What I Should’ve Said

Tuesday, November 9th

Norah

With Bennett’s new paintbrush tucked in my mouth, I grab the mug of coffee I just made in one hand and my laptop in the other and rush to the side door of the house to get to the studio.

For the past few weeks, he’s been back in his studio and painting. And with the pace he’s been going lately, I know he’s been up and working for hours. But when it comes to me being able to wake up in the mornings and start my day when he starts his, this pregnancy is kicking my ass.

I’m halfway there when my phone rings in my pocket, and I have to shuffle to figure out how I can free up a hand. Bennett’s log-splitting station is nearby, so I make a quick jog, set down the steaming coffee, and grab my phone out of my pocket just as the ringtone is coming to an end.

There’s no time to look at the caller, so on a wing and a prayer, I put it up to my ear and say, “Hello?”

“Hi there. May I speak with Norah Ellis, please?”

My eyebrows knit together slightly. “This is she.”

“Hi, Norah. My name’s Amanda. I’m Dr. Vesper’s nurse, calling from Burlington Women’s Group. Dr. Vesper wanted me to call to let you know that we got the results of the genetic testing back from your blood work.”

Tears sting my eyes as every emotion flashes through me in a blink. Hope and worry and happiness and a sad, deep longing for Summer. Missing her is just part of who I am now. And I know that goes for Bennett, too, but on an even deeper level.

Two weeks after he proposed and we reunited, I had my first ultrasound, and the audible sounds of our baby’s heartbeat brought us both to tears. It felt like Summer was in the room with us. Like she was right there, watching the screen, and witnessing her little brother or sister move around in my belly.

But ever since then, in the back of my mind, I’ve been waiting on pins and needles to find out the results of my blood work.

“Do you have a minute for me to go over them with you?”

I inhale a deep breath and brace myself. “Yes.”

It doesn’t matter that I’m standing in the middle of the frigid outdoors of Vermont in November or that I was already running behind. I’d stop in a pool of fresh lava to hear this without delay.

“Okay, great. Let’s see. As far as genetic abnormalities…we didn’t find any. With the risk of OI, we’ll likely do another ultrasound at eighteen weeks or so to be conclusive, but Dr. Vesper is fairly confident we’re looking at a happy, healthy baby.”

I swallow hard, putting a hand over my mouth to stop a sob. Everything inside me feels like it’s just been released from a vise. “We can also tell you the sex, if you’d like. Is that something you’re interested in knowing, or would you like to wait?”

Truly, I hadn’t even considered whether we’d find out or not, but right now, in this moment, I know with absolute certainty. “I want to know.”

“Well then, congratulations. It’s a girl!”

It’s all I can do to get out a shaky, “Thank you,” and hang up the phone before stumbling through fallen leaves the rest of the way into Bennett’s studio. His coffee cup is forgotten, and if the dang thing wasn’t so expensive, I definitely would have left the laptop behind too.

As it is, I carry it just inside the door and ditch it as soon as I can. A leaf sticks to my bare foot, and I lean down to pull it off.

Like a lightning bolt, it hits me.

The leaves that’ve hit me in the face every time I’ve gone to Summer’s grave, the leaves at my feet, the leaf I just pulled away… Summer may be gone for now, but our sweet girl made sure to bring us the next season.

“Autumn,” I say, startling Bennett from his work as he notices my red-mottled skin and altogether rattled exterior for the first time.

“What? Jeez, Norah, are you okay? How long were you outside like that?” He rushes toward me, putting down his brushes and wiping his hands before pulling me into his arms and rubbing at mine vigorously to encourage more circulation.

“I’m fine. I’m good. Actually, I’m great. I…well, I stopped to take a phone call from the OB’s office.”

Bennett’s entire body freezes.

“They were calling to tell me that the genetic testing came back normal.” His eyes fall closed, and I swear I feel the sting of his tears in my own nose. “And they also told me it’s a girl.”

He pulls back slightly, his entire body rigid, but his blue eyes warm with emotion. “A girl?”

“A girl.” I smile through the tears that are now making their way down my cheeks. “And I want to name her Autumn.”

His voice is a whisper. “Norah.”

“This baby is a gift from Summer, Ben. I know it in my heart and soul. Our Summer brought us Autumn.”

Bennett nods, his throat no doubt too clogged to talk at first. When he finds the words, they’re noticeably raspy. “It’s perfect.”

His lips find mine, and I give in to the feeling I get every time they do. It’s comfort and happiness and right on the edge of passion. It’s the kind of kiss that you want to repeat over and over and over again for as long as you live.

