What Follows

′someone has to have blood on their hands, someone has to clean up the blood and someone must bleed′

I swallow hard before opening my eyes and bringing my hands to my belly as the tug behind my navel lightens.

I’m not in the Darkoom but in a place I very well recognize.

I quickly turn my head, panicking at Tobias’ absence and thinking that maybe the month’s over and I won’t see him again. But then I remember Tobias telling me that I won’t even remember remembering him; but, hey, I still do and I’m just really, really all over the place and are those my hands and-

“Hey.” I feel (more like see) a tug on my dress and turn in an instant, hand on my chest.

Tobias is looking at me with a small smile framing his pink lips and eyes narrowed over my face expression, with Benji, to my surprise, panting beside him (I thought we left him behind).

“You alright?”

I exhale loudly in relief and try exercising my smiling muscles. And fail.

“I am,” I say nevertheless, my eyes lingering over his figure as if that would somehow make it possible to memorize his every feature. His every freckle and hair strand that’s almost always out of place. And it really does hit me that I’ll be finding myself doing this quite often.

Engraving him in my mind, that is.

I bite my tongue to look away and back at the scene I’m transferred to. There are lots of trees beside me, lots of dead leaves beneath me, a large expanse of a pale blue sky with cotton candy bites scattered across it above me and two people dead to me in front of me.

Sierra and Joshua. Of course.

My chest automatically tightens and I imagine it’s because seeing them waters thorny vines that wrap and wrap themselves around my guts. And it really leaves me wondering if the dead can puke out dust and mold because this is exactly how it feels like to see them.

It feels like a slap back to reality. It feels like fingers snapping in front of your face to uproot you from an almost sweet daydream back to your problems.

Joshua is standing, paint-blotched hands on his low-waist black plants, with his grey hood covering his hair. His brows are furrowed as he studies Sierra who’s dressed in total lack of colour- all black and rot (maybe that applies to everything about her: her heart, blood, emotions) and who’s studying her surroundings. Who’s studying the place I watched her fake her grief for me. The place where she ‘lost’ her phone.

“I still have her phone, you know that right?” Tobias whispers from behind, bringing her phone to my face. “I mean, I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do-”

“We literally scouted this area for the hundredth time today.” Joshua suddenly blathers, dropping his hands to his sides, taking both of us by surprise.

Sierra has knelt and is using her hands to remove the layers and layers of fallen leaves and animal droppings. “Well, you said you’d help,” she says, not stopping her search.

Joshua quickly licks his lower lip and exhales irritably. “Well, there’ll come the time when you have to give up and accept the fact that you’ve lost your damn phone!”

Sierra pauses for a moment to glare at Joshua. “Easy for you to say-” She sneers. “It ain’t your thick head over the line.”

“Her head’s over the line?” A pause. “That could be the best thing I’ve heard ever since I shook hands with death,” Tobias whispers and I sigh.

“Yes, if she broke a rule that shouldn’t be broken,” I say.

“A rule? A rule in Devilsplay? There are rules in a game as wretched as this?” He asks and I nod silently as I watch Sierra and Joshua have a quiet, heated conversation.

“A rule, if broken, will get you killed,” I say.

“Not complaining or anything, but losing her phone will kill her?” He asks a tad too excitedly.

“Well, if it had been this one rule, the ‘F-rule’ as they call it-” I say. “-she would’ve been dead by now.”

Tobias makes a face before smirking and lifting Sierra’s BlackBerry. He’s about to say something when Sierra yells out, ”I’m dead meat!" and throws her arms in the air before running her fingers in her dark, straight hair.

Joshua watches her break down and does nothing. She slides down the tree bark closest to her, holding her head in her hands and bringing her knees to her chest.

“You don’t care!” is what she accuses Joshua of. “You don’t know how it feels to be in my place.”

“That’s right. I do not care,” Joshua says noncommittally. “And I won’t be put in a ‘situation’ like yours.”

Sierra says nothing in response but makes it a point to venomously stare at him. “You’re one sad shit.” She then tells him. “You don’t even know what you want from the world.”

Joshua looks at her like she just slapped him in the face. And I seriously, seriously have no clue as to what’s happening. I cannot comprehend their actions. I don’t know them.

“And you do, yeah?” Joshua asks, pointing his index finger at her. “You got it all figured out, yeah? You really think that money is a purpose to live for? You think it’s a- it’s a way of life? An excuse to mess people up for?”

Sierra narrows her eyes at him. “You are no different,” She snaps. “You play for the money.”

Joshua turns red with rage. “You think I ever wanted to play this bloody game?” He’s barely holding back his voice from breaking into a roar. “You really think I enjoy it? I had to-” He shouts. “I have to play it. I have to and I hate it. I hate it and I regret it and I wish I could’ve found other ways to solve my bloody problems-”

"Problems?” Sierra snorts. “What problem could ‘Mr-Popular-Slash-Got-It-All-Together’ have?” She grimaces. “You’re just one good liar, tricking all people into believing someone you’re not.”

Joshua rips his hood off, exposing his honey hair waves to the world. “I don’t have to prove my worth to someone like you. Someone who kills her own best friend. My love.”

His words are like knives jagged in my heart, reviving all my pain.

“I’m sorry,” Tobias says, but I’m too caught up analyzing Sierra’s smirk to have anything to say.

“Love, huh? You played dirty,” Sierra tells him like she knows bad, bad things about him. “You were one of the reasons why she might’ve chosen to off herself.”

“You’re so sick, I almost pity you.” Joshua shakes, his voice a controlled level of angry.

Sierra smiles wickedly and slowly rises to her feet. “I’m gonna mess you up.” She hisses, approaching Joshua. “You watch. Just like you’ve commented my name, I can do much worse just to invoke the monster you keep hidden...here-” She pokes his chest with her index finger that Joshua quickly holds. “It’ll be one big fiesta when people get to know the real you.”

