We Are NOT Alone

Just as they had been delivered to the jet on the tarmac by limousine, Peter and Josh were greeted and picked up in Honolulu the same way with one difference. Of course, there was a welcoming party in fabulous Hawaiian shirts and grass skirts, some bearing flaming torches, standing ready to present them each a beautiful lei. The biggest of the men welcomed them again and presented them with a refreshing beverage. “This is our finest blend of local pineapple juice, coconut milk, and our own special, imported non-alcoholic, blue curaçao. Enjoy.” Josh and Peter each took a fluted champagne glass of the elixir as they got into the limousine. They thanked the greeting party and waved adieu standing up through the moon roof and looking up at the stars. The driver shut the door and walked to get into the front of the car. The sun was setting. Josh looked happier than he ever had, and he was. Peter too. Peter hugged Josh, and they clinked glasses.

“Cheers, Babe,” Josh said.

“Cheers, Mintaka,” Peter said. Quicker than Josh imagined, they were heading away from the lights of the city. The resort was neither too far nor too close to the city. As much as Josh had thoroughly enjoyed traveling in the lap of luxury and feeling like a celebrity, he was ready just to settle into their room, chill, and have Peter all to himself for the next few days. Therefore, he was very pleased to find they were pre-checked into the resort and were able to be dropped off at their villa without any additional fanfare.

While it was too dark to realize how beautiful the resort and surroundings actually were, thus was not true for the inside of the villa. Josh turned, once again into a kid in a candy shop rushing around exploring every part of the spacious abode. This was an unusual five-star resort. Many mainland travel agents referred to it as ‘eono hoku’—something they translated online as ‘six stars’ in Hawai’ian not knowing if it was correct or not, because they literally had every amenity, the diamond standard of platinum service, and no two rooms nor villas were alike in the entire resort. Anyone could stay there more than one hundred times and alway feel like they were in a different place. After completing his exploration he whipped off his shirt as he was prone to do when he felt at home someplace.

“Last one into the hot tub is a rotten egg,” he started running for it.

Peter, however, called out to him. “Hold on, Mintaka, not so fast. Come with me please.” Josh put the brakes on his feet freezing in his tracks. He turned and saw Peter standing there by one of the many sliding glass doors — one of which he had not taken much notice before. It may have been behind a shade or drape. He put back on his shirt and hurried over to join Peter. Peter slid open the door revealing a stone path into a grotto. Both still barefooted, he took Josh by the hand and led him hopping carefully from stone to stone between a set of trees that then opened up to one of the most amazing waterfalls Josh had ever scene — in pictures — he had never seen a real waterfall before. Josh stood there transfixed. The sound was glorious and the pool, illuminated by a ring of brilliant tiki torches, was magnificent. Josh assumed they were there for a swim and, started to whip off his shirt and started to pull away. Peter tugged him back gently without causing him to lose his balance. “Tomorrow, Mintaka, I promise” Peter said.

“Then where?” Josh asked eagerly wondering what could be next. Peter guided him again hopping from stone to stone, past another line of trees. Unexpectedly, out of nowhere, everything opened up to a private beach. “What? Peter? Our own beach?”

“I told you, Hogan got the transportation and Teagan got the resort, right?”

“Yes, but I never imagined this: a beautiful villa, a waterfall, a beach?”

“Nothing is too good for you.”

“Yes, one thing is.”

“What?”

“You!”

“No, I am just perfect for you.” Peter pulled Josh out onto the sand. It felt glorious between Josh’s toes. Everyone knew he loved to go barefoot all the time, but going barefoot in fine sand was pure heaven for him. He walked along wiggling his toes and burrowing in a bit with each step. Peter grabbed him around the waist and hugged him then directed him a bit further to the edge of the water. There was nothing but moonlight and starlight in any direction to illuminate the night. They walked along the beach feeling the waves roll over their feet and wash away the sand with each step. Peter kept leading Josh along when they came upon a sort of covered outdoor pavilion. Josh did not know what to call it.

