Would You Rather: A Novel

Noah stood in his bedroom staring into his closet.

He hadn’t forgotten anything. He’d packed with careful attention and precision, as always.

He was stalling.

From the day he’d called Graham to see if it was possible to get in on the ice-climbing trip, part of him had hoped it weren’t possible, or that something would fall through. But Graham had had no problem making arrangements, and the rest of October and first week of November passed by without a single bump in the road. Their friends Hugh and Chris were happy to have him along for a team of four.

Aside from feeling guilty for taking a vacation right after James had allowed him to return to work—on probation, of course—he’d almost called things off on his own twice. The first time was when Mia first made amends with her parents. It had hurt like hell when she’d declined his offer to go with her that day, like a direct hit to his already bruised heart. He’d been unsure how it would go, and wouldn’t have left if she’d been in some kind of emotional turmoil over the whole thing. Was that reverting back to the very behavior that forced them apart a few weeks ago, and that Mia maintained was the whole reason they couldn’t be together? Maybe.

Okay, yes.

But it wasn’t a switch he could just turn off.

Turned out he didn’t have to choose, though, because things seemed okay between them. She’d spent several hours with her parents that first day, and had had dinner with them twice more since. It was slow going, but things were going well. She even planned to spend Thanksgiving with them.

The change in Mia was noticeable, as if a burden had been lifted.

The second time he almost bailed was after an office visit with her nephrologist last week. The doctor had sent her straight from the office to the hospital for an overnight stay. Respecting her request that he not stay the night up there with her had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done. When he’d asked if everything was okay, she said she just needed help to filter things through her body because her kidneys weren’t doing it well enough, like it wasn’t a big deal.

Sure as hell sounded like it was.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” she’d said. “It just means I can get a transplant sooner, which is what we want.”

He’d spent several nights since lying awake, thinking and worrying. The only reason he was still going away was because she’d seemed completely fine when she got home, and those words had been a scrolling marquee in his mind, his brother’s voice a constant reminder:

The thing we fear most has the greatest reward.

“Let’s go!” Graham called from the front of the house, pulling Noah out of his thoughts.

He let out a growl, even though no one could hear him.

A feminine voice sounded nearby. “What was that?”

He whirled around to find Mia a few feet behind him. She offered him a crooked smile and took several steps in his direction. Close enough he could smell her and see the few tiny freckles on the bridge of her nose.

“Are you hiding?” she asked.

He grunted, unsure how steady his voice would be.

She nodded thoughtfully, as if his response had been a normal one. “Graham’s pacing out there. He’s gonna wear a hole in your floor.”

Your floor. For a while there, when things had been good, she’d begun referring to this house as theirs. Ours.

“He’ll be fine,” Noah finally said, wishing his voice didn’t sound like he’d swallowed a handful of gravel.

A knowing look entered her eye. “So will I,” she said quietly.

He dropped his chin to his chest and let out a shaky breath. Don’t make me do this, he wanted to say.

But that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just for her, as much as he wanted to pretend it was. This trip was important for him, too.

“It’s the trip of a lifetime,” she said. “If you don’t go, you’ll regret it.”

His gut twisted with a swirl of emotions. “That’s what Nathan always said. Ice climbing would be the experience of a lifetime.” His brother had done so much research, convinced he’d go someday. If someone had told him he’d die before he got the chance, he’d have laughed in their face. One of the reasons why it hurt so damn much. “There are so many things I wish I could ask him. I wish I could tell him every detail.”

Was it strange to talk to her like this with the way things were between them? They hadn’t had any real conversations since their fight. But surely they’d always be friends, no matter what. She was the person who knew him better than anyone, and they’d been through a lot together.

They’d been through everything together.

Her soft gaze met his. “So ask him. Tell him. When you’re on the mountain—because I guarantee if heaven is real, that’s where he is—he’ll be able to hear you.”

He didn’t have it in him to put up a front when she said things like that. And she was right, as usual. If he’d ever find closure, it would be while he was a thousand feet in the air, holding on with his fingers and toes with the wind at his back.

He failed to keep his voice steady. “And here I thought I wasn’t going to cry today.”

“I’ll be thinking about you.”

He ground his back teeth together as he looked at her. Her eyes were full of determination, but also something else, and he realized maybe she needed him to go, too. Maybe this was more than proving he’d taken her concerns to heart. What if she was nervous too, and needed to prove to herself she’d be fine without him after months of being together?

He hated the space between them right now. He hadn’t touched her in weeks, his empty hands, bed, and heart taunting him for his mistakes. For taking this back to the very place it started. Back to the what ifs.

But it had to be this way, because if he touched her now as he teetered on this precipice, he couldn’t be responsible for his actions. Chances were he’d drop to his knees and beg her to kiss him, and forgo the trip altogether.

So when she took a step forward, he sucked in a breath and moved back an inch, his back hitting the wall. She stopped short, closer but not touching. Her lips parted and her eyes searched his.

No telling what she saw reflected there, but for some reason it made her sway toward him.

“Fuck’s sake,” Graham mumbled from the doorway. “You had all night to say goodbye.”

Mia spun around and stepped away. Noah remained where he was, chest tight and muscles tense.

If only they’d spent last night the way Graham assumed, maybe he wouldn’t be such a mess right now.

Or maybe he’d be worse.

“Yeah. I’m coming.” He pushed off the wall and passed her as he followed Graham to the door.

Claire was in the kitchen with a cookie in her hand, scrolling through her phone.

