Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

Dorian stood, a plate holding his third piece of pie in hand, as Raphael adjusted the straps securing the counterfeit Ouroboros breastplate.

“That should hold her,” Raphael patted Dorian on the shoulder. “What do you think?”

Dorian inserted another flaky forkful into his mouth and checked his appearance in a highly polished shield that Granny held in front of him.

“It looks good! Not quite as ornament-y as the real one, but I think it will do the trick.”

“ I did what I could to replicate the emblem. I think that it is rather nice considering the time that I had and the materials at hand.” Raphael placed his index finger at the edge of the crest. He traced its outline as he spoke.“The ouroboros, the earth element, encircles the koi, which represents water, and the pheacock, which represents wind and fire. It is said that the armor is powered by the essence of these eternal creatures. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? How the perceptions of infinity, hope, and rebirth are used to move a creature as humble as a man through the streams of time?”

Dorian wiggled around a bit, raising and rotating his arms. “It’s far less pinchy in the armpits. Very nice!”

“That, too!” Raphael laughed.

“Try this on.” Granny tossed her vest to Dorian. “It should blur the edges a bit.”

Dorian pulled the wolf fur onto his back. It was a mid-thigh length accessory on Granny, but it rode waist length on him. He twisted and turned to get a good look at his reflection and struck a pose.

“It’s what all the on-trend Cro-Magnon cabana-barians are wearing this season!” Dorian chuckled.

“It certainly looks better on you than it did on that homewrecker I took it from. I huffed and puffed and blew his ass away!” Granny passively boasted.

“And the pigs worshiped you like a queen! Blah, blah, blah. How many times do I have to hear that story?” Raphael groaned.

“You should see her apartment at the motel. Furs, gold, and silver trophies a-plenty!” Dorian chimed in.

“Haters gonna hate!” Granny flipped a double bird. They all laughed.

“By the way, even the silver ones are for first place!” She added. “Now, it’s time for you to get that pie-filled tuchus moving.”

Dorian’s heart stuttered. For a moment, he had forgotten that he was in the middle of a mission. Granny took his plate from him and put it in the basin. He inhaled deeply to get one last whiff of pie.

“Raphael, you’ve been a great help and a generous host. I hope one day to return the favor.”

“And I hope to collect on that someday!” Raphael replied.

“And no one will be collecting on anything unless someone accomplishes something!” Granny patted Dorian on his behind and urged him along. “Time to make the doughnuts!”

Raphael escorted the pair out of the shop and watched from the doorway. Dorian waved over his shoulder as the two disappeared from his view. Granny guided Dorian through the winding streets until they reached a point where the buildings stopped but the street continued through a gateway in a chest-high, stacked stone wall and into the grasslands beyond.

“This is where we part ways, Dory. Just stay on the road. You’ll know you’re at your destination when you get there.”

Dorian blankly stared into the distance.

“What’s the problem?” Granny asked.

“Following the road seems like a hackneyed approach. Shouldn’t it at least be made of yellow bricks or lined with gold?” Dorian suggested.

“Where the hell do you think you are? It’s the fifteenth century! You’re lucky it’s paved at all! You can practically see the friggin’ portal in the distance. Get your sweet ass moving!” Granny rebuffed.

“I’m not complaining. I just . . .”

“The hell you aren’t! No one likes a whiny hero. Yellow bricks! Did Dorothy start her journey with a belly full of pie? I don’t think so!”

“She didn’t start it with you yelling at her to move her ass, either!”

“I said sweet ass,” Granny corrected.

“Why do you do that? Why yank me around like that?”

“Because you can handle it. Plus, it thickens your skin.”

Dorian huffed in anguish.

“Plus, I’m Numia, the demi-goddess in charge of awkward moments and unfortunate circumstances. I’m kind of a bitch at times,” Granny shrugged.

Dorian chuckled and began to respond, but Granny wagged a finger.

“Don’t even,” She warned.

She motioned for Dorian to move closer. He was hesitant at first but complied. Granny kissed him on the cheek.

“You’ll be fine. Remember, brains before brawn, but if brawn is required then kick his butt!”

“Thanks. I will.”

Dorian passed through the gate and began walking toward the portal.

“One more thing,” Granny called.

Dorian stopped and turned.

“Yes?”

“I have you and Cadence on the schedule for Monday so try not to dilly-dally.”

“Okee-dokee. We’ll see you Monday!” Dorian gave the thumbs-up and then resumed his trek instilled with a bit more confidence. Granny knew what to say and when to say it. She was good.

Low grass and patches of moss ran along both sides of the pathway and blanketed the ground as far as Dorian could see. The sky was clear, blue, and empty except for the single swirl of white that spun slowly above a transparent column that rose from the ground and pushed toward the sky. Dorian thought the addition of a giant melting clock to the landscape would make for a great surrealist painting. A low rumble of rushing water grew louder as he approached the portal. The light breeze at his back intensified the closer he got to the column. The grass near the base of the column strained in the direction of the updraft.

Dorian picked up a pebble from the road, tossed it into the rising water, and watched it shoot up into the swirling cloud high overhead. He sidestepped closer and closer until he was within arm’s reach of the reverse waterfall. He cautiously reached forward with his single, nonaugmented hand to feel the powerful rush of water. It scraped against his fingertips like sandpaper and he withdrew his hand quickly. He scanned his surroundings, sure that there had to be something that he was meant to use to travel up to the column, but there wasn’t anything to be found. He took a few steps back to reassess the situation. He knew what he had to do. He double-checked the straps on his bracer and on the breastplate to make sure they were secure. He took a deep breath, ran forward, and dove upward, hands over his head into the waterspout.