“What is this place?” Josh asked as they climbed up the stairs. It was a covered outdoor deck with lounge furniture, a wet bar, a barbecue grill, etc. Peter kept leading Josh when they suddenly appeared out on a balcony overlooking the ocean. It was like being on the bough of a ship.

“At last, we are here.” Peter said putting his arm around Josh and pulling them together side by side.”

“You planned all this? So specifically? Have you been here before?”

“Um?”

“Well?”

“Ok, truth or dare?”

“Both,” Josh giggled.

“Both?”

“Sure, I want the truth and I dare you to kiss me!” Josh giggled again. It was his ‘I love you’ giggle for sure.

“Ok, well, truth is, this villa is kind of our family’s time share.”

“What? Our family!”

“Yes, it is now yours and mine — part of the wedding gift.”

“Oh, my gosh, Peter, no way, I never imagined….”. Peter cut him off with the dare kiss. He kissed Josh so dearly and devilishly at the same time, and Josh received and reciprocated matching his kiss nuance by nuance. Eventually, they paused and looked out at the ocean as the last rays of the sunset disappeared in the distance and the glow of stars in the sky and arriving moon took over the duty of guarding the night.

“Wow, Pete, this is surreal. I never thought I’d see nor experience anything as beautiful as you are, but this might be the place and this might be the time.”

Peter hugged him. “For me, I didn’t need a forever partnering ceremony, a forever partnership, a honeymoon. There is only one thing I ever needed, and that I think you know by now is you, Mintaka. You are the most beautiful person in the whole world to me. I didn’t think becoming forever partners would change anything. But, I was extremely wrong. I could not have known until now, how this would literally change everything. I thought you were the most important person and most incredible person and most amazing person in my life, but now I know, with every fiber of my being, all three to be true. I don’t just think anymore, I know. You are it. You are everything.”

Josh tried insanely hard to resist it, but he could not. A tear rolled down his cheek. Growing up the youngest and only out gay kid, in a family that loved and supported him but in a community that did not always really know what to make of him, he never expected to be in such a place as this with a person who so clearly loved him in a way that could not be defined in words.

Peter, of course as usual, wiped away the rolling tear before it got too far, and kissed the tip of Josh’s nose. He whispered to his new forever partner, “This is love.”

They kissed a few more times and held each other tightly. Peter walked his toes up on top of Josh’s and Josh held Peter dearly to his chest. They looked out at the ocean again and up at the night sky, then they just held each other peacefully for a while soaking in everything: the sounds of the waves, the beams of light from stars, the smell of the ocean and the tropical beach, the bathing luminescent blue glow of the moon, and the feeling of being in the arms of of ones true love and forever partner. Suddenly the thought of ever dying or being separated became real and fundamental to them both at the same instant. A realization that, in fact, time was now no longer infinite as much as it might have seemed so even a moment before, manifested an urgency to make every second count even more than the one before, overtook them simultaneously. Josh squeezed Peter who returned the squeeze. This turned to hugging and passionate kissing. Josh pulled off Peter’s shirt. Peter did the same. They wanted to feel each other’s bodies against their own. Continued to hug, squeeze, and hold each other for a while as if, on some levels, they were discovering each other for the first time, it seemed as though their entire lives to this point had been nothing but a dress rehearsal, and they merely the understudies thrust into the starring roles. After a few more minutes of this, Peter paused.

“What?” Josh asked looking into the glimmer of the now-rising moon reflecting in Peter’s beautiful eyes.

“I’ve got one more little surprise. I promise, it’s the last one for tonight,” Peter said. Josh could not imagine what more there could be. Peter released Josh’s toes. He then turned to face the ocean. Josh mirrored his every move. “Mintaka, take off your ring, please,” Peter instructed politely.

