TITAN

Eric and Melanie met just before middle school a couple of years after Sarah died. Eric went to a small, private elementary school, where many of his classmates had gone together since kindergarten. Eric had a close knit group of friends: Jim, Drew, Kyle, Sophia, Kathryn, and Blake. Everyone grew up together.

Eric, Drew, and Jim were the closest of all, having been together in school the longest. Sophia and Katherine were close girlfriends, though. Blake didn’t join the school until the fourth grade, but boys make friends easily and he was accepted after a good Super Soaker war party.

In the lower grades, Katherine and Sophia played with the guys at recess, but boys and girls didn’t interact much outside of that. As the fifth grade rolled around, the guys and girls started hanging out together more. All of their parents knew one another, too—Drew lived close to Katherine and Sophia in the Springfield suburbs. Eventually, they all started getting together for birthdays, hanging around at the mall on weekends, seeing movies, and pool in the summertime.

By the sixth grade, boys and girls started noticing each other as they do. The boys grew muscles and the girls grew breasts. Everyone had acne. Even though Katherine and Sophia were pretty, it felt “out of bounds” for Eric, Jim, or Drew to consider them as anything more than friends—they were like sisters. That was the year Melanie came to their school—a new girl without the baggage of having grown up with everyone. She was beautiful, vulnerable, and shy. Eric thought so anyway.

Melanie didn’t talk much at first. Eric and his friends were open, though; the only people they didn’t like were the ones that thought they were too cool for school—every class has them. Melanie gravitated toward Sophia and Katherine. By proxy, that included Eric and the guys. Eric had noticed Melanie before, but the lunch when she first sat down with them was the first time he had seen her smile. It seemed to light her face from the inside and filled her cheeks with a delightful pink hue.

Melanie’s dad was a lawyer who had wanted to work for the U.S. Attorney’s Office in D.C. for many years and finally made it. They moved from Texas. Eric thought Melanie’s Texas accent was sexy. She came from a big family—two brothers and two sisters, and her mom was pregnant again. The baby had since been born and was now five and attending kindergarten at their old school. Melanie liked poetry and music and hated basketball.

Eric absorbed all of these details like a sponge. He wanted to know everything about her. Eric was just a boy, though—he wasn’t like some of the other guys in his class who had already gone on dates—girls terrified him. It was the same paralyzing fear he felt in the present about Rose—what if he liked her but she didn’t like him? Eric did nothing and said nothing about how he felt. He went on talking to Melanie every day and never let on that he thought she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met.

This continued for two years. Eric was too afraid that Melanie didn’t like him the same way he liked her so he didn’t say anything. As the eighth grade wound down, Eric and Melanie were in the same chemistry class. The teacher, Mrs. Brouchard, changed seating assignments after every test—higher scores sat in the back of the room and lower scores sat right in front. For the last quarter of the year, Eric was seated right next to Melanie in the second to last row on the left side of the room. By this point, they knew each other well enough to talk and get along, but Melanie was still shy. The boy/girl barrier had still not quite been broken with her. Eric thought if he couldn’t be with Melanie, he could at least make her laugh. Mrs. Brouchard had a very thick Irish brogue and Eric impersonated her all of the time because Melanie laughed at it every time with her sweet, light giggle. Every time she laughed, her shyness broke and Melanie relaxed.

Eric always dramatized the events of his life like it was a TV show or a movie. In Eric’s head, Melanie was his great, unrequited love. He couldn’t just ask her out or tell her how he felt—it had to be an “event.” He was just a boy who watched too much TV.

It felt a little strange wanting to become more with Melanie since she was a part of their group. Everyone went together and he feared how things would change if he and Melanie became a couple. Could everyone still be friends?

Not long after his class graduated from the eighth grade, Eric finally asked Melanie out. The importance of the moment, built up in his head for so long, finally matched his expectations. Of course, he waited until the last minute.

Every class that graduated from St. Thomas' Catholic School went to a park in Virginia, near Richmond, called Monarch Amusements. It is a typical amusement park with roller coasters, a water park, greasy over-priced food, and animal mascots lumbering around in ninety degree weather. It was a fun time for kids, but not really for adults. Then again, a lot of things that kids love are usually not what adults like.

Everybody boarded the bus in the school parking lot early in the morning so that they could get to the park when it opened. It was a tour bus that had little TVs every two seats. Since it was a school sanctioned trip, the edgiest movie they could watch was The Mighty Ducks. Mostly, everybody talked and enjoyed their friends' company throughout the ride. Eric and his friends were lucky in that they were all going to St. Paul's for high school—a lot of grads from St. Thomas went on to St. Paul's, but not everyone. Some people would no longer get to see their friends every day.

