What Follows

~WE SEE WHAT WE WANT~

I gasp at the darkness that suddenly drenches me and clench my hands that I can’t see by my side before Tobias’ light comes and blinds me.

I squint at his lit, lanky figure, feeling faint from the sudden change in environment. I stand, disoriented, in front of an anticipating Tobias. I reach for my eyes that last saw my despondent brothers and gulp at my inability to grasp the moment. I turn around, thinking that, maybe, I’ll see flashes of them. That I might, somehow, stretch that lost moment for longer, beyond the ‘living’ dimension. Long enough for me to understand my feelings. To comprehend people’s feelings about me.

Tobias is still staring at me while I process those dispatched thoughts, while I try to understand why I can’t feel myself swallowing my saliva.

So I get furious.

I purse my lips unpleasantly and focus my glare at him and his stupid red waves for hair. “What are we now? Bound together forever?” I say bitterly, wondering why he hasn’t gotten lost already. We met coincidentally and that shouldn’t mean that he can intrude into my miserable life. Scratch that. My miserable death.

“You’re very unpleasant,” He coolly says with a smirk. “I just don’t think anyone would like to be left alone in this darkness.”

“Well, what now?” I say irritably. “You’ll accompany me every time I’m summoned to my ‘punishment’?”

“If you want-”

“No, I don’t," I snap, narrowing my eyes at him. He looks unamused as he crosses his arms across his chest. “Besides, don’t you have your own drama to catch up with?”

Tobias shuffles and sighs. “I mean, after thirty cycles, it isn’t as frequent,” He says, his upper lip quirked up and his hazel eyes bright. “Besides, I think that it’s quite cool that we can interact this way.” He steps closer to enthusiastically explain himself. “I mean, you can drag me in your world and I can drag you in mine. I never knew that could happen-”

“This isn’t some stupid show,” I deadpan. ”This is not cool. This is a very real thing, concerning very real people, carrying around some real, heavy feelings.” His smirk falls when he notices how serious I am. And I really am. This is very personal and not anyone should be allowed to intervene in any way. This is my secret. My punishment. My story. And that’s all it’ll ever be.

“This isn’t some stupid game,” I continue, feeling my lungs fill with something that can’t be air, cause it was never that heavy. “I don’t know where I am and what the hell I’m doing. And yeah, I get it, you’re trying to help and all-” I shake my head. “-but I don’t think this is some teamwork project. This is the kinda thing in which too many cooks spoil the broth kinda thing. I respect my privacy and I do not want you with me.”

When I’m done ranting at a motionless, stunned Tobias, I feel much better. It’s like all the frustration that has been building up inside of me got some release. However, every time I remind myself that I’ll be spending an eternity watching myself as a memory that’s worthy or unworthy of remembrance, I feel crippled.

I know it’ll hurt by the rate things are going. Aiden’s and Jacob’s reactions were enough to make me feel like a gasping fish out of the water...or a giraffe with a short neck. Yes, it made me so very uncomfortable.

So I, naturally, am so angry at how at ease Tobias is. I mean, yeah, we get it, he spent thirty years or cycles or whatever here. I did not. I do not know what’s waiting for me, and all I wish for is that I never get to regret killing myself.

Because I am sure it was the right choice.

Neither my parents nor my siblings cared about me except for when I’ve literally disappeared out of their lives. It’s only natural to feel out of place with all the emotion they’re suddenly generous with. Plus, I was always the third wheel whenever I hung out with Sierra and Mason (my ‘best friends’), which was fine because I knew they caught feelings for each other. That was until they started to slowly, completely neglect me as they found more solace in each other’s existence. They didn’t care to see/ They didn’t see why I was sad the day Joshua ‘ditched’ me (as Tobias would put it).

I mean, people who I saw only in my art class, once a week, noticed.

Combine that with my siblings-induced and my Joshua-inspired anxiety. My siblings were much more popular and smarter than I ever was. Or at least that was what my parents thought and never minded being vocal about. And that douchebag I loved (I actually, truly loved) since freshman year was all sugar cubes and sprinkles until he showed all the ass he got in his personality.

So I was insecure about my intellect, social status, and beauty; which is pretty much my whole life. So yeah, you tell me, what’s the point of living in a world that brought me to hate me?

“Girl! Lady-!” Tobias’s thick voice comes, awakening me from my little, quite frequent, self-loathing episode.

“Huh?”

“I thought you were gone for a second.” He lets out a breath with a small smile.