“What?” Josh demanded. “No! I won’t.” For a split second, he felt cold and scared. Like suddenly this whole romantic adventure was going to take a turn for the worse. Peter turned on his cellphone flashlight and took off Josh’s ring for him. Josh started to resist but then acquiesced out of trust. Then Peter tilted the ring and used the flashlight to illuminate the inside of the ring. “What?” Josh exclaimed. He noticed there was something written inside that had never been there before. Focusing on the inscription, Josh read it aloud, “I am yours forever.” Josh was shocked. He had only taken the ring off for a day or so between arriving for the forever partnering ceremony and the forever partnering ceremony itself. How had Peter gotten this done in secret? He looked into Peter’s face. “You never cease to amaze me, Peter Sven Expalibour.” Peter smiled. “Wait, what about yours.” Josh pulled off Peter’s ring. “Wait,” he paused. “Oh, I guess you just already know what this says?”

“Nope, I didn’t cheat you. I will be just as surprised as you. I haven’t taken this off since you put it on my finger earlier today.”

“But, how could you know what I would want your inscription to be?” Josh thought about it carefully. Suddenly, he remembered a strange question from the past. “Wait a minute. Angel asked me something out of the blue a while ago. Were you behind that?”

Peter did not reply, he was dying to find out what Josh unwittingly wrote to him “Let’s find out.” Josh tipped Peter’s ring and Peter adjusted the light to the perfect angle, and he read aloud “I am yours forever!” Peter turned his eyes onto Josh. “How is it possible? We each said the same thing?”

“You didn’t plan it?”

“I promise! I had Angel text what you said to Muriel, and she had the rings engraved for us.”

“Wow! Cosmic. That’s amazing. It’s almost like a magic trick they do on those talent shows we love. You know what I mean, where the magician pulls out the card and your name is impossibly written on it.”

“It’s a sign or proof or a message from the universe. We really were meant for each other.”

“I never doubted it that from the day I first saw you, Pumpkin.”

“Well, Mintaka, I’m going to be honest about something. I’ve never told you before. It’s not a lie it’s just something I have never dared to say before now.”

“Ok, but now you know it’s not true,” Josh thought he knew what Peter was going to say.

“I have never truly felt worthy of you. At first, I knew I could never have as much courage as you. Then, once I got to know you better and realized I was definitely gay, firstly, and in love with you secondly, I never felt I could be as open as you. Next, came your perfection. You are the most insanely perfect human being on this planet. You always know the right thing to say, the right way to say it, and exactly how to make everyone feel good about themselves. You know just the right amount of encouragement to give to get the bird to believe it can fly but not rob it of the discovery of what it feels like to suddenly have that courage to try. You teach second-grade special education kids. You do the work of saints and prophets. You love every weird part of me including my oddly symmetrical feet. You put up with all of my idiosyncrasies to the point I don’t even feel like they are idiosyncrasies anymore — who does that? And you change people. All the time. You make them better. Look at me. I was not one-tenth the person I am now were it not for you being in my life. What life? I realized soon after you became the most important person in my life that without you, I don’t think there is life or, at least, one with any purpose to it. Jerry Maguire said, ‘You complete me.’ You don’t just complete me, you are the 90% of what makes me… me. I learn more from you every day on how to be a person, what it means to really love someone, live without fear of being oneself, or being vulnerable, and the power in that, than I learned in K through MBA. And, I could probably go on all night, but I’ll shut up for now and just say finally that I have, lived an uncertain life, worried just a little every day that you might realize I am not the one for you forever, and all of this could be going up in smoke in an instant. So, to know that you really want to be mine forever, that this is really real, makes me so insanely happy there’s literally nothing more I ever need nor want in this world, in this or any other lifetime.”

Josh was absolutely speechless, maybe for the first time in his life. If his mother were there she would have been speechless at how speechless he was. One of the running family jokes was that Josh yelled at the doctor for pinching his butt so he would start breathing the minute he was born.

“Say something, Mintaka,” Peter wanted desperately for him to say something.

Josh stood there replaying the words in his mind. He had never known that Peter felt this way nor doubted himself nor that Peter could really be so in love with him. Unfortunately, Peter’s words did not have exactly the effect he had hoped. While honest and true, they actually hurt Josh.

