathy and hope responded.

“Kazu...”

The voice that had smiled at the vilest of them all, that laughed with the loneliest of them all. The voice that rang with passion and spirit like no other. The voice of a girl who mirrored me, yet beared no resemblance whatsoever. The voice of somebody who could brighten the world forever. A voice that would be wasted on someone like me. That voice which embodied so much called out to me, in the dead of night, without another soul nearby. It was just me and her, yet she chose to call out. She chose to have faith in me.

The thought of that filled me with incomparable sorrow.

“...”

I tried to ask her to leave me alone, to not bother with me, to move on past the failure of a man in front of her. Instead, a raspy grunt was all that fled from my lips. I tried again to warn her to stay back, but I couldn’t even force out that same grunt again.

Pathetic.

“Kazu... What’s wrong? Please, I’d like to hear, from you, why you are acting this way. I’m not mad, I just...” She took a sharp breath, and I realized she’d said all of that without even pausing to breathe. “I just... I want to see you smile with everyone again. I want to smile with you again. And I don’t just mean a weak, empty smile. I want to laugh, and cry, and really, really smile with you again. I know that you’ve been hurting, Kazu, and it hurts me every time I think about it. So, can you please let me help you? I don’t want you to keep hurting, but I need your help if I am to do anything. Please...” Her melody began to quiver, and the words died out. Whatever reason she had for trying so hard, it must have been incredibly important to her, to get so emotional.

It was my fault she was hurting. She said so herself.

Slowly, painfully, I turned my head around, and dared to glance up at my leader. Alison’s eyes were pleading, her hands clasped together over the ruby on her chestplate. She was so much stronger than me, so much better than me, and here she was pleading for me to let her help me? Who could possibly dare make a girl of her abilities do something so disgraceful?

Me, for starters, apparently.

My eyes fell from her face, and stared at the dirt miserably. I didn’t even have the strength to respond to her. I was so insignificant, cowering in her shadow. How could I possibly say anything worth her time? I was wasting her time by being silent, too. I had to say something. Even if I felt weak, even if I wanted to erase myself, I couldn’t drag this twinkling star down with me.

“Alison... Please, just leave. Don’t concern yourself with me. I’ll just... I’ll just waste your time. I... I don’t want that, so please, please just leave!” My heart sank as I realized how loud my voice had risen, but Alison didn’t seem to care.

“‘Don’t concern my-’ What do you mean? After all this, how could you still believe that helping you is any sort of chore or burden? Is your self-esteem really so insignificant that you’ll refuse a friend’s offer to help you ‘for their sake’? That’s ridiculous! I’ve already told you, helping you helps me too—I want to do it. I’ll ask you again: how can I help you smile and laugh with everyone again? How can I help you snap out of this funk? Please tell me.”

Hesitantly, I rose to my feet, and looked at her again. A new light had taken form in her soul: an unbending determination. A determination to help me. To help this.

“You really want to help me? You know, there’s just no point. There’s no point to any of this! You’re trying to help a selfish, cowardly child who has trapped himself in the past and is too big of a weakling to wake back up! Don’t you see that? I’m... I’m nothing better than an immature failure who can’t accept something as simple as reality, even if it means turning my back on my own comrades and friends! I’m the filthy trash who pushes away extended hands, and hides behind something as stupid as an alter ego just so he doesn’t have to be strong in the face of something scary! Don’t... Don’t you see that? Can’t you see that helping a waste of potential like me is a waste of your potential? Just leave me be! I don’t want to drag anyone down any more. Not to my level.”

It wasn’t self-pity. Of course, if I were talking to some adult, that’s what they would call it. The truth was, there was nothing about myself to pity. No, I didn’t pity my sorry being.

I hated it.

I hated every aspect of my core, every selfish, childish, ignorant piece of my soul. I hated that I didn’t even have the strength to take her hand. And it was exactly because of that that I had to make her leave, for her sake.

But still, she pushed onward. “I know that it can be hard to keep living in a world like this. Sometimes it can even be unbearable, and all you want is to be alone and safe. Safe from others, safe from danger, safe from the world. To be in a little space by yourself, where you can watch the world through a safe lens, away from the heartache and pain. To hide in fear, not of pain itself, but of the idea that you won’t be able to bear the pain anymore. Trust me, I know.

