Those Three Little Words

You’re such a fucking moron.

Of course she’s not hiding anyone in the goddamn closet. She has proven more than once that she cares about you and only you. That she wants you. She seeks you out more than any woman ever has, and at night, when her mind settles down, she curls into you, soaking in your warmth.

Why would I even suggest that she was hiding someone?

Probably because with each passing day that goes by, I feel more possessive over her. I feel the need to show her how much I care about her. How much I want her in my life.

Yet every time she brings up the word love, I fucking freeze.

I become so self-aware of my inadequacies that I don’t know what to do other than to not say a goddamn word.

Because how could she love me? She’s so much more than I’ll ever be. She’s so smart, so loving, so open to giving her heart. And every day, when I wake up with her in my arms, I wonder how I get so goddamn lucky to be able to spend my days with her, even when she’s acting out or fighting with me.

I’m the one who’s fucked up.

I’m the one who could easily mess this up.

I’m the one who needs to figure out how the hell to be in a relationship.

Hating myself for being so goddamn stupid, I kick my shoes off and place them in the closet before hanging all the coats back up. When I turn toward the living room, I spot one of my dress shoes on the windowsill.

What the hell is it doing there . . . and what is that in it?

She’s . . . planted something in it.

What the fuck?

I pick up the shoe and examine the expensive leather that is now full of soil and . . . yup, she watered it.

I put the shoe back down because I’m not sure there’s much I can do about that at the moment. Instead, I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Posey.

“I just left you. You miss me that much?” he answers.

“Dude, I keep fucking up.”

“What did you do this time?”

I pace the living room while pulling on my hair continuously. “Accused her of hiding a man in the closet.”

“What?” He chuckles. “What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in your apartment. Between the insane fights you get in, and the weird things she does around the place like hide the remote control from you—”

“Found it in the freezer, by the way.”

“I just think it’s a goddamn fun house over there. So what made you think she was hiding a man in the closet?”

“She was acting suspiciously when I got home and slammed the door to the closet and then acted like I shouldn’t go in there. When I confronted her about it, she finally said I could go in. I had my hand cocked at my side, ready to plow my fist through whoever was in there, but when I opened it, all I saw were all the jackets on the ground.”

“Weird. What was she doing?”

“No goddamn clue, but I did just find one of my shoes on the windowsill with a plant in it.”

“Ha, really?”

I grow serious. “Dude, she brought up the I love you.” I heave out a sigh as I sit on the couch and prop my feet up on the coffee table.

“Oh hell, really? I’m assuming since you called me, you didn’t say it back.”

“I didn’t. I fucking just stood there, staring at her. She, of course, vanished after that, so I’m really doing a good job at life right now.”

“What the hell is your problem? Don’t you love her?”

“I mean . . . I don’t know, Posey. I can’t fucking even remember what love is at this point. How can I say it to her if I don’t even know what it is? What I do know is that I’m obsessed with her, even when she’s planting something in my shoes.” I drag my hand over my face. “I’m so fucked in the head over this. And it’s only getting worse. I feel like every day that goes by, she’s becoming more and more agitated with me. And also . . . she seems sad.”

“Could it just be the pregnancy?”

“Possibly, but I don’t think I’m helping the situation. The only thing that’s keeping me calm, that’s reminding me that I won’t lose her, is when we go to sleep at night. She sleeps on my chest, using my body to help keep her comfortable. It keeps me feeling connected, recharged, ready for—” I pause as my eyes focus on the pictures on the right-hand side of the fireplace. “What the fuck?”

“What? Is there another shoe with a plant in it?”

“No,” I answer as I head to the pictures. “She . . . she covered my pictures with Lewis, Farwell, and Kavinsky, with what I’m assuming are her own drawings of a penis being aroused by a pregnant woman, only to be passed up and sad again.”

Posey laughs out loud, the boisterous sound filling the phone. “Oh shit, I’m going to need a picture of those.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Why would she plant something in a shoe? Oh hey . . . maybe she’s nesting.”

“I don’t think that’s what nesting is. That’s when she puts together the baby’s room, right?”

“I think it’s everything around the house. Oh shit, go check the baby’s room, see if anything changed in there. I’m kind of hoping she made bedding out of your suits.”

“Why would you hope that?”

“Because it’s fun for me.”

I head toward the baby’s room, just as my eyes focus on the throw pillows. “Wait, all the throw pillows are missing their covers.”

“Ooo, that seems almost psychotic.”

“Maybe she spilled something on them.”

“That’s logical, but it’s Penny we’re talking about here. I think logic is out the window.”

I hate to admit it, but I think he’s right.

Ignoring the pillows, I go to the baby’s room and stop dead in my tracks when I see words splattered across the walls in gray paint—shocked that it’s not red with the way it’s scrolled out.

I swallow hard and then say into the phone, “Posey, man, I think I’m in way over my head.”

“What did she do?”

“You don’t want to fucking know.”