Eric maneuvered into a seat next to Melanie, across the aisle, on the bus. He tried not to stare at her. She was dressed down more than he had ever seen her. Her long blonde hair was untied and flowed around her face, and she wore jean shorts and a tight tee shirt with her bikini top outlined in it. Eric focused on Jim's ugly mug to contain himself.

At the park, things did not get off to a good start. Eric's group got divided in two between people who rode roller coasters and those who didn't. Melanie did not, but Eric did. Also, since his parents volunteered to be chaperones, Eric couldn't just join Melanie's group. Eric would be apart from Melanie until lunch time when his group and the other one led by Sophia’s mom would meet up at the Dinosaur Grill in the center of the park.

As they walked to their first ride—the “Rattlesnake,” a loopty-loop roller coaster—Jim fell into stride beside Eric.

“So, today’s the day, huh.” Jim said.

“…for?” Eric had never told anyone his secret.

Jim nodded at Melanie, still within sight, walking with Katherine. “Melanie. You’ve got to say something before we get to high school. Things are going to change. Maybe you won’t have any classes together. Ask her out.”

Eric deflated. “What? Melanie? You’re kidding, I don’t…”

“Dude.” Jim’s tone was even. “At lunch, I’ll get Katherine’s attention. You talk to Melanie.”

Eric never figured out how Jim knew. After that day, it never seemed all that important. Eric appreciated it, though, despite the way things ended.

The two groups unexpectedly converged before lunch at the water park. It was a hot day. The cloudless sky beat down on them with unending white heat. Eric suggested detouring to the water park to cool off.

While they locked their stuff in the cheap quarter lockers at the entrance of the water park, Eric looked over his shoulder and immediately felt he had made the best decision ever when he caught sight of Sophia coming out of the women’s locker room followed immediately by Melanie. In a bathing suit.

Wow.

Jim nudged Eric. Eric dragged his eyes away from Melanie and looked his friend in the eye. Jim said: “Shit.”

Eric smiled and looked back at Melanie. She was wearing a light blue bikini with a sheer wrap around her hips. After two years of seeing her in a frumpy Catholic school uniform or dressed down in jeans and a tee shirt, Eric couldn’t comprehend that this was beneath all of it.

Jim pushed Eric’s face in another direction. “Okay. Now it’s obscene.”

Once Eric’s group changed, they went to the big “beach house” at the center of the water park. It was four levels high with water cannons, gang planks, and a giant bucket of water that filled up and dropped its payload down the front of the structure periodically. St. Thomas planned the trip on a weekday to avoid big crowds this early into the season, so Eric and his friends had the run of the place.

Jim and Drew began waging a water cannon war against each other. Eric made his way towards Melanie. She was flanked on either side by Katherine and Sophia. He almost lost his nerve when two bolts of water snapped out of the “beach house” tagging Katherine and Sophia on their backs. Jim stood behind a cannon on the upper deck and waved to Eric with a big grin on his face.

“Uhhhggg!” Katherine cried out. She didn’t get very wet, but even though it was hot out, the water was bitterly cold. Her skin broke out in fierce goose bumps and her face turned beet red.

Sophia screeched and spun around. Another blast of water nailed her right in the face. Drew jumped back from his cannon in surprise. “I’m trying to hit Eric!”

Katherine and Sophia took off into the “beach house” screaming curses at the both of them. But now Melanie was alone. She looked like she was about to follow them in when Eric caught up with her.

“Hey.”

Melanie looked surprised as her eyes had initially followed her friends. “Oh, hey.”

“I’m not really sure how to say what I want to, so I’m just gonna say it…” Eric looked Melanie in her eyes. Her gorgeous green eyes. But it was hard. It burned at the edges of his vision to maintain her gaze, but he knew that he had to. “I like you. Like you more than, normal… ah, not not normal…”

Melanie held his gaze, too.

“No…”

That word hung there for an eternity. Eric expected the next words to be horrible. Instead, what she said confused him and he didn’t know if it was acceptance or rejection; it was neutral.

“I know what you mean.”

Melanie’s milky, white cheeks flushed bright red. It sounds cartoonish, but Eric watched it happen. Eric didn’t realize it at the time, but he had taken a breath after Melanie said “no” and he hadn’t let it out yet.

Melanie’s eyes searched Eric’s face. The expression on her face was scared. Eric knew it well. He was terrified, too.

The sounds of water and splashing and laughing all faded away. They were together in a tunnel of soundlessness that canceled out everyone but one another—it is a place only young lovers can go when the discovery of love is fresh and new, and it’s as if no one had ever been there before them. Finally, Eric spoke because someone had to.