Graham opened the door and put his hand on the wood. “Hey, Claire, you gonna give me some sugar before I go?”

“Nope.”

“Then why are you even here?”

“Mia said Noah would be more likely to leave if I pretended like I’d be staying here with her while he’s gone.”

Noah shot up from where he’d bent down to get his backpack. “Wait, you’re not—”

“Claire!” Mia whisper-yelled, giving Noah a push from behind. That contact alone sent a shock through him, and he barely processed her muttered, “Stop worrying and just go,” before finding himself with Graham on the porch, the door slammed shut behind them.

Graham blinked. “Damn.”

Noah frowned, glancing back and resettling his bag on his shoulder. “I know.”

Graham shrugged, already over it. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together with excitement. “Ready for this?”

Noah’s legs felt like concrete as he followed his friend down the steps. “As I’ll ever be.”

Noah and Graham met their friends at the airport, and two hours later were on a plane to the Great White North. Graham sat next to Noah, calm as could be, while Noah signaled to the flight attendant for another rum and Coke.

“Dude,” Graham said with a laugh. “Chill.”

Noah ignored him and leaned his head against the seat.

Hugh and Chris had claimed seats in the row in front of them. Hugh appeared in Noah’s line of vision, his face pressed in the space between the seats. “Noah, you okay, man?”

Chris’s hand appeared at the top of the seat in front of Graham, and he went up on one knee to twist around and regard Graham and Noah behind him. He never was one to miss out on a conversation. “Yeah, what’s going on?”

“I’m fine, guys.”

Graham shook his head solemnly. “Is this what love does to you? If so, I want no part of it.”

Chris laid his chin on the headrest, still facing them. He fluttered his eyelashes and grinned at Noah. “Aw, are you in love, Noah?”

Noah glared at him, but Chris only laughed. He cracked his knuckles, wishing he could relax and laugh with them. But he felt like a caged animal, pacing in a tiny space, desperate to get out. He’d never been claustrophobic or afraid of flying, and certainly not afraid of heights, or else rock climbing would have been a terrible recreational choice. What was his deal all of a sudden? Unease prickled the back of his neck, and his heart raced.

He focused on breathing and told himself Mia would be fine.

He hadn’t wanted to leave her, but it wasn’t just that. This felt like more than concern for his wife.

Graham’s smile faded as he eyed Noah. He shoved his hand forward through the split in the seats, pushing Hugh back.

“What the—” Hugh protested.

Graham waved his hand at Chris hanging off the back of his seat. “Give us a minute, will you?”

Chris’s eyebrows rose, but he did as asked.

Graham spoke loud enough for Noah to hear, but low enough that the low roar of the engine ensured no one around them could.

“You’re thinking about Nathan, aren’t you?”

Noah darted his gaze to the restrooms at either end of the plane, and found both lights on, indicating they were occupied.

Dammit.

“Come on. Let’s get everything out in the open now,” Graham continued. “This is gonna be a long damn trip if this is what I’ll be dealing with.”

Noah snapped his gaze to his friend’s. “Doesn’t this feel wrong to you?”

“Wrong?” Graham appeared taken aback. “Of course it feels wrong. It feels that way every time we climb without our third man. I think about it every damn time we’re hanging off the side of a mountain and I remember his stupid laugh, or his steady ‘place hand, move feet’ chant, and how he’d cry every time we made it to the top like some pansy-ass. Climbing made him so fucking happy, and it’s never been the same since he’s been gone.”

Stunned, Noah could only stare at him. They rarely spoke of Nathan, and even though Noah assumed Graham missed him, he hadn’t realized just how much.

Graham turned away to face to the window for a few long beats, and Noah stared at the navy leather of the seat in the row ahead of him.

“But,” Graham finally said, voice thick. “Remembering how much it meant to him is exactly why I won’t stop. It’s my way of honoring him and his legacy. I love it, don’t get me wrong. Nothing compares to standing at the top of a mountain I just climbed with my bare hands. I’ve never found anything else that makes me feel so powerful, while at the same time so insignificant. But when I think about skipping a trip, or taking a break for a while, I always think, ‘Nathan would have wanted to go. And since he can’t, I should do it for him.’”

Noah gripped his thighs, wishing the flight attendant would arrive with his drink already. It was too early in the morning for a conversation of this magnitude.

But Graham was right—it was best to get past everything now. For the safety of every person on the trip, he needed to be able to focus once they were on the ice.

“I know what you mean,” Noah said. “You know part of the reason I’ve limited myself is because I didn’t want to leave Mia. But that aside, when it comes to Nathan, it’s different for me than it is for you.”

Graham nodded. “I know. He was your brother.”

“I don’t mean just that. I mean the fact that I’m the reason he died. I struggle with the idea of doing these things he can’t, because if it weren’t for me, he’d still be here.”

Graham’s subdued expression transformed to shock. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

Noah crushed the empty plastic cup in his hand. “I made Nathan drive that night. It was the middle of the night and I’d been drinking, and I should have waited until morning, but I didn’t care. I’m the reason we were on the road in the dark, and if it wasn’t for me he’d still be here.”

Scratching at his cheek, Graham appeared confused. “We’ve never talked about that night, but it sounds like this conversation is long overdue.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I always remembered you were out of it that night.”

It was the understatement of the century, and nothing Noah didn’t already know. It was the next thing Graham said that caught him off guard.

“But I never realized how much. Because what you just said isn’t how I remember things going at all.”