We Are NOT Alone

Peter opened his eyes and could vaguely make out the outline of his forever partner’s chin. He reached over to feel Josh’s face and cuddle him. After a very lovely experience in the hot tub, they had both fallen soundly asleep without stirring for the entire night. It was, perhaps, their most restful night of sleep ever and certainly together.

Eyes closed, Peter traced down Josh’s neck to his chest midline and further down when he experienced suddenly something new. Josh’s former slight baby bump belly now seemed fully enlarged. With his eyes still closed tightly, he felt the entirety of it. While he had never rubbed the stomach of a pregnant person before, he believed this is what one would feel like if he did. The belly button was stretched out and he could feel pressure underneath the layer of skin. He assumed he must be daydreaming. “What’s happening?” Josh said blinking his eyes and adjusting to the rays of sun streaming into the room through the cracks around the blinds and curtains. Peter opened his eyes at the exact moment only to find his and Josh’s faces confronting a new truth for the first time. Staring them right in the face and not in Peter’s imagination at all was a definitely enlarged belly, and not a beer belly typical of college athletes in their late 40s, a beautiful and amazing pregnant belly formerly reserved only for expectant mothers days or hours before the birth of their child.

“Overnight?” Josh turned and sat up in bed then stepped down and walked over to the full-length mirror. Peter followed closely behind keeping pace.

“Pumpkin,” I look pregnant. “And not just pregnant, but ready to burst pregnant like, due any second, don’t I?”

“Uh, to be honest, Mintaka, I cannot disagree.” Peter settled in behind him wrapping his arms around Josh and tenderly rubbing his belly like an expectant father might upon witness this greatest of all miracles. “It’s happened overnight? I mean you ate a lot of food yesterday.”

“True, but this does not feel like that I ate a lot of food.”

“What does it feel like?”

“I can’t explain it.”

“Well, let’s not play dumb, we’ve had signs of this for a couple of months now.”

“Yes, but the doctor said…”.

“The doctor never actually did any tests.”

“It seems like maybe you’ve been pregnant for a while and…”.

“The baby grew really fast overnight? Peter? It’s not making any sense.”

“You being pregnant, in general, doesn’t make any sense, but we can see it with our own eyes.”

“Weird!” Josh said suddenly.

“What?”

“I just felt a kick inside.”

“No!”

“Yes, I think so.”

“So, that’s it. You must be pregnant. You must be.”

“But, it’s impossible, right? I mean, it’s impossible, Peter. How can I be pregnant? I’m a dude. I mean. I thought I was a dude. Am I dude?”

“Josh, no matter what, I love you. Let’s not jump to any conclusions. I think you are a dude, and I am pretty sure the wonderfully special people who are born somewhere in-between are unable, sadly, to conceive, as far as I recall. But, then so are dudes. So who knows? This is just a one-of-a-kind miracle?”

Rubbing his own enlarged belly and suddenly contemplating the idea that another living human being was growing inside him, Josh felt elated, excited, and then panic-stricken all within the same heart beat. “It’s impossible.”

“Things are only impossible until they are not, Mintaka. At least, I feel better, because, Dude, you ate a lot of food yesterday and took on some new special powers of strength and agility.”

“At the time, it just seemed normal to me, but I see your point. So, what do we do?”

“That is a good question. Because, well, I don’t think we want some kind of media attention. There’s only one person I trust with this.” They both said “Muriel!” at the same time. “Yes, M. would never betray us and she may have a suggestion on how to handle this. Let’s call her.”

“Ok!” Josh said, “Good idea. You call her, and I’ll make breakfast. I think today is going to be a lot like yesterday only with this one big difference.” He rubbed his stomach. Peter dialed the phone and had Muriel on the line in moments.

“Boys, Boys, how is the honeymoon?” Muriel was positively ecstatic to hear from them.

“Well, we’re great. Let me put you on video chat. Josh and I need your advice on something,” Peter said.

“Sure, anything.”

“Before we go further, we need to mention a few things.”

“Are you sitting down?” Josh insisted.

“Yes, Josh, thank you!”

“Ok, first, a while ago, Josh was experiencing morning sickness symptoms; and, on a lark, he took a pregnancy test and tested positive.”

“Oh my goodness, what did you say, Peter? It sounded like you said Josh took a pregnancy test and it turned positive?” Muriel said.

“What does that mean? Are those tests accurate for males?”

“Who knows, not the point.” Josh said.