Josh knew it was one hundred percent unintentional, still, the deeper meaning hit him hard. This meant that Josh had failed in letting Peter know how deeply he meant to him and that this was an equal partnership in his eyes. Apparently, he had taken some things as obvious or for granted that for Peter, actually were not. Josh knew he was not as perfect as Peter had portrayed him, of course, he had as many faults, flaws, cracks, and warts as any other person. As far as he was concerned, he was the lucky one, not Peter. When he got the courage to ask Peter to the dance, he expected to be turned down. Despite all that Peter said, he felt Peter gave him way more than he gave back. Peter made him feel safer and more protected than anyone had ever made him feel in his whole life, and that included his own parents who did the best job any parents could have done. Yet, their attention was divided between each other and his many siblings. Whereas, he was Peter’s only concern. Josh wondered how all this time Peter had felt worried that he would realize Peter was unworthy and disappear like smoke. How had he not communicated to Peter how much he meant to him all these years so that he would have never experienced even a moment of concern let alone fear or doubt.

So many thoughts were running through Josh’s mind right now. He was replaying every conversation and every incident scanning for clues or anything that could offer him solace. None of this was what Peter would have intended nor what ought to be the focus of his mind right now. This was their honeymoon — the first night. He shuddered from the emotions and a sudden slight gust of cooler air.

“Mintaka, what is it?” Peter finally broke the sustained silence. Josh first took their rings and put them back on their fingers. Next, he directed Peter to hop up onto the deck railing, which was ample for sitting, with his back to the ocean. Josh stood between his thighs and hugged him. He hugged Peter more tightly and more closely than he had ever before in their lives — and they were ardent and firm believers of the importance of human hugging. They hugged all the time, and they both loved it. This hug was different. Josh used his size and considerable musculature to really envelope Peter as best he could. After a couple of minutes of just solid hugging, Josh finally spoke.

“Peter, I hope my silence speaks volumes,” Josh started to unpack his thoughts and prepare what he needed to say, what he should have said days, months, and years ago.

“What’s happening, Josh? Did I say something wrong? Did I upset you?”

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is that you spoke your truth, and I needed to hear that.”

“My truth? Josh? Damn’t, I did hurt you! I screwed this up. I didn’t mean to.” Momentarily, Peter was flabbergasted.

“Not on purpose, Peter. But your words did sting. It’s my fault, though, and I need to own that. I took things for granted, and I assumed things were obvious to you that obviously were not.”

“No, Mintaka, nothing.”

“Yes, Pumpkin, something. So, let me be absolutely crystal clear on this. Since we gave each other those promise rings years ago the night of the junior prom, there has never ever been a single second, let alone day, that you were not worthy of me, that you needed to fear I would ever think of leaving you, and you may never, ever, worry about that again. All these years I thought it was obvious, and I was letting you know in every way I know how that you are…everything in this universe to me.” A few big tears rolled rapidly down Josh’s cheeks. Peter caught them mid-cheek and wiped them away.

“No, sweetheart, I didn’t mean for you to take anything I said that way, I was trying to get you to see how important the thought of losing you was to me. I don’t ever want to lose you, Babe. I don’t ever want to be apart from you — I mean I know that practically, we have to do our jobs and have me time, etc., but actually I don’t need me time. I just need you time. That is all.” Peter squeezed Josh wrapping his legs fully around him too. Josh smiled. Just as suddenly as this semi-dark moment emerged, it was washed away by tidal waves of bliss. They got each other, and deep down they both knew it.

“I know, and I am going to dedicate the rest of my days to making sure you know how much that means to me and that it is one hundred percent reciprocal.” The moon was shining brightly overhead. They both looked up at it for a moment; and then, when their gazes reconnected, they kissed. “Shall we go back?” Josh asked. Peter squeezed Josh hugging him with arms and legs. Then he hopped down careful not to land on Josh’s feet. He took Josh by the hand and started leading him back retracing their steps back just as they had come.