I giggle softly when he finally pulls back, and his lips find my neck, working a line from my chin down to my collarbone. “I have to go make you a new cup of coffee. I left the first one out in the cold.”

He snorts, and the vibration of air is enough to make me tingle all the way to my toes. “Probably a good place for it.”

I guffaw. “Excuse me! I’ve gotten a lot better at coffee-making, I’ll have you know.”

He laughs. “Not better enough.”

“Fine, then. Get your own coffee, why don’t you?”

Bennett smiles. “I will. But I’m going to get something else first.” He lifts me up by the hips, and I gasp, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and my legs around his waist.

My heart races with excitement as he carries me to the drop cloth in front of his current work in progress and lays me down. Slowly and reverently, Bennett works his way from the top of my body to the bottom with his lips, worshiping every inch of exposed skin and pulling back my clothes to reveal the rest. I shiver once, but when the heater kicks on in the small space and Bennett removes my panties, I don’t feel cold anymore.

And then his lips seal over me between my legs, and the whole notion of being anything but incredibly hot ceases to exist.

“Ben,” I moan softly, letting my thighs fall open as much as I can so he has room to work. It’s not my natural inclination—normally, I’m a thigh-clencher—but I’ve been trying to work on it for the good of the reward.

I sink my fingertips into his hair as he swirls his tongue around my clit, and my back arches off the floor in silent applause. Over and over, he uses his tongue to stimulate my nerves, and I wriggle my back against the makeshift pallet restlessly. All that tension I released is back, but this time, it’s like the sting on Cupid’s bow, fighting for release.

Bennett’s groan of pleasure at my excitement vibrates against me, and in a blaze of glory, I come in a huge, overwhelming wave that arches my back off the floor.

It’s bliss.

The orgasm, the moment, but more than anything, the life this runaway bride with a dark secret managed to find.

Wednesday, June 9th

I wake up with a start and look toward the crib beside our bed. It’s empty and I sit up, utterly confused. My head whips toward Bennett’s side, but when I find that empty too, I crawl off the mattress and head out of our room.

My bare feet tap against the hardwood floor as I head down the hallway, but the closer I get to the kitchen, the more my ears can make out the soft sounds of music.

With only a dim light filling the room, Bennett is holding our almost-two-week-old Autumn against his chest, and a song by Depeche Mode plays from the wireless Bluetooth speaker on the island. She looks so small against his big frame as he sways her back and forth to the beat and quietly sings the lyrics into where his lips rest on the top of her tiny, blond-hair-covered head.

I’ve never taken the time to really listen to the poignant lyrics of this song, “Enjoy the Silence,” but as I hear Bennett’s deep voice caress around them, one tear slips from my lids and down my cheek.

This is all I’ve ever wanted and needed, too.

I think about Bennett’s wild past. I think about what he is capable of and how Thomas looked when he was on the receiving side of his anger. I think about Summer and the precious bond she had with him. And I think about Autumn and me and how safe and protected I feel because of Bennett.

Little girls really do have the power to tame the baddest of men.

The more I watch them, the more I watch Bennett press kisses to the top of Autumn’s sleeping head and the way his big hands tenderly hold her against his chest, the more I feel myself falling in love with him all over again.

I love this man with every fiber of my being, and I swear, that love only grows each day, only roots itself deeper into my soul.

I don’t know how long I silently stand here or how long it takes Bennett to notice me, but when his eyes meet mine, a smile lifts both corners of his mouth.

“Our girl was a little fussy, so I fed her a bottle, but I was hoping you’d stay sleeping,” he whispers toward me.

I walk over to join their little dance, wrapping my arms around his shoulders so that Autumn is carefully hugged between the two of us.

“I love you so much,” I whisper toward him, and he leans forward to press a kiss to my forehead.

“I love you too.”

“I want to marry you.”

He smirks. “Well, that’s good news, because that’s the plan.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I mean, I want to marry you now. As soon as possible.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I want to get married in July. In summer.”

His eyes search mine. “Norah, I really love the sentiment, but you just had a baby, sweetheart. Don’t you think we should wait until next July? I’m sure our sweet Summer wouldn’t mind if we wait another year to say ‘I do.’”

“I don’t care,” I answer honestly. Because I don’t. I don’t care that I’ve just had a baby or that my body isn’t anywhere near how it was before I got pregnant. I don’t care about anything besides my future with Bennett and our sweet baby Autumn and keeping the memory of our Summer alive as much as we can. “I want to get married this July. It’s what I want, and I know in my heart it’s what Summer would’ve wanted to.”

“This July?” he questions, and I nod.

