Would You Rather: A Novel

The following morning, Mia found Noah sitting shirtless at the kitchen table. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the still-dark room and his hands were wrapped around a mug, his head bent low.

She watched him for a second, unsure if he sensed her presence. She’d slept terribly, thinking about him all night. Thinking about what they’d said, and how things had changed between them these last few weeks.

She wanted to stay with him so much it hurt.

He ran a hand through his hair, keeping his head bowed, and she walked up behind him, unable to stop herself from admiring the toned muscles in his back and shoulders. She touched him gently, sliding her palms across his shoulders and down his arms, curving her body around his. Her head came to rest next to his, her lips a breath away from the pulse in his corded neck. She inhaled deeply and took a moment to feel his hard, living body beneath hers.

He didn’t move.

He didn’t push her away, either.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It changed nothing about their situation, but it was still the truth.

It took him several beats to respond. “I know.”

There was nothing else to say, so she didn’t even try. He wouldn’t want useless words, anyway. She wasn’t ready to walk away yet, though. From this moment or from their current relationship. Whatever they were doing and for however long it lasted, she intended to absorb every second.

He shifted and for a second, she thought he would get up and leave. Instead, he scooted his chair back and grabbed her waist to pull her into his lap. He buried his face in her hair, his thick arms holding her tight.

Her heart clenched, a lump forming in her throat. She blinked back tears and squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on his warm breath on her neck.

She loved this man more than she’d ever thought possible. Loved him beyond reason.

Beyond herself.

She was so desperate for him to be happy. He was a man who wanted to see the world and experience adventure. He loved to travel and push the limits of his body. He needed freedom. Being with her would only hold him back, even if he didn’t see it now. In ten or twenty years, when he was too old to do those things anymore, he’d resent her for preventing him from going when he had the chance, even if he said it was self-imposed. He’d wish he’d done things differently, and they’d both know she was the reason.

She could bear his frustration with her now.

She’d never be able to live with his regret.

He spoke softly into her hair, his words muffled, and goose bumps flitted across her skin. Just as she was about to ask him to repeat himself, he spoke again.

“I’m in love with you.”

Oxygen stalled in her lungs. The hollow in her chest expanded, filling with affection and agony, the most beautiful and painful sensation. Was this how women felt during childbirth—hating the pain but knowing with certainty it was worth it?

The tip of his nose brushed lightly across her skin and she shivered. His voice was deep and throaty as he said it again. “I love you, Mia. I love you so fucking much it hurts.”

She turned, adjusting her legs to straddle him, taking his face in her palms. His hands anchored themselves on her lower back and his usually bright blue eyes were muted, the misery in their depths unfamiliar and hard to stomach.

She pressed her lips to his, savoring his soft, warm flesh. Pulling back, she waited until their gazes locked again. “I love you, too.”

Nothing in his expression changed. She knew he heard her with the way his grip on her back tightened briefly, but he didn’t respond. He simply stared at her, as if their love was a curse rather than a blessing.

Maybe he was right.

And then his hand slid up to curve around her neck and he pulled her mouth to his. This kiss was hot and rough, nothing like the featherlight brush from moments ago. He crushed her to his body and drove his tongue into her mouth as she gripped his shoulders, responding with equal urgency.

A groan rumbled in his chest, deep and raw, and she moaned. His hands slid low to hold her up as he stood and carried her to his room.

“Don’t sleep in the guest room again,” he growled into her ear as he approached the bed. “As long as you’re here, this is where you belong.”

“What did you bring us today?” Barbara asked, briskly rubbing her hands together.

An infusion pump beeped nearby. Mia grinned and reached for her purse, the stretched leather under her legs squeaking with the movement. “Energy balls.”

Natasha, who had been setting up the IV access tray, paused and made a face. “Energy balls?”

“Don’t look at me like that.” Mia straightened and held out a small foil-wrapped package to each woman. “Try them. You’ll see.”

“I don’t mean to complain about the free snacks…” Natasha started. “But I gotta ask, what’s going on with you lately? Last week you brought mini scones from Whole Foods. They were delicious, but they were store-bought. And now energy balls? This is unlike you, Mia.”

Mia held back a laugh. “They’re no-bake. Took like, ten minutes to make.”

“Why are you blushing?” Barbara asked curiously.

Her face got hotter and she pressed a fist against her thigh. “I, um… I used to bake in the evenings, you know? After work and stuff. But lately I’ve been…” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Busy.”

Natasha burst out laughing, and Barbara let out a low whistle. “Oh my. To be a newlywed again…”

“Anyway,” Mia said pointedly. “You’ll take these energy balls and keep quiet.”

Barbara peeled back the wrapping and eyed one suspiciously.

“Seriously? It’s not like I’m giving you Brussels sprouts.”

