Would You Rather: A Novel

Mia stilled as her mouth dropped open. “What if we what?”

Noah’s throat worked as he swallowed. His hands gripped his knees, but his ice-blue gaze remained steady on hers. “We could get married.” He said it in the same way he might say “next week let’s get tacos instead of chicken wings.”

Her pulse tripled, and she frowned at her body’s reaction. She just stared at him.

“I could put you on my insurance, and you could accept the scholarship. Go back to school.”

“As your wife?” she squeaked.

“Yeah.”

She remained frozen for a split second, then blinked several times, shaking her head slowly. She’d been confident Noah would come up with a plan, but never in a million years would she have come up with that. “Noah.”

“Mia.”

“You can’t be serious.” She knew he was, though. He’d one hundred percent do that for her, because that’s the kind of friend he was.

He just looked at her. He knew she knew he was serious, too.

“I would never ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t.”

She groaned. “Okay, I couldn’t let you do that.”

“What’s the big deal? It would just be on paper, and it’s not like it would be forever. You said yourself you could get a kidney any day. Then you wouldn’t need the company’s coverage anymore, and we could get a divorce. Or an annulment, I don’t really know how that works. And either way, it’s only for two years max, right? Once you have your degree and license, you’ll get a job as a dietician somewhere and have your own insurance again. We’d separate then.”

“Two years, Noah? We can’t do that. You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“What if you meet someone you want to date between now and then? You run into a nice girl at a bar and want to ask her out, but oh, wait.” She smacked the side of her head with her palm. “Can’t. You’re already married.”

He shot her a look eerily similar to the one he gave her whenever she said an outfit didn’t look good on her. Full of disbelief and borderline annoyed. “I care more about you than I do a few potential dates. What’s two years? This is your dream, Mia. Your career. Being a dietician is always what you’ve wanted to do. If I’d known you were considering going back to school, I’d have suggested it a long time ago. An opportunity like this won’t come around again. You have to take it.”

She pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes. How could he be so blasé about this? “I… No, Noah. It’s too much. You’re so sweet, but—”

He held up a hand. “Stop. Just think about it, okay? I mean this. It’s not an empty offer.”

She laughed a little. “Right. You’ve clearly given the idea of marrying me a lot of thought. Five whole minutes of it.”

“I—” he began, then seemed to think better of it. He clenched his teeth together, a muscle in his jaw flexing. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. “I know I caught you off guard.” Something about the way he said it made her think it didn’t feel the same for him. “But just consider it. Please.”

“You’re insane.” She stood and gathered her things. “You’re my best friend and I love you, but you’re insane.”

He remained where he was and let out a frustrated breath. “I’ll give you some time to work through the idea. Are we still on for Claire’s birthday tomorrow?”

Mia wanted to laugh at the routine question, slid into the ridiculous conversation they were having. “Yeah. Claire has to work, but she still wanted to go out. She’ll meet us there at eight.”

“I’ll come by your place at seven thirty to pick you up,” he said. He rose and walked to the door, opening it for her. “I mean it, Mia. Just think about it, and be ready to give me an answer.”

That night, Mia dreamed about Noah.

She’d had the dream before…several times. In reality, it wasn’t so much a dream as a memory of that night in college. She did her best not to think about it and did a pretty good job avoiding it while awake. But when she fell into unconsciousness all bets were off, and it seemed to be one of her brain’s favorite scenes to replay, sending her back in time to that party at the Sigma Chi house.

Claire had that look in her eye. The one that landed them in detention no less than five times in high school and almost got them arrested last year. “Never have I ever wanted to kiss my best friend.”

Mia quickly focused on the rules of the game…everyone who wanted to do that had to drink.

She froze. Without thinking, her gaze jerked across the table to Noah, and her stomach flipped when she locked eyes with him.

He maintained steady eye contact as he calmly took a drink.

Her heart jumped into a sprint and heat spread up her neck. She tore her gaze away and blinked, turning her attention back to Claire.

Her friend’s perfectly arched brow raised in question.