“But I also know that there is so much more in this world to miss when you close up like that. I know that there are beauties that you will never see, miracles that you will never experience, feelings that you will never grow to love, if you close up from everything. It hurts, thinking of the idea of weakness, but it hurts far more shutting yourself out from everything. Because without the painful times, the good times just wouldn’t feel that good. I know that feeling. And I know that you probably hate yourself right now because of it. So that’s why. That’s why I want to be there and help you see the bright, shining miracles of life. That’s why I want to help you, because I know that you’ll see so many beautiful things if I do. And just the thought of that is enough to make me smile, and work tirelessly for that goal.” She looked back up at me, a tearful smile shining in the night. A smile that still had hope for me. A smile that dreamt of a happy ending.

It was unbearable to see that smile.

I felt that uneasiness, that dark, horrible emotion rise to the surface. Before I could turn away, I spoke.

“You... You want to help me see light? You want me to open back up to the world? Don’t you get it? That’s impossible! Something as low, horrible, and hopeless as me has no right or hope to smile like that! You look at me with those eyes, those beacons of hope and faith, and yet you’re still so blind! Why can’t you understand that I am not here to laugh! I am not here to smile and be friends, I’m here to do what I need to do, to kill those murderous, disgusting creatures that infest this world! I... I don’t need friends for that, I just need to be strong! So that I... I can kill every one of those Shade monsters! ALL OF THE-”

“SO THEN YOU’LL KILL ME, TOO, WON’T YOU?”

A cry shattered the starry sky. I’d never heard her scream like that before, but her words rang louder than the voice that gave life to them.

“W-What are you talking about? I said every Shade, so how could tha- what are you...”

When her words sunk in, a strange, twisted feeling began to fester inside me. A terrible, undeniable revelation that was both impossible and unavoidable slowly rose to the surface.

“Y-You can’t be seri- No, what are you saying?”

Alison closed her eyes, wiping away the streams of emotion that fled from her spirit. When her eyes opened again, the clear, shining blue irises that had always shone with knowledge and love glowed an ominous, unnatural crimson.

They weren’t the eyes of a human.

Contrary to her eyes, the melody that flowed from her lips remained unchanged, however trembling it was. “I- My whole family... It’s true. We aren’t normal. Never have been. Every day, from when I wake up in the morning to the time I rest my body at night, I have to be normal. Be human. I can’t let anybody see this side of me, otherwise there’s no telling what they’ll do. That is, if they don’t kill me on the spot, or, try to. Every day, I live in fear that somebody will grow suspicious, and I’ll die. Every day, I worry that somebody will find out, and my life will be over. Every day, I live exactly like anyone else, never missing a beat.

“Nobody ever noticed. I did my very best so that nobody would notice me, either, just in case. I stayed as quiet as I could, never said anything mean to or about others, and did my absolute best to love everyone around me. No matter what, I was terrified of standing out.

“That is, until you. You noticed, and kept noticing. But you didn’t notice my flaws or my fears. You noticed me. You did the one thing I never even dared to dream of, and gave me expectations. You let me be excited for tomorrow, to want to see somebody again. Never once did you turn your back to me, or eye me with suspicion. Sometime even I forgot that I was trying to hide.

“Years later, I’ve grown to realize something. I’ve realized that it’s okay to want to hide, to want to protect those around you by keeping them out of your problems. It’s okay to feel that way, but only if you can eventually move on from that feeling. It’s so much more fun to smile with people you trust, and smile at people you don’t. It feels so amazing to come out from your hiding spot, and feel the breeze of a world that isn’t so bad after all. It’s fine to be scared, because your friends will either stand right next to you, scared as well, or laugh and tell you why not to be scared. And that’s... that’s what’s so amazing about coming out of that hiding place, that safe space where all you do is look at a world of possibility and wonder. I think that you can smile, too, if you take a step into this world.

“You say that you’re a selfish, cowardly child who is too weak to escape from the past? If you can’t stand the fact that you’re selfish, then just start helping other people. Even if you don’t really care, even if you don’t really want to, just start doing it. Start acting selfless, and you’ll begin to feel selfless. When that happens, I think you’ll realize that being a little selfish isn’t so bad after all. And don’t worry about being childish or anything. Everyone matures at their own rate, and everyone will grow out of that feeling. And right now, I want to help you do just that.”