“I love Brussels sprouts,” Barbara defended.

“So do I,” Mia said. “These are better.”

“What’s in them?”

“Peanut butter, chia seeds, sunflower butter, chocolate chips, oatmeal…”

“If you hadn’t said chocolate I’d be out,” Natasha said. “Let me know what you think, Barbara. Then I’ll decide if I want to try it.”

Mia frowned. “You’re not gonna stick me twice are you?”

Natasha laughed. “Of course not.”

As promised, she made quick work of starting Mia’s IV (on the first try) and went back to her computer.

Mia’s phone buzzed. It was a message from Noah that read Tattoo idea, followed by a drawing of Noah’s ark.

She laughed and replied, Cute, but no. When she looked up her eye caught on the TV mounted on the wall, playing the Travel Channel as usual, and a sudden dullness settled in her chest.

“Everything okay?” Barbara asked from beside her.

Mia regarded the older woman who had become a friend. Barbara was kind, thoughtful, and easy to talk to, so rather than deflecting, she pointed at the screen. “That’s Kingsbarns. It’s this incredible golf course in Scotland. My dad and I used to talk about taking a trip to play there.”

“It’s beautiful,” Barbara agreed. “So why on earth do you look like Natasha just told us she quit?”

She hesitated, unsure why she was about to talk to Barbara about her parents, but wanting to all the same. She’d been missing them more than usual lately. She’d found herself wanting to tell her mom about how wonderful it was being married to Noah and talk to her dad about her favorite professor at school. Getting an outside opinion sounded kind of nice, especially from someone who hadn’t been there through the whole mess.

“Things with my parents are…difficult. We’re not exactly estranged, but close to it.”

“What happened?”

“Remember how I told you I’m adopted?”

Barbara nodded.

“I didn’t know until two years ago. My parents never told me, and I don’t think they planned to. It came out when I was first worked up to be put on the kidney transplant list. They asked everyone in my family to be tested because they’d be the most likely to be a match. My parents sort of had to come clean at that point.” She looked down at her shoes. “I was completely blindsided. I’ve never been that angry. I felt so betrayed.”

Barbara’s lips dipped at the corners, her eyes sympathetic. “Oh, honey.”

“I think what made it worse is I already felt so guilty because of my illness. Even though I take care of it now, because I was so young when I was diagnosed, they took on a lot of debt from all the early costs. That first hospital stay, plus months of specialists, scans, and procedures to figure out what was wrong, was ridiculously expensive. Watching them make sacrifices for me for years was tough already, and then during the stress of learning things were getting worse and I’d need a kidney transplant, they dropped that bomb on me. My parents got stuck with medical bills because of a genetic mutation I inherited from someone else. They had to sell the house I grew up in. They live in an apartment across town. My mother, who loved nothing more than to spend the entire weekend tending to her garden, doesn’t even have a square foot of grass to take care of. They’ll never have the money to travel all the places they wanted to go. And it’s because of me.”

Barbara waited a few seconds before she replied. “That sure is a lot to carry for something you had no control over.”

Mia tucked her hands under her thighs. “There’s a lot of bad luck in there,” she agreed. “But there was also a secret they kept from me, and that was a choice. I was so overwhelmed when I found out, and I just… I didn’t know what to think. Or do. We had a huge fight and I said I didn’t want to see them anymore. I’ve only spoken to them on the phone a few times since.”

Barbara’s eyes darted to the television, still showing sweeping scenes of the lush greens overlooking the ocean, then came back to Mia. “You don’t have to answer this, but did they ever give a reason? For not telling you?”

“They tried to explain, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t, and still don’t, see the point. Nothing would make that okay.”

“Are you sure?” Barbara asked gently. “I’m not taking their side—I can only imagine how hurtful that was for you. And you have a right to know where you came from. But if they were loving parents up until that point, isn’t it possible their side of the story is worth at least hearing?”

“No.” The response was automatic, a justification for her actions for the past two years. But was it fair? “Maybe,” she amended. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know, either.” Barbara sighed with a little hum, like this is a tough one.

“Part of me wants to talk to them about it,” Mia admitted. “But it’s because I have this pipe dream things can go back to the way they used to be. Before I knew and before I got sick. And that will never happen, so I just…don’t.”

“I get that. I wish for some things in the past, too. But you don’t seem content with how things are now. Are you?”

“No.”

“So maybe just think about talking to them, you know? Hear them out. It might not help anything and you can go back to the way things are now. But on the other hand, maybe you’ll get some answers you wish you’d had a long time ago and a relationship with them will be possible after all. If you want one, that is.”

“I think I do. Someday.” She just hadn’t been ready, as evidenced by the unopened letter she’d carried to Noah’s house. She was close, now, though. Closer than ever before.

Surely there was some explanation on those pages; she just had to gather the courage to open it.