“Yes, that’s right. So, we went to the doctor, and she said the test was designed for women and was of no relevance to men. Guys can’t get pregnant, you know the whole spiel, so we kind of I wouldn’t say forgot about it, I mean, it’s why we wanted to become forever partners sooner rather than later, so if there were any chance, the baby would have fully forever partnered parents which even though that’s not necessary and all that these days, we just felt that we wanted that for our child, you know.”

“I understand Boys. Your child. Two guys? Having a baby? Not possible? So, now?”

“Well, Josh seemed like he was developing a baby bump. But we just thought he was gaining a little weight from his strange sudden cravings to eat peanut butter and bacon sandwiches at all hours of the night.”

“Yes, strange food cravings are very typical in pregnant women. But, I never made the connection in Josh. Of course not, because men don’t get pregnant.”

“Right. And, you know, it’s kind of strange because, we’ve both sort of suspected something about this, but we’ve never panicked about it.”

“Until now,” Josh said stepping into the view of the camera with his full pregnant stomach making its debut.

“Oh my gosh, Josh. Yes, you look exactly pregnant, and soon to give birth by the size of things, but this happened overnight you say?”

Munching a cold, left-over, piece of crispy fried bacon Josh said, “Well, apart from the other symptoms and the baby bump, yes! Yesterday I was super hungry most of the day and ate an enormous amount of food and had a lot of great sex with Peter, by the way.”

“Josh, that’s not relevant.”

“I know, but I just wanted M. to know.”

“Ok, Boys so, what are you thinking?”

“We don’t know what to do, that’s why we called you. The only thing we do know is that if Josh really is pregnant, and by the looks of it, soon to give birth, we don’t want a media circus ruining our lives or the kid’s life forever.”

“Yes, and that would be unavoidable given the novel circumstances, I’m afraid unless this is handled with the utmost discretion.”

She paused and continued “I’ll tell you what. I’ll come there right now. I’ll leave within the next few hours, and I’ll help you figure this out. If nothing else, I do also happen to have midwife training.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” Peter asked.

“M. Really, you’ll come and help us? Thank you so much.” Josh felt genuinely moved. They both felt better.

“Ok, I’ll make arrangements, you text me your location, and I guess, I’ll be there this evening or tomorrow. Until then, nothing to do but just be careful.”

“Yes, Mintaka, no sudden handstands on the table.”

“He did what?”

“Never mind you two!” Josh said scarfing down a spare, left-over egg and cheese bagel sandwich he also found in the refrigerator. Peter ended the video call.

“Well, she’s calm,” Peter said.

“We’re calm too, Pumpkin. I mean so what. I’m pregnant. We will have a baby. That’s it. For all anybody ever needs to know, we had been planning a surrogate, and Muriel came to Hawai’i precisely to drop the baby off…”.

“In the middle of our honeymoon!?!”

“Exactly, now help me make some real breakfast.”

“Are we going to wear aprons?”

“You are, but I think I need to borrow your basketball shorts instead.” Peter went and got Josh a pair of oversized basketball shorts. “Thanks,” Josh said kissing Peter. He pulled him close.

“Um, Josh, do you think I’m the other father?” Peter finally popped the question he never thought he would ever ask in his lifetime.

Josh plunked Peter in the nose “Of course, Pumpkin, I’ve not been with anyone else intimately since that weird time in college. Who else could it be?” Josh giggled and giggled as he started preparing batter for french toast. “Do we have any syrup?”

“Well, I figured as much. I just wanted to make sure.”

“About the syrup?”

“No about being the baby’s father.” Josh kissed him and hugged him the best that he could now that his pregnant stomach needed to be minded between them.

“Wow!” Peter said. “Who would have thought it, Mr. Expalibour. We are going to be dads?”

“Amazing, right!” Peter heard those words leave Josh’s lips, but his mind turned suddenly to some dark place and he heard some words he had not heard in a while looping in his mind “Give us the child!” These words suddenly had new meaning they had never before possessed. He wondered, “give who the child?” He tried his best to shut these words out of his mind and clear the chills from his spine.

Around eight o’clock that evening, Muriel arrived by taxi. They wanted to pick her up at the airport themselves, but obviously, Josh was not going to be able to go, and Peter was not prepared to leave Josh alone just yet. At the rate this was accelerating, he could give birth at any moment. Peter went out to get Muriel’s bags and bring them into the villa. She hugged them both and pulled out something for Josh.

“I figured you might not have any clothes for this so I stopped and got you the biggest night shirt I could find,” she laughed.