“Gone where?”

“Out of the Darkoom.” He responds. “Back to your ‘drama’.”

“I would’ve disappeared then,” I say almost expertly.

“Yeah, I thought so too.” He shifts, pulling down on his oversized bear shirt, which I guess gave him a big social-boo back in his days. “Can I ask you one last question?”

I tsk. “Yeah, as long as I won’t be seeing your face again till the end of time or whatever.”

“You are very rude,” He says. “I’ve never quite met someone like you.”

“Is that a question?”

“What’s your name?”

“What’s your business?”

“Would you rather me call you ′Lady′ like an idiot? It’s what I call you in my head.” He frowns slightly and I blink at him.

“Yeah. That’s if you’d ever need to call me.” I tell him bluntly.

“I’m the closest thing to a friend you got here,” He says too quickly, a little disappointedly as he squares his shoulders.

I narrow my eyes at him and sigh. “I’m sorry but I need to spend some time alone,” I try saying decently. “I thought you’d understand.”

“Yeah, I suppose-” He starts backing away with pursed lips and cast down eyes. “I’ll -uh-” He hooks his thumb and points behind him. “I’ll be hanging around somewhere. In this pool of ‘lightlessness’. Just call my name, I guess. If you’re lucky I’ll be here, not in my ‘drama’.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I slowly say, not wanting to somehow set him off and get him to change his mind.

“If I need you, I’ll call out ′Lady’, okay?” He says, locking my eyes as if to ensure that I understood. “Don’t be weirded out or anything. It’s like our code.”

“What if there’s another one like you?” I ask him bemusedly and he lifts his brows.

“Another ‘Tobias’? Good question." He further backs away, pointing both his index fingers at me. His light is fading away in the viscous, throbbing darkness of the ‘Darkoom’. “I guess use your charm,” He tells me. “Show them the rude. It’ll scare any normal person away.”

I smirk. “So you’re not normal?”

He stops when his light is too faint to make out his facial expressions, but just enough to see his khaki shorts and untied shoelaces of some 90′s trainers.

“I don’t think any of us are,” He yells from a distance, and I think it’s almost weird that I can hear echoes (I mean, are there surfaces for the sound to reflect off?). “I think we’re dumb losers who finally want our voice heard in a soulless world. Which is dumb, because what’s the point of just impressing losers like you? So, normal?" His faint chuckles spread around me. “Nah.”

I shake my head at his response and when he’s completely gone, engulfed by the darkness, I sigh heavily. Now it’s me, that stupid Darkoom, and the consequences of my actions to deal with.

...

It’s more like a blink of an eye or maybe even less than that. Probably less than that. I mean I wouldn’t even be given the luxury of the time it takes for my eyelid muscles to contract and relax. I’m not even worth that.

I am thrown right off into my punishment. And no, I’m not in my mansion. I’m at Sierra’s place. And to get into the specifics, I am in her rather modern, tiny, dim-lit room, staring at her talk softly with Mason.

They’re sitting on the bed, Sierra in a simple, black dress and Mason in a white shirt and black pants (maybe they were out on a date without telling me?). Mason links their fingers and I roll my eyes.

So what now? Watching my best friends cozy up with each other is my new punishment? I cross my arms across my chest. Talk about fifty-hundred thousand shades of disturbing.

And if there’s something I am more than ‘disturbed’, I must say I’m also very ‘surprised’.

Sierra’s parents are very religious and would never allow her to have a boy come over like that. I would go to the extent to say that I thought that Sierra was just as religious and was very by the book. It was one of the things I loved about her. She loved God for His mercy and love, not out of fear like my parents taught me.

Mason is about to lean in to kiss Sierra when, finally, the moment that every reader of their romantic story would hate most, Sierra’s phone rings. The couple part quickly and I cringe. Mason, in his messed-up, dark hair, looks behind, but Sierra pulls him to her by his forearm.

“Ignore it,” She whispers. “It’s probably Rosey.”

My lips and Mason’s part at her.

“What if she needs something?”

I mean, yeah...Sierra, what if?

“I need you-" She murmurs with a smile and I raise my brows in immense surprise. I suddenly feel like I’m on one of Dora’s episodes where I’m looking for Sierra’s innocence and not finding it despite my brain yelling at me ’IT’S THERE! RIGHT THERE! SIERRA IS INNOCENCE!’.