“Does that mean we could go out? On a date. As you and me, on a date.” Eric said. Once the words were out, he couldn’t have them back and he was out there, open to attack, open to be broken, open to be shut down.

“Yes.” …open to having his feelings returned. One word. Melanie spoke one soft whisper and the knot of Eric’s stomach flesh relaxed. The tension of those muscles glided up his body and tugged at his cheeks, pulling his lips into a smile he couldn’t have stopped if he had wanted to.

“Wow.” Eric tried his best not to let the smile consume his face so he set his jaw and tried to purse his lips. “Okay, then.”

Melanie’s frightful gaze transformed, too. Her response had freed them both. Her cheeks were still red, but she too broke out in a sweet smile. And when she looked at Eric, there was something more in her eyes—a feeling that only she and Eric knew, that they felt the same way about each other.

Their gaze held until the giant bucket of water dropped its payload.

The tunnel of soundlessness around them collapsed and Eric heard the water just before it hit them. Loud, heavy, and crushing. The beach house bucket emptied down on them with hundreds of gallons of chilled, chlorinated water. Eric closed his eyes and clenched his fists until the heavy pressure raining down on him stopped. When he opened his eyes, Eric didn’t understand what he was seeing.

A twisted, blue and white pair of—oh, God.

Melanie screamed. Her hands came up in front of her breasts with whip-cracking speed. Eric only saw for the briefest of instants, but he was paralyzed with embarrassment. He did the only thing he could think of; he reached down and plucked Melanie’s top out of the water. Eric looked away and held the top out for her to grab.

“Gosh, I’m sorry, Melanie, here.”

Melanie snatched her top out of Eric’s hand and ran for the locker room. He followed her at a distance and sat down at a covered table nearby. When she came back out, Melanie’s face was about as red as he’d ever seen it. She angled away from him with a flourish and said, “Oh, God.”

“Hey! Wait.”

Melanie stopped but wouldn’t turn around.

“Look, I’m sorry. I swear, I didn’t see anything.”

“I feel so stupid.” Melanie sounded like she was going to cry.

“Oh, hey…” Eric took a step towards her and touched her shoulder. It was smooth and warm. The feel of her stunned him for an instant. “There’s nothing to feel stupid about. It was an accident… it was a lot of water. I’m sorry I stopped you under the giant water bucket…”

“Not just that. I don’t get it. What do you see in me?” Melanie looked at him. She looked at him but wouldn’t meet his gaze.

The question startled Eric because to him the answer was obvious: “Because you’re beautiful. You have a great laugh. You actually talk to me like a person. I’ve never really talked to a girl the way I talk to you.”

Now Melanie’s eyes lifted to Eric’s. She smiled and her bottom lip trembled. “No boy has ever said anything like that to me. No boy’s ever talked to me like a person either.”

Eric’s butterflies and nerves were gone. He knew and she knew. What was there to be afraid of anymore? “Let’s go talk to each other like people, then.” He touched her hand at first, just a touch, and then he grasped her fingers and pulled her along with him.

“Okay,” Eric said. “You just can’t flash me again.”

Melanie playfully pulled away. “God! Don’t say that!”

Eric remembered that moment always and no clearer than on the day Melanie broke up with him. They had dated for more than two years when it was all over. Together, Eric and Melanie explored the frontiers of young love, feeling longing and not completely alive unless they were with each other. High school didn’t change things… not at first.

Eric and Melanie were content to date, spend time with their friends, and go to school—rinse and repeat. At first, simply holding hands was a treat. Melanie wanted him to put his arm around her in the movie theater. Eventually, he did. Holding Melanie’s soft, warm shoulders felt like just about the most incredible thing in the world. And even better was when her tiny, gentle hands clutched his arm or touched against his chest. The feeling wasn’t incredible because of the touch itself; no, what made it so special was having Melanie touch him because she wanted to. She wanted to feel his skin, his heartbeat, his heat, and his strength. It was intoxicating.

Katherine and Sophia were not as excited about the relationship as Eric and Melanie were. Relationships between the sexes were still new—everyone matured and progressed at different speeds. Katherine had been left behind. She was accustomed to girls hanging out with girls and boys hanging out with boys. Eric and Melanie flew in the face of her worldview.

Unfortunately, what happened to Eric and Melanie was a perfect storm of youth, hurt, and circumstance. It’s been said that high school is a place where young men and women begin to figure out who they are. Melanie began to question who she was. Eric was content for things to stay the same. Melanie wondered why she liked the music she did—was it because she genuinely liked it or was it because she was supposed to like it? Why did she dress like her mom wanted her to? Why couldn’t she wear less and show more? Eric didn’t mind those changes so much… but Melanie changed.

