What Follows

′forests, oceans and skies hold copies of our souls for us to come find when we do not feel whole`

Finding the attic was no easy thing. The house is small and every bit of space is maximally optimized with something or the other. So it is very stuffy and it makes sense, giving the number of people it houses.

Tobias doesn’t need to use the hook to yank down the ladder leading to the attic. He just tiptoes.

I climb up and once I’m inside William’s ‘room’, I look down at Tobias who’s holding onto the ladder’s bannister, ready to climb when;

“Will? Is that you?”

My eyes widen and Tobias freezes momentarily as a woman, William’s mother, ambles into the hall, hugging her white, silk robe to her. She rubs her eyes and stares at the ladder that Tobias has pulled down.

"Come on!” I whisper for some reason, and Tobias snaps out of his daze and quickly climbs up the steps. I make space for him as we both stare down at the woman, not knowing what to expect.

With a yawn, she slightly shrugs and pushes the ladder up to its place. I sigh heavily in relief.

“We almost gave her a heart attack,” I say and Tobias shakes his head.

“She almost gave us a heart attack.”

Remembering my purpose, I shuffle to my feet and take in the surprisingly neat room. Last time I was here, it was disgusting. The bed is made, the desk is organized, the closet is fixed, with no clothes popping out of it, and the window is wide open.

No William.

“Can I understand what we’re doing here?” Tobias then stops me from studying the room to give him my attention.

“William. I want to check up on him,” I say. “It’s weird he’s not here.”

“Why?”

“It’s his room. He’s had it hard,” I say, not going into the details. It won’t matter a year/cycle from now, for him.

Tobias nods slowly, catching my eyes. “You good?”

“As good as I can be.”

Tobias sighs. “So we’re getting back down and risking waking his mom again?”

“Looks like-” I start but get suddenly interrupted by a heavy ‘thump’ from above. Dust trickles down from the ceiling’s/roof’s cracks and remains suspended in the air. Surprisingly, Tobias sneezes.

I look at him like he’s done an alien thing.

“I was/am allergic to dust,” he tells me.

I look up again. “Do you think this thing is going to collapse?”

When I don’t get a response, I look at Tobias to find his body’s upper half out of the window. He’s looking heavenward, his hair softly dancing with the breeze coming from outside. He gets back inside with a surprised look.

“I don’t think so. Your William is on the roof,” Tobias says and I lift my brows.

“How the hell are we gonna get there?” I ask incredulously, crossing my arms across my chest.

“We climb,” Tobias smiles and I frown at him.

“Alright, you seem to be missing an important detail here,” I say. “My bodily dimensions cannot allow me to ‘climb’.”

Tobias scoffs. “I’ll help you up.”

I scoff. ”No-”

“What’s the worst that can happen?” He asks me. “You die?”

Having no answer to that, I sigh heavily and walk to the window, past him.

Climbing to the roof wasn’t that complicated.

I stood on the windowsill with Tobias holding onto my ankles in case I lost balance. I stretched my arm and blindly reached for a ledge through which I could uphoist myself. And that was what I did. With a little push from Tobias, I helped myself over the roof, regardless of how hard my dress made it.

The roof is steep and I have to crawl to get to William, who lies down a few metres away from me with a book in his hands and a flashlight by his side, his feet supported against one of the pipes surrounding the house’s framework.

I look up to the starry night and suddenly wish I was alive to witness this beauty first-hand. A few groans later and Tobias is crawling by my side, staring at William before marvelling at the sky.

“So what’s up with history guy?” He asks me and I sigh, bringing my knees to my chest.

“It’s just horrific how my death has impacted so many lives, you know?” I say. “How I’ve created a dead murderer, a bully, a victim, and everything in between.”

Tobias says nothing as he stares at me in deep focus, the streetlights illuminating his hazels and giving him a 5′oclock shadow.