“You always think of everything,” Peter said. After enduring Muriel’s semi-invasive examination, Josh put it on, and it fit perfectly.

“Well, I brought this old stethoscope, let’s see if we can hear a heartbeat.” She put the ear tips in her ears and placed the diaphragm on Josh’s enlarged belly. Peter could not help but think about how sexy Josh looked pregnant. It suited him for some reason. Muriel moved the diaphragm around slowly and then stated calmly but firmly, “I hear the baby’s heartbeat.” She put the ear tips in Josh’s ear so he could listen.

“I hear him in there,” Josh said gleefully.

“How do you know it’s a he?” Peter asked.

“Could be a she,” Josh said. “Either way, I hear the heart beating away. Peter, have a listen.” He handed the stethoscope over to Peter who repeated the procedure. He listened for a few seconds thinking he heard Josh’s heartbeat when he suddenly heard the sound of this little wind-up toy whirring.

“My gosh, Mintaka, we are having a baby?”

“Looks that way,” Josh said.

“Boys, based on my training, which granted was a long time ago, but all I did on the plane was read up on this, Josh is going to deliver the baby any hour now,” Muriel concluded.

“Deliver? How? He doesn’t have the anatomy for that?” Peter mentioned.

“Well, as far as we knew, I didn’t have the equipment for any of this, right? So, I guess the biology will just sort itself out,” Josh said wisely.

“I agree,” Muriel noted. “So, Josh, I suggest you decide where, Peter, and I can start setting things up for home delivery.”

Josh closed his eyes and blurted out, “In the ocean.”

“What? Josh, no way. The open ocean is too dangerous.” Peter said grounded in reality.

“The waterfall pool, then.”

“Well, underwater births have certain advantages, but we need to make sure the water temperature and chemical makeup is suitable,” Muriel suggested.

“I think it’s fine,” Josh said.

“Then it’s decided,” Peter said.

“Ok,” Muriel supported them, “and then let’s get everything else you need to take care of a newborn and hope our lucky stars that there are no complications.”

“How about you stay with Josh, M., and I’ll go to the store.”

“Peter, better go right now,” Josh urged. “The stores will close at ten, and I am starting to feel something. I think it’s going to be soon.”

“Ok, I’m out,” Peter put on clothes and flip-flops and had a hotel limousine there to pick him up in five minutes. “I’ll be back soon.” He blasted out of the villa definitely a man on a mission.

Muriel looked at Josh lovingly. “You are positively glowing, Josh.”

“Thank you, M., and thanks again for coming.”

“Of course, you know that I would do anything for you and Peter. You’re like sons to me.”

“I know, and we appreciate it more than we can ever say.”

“Well, let’s start getting things ready.”

“Towels and boiling water?” Josh asked.

Muriel laughed. “If only this were the movies, then sure. Actually, as long as everything is fine, we don’t need that much. It’s funny because we’ve been living on this planet a long time, and we went a long time with home childbirth and mostly did just fine. Given all of the extraordinary aspects of this, I agree with you. I think everything will be just fine.”

“I was just saying that in front of Peter. I didn’t want him to panic. He’s already been worried I would leave him.”

“Peter? Worried about that? I’ve never seen a stronger bond between two beings in my life.”

“Right? I mean I thought so too, but he was still in fear of that. So, to think he could lose me and our baby?”

“I see, well, I think your initial instincts were correct. Obviously, Josh, you realize you are special right? I mean a male getting pregnant on this world is pretty unheard of.”

“Pretty unheard of in this world, yes, I think it’s never been heard of.”

“So, then, there is something special about you, something special about Peter, and definitely something special about this baby. So, I think everything will be fine.”

“You know, I feel that too, but I don’t know why,” Josh said. “And, come to think of it, you’re unusually unphased by this too? Aren’t you, M.?”

“Hey, at my age, I believe anything is possible.” Josh giggled and hugged her.

“So, let me send this list to Peter,” she said punching a few last things into her phone, “to get at the store because I doubt we’ll find most of it here, and you and I can just relax, you can have a snack, and we can both just calm down.”

“Ok, cool!” Josh said heading to the kitchen.

P

Chat with Peter

9:05 pm

Peter, I hope you’re close to arriving at the store. Here is a list of things that we could use for the home birth. Since we are doing underwater, we don’t need a lot of stuff for the actual birth: 👵🏼

P: Sure, Muriel please send.

disposable gloves, cord lamp, petroleum jelly, hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol, scissors, a digital thermometer, underwater flashlight, snorkel : 👵🏼

P: Oh, way easier than I thought.