Mia’s head spun, both from the alcohol and from the way Noah had looked at her. Did that mean he wanted to kiss her? Maybe he had another best friend.

Don’t be an idiot.

She dropped her eyes to the table and lifted her own beer. She took such a big gulp she coughed, bringing more attention on herself.

Claire laughed and patted her on the back. “Well, then.” She stood, planting her hands flat on the table. “I’ll just leave you two to talk. Come on, Brad. Let’s dance.”

Brad, one of Noah’s fraternity brothers, complied, shooting Mia a wink before he set off after Claire.

Mia pulled her lips between her teeth and bobbed her knee up and down below the table. She kept her lids lowered and rotated the beer bottle between her fingers.

“Will you ever look at me again?” came Noah’s quiet voice.

Only if I know you’ll look at me like you just did.

Her voice shook. “It’s hard to say.”

A chair scraped across the floor, and the familiar scent of pine and spearmint flooded her senses. Noah’s large form settled beside her and his hand landed on her bouncing knee. She stilled and lifted her face.

She found everything she wanted in his eyes. His blue irises were soft and kind, and the tiniest hint of a smile played around his lips. And yet, something about his expression was uncertain. She slid her hand down her thigh to his hand, touching his skin with the tips of her fingers.

He swallowed. “Can we go somewhere? To talk, or…?”

She nodded.

“I—”

A set of beefy hands grasping Noah’s shoulders cut him off. “Agnew!”

Noah’s body faced Mia, and he didn’t move his torso so much as a millimeter. He craned his head back to regard the bear of a man behind him. “Yates. What can I do for you?”

“We need more beer. Your turn to buy.”

“I can’t drive.”

“I’ve got a freshman DD. Let’s go.”

Noah sighed heavily. He faced forward again and regarded Mia with apology deep in his gaze.

His fraternity was hosting the party, and she knew how these things worked. He didn’t have a choice. She gave him a small smile. “It’s fine. Go.”

He hesitated before turning back to his fraternity brother. “I’ll be right there.”

“Good man.” With a pat on Noah’s back that forced him several inches forward, Yates ambled off.

Noah lifted one hand and gripped the back of his neck. “Will you stay? Until I get back? It won’t be more than half an hour.”

She nodded.

His eyes filled with hope. “Meet me in my room?”

She opened her mouth to answer with words this time, but he suddenly held up a hand.

“No, wait. My roommate’s girlfriend is in from out of town and he, um…sort of claimed the room.” He scrunched his nose, appearing deep in thought for a second. “Mick’s gone all weekend, and he has his own room, the lucky bastard. We’ll have privacy.” He checked the time on his phone. “Can you meet me there? At twelve thirty?”

Holy shit. “Okay. Which room is his?”

“It’s—”

“Agnew!” someone boomed. “Move!”

“Calm the fuck down,” Noah called over his shoulder as he stood.

“Just go,” she said. “I’ll ask someone.”

“It’s on the second floor,” he began, and someone turned the music up, sending bass pounding through the walls. “Anyone can direct you,” he shouted, walking backward, but still facing her. “You’ll be there? Twelve thirty?”

“Twelve thirty. I’ll be there.”

Mia startled awake, heart pounding. Her eyelids fluttered and she pressed her hands into the sheets, awareness setting in.

The dream always ended in that moment, never continuing on to the disaster that set in shortly thereafter.

It was almost as if fate wanted a do-over.

She stared up at the ceiling, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. A do-over. What would she do with a second chance with Noah, if such a thing were possible? What if things had turned out different and they’d been able to meet that night like they’d planned?

She covered her face with her hands. Thinking about it was pointless. She couldn’t go back in time, and couldn’t change what happened that night, or shortly after.

Even if Noah’s proposal could be seen as a second chance (which it shouldn’t, because he was just doing it to help her out), and even if she wanted a second chance with him (which she didn’t, because their friendship was perfect), her reasons for staying out of a real relationship were still valid. Even if it were Noah, someone who loved her (like a friend) and cared about her well-being, he still didn’t deserve the burden of her illness. It was time-consuming, costly, and stressful. It came with a lot of unknowns, and that was something she was determined to shoulder alone.