“Yes. This July, I want to marry you in our backyard, in the same spot where we watched shooting stars with Summer.”

His smile is soft, and his kiss is even softer as he places one to the top of Autumn’s head before pressing one to the top of my head too. “I want that too.”

Saturday, July 9th

Bennett

Today, with my precious baby Autumn in my arms, I say “I do” during the prime of the hottest season.

My wife-to-be picked this date on a whim of symbolism and the inclusion of our sweet Summer, and to be honest, I can’t think of any better way to do it. Autumn is just over six weeks old, and when it comes to making our family complete, it feels like I’ve been waiting forever.

Clay stretches out on the tan chaise in the corner of my studio, and I bounce up and down and all around to keep my girl happy.

Breezy, Josie, and Lillian are in the house with Norah, getting ready for our backyard wedding. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, she’s got to be laughing at how opposite it is from the aisle she didn’t go down.

“You think Josie’s going to like me in pink?” Clay asks from his reclining position, fiddling with the silk fabric running down the center of his shirt, and I roll my eyes.

“Clay, I swear to God, if you make a scene with that sweet woman today, I’m going to have to kick your ass.”

“You can’t threaten to kick my ass while you’re holding a baby,” he replies through a scoff. “That’s, like, illegal.”

“Illegal or not, I’ll do it. Give Josie some peace for the day, for fuck’s sake, okay?”

“That’s easy advice for you to give, seeing as you’ve got the woman of your dreams walking down the aisle to you today, bud. But I’m still missing mine. Cut me some slack.”

“Yeah, she’s walking down the aisle today, but we’ve walked through fire to get here. Why don’t you start by making whatever you did to fuck it up with Josie right in the first place? I feel like that’d be a better strategy than constantly getting in her face.”

“Fourth of July wasn’t my fault. They practically sealed us up together in that fireworks tent!”

“Right.” I guffaw. “And Easter? What about that? Was that your fault?”

Clay sits up and shrugs. “I maybe coulda hid the eggs somewhere other than her shop.”

“And who can forget New Year’s in the square and Halloween at Earl’s party?”

“All right, all right, I get it. I’ll let it be today.”

I smile, holding Autumn’s head close and breathing in her baby smell. “Thanks. I appreciate it. I want today to be perfect for Norah.”

Clay jumps up and comes over to give me a pounding slap on my free shoulder. “It will be, dude. Whole town’s been working all night to make sure of it.”

I stand at the altar, and a drape of bright pink fabric Norah made from the blanket we lay on with Summer to see shooting stars hangs over a golden bar behind me. It blows in the breeze, carrying heavenly memories with it, and the bulk of the town sits in white folding chairs down the slight hill of my pasture. Norah and her bridesmaids wait in the barn for the beginning of their march, and Clay holds our sweet baby Autumn at my side.

Breezy steps out first, carrying a bouquet of vibrant pink roses and wearing a matching pink dress, and I imagine Summer smiling down at all the touches of her that Norah’s made sure to include everywhere.

I take a deep breath and then another, waiting impatiently for my bride as Lillian and then Josie make their way down the aisle too, forming a line on the other side of the altar and waiting.

Finally, as the music changes, Norah steps out in a white lace dress that falls off her shoulders, her natural, wild, curly hair floating all over the place. She has a pink belt at her waist and a pink bundle of flowers too, and her bare feet showcase glittery pink toenail polish.

Sheriff Peeler smiles like a loon at her side, an elbow linked through hers as he escorts her down the aisle.

The whole town is here again, just like at the fake wedding we had for Summer last year. But other than our sisters, people linked to us by blood are noticeably absent.

Her mother Eleanor wasn’t invited. Though, I don’t imagine she could have made it even if she had been since she’s awaiting her trial, set to start this fall, in a Manhattan correctional facility, along with Thomas Conrad Michael King III. Clearly, they’re not wearing pink today, but instead, orange.

Just the thought gives me a zing of joy I can hardly describe.

Of course, I’d never invite my asshole brother. And my parents couldn’t be bothered, busy flitting through their meaningless lives. I wish I could say I was surprised, but after they missed Summer’s funeral and Autumn’s birth, I didn’t expect them here. And if it weren’t for Norah, I never even would have asked them to be.

Norah’s smile is big and bold and beautiful, and her eyes shine in the powerful sun. Butterflies dance throughout the tall grass around us, and I have to clutch at my chest to ease the warmth inside it.

She’s everything I never knew I wanted. She’s everything I thought I didn’t need. Norah Ellis is the love of my life.

“Who gives this woman to be married?” Pastor Bob asks from behind me as Pete and Norah come to a stop just in front.