Don’t forget you need other stuff for a new baby! Diapers, blankets, onesies, and baby wipes, should get you by for a while until you can really process all of this and think about what you are going to do. : 👵🏼

P: Also, way easier than I thought. What about food?

Oh, good point, baby formula? Bottles, bottle sterilizer, pacifier? Unless? : 👵🏼

P: Unless? You think Josh might be able to feed the baby himself?

I don’t want to make any predictions, but it would seem logical and also maybe why he’s eating so much, not just to rapidly grow the baby, but to be able to feed him or her too.? Think about it. You are in uncharted territory now! But it does seem logical. : 👵🏼

P: True, well, I’ll get stuff to be on the safe side.

Good idea. : 👵🏼

P: Ok, I’m @ the store. I’ll be back soon. Thank you for taking care of my love.

I adore you both. Hurry but travel safe! : 👵🏼

Peter hurried into the store, grabbed a shopping cart, and began rushing around trying to efficiently grab all of the items on the list. After asking a clerk the location of several items, she took his list and led him from item to item in the most efficient manner.

“You having a baby right now or something?” She asked him.

“Yes, Diane, is it?” He asked reading her name tag.

“Yes, you can call me Di.”

“Ok, Di, thank you for your help.”

“No problem, I had little ones of my own. They’re all in high school now, but, I remember it like was yesterday. ”

“Wow, cool, so if you think of anything you think we would need for our newborn, that’s not on this list, just put it in the cart.”

“Ok,” so she added a thing here and there as they went along like boxes of protein bars — “Your wife…”

“Forever partner,” Peter interrupted.

“Ok, my apologies, I’m probably never going to get used to all of these changes in terms, is going to need these while nursing. I went through more protein bars in a week than I’d eaten in my whole life I think.” She laughed.

“Should I grab a teddy bear?” Peter asked her.

“Sure, more for you than the baby, but I also recommend getting a lifelike baby doll.”

“Really, why?”

“Give you something to hold while your forever partner is nursing. You can feel more a part of it, or, at least that’s something that worked for me and my husband.”

“You’re still together?”

“I know, the odds are not favorable these days, but I truly think it was things we did like that, that made us last.”

“Seems like you’re more modern than you let on.”

“Modern, sure, just not used to all of the new terms these days you young people use.”

“Got it.”

“So, let me ring you up.” She took his cart over to a register, logged in, and started scanning. Peter assisted by doing all of the bagging himself. “You got a loyalty card, it will save you $50 bucks.”

“Uh, no, I’m sorry.”

She pulled one from her vest and swiped it. “Don’t turn me in, I use the points to buy stuff for the homeless shelter, I swear.”

Peter twisted his lips, “My lips are sealed.”

“How come people always talk after saying that?” Di asked.

Peter just smiled now keeping his lips sealed. He bowed his head to thank her and rushed out with six big bags of stuff in his hands to the awaiting limousine in the parking lot. The car raced back to the resort to their villa. He grabbed the stuff from the trunk and ran up the stairs bursting into the villa tripping over his own feet and landing in a pile of baby supplies. Josh jumped up to help as did Muriel. Josh, immediately took out his phone and captured Peter there in the pile surrounded by diapers, baby clothes, and teddy bears. “Someday, our baby will love seeing this picture of the night his daddy had to rush and get him stuff to be born.” Josh giggled incessantly while Peter and Muriel laughed. Then they helped Peter up onto his feet.

“Today’s lesson, flip flops are not made for running,” Peter added.

“Agreed, I’ve always said, barefooted is the way,” Josh giggled.

They started unpacking and organizing everything. Josh was not sure what all of this stuff was for, but he was glad they had it. Muriel’s job was to organize things into pre and post-piles meaning pre-birth and post-birth. Then Josh would open packages and keep things that were supposed to be sterile as such, and Peter was preparing mostly the stuff for the after phase. Josh came across the baby doll. “You got a baby doll?”

“Yes, apparently it will preserve our forever partnership.” Peter explained, “Or, at least, that’s what Di, the store clerk advised me.”

“Ok, well, you can explain that later,” Josh said giggling again. Then, he felt a sharp pain, sort of a convulsion deep inside in a place where he had never felt anything before in a muscle he had never used. “Damn!” he shouted and then bent over holding the kitchen counter with both hands to support him. Peter and Muriel rushed over to him. “Muriel, you’ve had children. Did you have some strange sharp pains?”