“You do not know the real me,” Joshua says calmly, removing her finger. “You never will. And I’m not scared of you. I mean, you can’t even find your phone-”

“You see, it’s only a matter of time before I do.” She whispers. “And when I do, you will be watching your back like the deranged freak you are.”

Joshua shakes his head, looking slightly mortified. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Give me her phone,” I say quickly and Tobias gives me a questioning look before reluctantly handing it out to me.

“What are you going to do?” Tobias asks and I smirk.

“I’m going to give him leverage.”

“I’m not sure about what you’re trying to do,” Tobias says and I click my tongue, eyeing the phone in my hand.

“Revenge, my friend.”

Sierra exists the scene after her ‘all-threats’ chat with Joshua who’s now staring despondently at her back. Once she’s out of sight, Joshua drops his shoulders, clutches at his hair and yells out in frustration.

He then kicks a tree bark and groans loudly, before defeatedly bringing his forehead to it and crying in anguish. And it’s in this moment that I see flashes of the sensitive Joshua I knew. It’s at this moment that I think he might be redeemable after all.

I clutch the phone in my hand and walk determinedly toward him, despite Tobias’ protests to wait.

And very, very slowly, I peel every atom of love I had for Sierra out of my heart and soul, I peel everything about me that was about her, I peel any impression she had left behind in my mind and drop the phone at Joshua’s feet.

The phone falls with a soft thud that catches his attention because he immediately looks in my direction, then down at his feet.

“What are you doing? No!" Tobias pulls me from behind, but I shake his hand off of me.

“What should be done,” I say with a final sniff. “I let her go,” I whisper as I watch Joshua kneel over and pick the phone with his messy hand. His jaw drops as he blinks at it in surprise, several times, before turning it over and over, assessing it for any damage.

He then closes his eyes and exhales in heavy relief, closing his fingers around it. Straightening up, he looks around carefully, drags a finger across his nose, before slipping the phone in his pocket, pulling up his hood and quickly stalking off.

I turn to Tobias.

“What the hell was that?” Tobias asks, hands caught in his hair.

“It was the right thing to do,” I say. “You saw how horrible Sierra was being-”

“Well, Joshua doesn’t sound any better to me,” Tobias states.

“He doesn’t,” I say bitterly. “But he is regretful. And it’s genuine. And I know it is because out of every creature alive or dead, we know how regret looks like very well.”

Tobias doesn’t say anything for a while as his brows remain knotted in deep thought. “This is just insane.” He points at where they were standing. “I mean, he could potentially kill her if what I understand is right.”

“Well, I don’t understand their stupid game,” I say, finally allowing myself to get angry at everything that happened because of them. “I paid for their bullshit with my life, so forgive me if I have a hard time figuring out how to ‘correctly’ deal with this whole thing.” I clench my jaws.

Tobias drops his arms to his sides and exhales loudly. “But I mean, it’s really risky. He could break that rule and get her killed with her phone in his hands.”

“Well, she could’ve killed him if she got her phone,” I say, defending my actions.

Tobias shakes his head slowly, then vigorously as if coming up with more approaches to make me question/regret my action.

“You know what?” Tobias says. “I seriously don’t think so. I mean, if it’s a rule that’ll get you killed, this rule should probably be broken when you’re so very aware of breaking it and doing it anyway. A rule that can only be broken through the player’s own actions. She couldn’t have possibly killed him.”

“You wouldn’t know-”

“I don’t, but it makes sense-” Tobias points out. “This BlackBerry is Sierra’s one-way ticket to hell.”

I tip my head and try shaking my head. “I certainly won’t want to kill Sierra.”

“She deserves-”

"Even if she deserves it,” I cut him off. “I wouldn’t mean to kill her. I was just trying to help Joshua out. He seems much more desperate.”

“You just assumed that,” Tobias says and I puff out a breath, wrapping my arms across my chest.

“Joshua wouldn’t have it in him to kill her,” I say, trying to be hopeful.

“Well, let’s hope so,” He says, narrowing his eyes as if in deep thought. “I mean, this would tell us for sure if this Judas is the hero you really think he is.”

I blink at the ground and bite in my lower lip. “I honestly don’t know.”

“You don’t know and I need to feed Benji,” Tobias says out of nowhere, completely changing the topic.

"Benji," I whisper his name absently as my eyes search for him amongst the trees.

Tobias puts a combination of fingers in his mouth and whistles shrilly. I turn to him as he studies the bushes that immediately come to life with Benji leaping out from between them.

Benji barks, wagging his tail and I sigh.

“Here Benji, here," Tobias says with a wide smile as he kneels by him and pats his golden fur.

“Why does he even need to feed?” I ask Tobias who’s consumed by Benji’s love.

“Because he’s alive?”

“He’s alive?” I snort. “Does that mean I can drag anything alive to our shitty dimension?” I ask with a smirk. “Because I’d drag that witch Sierra by the hair.”

Tobias looks up at me and doesn’t hide his amusement as he chuckles lightly.

“I mean we could certainly try, but I don’t think that’s how it works,” Tobias says, looking back at Benji who’s licking his ghost hands.

I tsk. “Tragic.”

“I mean, I think it only works with beings that can see and sense us,” He says. “I think a majority of animals can do that. And maybe even psychics.”

“Psychics, not psychos?”

“Well, the way I think of it,” Tobias says with a smile, like he’s enjoying this ridiculous conversation. “If psychos were abducted by spirits who held grudges against them, the world would’ve been a much better place.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Yeah, let’s just fetch him something to eat before it’s nighttime for us.” He turns to me with a wink.

And I smile weakly despite myself.