“Sierra is a murderer because I let her get to me and killed myself. Joshua continues being a bully, regardless of and after everything he’s been through; abuse, death of his loved ones, taking the fall for my suicide. He just broke and I have no right to be disappointed. I helped in the emergence of that dark side of his. And the recipient seems to be William,” I lift an arm toward him and sniff. “I left my family with an empty void, a traumatic experience. My suicide is a catastrophic form of the ripple effect and I’m standing amidst it all.”

Tobias lies down completely like William, props his elbow and stares at me as I speak out what’s in my heart’s heart.

“And I’ll never fully know the fate of every and each one of them. At least for now,” I say. “They’ll forever be incomplete stories that’ll take cycles to be. I’ll never know what’ll happen to William,” I say sadly. “I don’t know if he’ll fight back or succumb to his doom and off himself like I did. I don’t know if I’ve created another suicide case, and I’m scared to face that in the next cycles. I never ever thought that my death could influence others that way.

“And now the night sky is so beautiful and I wish I was alive and not dragging so many people into this,” I tell the stars miserably. “I wish I had chosen to leave a different impact on people’s lives. Because I know what it feels like for someone to be your last straw,” I speak of William. “I know how it feels like when it’s taken away from you. I know how it is like when you’re holding back all your demons because of this one person you’re counting on to be there. I just never imagined I’d be that straw for so many people.” I cry.

Tobias breathes in my pain and transforms it into a small smile. “I know. I’m sorry.”

And maybe there’s a shift in the stars, or a shift in my heartstrings, or a shift in the Earth plates when I stare at him and the tilt of his lips and the soft of his hair. Maybe I’m just slipping as I quickly lean over to kiss him, my eyes closed and my lips puckered in hope.

And I know that we’re breaths away because I can hear the hitch in his breath. It doesn’t take him long, however, to burst out into a fit of laughter. I open my eyes, my heart in my throat.

He claps and shakes his head as he laughs, his eyes tearing up a river. “Was that a kiss? Did you intend on kissing me, Roseline Bracken?”

I stare at him mortified.

“Well, you certainly didn’t feel how nothing kissed but our noses, but I saw it,” he laughs again and my shoulders slump.

Embarrassment in death? Why not?

Tobias adjusts himself, shifts to get closer to me as I watch him frozen. He sits up and levels his face with mine before smiling softly.

“We can’t say no to a little karma,” he says with a smirk. But when he sees how horrified I look, he holds my chin and tilts it to the side. “Now, you see,” he says, holding my eyes. “I’ve never quite kissed a girl, but there must have been an algebraic or geometrical equation to it so that nothing else gets in the way.” He says teasingly, smiling softly as his hair billows over his eyes. “Now keep your eyes wide open because we can’t be both, blind and unfeeling when we kiss-”

I push him away and he falls to his back, dying with laughter.

“This is embarrassing,” I say, crawling away from him.

Tobias’ face is red and his laughter is uncontainable, ricocheting through the night. “And I thought leaving Benji was the worst thing of the night?” He laughs indecently. “I didn’t see this kiss coming.”

Unbelievably, a smile spreads over my face and I can’t help chuckling. “You’re an asshole.”

“A dead asshole you tried kissing.”

“You’ll never drop it,” I mutter to myself, not caring to be embarrassed anymore. I mean, hell, we’re dead. “It was in the heat of the moment kind of thing. You never deserved my kiss anyway.”

“Wait, no!” Tobias sobers up and looks at me like I’m all dreams and wonder. “I love you,” he says without restraint, without doubt, in a heartbeat.

I sigh heavily, say nothing. We both say nothing for a while as we stretch our legs in front of us and stare at the sky.

“If today is our last day, what would your goodbye be like?” Tobias is the first to break the silence that settled between us.

I turn my head and he easily catches my eyes. “What would you want it to be like?”

Tobias smiles and carefully gets to his feet. He then puts out his hand.

“Won’t you dance with me?”

I lift my brows and smile before giving him my hand and helping myself up.

“Are we going to imagine music?” I ask when I stand unsteady in front of him.

“Yes,” he breathes, removes my hairband and uses it to tie his hair. My hair cascades down my shoulders and over my eyes. Tobias pushes those hair strands behind my ears so I can see him better.