It was bad enough her parents had to foot the early medical bills. She’d never be able to repay them.

Her hands slid down her face a little, as a new realization set in. She’d have a better chance of giving them some money back, if she had a better paying job. She wouldn’t become rich as a dietician, but she’d probably double her current salary as an administrative assistant. She could keep her current expenses and put aside a little every month for them.

They wouldn’t accept it, a voice in the back of her mind argued.

That was beside the point. It was the principle—the fact that she tried. Even that would lessen her guilt, if only a fraction.

She’d barely spoken to her parents in two years, and couldn’t put her finger on exactly why she felt she owed them so much after learning of their deception. Her conscience argued it was probably because they were so good to her for the first twenty-eight years of her life, but she wasn’t quite ready to make peace yet.

She missed them more every day, so maybe she was getting there.

She glanced at the clock—ten minutes before her alarm. There was no point in closing her eyes again, so she got out of bed and got ready for work.

When she arrived at her desk, she found two things.

One, her entire computer was covered in plastic wrap. Tower, screen, keyboard, mouse. All of it. And thick, too—her computer could survive an explosion with the multilayered protection around it.

Two, a steaming cup of coffee from her favorite coffee shop.

She hadn’t even looked up yet, but she knew she’d find Noah’s light on. She was often the first one in, and when his car was in the lot before hers, it was usually because he’d arrived early to mess with her workspace. She grabbed the warm drink that smelled like caramel heaven and walked to his office.

She stopped in the doorway, fixing him with her best glare, trying to pretend he hadn’t completely thrown her for a loop last night.

He didn’t even look up. “Morning.” He said it like nothing was out of the ordinary.

And in a way, it wasn’t. This was standard operating procedure. Last Friday she’d covered everything on his desk with Post-it notes.

It was that pesky proposal that had her stomach turning over itself, but she wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up.

“Your use of plastic isn’t good for the environment,” Mia said.

“Recycle it.” He still hadn’t looked away from his computer screen. A single pink Post-it remained on the back, and she wondered if he’d missed it.

“You gonna help me get it off?”

“Did you help me the time you put cups of water around my desk like a castle moat?”

She had not.

She took a sip of her coffee, savoring the sweet flavor. He knew exactly how she liked it. Without conscious thought, she let out a little sigh.

She lowered the cup to find his gaze on her face.

A few seconds of silence passed and he leaned back in his leather chair. “Stop thinking so hard and just marry me already.”

She nearly dropped hot coffee all over her shoes. Her eyes darted to the open doorway.

“No one else is here,” he said, guessing what she was thinking.

Still, she turned and closed his door before sitting across from him. She cupped the warm drink between her palms, unsure how to begin.

“Mia.” His voice was low and even.

“Noah.” Hers came out unusually high-pitched.

She kept her eyes on his immaculate desk.

“Look at me.”

Something in his voice forced her eyes to his. He looked at her the same way he always did—with focus, friendly affection…maybe a hint more intensity than usual. But overall, he just looked at her like he was Noah and she was Mia.

So what was it about this moment that had her breath trapped in her lungs?

“Don’t make this a bigger deal than it is,” he finally said.

That sent an exhale between her lips. “Marriage isn’t a big deal? Insurance fraud isn’t a big deal?”

He pursed his lips and glanced around briefly, as if to confirm his earlier assertion they were alone. “Insurance fraud isn’t why you’re hesitating.”

Dammit, why did he know her so well?

He just watched her for a few seconds. “I usually don’t have to ask what you’re thinking.”

Funny, she felt the exact opposite about him.

“Noah, it’s too much.”

“It’s not. It’s signing a piece of paper. I’ll even let you pay the court fees if it would make you feel better.” He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his desk. His sleeves were rolled up, revealing the dark ink covering the inside of his left forearm.