Muriel, glanced up and out a bit, and then laughed kindly. “Um, yes, Josh, and on behalf of all women in the world who typically bear the children, let me say, this is nice to see for once.”

“What a guy in pain?”

“Yes. Because you men talk all about being the father and that, but what did you have to contribute actually? So, turnabout is fair play.”

“Nice,” Peter said giving Josh some ice to chew on.

“Ice? Peter?” Josh said taking it into his mouth whether he wanted it or not.

“I saw it in a movie. It seemed to help.”

Josh sucked on the ice. “Yes, it does.” Then came another pain. “Are these contractions?”

“Probably, let’s get you out to the waterfall pool,” Muriel suggested. “Peter you take Josh, and I’ll grab the stuff we need.” Peter complied and put his arm around Josh walking him carefully stone by stone to the waterfall.

The tiki lamps were all illuminated and the pool looked beautiful. Josh took off Peter’s shorts and went down into the water. Peter left his on and went with him. They got to a shallow region where they could stand up and the water was only waist high. Muriel changed into her suit and then joined the boys in the pool. “I see why you picked this spot, Josh, it’s beautiful.”

Josh managed to utter a semi-unintelligible phrase of thanks maybe. “They are getting sharper and stronger.”

“They are also getting closer together. Does that mean the baby is coming soon?”

“Yes, so here’s what I think will happen. I think Josh needs to crouch down and start to push. That muscle you feel that’s painful, that’s the one. The pain helps you locate it. Then just picture it, and picture squeezing it.” Muriel was so kind and attentive as if she had done this a million times.

Josh crouched a bit and spread his legs apart. Then he wrinkled his face up in the sharpest pain of his life. He listened and followed what Muriel had said and tried to push, but nothing happened but more pain.

“What if he doesn’t have the anatomy for the baby to come out?” Peter said. “Did anyone think this through? You can’t put a baby down a pipe that’s not there.”

“Peter, you’re not helping, there must be a pipe! How did I get pregnant?” Josh said, and then he contracted again. He thought the last pain was painful, but it could not hold a candle to this next one. This time he shouted and yelped with a moan, “Dammmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn ittttttttttt!” Peter instinctively bent Josh back and supported him from behind. This position turned out to be perfect. Josh was semi-floating on his back with Peter supporting him and his feet floating up.

Muriel put on the mask and snorkel and turned on the underwater flashlight. “Gentlemen, I’m going under.” She dove under her midwife training taking over. She spread Josh’s legs farther apart, and she shined the flashlight in. So far, she could not see much, so she resurfaced. “Ok, Josh, I think it’s going to be soon. When the next contraction comes, you’ve got to push with everything you’ve got. Remember the head of the baby is relatively huge compared to the tube. It’s going to hurt. It has to hurt. But, if you relax into the pain, and you squeeze with all of your might, it’s going to happen a lot faster.”

“Ok, I’m going to do it,” Josh said. Peter could not resist kissing him.

“I love you, Mintaka.” Josh smiled at him, just before the next wave of gut-searing pain happened. Peter could tell it was coming because Josh’s face wrinkled up in his forehead and nose. “You look hella sexy babe,” he said.

“I’m feeling something,” Josh said as the pain grew sharper but somehow more understandable and therefore manageable. He focused on pushing as Muriel suggested, and he could feel now that something was moving. It was working. It was a curious feeling, something that should not have been possible, was clearly possible. This was happening.

Muriel went under again with her flashlight and lo and behold, she could now see the crown of the baby’s head. She instinctively pushed Josh’s legs farther apart again and then rose up.

“Ok, Josh, I can see the crown. The baby is coming. This next one, in my experience, is going to, suck, pardon my French, but you are shoving a grapefruit through a hole designed for a carrot.”

“Hey,” Peter complained.

“Cucumber,” she changed her word.

“So, it’s going to sear for a moment; and then, if can mount some rapid quick pushes in succession, the baby can be out like that.”

“But, can I control this?” Josh asked. “I mean, don’t some labors take hours and days?”

“Calm down, Josh, don’t think about it, just let it happen. If it takes hours, we are here for you. This baby grew this big in a day, do you think it’s going to take hours to be born?” Muriel reasoned with him. Everything she said made sense.

“No, ok, got it. Push, and then rapidly push.” Josh tried to prepare for this mentally. On the one hand, he wished he had had more time to prepare, on the other, maybe not. Peter saw the sign of the next contraction on Josh’s face.