“I do,” Pete boasts proudly before placing her hand in mine.

Norah’s smile is soft as she kisses Pete on the cheek, and an unbelievable blush hits him right underneath. I didn’t know the old goat had it in him.

Norah hands her bouquet to Josie, and Lillian steps forward to fix the back of her dress as Norah turns to face me. I take her hands in mine and immediately have the urge to skip all the formal stuff and go straight to the kiss.

Norah smiles and winks, and I swear she knows exactly what I’m thinking.

With a small shake of her head, she puts her hands in mine.

“Welcome, welcome, everyone,” Bob recites, scanning the crowd with his signature smile. “Thanks for joining us today to celebrate this magical occasion.” His focus turned back to us, he carries on. “Norah and Bennett, today we gather to join your lives together—though the baby probably did that pretty well already.” The crowd laughs, and I roll my eyes. “Anyway, let’s get started, shall we?”

I nod eagerly, making Norah’s smile soften with affection.

“Norah, will you take Bennett to be your husband, through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or for poorer, until your dying breath?”

“I will,” Norah answers quickly, and my fingers spasm around hers.

“Bennett, how about you? Will you take Norah to be your wife, through thick and thin—”

“I will.”

“Bennett, I didn’t finish.”

“It doesn’t matter, Bob,” I say simply. “I’ll take Norah through anything.”

Norah licks at her lips as tears moisten her eyes, and I reach up to catch the first drop before it falls. “I love you, Norah.”

“I love you too, Bennett.”

Pastor Bob laughs. “Well, I’m not sure that you two need me here, but just in case, let’s do the rings, okay?”

Norah nods through a laugh, turning to Josie, and I turn to Clay to get my own. “Now, Norah, you’re going to slide your ring on Bennett’s finger and repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed.”

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

“Good. Now, Bennett, same to you. With this ring, I thee wed.”

“With this ring, I thee wed,” I repeat, sliding the ring, but stopping abruptly when I see it. Tattooed around Norah’s ring finger just like mine—Summer.

“Norah.” Her name is a whisper.

“I did it last night. I wanted to do it earlier, but I was afraid you’d see it and it’d spoil the surprise.”

I pull her body to mine, slamming our lips together in a kiss. She tastes perfect and feels perfect and is…perfect.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride,” Pastor Bob says so quickly the words practically run together. Lips dancing over Norah’s, I chuckle as her mouth pulls up into a laugh.

“Sorry, Bob. I just couldn’t wait a second more.”

The wait from the moment I saw her on that yellow bridge has been long enough.

Finally, Norah Ellis is officially my wife.

Norah

I dance and sing to myself as I finish washing my hands in the powder room, my cheeks filled with a perfect, happy glow.

I can’t help but notice how different this trip to the bathroom is from the one I had in a wedding dress a year ago.

The door bumps me in the butt as it closes behind me, and I laugh a little, my buzzed brain enjoying all the little things today.

As I make my way back outside, I take a minute to let all the goodness soak in. Bennett and Breezy are in the middle of the dance floor, swaying together with a sleeping Autumn in their arms.

Sheriff Peeler is flirting with Eileen Martin, of all people, and Betty and Earl are cutting one hell of a rug. Lil has found a group of old men to entertain over by the bar, and lover boy Lance has more than one teen girl hanging on his every word. It’s a perfect smattering of every walk of life and a reminder of the joy I feel living here every day.

The only people missing are two I’d never expect together, and that fact alone makes me feel suspicious in a way I can’t ignore. Walking the perimeter of the party slowly, I glance into the dark shadows with avid eyes, searching for my sister and the one man who always seems to be trying to get her attention these days.

It’s a moonless, star-filled night, though, and the bright lights of the party make it way harder to see than I expected.

On my third lap, I’m about to give up, but the sound of a slap gets my attention and does it right quick.

Searching the area of the sound, I finally catch a glimpse of Josie’s back and Clay’s surprised face, a trail of red lipstick on his lips.

Holy shit. Looks like I might not be the only Ellis to do the slap-and-kiss combo in this town.

I walk toward them carefully, ready to intervene if necessary, but I don’t make it more than a step and a half before the need to stop fills me right up.

“Dammit, Clay,” Josie whisper-yells, her heartbroken voice making me put a hand to my chest. “You can’t fix this. You can’t will it away. You can’t turn back time.”

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“No!” she snaps, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “After it happened, you kept right on living, but I’ll never be the same.”

I don’t know what’s going on, but I know one thing—it’s time Josie and I really talked about her divorce.

Time’s up, sis. It’s your turn to do the talking.