Until You (Off-Limits)

I reach out hesitantly, a small part of me hoping that I’m wrong. A thousand different excuses run through my mind. Maybe they’re a gift for me. Maybe they’re a pair of old shoes I’ve just forgotten about. I know I’m lying to myself, and I hate myself for it.

I grab the shoes, my grip tightening around the heel. They look familiar, and my heart sinks when I realize why.

I tense when I hear a sound… a giggle. I’m in a strange state of denial as I stand up and force my feet forward, toward our bedroom. It’s like my brain knows exactly what’s happening, but my heart refuses to believe it.

My stomach twists painfully when I notice the trail of clothes leading to the room. Part of me wants to walk away, to pretend this isn’t happening, but a larger part of me refuses to do that to myself.

I take the last few steps toward the bedroom, my entire body trembling. They didn’t even close the door. The sounds coming from the room break my heart. A strange helplessness fills my body. It’s like I’m on a collision course, yet I can’t get myself to walk away.

I swallow down my tears as I make it to the doorway. I knew what I’d find, yet somehow, I struggle to make sense of what I’m seeing. Brad, the man thought I’d spend my life with, is in bed with another woman. Not just any woman — Britney from HR. The same girl that keeps encouraging me to apply, that promised me she’d do whatever she could to get me the job I want. She’s been so friendly to me, and she got even friendlier when I started dating Brad. I should have known her intentions weren’t pure.

I lean back against the wall, out of sight. My eyes fall closed, yet the image of the two of them haunts me. Brad has her in his arms, his lips pressed to her forehead. He’s never once held me that way. Every single time we’ve had sex, he’s gotten up to shower straight after. He always told me that it wasn’t personal, that he hated laying in his own sweat. Yet he doesn’t seem to have an issue with it right now, with Britney. The two of them are tangled in the sheets I spent weeks choosing.

“There’s always another excuse,” Britney says, her voice whiny. “You told me you’d ditch her the second she finished that software for you. I’m tired of only being able to see you during our lunch hour.”

I wrap my arms around myself but that won’t stop the tremors, it won’t ease the pain.

“I know, honey. But I told you, she knows Grayson Callahan. This is my chance to get a better job. Working for him would mean I’m set for life. You and I would be set for life. The pay is good, the benefits are even better, and the opportunity for growth is limitless.”

I hear the mattress squeak, and I can just imagine him leaning over to console her. I don’t have it in me to look.

“It sounds like you just want to keep dating her. When you first approached her, you told me you’d only be friends with her so she’d help you with your work. Then you suddenly started dating her, and now you won’t break up with her? I’m not a fool, Brad.”

I hear him sigh, and I can tell he’s frustrated. “Honey, I told you… I only started dating her because she thought I was flirting with her, and at the time she was doing half my work for me. I couldn’t risk her walking away from that project, and it’s a good thing I didn’t. Her work got me a promotion, it paid for our holidays and those expensive clothes you love.”

I bite down on my lip to keep my sobs in. All the projects I’ve helped him with, all the software I’ve helped him develop… he was just using me. We initially became closer because of the coding I’d help him with. He used to take me out for drinks or dinner to thank me for my help, and I misunderstood. I thought he liked me, that he was falling as hard as I was, but to him I was just a tool. My throat closes up and angry tears run down my cheek, my lungs burning from trying to keep it in.

“That doesn’t explain why you stay with her every time you tell me you’re ending things with her, and it sure as hell doesn’t explain why you live with her.”

“Honey,” Brad says, sounding annoyed. “Why do we have to do this every time? I told you it’s so she could cover half my rent, so we’d have more money for the house we’re buying. The deposit and renovations aren’t cheap, darling. That’s why you’re staying with your parents for now, isn’t it? So we can save up. Besides, I needed easy access to her for some of the projects I had going on. The few hours I saw her weren’t enough to convince her to do as much work as she’s doing for me.”

A tear rolls down my cheek and I will myself to walk away, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to move.

“Tell me the truth. You want her, don’t you? Did you really fall in love with her after all that play pretend? Just tell me, Brad. Tell me the truth. I’m tired of waiting for you. I’m tired of waiting for our life together to begin.”

Brad laughs, the sound vicious. “Want her? Don’t mess around, Brit. Have you seen her? Those short fat legs, the disgusting stretch marks all over her body. I put up with her, but I do not want her. Fuck. She disgusts me. Every time she touches me my skin crawls, and you know it. I put up with it for you, for us. She’s a fucking psycho. Every other night she wakes up screaming about her dead parents or some shit, disturbing my sleep. If I’d known she was this crazy, I’d never have bothered with her, but it’s too late now. I’m already in it, so I might as well milk her for all she’s worth.”

I’ve heard enough. More than enough. I wouldn’t have forgiven him for cheating, but this? This kills me. None of what we had was real. While I was ready to put my dreams on hold for him, he was using me to make Britney’s dreams come true.

I just about manage to swallow down a sob as I walk away. Part of me wants to confront them, but I can’t do it. I can’t stand any more of this. I need to get out before I fall apart. I don’t want them to see. I don’t want them to know that they broke what was left of me.