Alison took a deep breath, and put a hand to the jewel on her chest. Despite everything she said, she still somehow managed to smile. Every word she had spoken rippled through the air, stinging my heart and soul. It all rang true, but the pain that came from it was crippling. The shame, guilt, regret, spite, and fear refused to back down, to fade away.

Every word that seeped from her lips seemed to be mocking me.

“I want to help you for your sake. If it can help you, then I’ll be happy, t—”

“For my sake? For MY sake?! What the hell do you know about me?! You aren’t doing any of this for my sake, you’re just doing it because it’s easier for you! I can see what you’re trying to do; you can’t fool me! I’m just a game to you, aren’t I? I’m just here as another challenge for the great Alison Chang to overcome, and be rewarded by seeing a changed man in me. Enough with your crap! Trying to help? You know how I feel? How could you possibly know how I feel, or what I’ve seen? You weren’t there, you didn’t know them, you didn’t hear their screams! Their screams.

“I thought everything was going just fine back then. I thought we were a happy group of kids who did stupid shit and played around together day in and day out, blissfully and stupidity ignorant of the world just around the corner! When... When they all died, do you know what that was like? Can you possibly understand the guilt of watching each and every one of your friends die, as you are carried away, like some perverse victor, to safety? Could you possibly relate to living under the shade of a mountain of corpses of every friend you had ever made?

“I was there, and I’d felt every emotion there was to feel. I’d lost all of them, and experienced each pain and ache of going to school alone. Despite that, I’d somehow managed to completely forget about the whole thing! Maybe I’m not the only one who’s gone through something so horrible, but what kind of man forgets? What stone-blooded monster leaves those memories to rot just to continue on with their lives? I did. I left them all in Viscor, and started a new life here without a care in the world. Those ugly scars were ignored, and those precious memories abandoned like they never meant anything to begin with.

“And when I finally remembered all of it? I acted like an edgy brat, pretending that one bad thing that happened to me justified me acting and treating others like dirt! I wallowed in my self-hatred and misery just to avoid facing my problems head-on. Who the hell do I think I am, selfishly forcing my sick attitude on everybody around me? What sicko drags his friends down just because they remembered something bad that happened to them? Tell me!!”

My strained voice eventually gave way to a fit of panting, as my body rocked at the exposure of my sins. My entire body was shivering, but I couldn’t feel the cold. Before long, the pounding began to slow, and my sharp gasps smoothed into tired breaths. Now that I had shut up, the cliff was only as loud as the wind that brushed against my tired eyelids. In front of me, Alison stood straight, her crystal blue eyes gazing at me readily. Her legs were shaking, but she made no attempt to hide the fact.

My voice steadily returned, weak and tired. “You want to help me? Then just take care of yourself and go away. I... I don’t deserve your help, and you know it. Please, just... just leave me be.”

As my tirade disappeared into the wind, silence resumed in the world. The world behind me still sparkled, even though I had turned my back on it. The moon still hovered in the starless sky, silently judging mortal actions. Every word I had said exposed the bare, horrid truth, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. Alison had heard all of it, and there was no way to take them back.

Just like I’d said, pathetic. You can’t even talk to a girl without roaring at her like some furious tyrant.

And the silence persisted.

You’re absolutely hopeless. Someone who responds to such kindness with that fury is beyond help.

She waited there, those brilliant windows of her soul calculating, processing.

You don’t deserve such dedication. You’re a monster. You seriously do suck.

The tense tranquility around us seemed suspended in such silence for so long, a gulping noise felt like the world reawakening, resuming its course to hell.

Then she did something only I had dared to do before. Alison lowered her gaze to the smooth stone at my feet. She spoke tentatively, eyes tracing the cracks in the cliff quietly. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t know exactly how you felt, or what you went through, or the guilt and suffering you’ve endured. I can’t really imagine such things, because I’m not you. I know I’m not. And that’s not such a bad thing, is it? Maybe nobody else can relate exactly to your emotions of that day, but what people can do is share their experiences.

“I wasn’t there. I didn’t see what you saw. But I did see what I saw. I’ve seen things when I was younger, too. Most of us have. The incredible thing about that is that we can share what we’ve been through, and relate with one another how we felt. We can learn from the other’s mistakes and regrets, then teach them about our own. That’s why I’m standing here with you. I want to use my experiences, my heartaches, to guide you out of the despair and pain that I remember.

