Torn (All Torn Up Book 1)

I thought of you today.

But then again, I think of you every day.

The only difference was today

I could think of you without pain.

Without crumbling.

Today, I thought of you, and I smiled.

And it was all worth it.

I’d do it again.

Every tear, every sleepless night, every day of missing you.

I would do it all again, just to have you.

I miss you. I want you. I love you.

I wish for you.

Kenzi

I love waking up at the Inn because the cool breeze blows through the bedroom windows, and I can see and hear the water if I sit up in bed. Watching the sun set and rise every day is a beautiful bonus.

My moment of tranquility on the tenth day of my visit quickly fades as my eyes lower from the view out my window to Snuggles in her cage. Usually, she sits atop her little wooden house, and also stares out the window or sleeps peacefully up there, enjoying the fresh air, her little bunny nose twitching.

But today, she’s laying on her side in the cage, up against her pile of hay. Throwing my quilt off, I race over to her cage and pull the little door open, reaching inside to stroke her.

‘Snuggles?’

My tiny best friend is unmoving. Not breathing. Her little nose incredibly still.

She’s gone.

‘No, no, no…’ I whisper, gently stroking her ears. ‘Please wake up.’

Years and months of pent up anguish roll over me as I lean my forehead against the metal cage. The heartache that came from losing my mother, then my little cousin, the teasing at school, and the confusion with Tor rips through me as I stroke my bunny’s tiny lifeless body.

I want it all to stop. I want off this ride.

I didn’t realize I was screaming and going into hysterics until Aunt Katherine came rushing into the room and had to pull me away from the cage while Tina covered it with a sheet and they both sat with me on my bed, trying to calm me down. Katherine made me chamomile tea and rocked me like a baby while I cried over my little rabbit that lived so much longer than most do, but still wasn’t long enough. I feel safe having my aunt comfort me like my mother used to, so I let her, instead of fighting it like I normally would. If I close my eyes and listen to her voice, it’s almost like mom is here with me again, telling me everything is going to be okay, and she loves me with all the love in the world.

I cry until I have no more tears left, and then Katherine puts me on the phone with my father, who cries with me and offers to come be with me, but I tell him no. There’s no sense in disrupting his schedule and making him drive all the way out here, so I assure him I feel much better after having a good cry and I’m in good hands here at the Inn.

After Katherine leaves to prepare the mid-day snack for her guests, I fall asleep, exhausted from crying. I dreamt that Toren came to me, the faint scent of his earthy cologne enveloping me in its familiarity as he gently brushes my hair from my face and presses his lips to my cheek.

‘I’m so sorry, Angelcake,’ he whispers.

‘Tor?’ He’s here, sitting on the edge of my bed. Blinking, I expect him to vanish back into my dream, but he’s still here, big and incredibly masculine in this tiny room with its canopy bed and flowered curtains.

‘You’re really here?’ I push myself up to lean against the headboard, eyeing him, still expecting him to disappear.

If smiles could heal broken hearts, his definitely holds that magic. ‘Of course, I’m here. Your father called me after he talked to you.’

I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tight. I love this man without end. No matter what, I know that will never, ever change. He is my heart.

His muscular arms circle me and he holds me until I slowly and very reluctantly pull away from the haven of his chest. ‘I’m so glad you came,’ I say, reaching for a tissue from the box on my nightstand. I don’t want to cry anymore, but new bittersweet tears are already welling up behind my eyes.

‘I loved her, too,’ he says simply. ‘And I have something for you.’ He reaches into his worn leather jacket and my mouth falls open as he pulls out Mopsy, my old, raggedy stuffed bunny that he gave me for my fifth birthday. I thought I had lost her and threw quite a tantrum, which led to him taking me to adopt Snuggles.

I slowly take the plush toy from him, confused as to how he has it after all these years. The ear is ripped, just like it was long ago, so I know this is definitely the same toy and not a similar one he found at a garage sale someplace.

‘It’s my Mopsy… I thought she was gone. I totally forgot about her.’

‘I know,’ He nods and a faint smile crosses his lips. ‘A few days after you lost it, I found her in the bushes by the front door of your house. It must have fallen out of your little backpack,’ his smile turns into a disappointed frown. ‘I feel like shit that I didn’t give it to you, Kenzi. I just wanted something of yours, I think. It’s been in my closet all this time. I know I’m an asshole-‘

‘No,’ I stop him, my voice wavering. ‘You’re not. I totally understand,’ I reach out and hesitantly touch his cheek, making him look at me. ‘I wanted your things, too. I always wanted some part of you to hold onto.’