Her eye caught on the words the sun will rise and we will try again less than two inches above his wrist. If he slid his sleeve a little higher, she’d see a mountain.

“Don’t focus on the short term. Think about what it could mean in the long run. We do this, what—for a few months, a year? Maybe two? Until your time comes and you get a transplant? Then it’s over, and what did we lose? Nothing. What did we gain? You took a chance on an opportunity that could lead to the career you’ve always wanted.”

“What did you gain?”

“The knowledge that I helped my friend achieve her dream. Lifelong happiness.”

“What if you meet someone—”

“I won’t.”

“Noah.”

“Mia. I don’t care about that.” His eyes dropped to his hands for a second before he looked back at her. His next words were so quiet she almost didn’t catch them. “You mean more to me.”

Her mind skipped back to that night in college, and a tiny part of her wondered if they’d made a mistake. What if…?

She swallowed and glanced away. “What if we got caught?”

“We wouldn’t. We’ve been friends for decades. It’s completely plausible we’ve been pining after each other all these years and finally decided to do something about it. No one else needs to know the situation.”

“Don’t you think your dad would know? If I quit, we got married, you put me on your insurance…he’d know something was up.”

“Let me deal with my dad.”

Her face must have revealed her doubt, because he kept going.

“My dad loves you like you’re his daughter. Even if he suspected something, he’d never say anything.”

Was she actually considering this? “I’d leave him in a lurch.” She waved a hand in the direction of the lobby.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but we can find another administrative assistant. Maybe even one who doesn’t pry the letters off my keyboard once a week.”

She grinned at that. “You’d probably move offices if I left.” He hated being so close to the lobby.

“Probably.”

She leaned back, slumping against the cushion. “I—I can’t, Noah.” She closed her eyes, wishing… For what, she didn’t know. Just…wishing.

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both.”

“Because you don’t want to marry me? Or because you don’t want to put me out?”

She sat up and frowned. “Both, I guess.”

“Wow. Okay.”

“Noah, you’re my best friend. I love you, you know that. But I don’t want to marry you because it’s not fair to you. And because it would be too much of a burden.”

“So, it’s all because of how you think it affects me? It has nothing to do with hating the idea of being married to me? Or because you’d be embarrassed to introduce me as your husband?”

“Of course not,” she said, surprised he’d even think that. “I’d be proud to call you that. But we’re friends. We’re not in a relationship. It’s…weird.”

“Lots of people get married in name only.”

“Is that the marriage you’ve always envisioned for yourself? A fake one?”

“Is this the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself? In a job with no potential for growth, while your dream of improving childhood nutrition passes you by?”

“I hate it when you do that.”

He stilled. “Do what?”

“Answer a question with a question.”

“Well,” he said with a shrug. “This is about you, not me.”

“It’s about both of us!”

“It’s really not.” He stood and walked around his desk, then sat in the chair beside her. He took her free hand, and she dropped her eyes to his large warm fingers encompassing hers. A tingling sensation traveled up her arm. “My mind is made up. I want to do this for you. You just have to let me.”

She stared at their hands for a moment, then lifted her eyes to his face. His ice-blue gaze was concentrated, but gentle. He pulled the corner of his lower lip between white teeth, waiting.

His desk phone rang, the tone piercing through the air. Noah released her hand and leaned over to look at the caller ID. “I need to get that.”

Mia leapt to her feet. “Sure. We’ll talk later.” She went for the door.

“Mia.”

She stopped with her fingers on the handle and kept her back to him.

“Do one thing for me.” The phone kept ringing.

“What is it?” Her voice wavered like it always did when she was uneasy.

She rarely felt that way around Noah.

“Do me a favor and consider both options. One, be my wife for a little while so you can start your career as Colorado’s best registered dietician. Two, don’t be my wife and stay in a job you think is just okay, forever. It’s your choice.” He paused for a second. “You always say you value my opinion, and that’s why you tell me everything. So here it is: if I were you, I’d think about the one I’d regret less, and pick that one.”