Katherine began to draw Melanie away. Sophia was more accepting of the relationship, but she liked being with her friend, too, so she followed Katherine’s lead. She whispered in Melanie’s ear more and more. Why do you have to spend every Friday night with him? What about a girl’s night? He doesn’t treat you very nice… why do you put up with it?

And what about that? It was true. You see, Eric was not all torn up inside simply because Melanie broke up with him. He was ripped apart because when it came right down to it, he could have prevented it. He could still be with her if he hadn’t been a jerk. At first, it was little things. Eric picked on Melanie for stupid things like her taste in music or movies. Just cute, playful ribbing. But then, the thing that can happen to any guy in a relationship happened: Eric got comfortable. He loved Melanie. That was true and it always was. And just like a young man in love, he was inexperienced. He only knew that he wanted her.

But Eric could be a real bastard.

Eric learned that Melanie was sensitive and quick to cry. So he used it. He manipulated her. He would make her cry to get his way. He’d hang up the phone on her in the middle of conversations, twist her words against her, or give her the silent treatment and feign hurt to ply her emotions. This worked until it didn’t. Melanie toughened up; it took more to make her cry and hurt her feelings—so Eric laid it on thicker. He did it again and again. Melanie cried and wept, feeling her insides torn out each and every time. Finally, he threatened to break up with Melanie. Nothing made her cry as hard as those threats. She pleaded with him not to. She apologized and pledged to do anything to stop him. Eric relied on it like a drug.

But then something changed. Eric learned what it was. Eric threatened to hang up on Melanie once and she said, “Ok.” And she hung up. Melanie called his bluff. But now Melanie had figured it out or at least she wasn’t going to participate any further. In fact, she began to use it on Eric.

Melanie became cold and cynical. It wasn’t just with Eric, but with everyone. Eric only realized later that Melanie didn’t like who she was—that she only liked the music, movies, and pop culture things that she did because it was what everyone else liked. In the end, maybe what happened was more a result of that change than anything Eric did. Eric would never know. How their relationship ended was a confluence of circumstances, but weighted heaviest was Eric’s love, turned ugly abuse. He wanted her so badly that he drove her away.

When the ending approached, Eric should have seen it coming. Maybe he could have changed something. For two months, Melanie was dodgy. She and Eric rarely spent time together. Sometimes it was nice, like it always had been; sometimes it was cold and uncomfortable. And then on their last day together, Melanie was aggressive. She came on to Eric unlike ever before. Melanie had been a prude—she was uncomfortable with herself and she didn’t like to be seen touching in public. Even hand-holding was a problem if her dad saw them.

On the day before they broke up, Melanie was in porn-star training. Sealed away in Eric’s room, Melanie’s hands went everywhere. She pulled him on top of her on the edge of Eric’s bed and slid his hand up her shirt, beneath her bra. She squeezed his hand over her right breast and pressed it into her nipple. A low moan escaped her lips. Her other hand moved up Eric’s shirt and clutched at his chest, pulling at the hair; it then moved down and slipped into the back of his jeans where it grasped his ass beneath his boxer briefs.

Eric had pulled away from her. “Are you sure about this?” Something of his innocent love remained—she was still untouchable.

Her answer was non-committal and if Eric hadn’t had an achingly hard erection in his pants he might have noticed she didn’t say “yes” or “no,” but: “Don’t stop.”

With Melanie’s hand down his pants and his hand clutching her soft, almost powdery breast, Eric wasn’t in a position to disagree. Nothing happened other than some aggressive heavy petting and rubbing, but afterwards, when Melanie left, her kiss goodbye was cold, absent. Then she disappeared out his front door without a glance back.

The next day was the last time Eric talked to Melanie. It was the last time he kissed her. It was the last time he saw that flicker of love they had shared.

Before school started, Melanie pulled Eric aside while he was talking with Jim and Drew. “I have made a decision,” she said.

“Okay,” Eric had said. “About what?”

“About us.” Her tone chilled Eric’s heart. It was the first layer of frost that Eric’s heart grew. He denied it, but Eric knew where this was going. He wished she would have just done it, right then and there. Instead, she walked away. He couldn’t have told you what he learned that day; Eric’s mind was elsewhere. Oddly, instead of thinking about all of the times he had been rude, mean, or cruel, he was thinking only about the moan that rose up from Melanie’s lips when he caressed her breast. He didn’t want it to be the last time, even though he knew that it was.