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, and Penny steps inside, holding a bag in one hand and her phone in the other. She takes her shoes off and sets them in the closet, and then moves toward the master bedroom without saying a word.

I’m standing in the kitchen, holding my phone charger and trying to figure out why she put it in the fridge, when I set it down and follow her.

She drops the bag on the floor and then slips under the covers of our bed and rests her head on the pillow before letting out a deep sigh. Her eyes close, and I contemplate what to do.

Should I let her be?

Should I cuddle up behind her?

Should I talk to her?

When I see how peaceful she is, I know exactly what my next move will be. I pull my shirt off, and fold it, setting it on the dresser before getting in the bed behind her. She makes more room for me, and I situate the blanket over both of us before slipping my arm around her stomach. She scoots into my front and then rests her hand on mine.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her ear.

Quietly, sadly, she says, “I know, Eli.”

“It was stupid, and I should never, ever question how you feel about me. That’s not fair to you.”

She sighs but doesn’t say anything, so I take that as she just wants to sleep. Not wanting to let go of her, I stay with her tucked into my chest, and as I rest here with her, I realize that nothing is better than this.

Not a night out with the guys.

Not a last-second score to win the game.

Not even a fucking championship.

Nothing beats being with Penny. Absolutely nothing.

And then . . . I hear her sniff.

I still.

When I hear it again, I gently squeeze her and ask, “Babe, is everything okay?”

She shakes her head. “No.”

“Hey,” I say softly. I try to tug her to face me, but she doesn’t move. She stays put. “Penny, what’s going on?”

When she answers, all I can detect is the pain in her voice, and it nearly destroys me. “I just want to be your girlfriend, Eli. I just want to be loved.”

Oh . . .

Her wants seem so simple.

Yet to me, they feel monumental. Impossible.

Commitment has never been easy because that means I’m allowing myself to own something . . . someone in my life. Someone I could lose.

Mentally, I don’t believe I’m stable enough for that. To allow Penny that close because if I lose her, it will destroy me.

But haven’t you already let her in?

“And I know you don’t want that,” she adds, her voice so full of sorrow that it physically pains me. “But I don’t know how to change how I feel. So . . . there you go. I love you, Eli, and I’ll probably love you forever.”

She sighs heavily and then cuddles in closer, not saying another word. She drifts off into a deep slumber, one she doesn’t wake up from until the next morning. Not me, though. I lie awake the entire night, playing her words over and over in my head, trying to muster up the confidence, the ability to feel the same way.

“HEY,” Penny says quietly as I walk through the door and set my gym bag down on the entryway floor.

She’s sitting on the couch, wearing a pair of leggings, heels, and a maternity blouse that looks really fucking good on her. She curled her hair, leaving it in long waves, tumbling down her shoulders, and she’s wearing makeup. It’s very natural, nothing too bold, just accentuating her beautiful features.

Smiling, I say, “Baby, you look gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” she says softly as she drums her fingers on her phone.

“Not trying to say that you need to go anywhere to look like that, but . . . do you have plans or something?”

She nods. “Going out to dinner.”

“Yeah?” I walk up to her. “Need me to go get dressed quick?”

Looking away, she shakes her head. “No, I’m, uh, I’m going with someone else.”

I’m about to take a seat next to her when I pause mid-stride toward the couch. “With someone else? What do you mean by that?”

“Just a friend,” she says, clarifying.

“Oh . . . okay.”

But she continues to avoid eye contact, which unnerves me. After her confession last night, things have felt tense. She’s been very quiet and not her normal, bubbly self. We haven’t fought, and she didn’t even attempt to have sex with me this morning like she always does. Sure, it put me on alert because that didn’t seem normal, but before I left for the gym, she walked up to me, completely naked, and dropped to the floor, pulling my shorts down with her. She held me against the wall and sucked me off, not letting me pull away but instead making me come in her mouth. Afterward, I lay her across the couch, spread her legs, and propped them up, only to dive my head between them. I played with her nipples and watched her come all over my tongue until she was completely satisfied. I reveled in having the taste of her on my tongue all goddamn day.

But after, her texts were short.

Her communication was vague.

And now, well . . . now, it seems like she’s avoiding me.

There’s a knock on the door, and before she can get up, I say, “I’ll get it.”

“Eli, it’s fine, I can,” she answers as she struggles slightly to get up.

But it’s too late. I’m at the door before her. I open it, and the minute I see the bouquet held by the man I absolutely despise, my vision turns completely red.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask.

Remi smirks at me. “Hornsby, I should be asking you the same thing. Isn’t this where Penny Lawes lives?”

“It’s where we both fucking live,” I seethe.

Penny’s hand touches my back as she moves to the side of me. Remi’s eyes go to her stomach, widen, and then he looks back up at us. “Well, looks like we have some catching up to do.” He chuckles and hands her the flowers. Before she can take them, I swipe them out of his hand and toss them on the floor behind me.