“Okay, so I put my hands over your shoulders?” He asks me and I chuckle.

“And you belittle my kiss?”

“Rose, this is our goodbye, help me.”

I look into his hazels and try not to decipher them as I reach for his hands and place them on my waist. I rest my hands around his neck and smile at him.

He doesn’t smile back as he stares at me, enjoying our unreal proximity. Not wanting to confront the verses his eyes carry, I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. It’s a damned existence after all.

We’re not dancing really. We’re just standing and holding each other and excusing it for a dance. And I know I can’t feel it but I feel cold. Cold to the bone. And it isn’t the weather or death. It’s just caused by a lack. Absence. The absence of his breaths’ and neck’s warmth. And when I wedge my fingers through the hair at the back of his head, I can’t feel their softness as I long and yearn for it.

“Hey,” I whisper. “Do you remember the letter you wanted me to write to you?”

“Hm.”

“Do you want to hear it?”

A little pause. “Yes.”

I sigh and close my eyes, pressing my cheeks harder to his chest (maybe it’d wake my touch receptors?). “To my generations-early, dear, dearest friend,” I start. I stop. He waits. Patiently, without breathing. “My generations-early love? Maybe? Definitely? I would’ve learnt how to love you if I was alive. I would’ve fallen for you slowly yet inevitably. I could fall for you, I might’ve already fallen for you, but it doesn’t matter. It’s just more pain,” I pause, check my pulse. I’m still dead despite how loud my heart seems to beat. “And maybe it’s another form of hell purposefully imposed on us, because if I let myself dream... if I let myself dream. We’d be holding hands forever and I’d be watching your sunsets for eyes every day, without any form of possible boredom.

“But it’s impossible, so impossible, it hurts. And maybe that’s why I can’t bear hearing you make poetry of my eyelashes or the feel of my hands because it cruelly reminds me of what I’m missing. Maybe I can’t just accept the fact that I can’t have you wholly and it just suffocates me so much, I just have to get away,” I sniff. “I have to get away because I’m afraid to confront the possible depth of my emotion to something so so finite.”

“And I’m sorry if I hurt you in the process,” I continue. “-but that’s the only way I know how to cope with this kind of love. It’s just the right thing at a wrong, awful time. So Tobias,” I sniff. “Thank you for being there for me despite it all. Thank you for being you and I’m so so sorry.” My voice breaks. “Yours in death, Roseline.”

A stretch of silence settles between us again, occasionally interrupted by Willam’s page flicking. I pull back from the hug and look at Tobias’ sad eyes and I’m suddenly grateful that he’s holding me and keeping me from falling apart.

He says nothing as his eyes water up and he reaches for my hands around his neck to hold them down. He brings them to his lips and kisses my knuckles as his tears splatter across them. He’s not letting go of my eyes as he smiles.

"Maybe,” he says. “-my cycles don’t hurt as much anymore. And maybe you were sent to torture me because it hurts like hell to have to let you go.” My lips quiver. “I might have loved you,” he shakes his head. “I love you and you don’t and that’s okay. It’s okay because you are my punishment that’ll tear my heart apart. And I know in the upcoming cycles I’ll have this cavity in my chest, a cavity made of you, that I’ll suffer trying to explain and deal with. And that’s okay. It’s so okay that there’s nothing left to say.”

He lets go of my hands and gives me his back as he sobs to the stars. Not able to suppress my tears either, I cry and wrap my arms around his back, planting my face in its middle.

My every cell is simmering with grief because even in death, we mourn people’s loss. And through it all, I wonder if the stars knew what they’ve just witnessed. Because if it’s written in the stars, then I understand why it’s a starry night tonight.

They’ve come to witness their poetry. They’ve come to witness the heartbreak of two souls never meant to be. They’ve come merry and bright.

And maybe I’m confused, drunk on false love or concussed, but I’m certain I’m suddenly falling a steep, steep, endless fall with the stars shining above me. I’m falling, and instead of being engulfed by darkness, I fall into the pit of something so so bright, I close my eyes.