Wow. I glance at the frame on her messy bedside table, that held our picture on her sixteenth birthday, and resist the urge to knock it down. I then breathe deeply and remind myself that she doesn’t know that I’m dead. And that if I am in her place, with the person I love, I might ignore the caller and not feel bad about it.

I’m just being salty because I’m dead.

I almost cheer when Mason’s phone rings right after her phone stops ringing, and this time he moves away from her. Sierra pouts and reaches for him, but he shakes his head and fishes for his phone in his trousers’ pockets.

“It could be Mom,” He explains as he stares at the screen that brightens his face a bit and accentuates his frown. “It’s -uh- Aiden Bracken-?”

Sierra frowns a little, pushing away the hair that fell over her dark eyes. She then tilts her head. ”Now? Midnight? That’s weird.”

“Yeah-” Mason mutters before clearing his throat and picking up. “Hey, man-” Sierra gets closer to him as his face falls. ”Yeah-” His voice drops an octave. “Yeah?” He shakes his head and holds his forehead. “When was that?!” He raises his voice in shock. “God, why?” His shoulders slump and Sierra looks curious.

"Babe?" She murmurs and Mason holds her eyes before looking away.

“Okay, yeah, of course,” Mason mutters. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe it.” He shakes his head again and stands up, facing me but looking down. “Yeah, you too.”

The call ends and he looks up, his teary, dark eyes digging holes in my soul. He slowly lowers his arm and flinches when Sierra rests a hand on his shoulder. He half-way turns to her, his lips frowning.

Sierra looks uneasy and gulps. “What happened?”

A few tears tumble down his flushed cheeks and he shakes his head. ”Rosey-”

“What?” She whispers worriedly and he wipes away his tears.

“Killed herself." He chokes on the words and Sierra looks away, dropping her hand from his shoulder.

"Oh-”

“Yeah,” Mason sniffs, his eyes watering up more. “I should -uh- I should probably go-”

“No!” Sierra exclaims as I examine her expressionless face. “Don’t leave me like this.”

Mason frowns slightly, his hands fumbling to adjust his shirt. “Like, what?” He shakes his head. “Rosey. Died. She died. We should probably go check on her family. Help them out? I don’t know, just do anything?"

Sierra seems more upset and alert by Mason leaving than my death’s news. It is um...como se dice...amusing. My best friend desperately stands in front of him and stops him. I then lift my brows at the intense eye contact they’re having before,

“They need some space right now,” she tells him. “The wound is brand new. They won’t be ready to welcome us. Meanwhile-” She pauses to look into his eyes. “Meanwhile, I can take your pain away.”

Mason looks at her guiltily with blood-shot eyes. “I’ve known her for three years-” He sniffs and Sierra uses his distraction to get closer to him.

“I’ve known her for eight.” She whispers.

Mason’s eyes flicker down, then up at her face. Sierra’s lips quirk upwards, knowing that she has won him over his grief for me.

I stand, disgusted/surprised beyond words and hurt beyond thoughts. It is so painful, seeing Sierra so easily put aside my death. It drains me because I was preparing myself to get sad and regretful. I thought Sierra would react better than that. I thought I was worth more tears from her side after all we’ve been through together.

I then watch Mason carry a grinning Sierra to the bed.

And before the lights go off, Sierra’s hand reaches over her bedside table and flips down the frame with our photo. I sniff and know that I’m crying again. And, God, I never knew one could get heartbroken when they’re dead.

All I know is I don’t fully know who Sierra is after all those years that we’ve shared.

I suddenly feel that my thoughts betrayed the bond I had with her. I part my lips and shake my head at all my vicious thoughts. I mean, what if I am just making assumptions? What if Sierra is just too in love? Why do I always jump to the worst conclusions?

I relax a little and remind myself of her genuine summer smiles and crinkling, dark eyes. I remind myself of the unGodly amounts of ice cream we’d eat on the nights I’d get my period and the times she’d cheer for me even when I thought I was being a loser.

It’s almost an hour of drowning in my thoughts and memories before I know they’ve finally slept and drag her desk’s chair next to her bed. I sit down and watch her (yes, it’s very creepy and unsettling to have a ghost staring at you in your very sleep). She looks very peaceful, I almost reach for her cheek, but instantly remind myself that if I can’t feel anything, she definitely still can.

And quite frankly I’m still not sure how this works.

I glance at her bedside table and tilt my head at our flipped down frame. Very carefully, I flip it up again and smile dreamily at our grins when my vision gets suddenly clouded by darkness.

ss.