‘I guess I felt that about you, too.’

My heart hammers as we stare at each other, his dark gaze drifting from my eyes, to my lips, then back to my eyes again, debating. Struggling. I hold my breath, waiting for him to kiss me again, feeling that intense undeniable pull, but instead, he grabs my hand from his cheek, quickly brushes his lips across my knuckles, and rests my hand on the bed, pulling his away.

‘Kenzi…I can’t.’ His stormy eyes close and he shakes his head.

I nod and hug my stuffed toy against me, biting my lip to keep my tears at bay. He scoots closer to me on the bed, his leg pressing against mine through the thin quilt that’s covering me, and I want him closer. I want to know what it would feel like to mold my body up against his and fall asleep in his arms. I’m envious of childhood me, who used to climb on his lap and nap with my head nestled between his shoulder and his neck.

‘If it’s okay with you, I’m going to take Snuggles back to your house tonight, and I’m going to bury her next to your water fountain. And when you get back home, we can plant some flowers and get a special stone for her, okay?’

‘You’d do that?’ This incredibly sexy man, who must have better things to do, is going to drive almost six hours round trip to bury my pet bunny for me. Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love him more, the space in my heart that is only for him doubles in size. I blink at him, teetering between bursting into tears again and wanting to kiss him madly. Is this my pseudo-uncle taking care of me or is this a man who has feelings for me doing things that would make him the most awesome boyfriend in the world?

‘That’s why I came here so fast. I thought you’d want her home.’

I’m unable to bring himself to look at him. I’m afraid if I do, I’m going to kiss him, whether he wants me to or not, because he’s got my heart in a major chokehold right now. ‘I’d like that a lot.’ I manage to say.

‘Listen, Angel. I know how much you love visiting Katherine. Don’t let this ruin your stay, okay? I don’t want you to attach bad memories here. You gave that rabbit an amazing life; she lived way longer than most rabbits do, and I think this was where she wanted to go – sleeping in your room close to you, with a beautiful view. Fuck, if I had the choice, I’d go the same way someday.’

I finally look up at him, and I can’t hold back what I’m feeling any longer. ‘Do you have any idea how much I love you?’

His broad chest rises and falls slowly, and I now recognize this as him trying to gain control of himself. Trying to prevent another collision. As he absently touches the plush toy lying between us, he answers in a soft, somewhat melancholy tone.

‘I hope as much as I love you.’

Yes, I do.

He slowly stands, and I feel like he’s taking pieces of my heart with him. Pieces I need to be whole. I have no doubt we’ve always loved each other, but now I’m not sure what kind of love this is. I used to think love was love and there was no gray area, but I’m learning it’s just not that simple after all. Love is like an onion, with a lot of layers and a lot of tears before you get to the good part.

‘I want you to go in the other room while I take care of her. Then I have to head out so I can get home before dark. Your dad’s waiting for me. Apparently he wants to supervise and say some words.’

I can’t help but smile through sadness, because that is so much like my father to want to do a eulogy for a bunny.

‘Okay…can you wait out in the hallway for a few minutes while I get dressed?’ All I have on is the thin t-shirt and boy shorts I slept in last night and even though he’s seen me barely dressed a hundred times, it suddenly feels too intimate.

I catch him glance down my body hidden beneath the blanket before he looks away, pulling my beanie hat down a little lower over his forehead. ‘Yeah…I’ll come back in a few minutes.’

Just as he reaches my door, I call out to him. ‘Hey, Tor?’

He stops and turns around with a questioning look on his face.

‘When I get home, I’m giving this back to you. I want you to have it.’ I hold up Mopsy, and he grins and nods before he closes my bedroom door behind him.

I wait on the back porch as Tor prepares my bunny and puts her and her cage in his truck, and when he comes back to the house to say goodbye to Katherine and me, I walk back outside with him so we can be alone before he makes the drive back home.

‘I can’t even tell you how much this means to me, Tor.’

‘I already know. Just remember what I said, enjoy your summer.’