“I get that it’s not exactly the same. My pain faded away in years, and I’m asking you to do so in days, but that’s because...”

“Because what?”

“... because I believe that you have what it takes to do so. If I didn’t think, no, know that you could come back, then I wouldn’t have dared stay as long as I have. If you truly were beyond help, the I would have walked away long ago. But I haven’t yet. Do you know why?”

“Because you’re stubborn-”

“Because you’re fighting.’”

I looked up at her. Nothing was going as I’d thought. I was afraid. I was so afraid of what she would say. But I couldn’t turn away. For some reason, I couldn’t.

“You’ve been yelling, screaming, thrashing, and even begging me to give up, to leave. All this time, you’ve been fighting me as hard as possible. If you really believed yourself to be beyond help, then would you have put so much effort into pushing back? If you’d truly given up, then you would have sat back quietly while I talked to myself.

“Just take a look at yourself. Hair messy yet not unclean, black cloth and armor plating from head to toe, and a midnight sword to complete the, well, black! In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never spoken with such passion about anything, and now that you do, your excuse is that you don’t care? It looks like you care deeply, but you just don’t know how to convey it.”

“What do you mean, I...”

“You’ve been bottling it up inside for so long, you’ve forgotten how to talk about it. When you finally recovered from what happened back then, you subconsciously thought that you were too old to get any special treatment, so you acted like nothing was wrong. You pushed the memories and feelings deep down, somewhere that not even you could reach. You were so sure that nobody would comfort you and tell you what you needed to hear that you didn’t reach out for anyone, pretending to be strong like society expects of a young man. Since no one would treat the wound, you decided to hide it from society, never expecting it to fester and grow just beneath the skin.

“When I say I know what that feels like, please, believe me. I know all too well what it feels like to fear the expectations of your peers and guardians. I know what it’s like adjusting yourself to try and fit into those expectations. And most importantly, I know how wrong that was, and how horribly it turned out. Because I didn’t show how I felt, because I couldn’t believe in those who believed in me, everything fell apart, and I lost the one person who was truly precious to me.

“That’s why I want to be here, right now, for you. You’re fighting so hard right now to convince yourself that I’m just another member of a society that rejects tears and weakness, against all evidence otherwise. But more so, you are fighting against the beliefs that you’ve unconsciously held all these years. All those thoughts, those feelings that nobody would grasp your frail, trembling hand if you reached out into the cold. Nobody would embrace you, and tell you that everything would be alright in the end, that they were there for you, no matter what. You want to believe that there is such a person, but the thought is unbearable that there might not be. That fear... I know that fear like a brisk winter breeze.

“So let me help you, and show you that there is at least one person who is here with you, for you, waiting. The world isn’t all cold and grown-up. There will always be someone-” Alison extended an open hand towards me, “-whose hand you can cling to.”

I didn’t know what was anything anymore. It felt like the entire world was caving in. Every emotion that had swirled through my head now mingled and mixed together, combining into something weak. I felt so weak.

I looked back into her eyes, and forced out one final push of resistance. “Tha-that’s all you’ve got? I’m fi-fighting, so I’m secretly crying for help or something? Is that all you’re going off of?”

Surprisingly, she shook her head. “No, that’s not all. There’s one last thing that has me convinced that you are still here. The real you, that is.”

“And what’s that?” I smirked weakly.

“Well, it’s actually very simple. Despite all that you’ve said, despite all that hostility, despite your denial, you can’t hide that one giveaway of the real you. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that tears don’t lie.”

Huh?

I brought a hand up to my cheeks, carefully brushing it against the glassy surface. It was wet. At that moment, I felt all my senses come back, and the streaming tears cascading down my face became fully apparent. As the final barrier shattered and collapsed, I felt my body lurch forward as if possessed, and I lost all control of my body.

I fell.

But I never hit the ground.

Instead, a soft, comforting fabric gently embraced me, silky cloth enveloping my world, cascading me in an unfamiliar warmth. Before I knew what happened, my weary mind followed in suit with my body, and gave in to my exhaustion. After all this time I’ve been running from that terrible inferno, I could feel those burning flames flicker.

They were finally... finally...