Melanie’s final revenge was a gut punch. As badly as he’d fucked up, Eric would never forgive Melanie for the cold, calculating way that she ended it. Eric was never vindictive—he just wanted to be with Melanie so badly that he would hurt her to do it. Not a big difference, but it was there.

Melanie waited for Eric after school where they all had waited during dismissal for three years, behind a bush in an alcove off one of the school’s main entrance foyers. No one else was there. Later, Eric learned that Jim and Drew had been lured away by Katherine and Sophia to an after-school giveaway of front-row parking spaces. Melanie sat on the ledge with the bush to her back. Her legs and arms were crossed. Her hair was up in a tight bun. The forward, relaxed, aggressive girl that had pressed her breast into his hand was gone.

“What is this?” Eric asked. He never took his eyes off of her.

“This is breaking up.”

The space behind Eric’s eyes grew white hot and hearing the words “breaking up” spoken aloud finally shattered his delusion. It was over and this time, Melanie was in control. Eric learned that Melanie used that power far more effectively than he ever had.

The only response he had mirrored how pitiful he felt inside, “Why?”

Melanie actually smirked as if she expected the question. “Because I don’t love you.” An arrow pierced his heart. “And I never did.” She twisted it.

Eric clenched his jaw so hard that it hurt. His eyes stared into hers looking for something, scrambling to find some way to get back in, but she was impenetrable. So he said the only thing he had to say: “You’re lying. I know that.”

Melanie hesitated, but only for a moment. “I thought I loved you. But I don’t know what love is. Neither do you.”

Eric’s eyes narrowed. It was the only way he could keep the explosion that had erupted in his brain from bursting out from behind his eyes. “You don’t know what I know. I love you. I have from the day I met you.”

Finally, Melanie reacted, but Eric could see that no matter what he hit her with, he had made her too hard to come back. Melanie looked down and away from him as if seeing the past. Her lip trembled and her voice cracked, “We were different then. What did you think was going to happen, Eric? Are we meant to be? Are we supposed to get married? We’re seventeen. I don’t know myself. You don’t know yourself.”

Eric took her harshest blows and never wavered. Tears welled up around his eyes. Melanie saw them, but she did not delight in them like she thought she would.

Melanie saw her mom’s van. Without a word she slipped her backpack onto her shoulders and scooted off the ledge. Katherine exited the building to Eric’s right and glanced at Eric; she saw the tears in his eyes and did what Melanie wouldn’t: she smiled.

“You comin’?” Katherine asked Melanie, motioning to the van.

Melanie nodded and then walked up to Eric and looked into his eyes. “Bye.” She leaned in and kissed his lips, softly—her lips were cold and chapped. Then she walked with Katherine to her mom’s van. Only Katherine looked back, with a puckish grin, as she threw her arm around Melanie’s shoulders.

Whatever hate Eric wanted to throw at Melanie was gone. He was hollow inside and there was nothing to throw. Maybe it was high school drama, but it was real and Eric felt it. The crying came later, but by then it was an empty exercise. Everything was gone.

When Drew and Jim found him later, Eric told them what had happened, but they were less than helpful. They expected him to just get over it. Eric had loved Melanie. In whatever way that was possible, he had loved her and had the gift of hindsight to show him how it had spoiled. How he had spoiled it.

Exactly one week later, Jim told Eric and Drew that he wouldn’t be back at the academy for senior year—he was going to Wyoming. Katherine, Sophia, Kyle, and the others had all waited for dismissal somewhere else that day—they all knew what Melanie planned to do except for Drew and Jim. Eric never talked to any of them again. He heard through the grapevine that they were all talking shit about him. They took Melanie’s side and with that, Eric’s only friend left in school was Drew. Sure, Jim was around for several months before he left, but Eric hardly remembered. He was someplace else.

Eric only remembered that when he was at Jim’s house the night before he left for Wyoming, they had said goodbye the way that only guys can: with a shrug and a handshake. “I’ll see you in a year,” Eric had said.

“A year,” Jim repeated. “It’s not so bad. In a year we’ll be at college and we’ll be roommates—just don’t tell Drew.”

“I won’t.”

* * *

Eric looked across the table at Rose, who pulled her hand back. She shook her head and touched her brow. Eric felt foggy too. Something inside of him felt tired and peaceful. Did I just tell her that story or…?

“Jim,” Rose murmured. She sounded like she was drugged.

“What?”

Rose’s eyes opened wide. A flurry of warnings rattled him from the inside.

Eric began to turn but didn’t make it all the way around. A fleeting glimpse of Jim followed with stars and bright-white pain. He felt himself fly through the front window of the restaurant.

The only sound that made it through the chaos in his head was Rose’s high-pitched shriek punctuated by the loud shattering of glass.