‘I will.’ The breeze carries his cologne, and I inhale it deep into me, aching to have any part of him be mine to keep. I don’t want him to leave. I want to grab his hand and walk along the water with him and make wishes. I want to watch the sunset with him and cuddle up with him against the cool breeze and talk the night away. ‘I’ve missed you since I left, Tor. I don’t like not talking to you.’

He looks at his feet and then slowly back up at me. ‘I miss you too. But this doesn’t change anything. There can’t be anything between us.’

I tilt my head and stare up at him, feeling shorter as I stand barefoot next to him on the quiet street. ‘There already is something between us.’

‘Kenzi…’

‘We can try to ignore it all we want, but it’s still there. I don’t think you can just make it go away. Right?’

He stares off behind me now, through the trees and towards the very place on the beach I wish we were cuddled up together right now, instead of standing here in denial.

‘I know I’m young, but I’m not stupid. I know what real feelings are. Can you really stand here and say that what we’re feeling isn’t happening?’

‘No.’

‘Why are you so against it? Maybe we could be happy…’

His head snaps to face me. ‘We can’t, Kenzi. You’re seventeen. I’m fucking thirty-two. You’re my best friend’s kid. Trust me, it would never, ever work. Not one person in our lives would accept us. Think about that. Think about how close you are to your family. Think about how close I am to your family. And now think about how disgusted they would be. How much they would hate me. Could you be happy with that?’

I shake my head as the truth of his words sink into my soul like a boulder. ‘No. That would be awful.’

My God, he’s right. I can’t think of one person that would be happy for us. Maybe Chloe, but she would mainly be interested in me having sex with someone older and hot and probably wouldn’t be concerned with much else. Everyone else would go completely ballistic. My father and my uncles would want to kill Tor and most likely send me off to live with nuns.

‘So, that’s why, Kenz. Let’s just be happy we have a great friendship. That’s more than most people have. How’s the saying go? Lovers come and go, but friends are forever? That’s what I want. You, in my life forever, with nothing fucking it up.’

‘I want that too. I just thought…’ I lick my lips nervously as I bravely look him in the eye. ‘I thought I could make you happy.’

His complexion pales a shade. Maybe two shades. ‘Kenzi, you do make me happy. I love hanging out with you. But I need a real woman to be in a relationship with,’ he rubs the scruff of his face and looks at me uncomfortably. ‘There’s things I need and want that you can’t give me.’

I try to swallow past the lump of embarrassment, anger, and sadness that has lodged in my throat.

‘Oh.’ Of course. He’s talking about sex, and while he knows I’m a virgin, he probably can also figure out that I’ve not done much more than kiss. Men seem to have a radar for that sort of thing and I must be a big red beeping dot on the inexperience map. ‘But maybe you could teach-‘

He interrupts me before I can go any further. ‘No. Hell no. We are not talking about this,’ he lets out a low whistle and shakes his head. ‘You gotta stop doing this to me, Kenz. It’s not cool. I’m only human, ya know. I mean, fuck.’

‘I’m sorry.’

He grabs my hand and holds it in his, and it brings me back from sinking into the depths of extreme awkwardness. ‘I love you,’ he says. ‘Seriously, you’re my favorite person on this planet. But I want us to go back to how we were. Friends, okay?’

‘Okay.’

My legs get weak when he winks at me and I hold onto his hand for a moment too long as he tries to let go. ‘Now I’m heading outta here to take care of your bunny. I’ll text you later.’ He places his hands on the sides of my head and leans down to kiss my forehead. His affectionate gestures cause my heart to twirl. He’s always been this way, but my body’s and heart’s reaction to it lately is entirely different than it’s ever been before. When I was little, it made me feel adored. When I was an early teen, it felt annoying and embarrassing. But now, it’s a life force I can’t seem to get enough of.

‘I don’t want you to be sad. Enjoy your vacation. Promise me?’

‘I promise.’

I wave to him as his truck pulls away from the curb, the hero who bought me a bunny to cheer me up when I was five years old now driving her little body back home to lay her to rest for me. I know I shouldn’t be feeling so deeply for him, or wanting to feel his lips on mine and be tangled in his embrace, but I crave all of that and so much more.

If he thinks I can’t be a real woman and make him happy in every way a man needs to be happy – that he needs to be happy – then I’m going to prove him wrong. My mom told me to always follow my heart, and mine is galloping towards him like a wild horse.