“Eli,” Penny scolds, but I don’t care.

I turn toward her and say, “You’re not going out with this motherfucker.”

Her eyes narrow on me. “Eli, that is not your decision to make.”

“The fuck it’s not. You live with me, Penny. We’re having a baby together. That is very much my decision to make.”

“I live with you because we’re having a baby together, and we’re having a baby together because of one drunken night. You have made that quite clear that that’s all we are.”

I can feel Remi’s eyes on me as he listens. “We’re more than that.”

“Are we?”

“Yes,” I say, pulling on my hair. “And to hell if you’re going out with him.”

“I’m not going out with him. We’re catching up because we’re friends and he’s in town. It’s that simple.” She steps forward, and I grab her hand.

When her eyes meet mine, I quietly say, “Don’t do this, Penny. Don’t do this to me.”

Her eyes search mine, and for a second, I think she’s going to stay with me. Then she says, “I’m not doing anything to you, Eli. You need to own your own reaction, here, that’s all.” And then she snaps her hand from mine and walks out of the apartment with Remi at her side.

ELI: She hasn’t come back yet. It’s been two fucking hours, and she’s not home.

Posey: I don’t know what you want me to say.

Eli: Tell me what the fuck she’s doing.

Posey: Surprisingly, I don’t have a homing device hooked up to her leg.

Eli: Don’t be a fucking dick.

Posey: Well, what the hell am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to feel bad for you? Because I don’t. She told you several times how she felt, and you did nothing. This is on you.

Eli: I know . . . I know it is. But I don’t know how to fix it.

Posey: Seems pretty easy to me. She told you she wants to be your girlfriend. She wants to be loved. The writing is on the wall.

Eli: It’s . . . it’s too much.

Posey: Then I hope seeing her going out with other men is something you get used to because that shit will not stop. You’re attracted to her because she’s fucking gorgeous. And other men will see the same thing. She might be living in your house, but she’s still single, man.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, and I spring up from the sofa where I’ve been pulling on my hair for the last half hour, rocking back and forth, begging and pleading for her to come home.

She shuts the door behind her and locks up. When she turns around, she comes to an abrupt stop when she spots me standing in the living room, with nothing but the light of a side table lamp illuminating the space.

“Eli, you startled me.” She takes her heels off and then sets her purse down on the console table.

I’m a goddamn wreck.

My heart is in my throat.

My limbs feel numb.

And when I go to speak, my throat is so tight from holding back on my emotions.

“Did you . . .” I clear my throat as I’m hit square in the chest with the thought that passes through my mind. “Did you kiss him?”

She turns away. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“Penny,” I say desperately, tugging on my hair. “Please, please just fucking tell me.”

Instead of answering, she heads to our bedroom, where I hear her getting ready for bed.

“Fuck,” I say out loud before picking up a pillow from the couch and throwing it across the room. I plop back down on the couch and dive my hands into my hair.

Nausea roils in my stomach from the thought of her lips on someone else’s. Of another man holding her hand. Hugging her. Thinking they have even a shot at being hers, let alone Remi fucking Gasper.

What did they do? Did they talk about me? About my fucked-up head?

Did they hold hands during dinner? Stare into each other’s eyes? Make fucking plans for future dates?

Agony rips through me just as I feel her step in front of me. She bends at the knees and lifts my chin to look at her.

No longer in her date night outfit, she’s changed into her nightgown. Her face is clear, and her hair is tied up into a messy bun.

“Just . . . just tell me,” I say, my voice choked.

Her expression turns soft as she closes the space between us and presses her lips to mine. My hand slips to the nape of her neck, and I hold her in place, opening my mouth, my tongue swiping against hers.

With her hand on my chest, she pushes me back on the couch and then climbs on top of my lap. Her belly makes it a little harder for us to connect, but I still keep her in place, making sure she knows this mouth of hers is all I ever fucking want, nothing more.

When she pulls away, her finger drags across my cheek as she softly says, “I didn’t kiss him, Eli. I didn’t even give him a hug goodbye.”

Relief washes through me as I slowly lower my head to her chest, where she hugs me tightly.

“Fuck . . .” I quietly say as I hold her.

I’m not sure how long I hold her for, but I do. I hold on tight. I allow myself to soak her in, to remind myself that she doesn’t belong to anyone else, that she’s here, with me, on my lap, in my arms.

She’s mine.

When I finally lift my head, she presses her hand to my cheek and leans in for another kiss. This one is more demanding, more needy, and I feel the same way. My hands fall to the hem of her nightgown, and I lift it over her head. I waste no time and quickly take one of her breasts into my mouth.

My lips travel over her skin, kissing, licking . . . sucking.

I nibble up her chest, I bite tenderly on her nipples, and when I reach her neck, I spend a moment marking her, letting every goddamn person in this world know that she belongs to me.

And she lets me.

She tilts her head to the side, offering me her delicate skin, letting me take charge.

And when I feel satisfied, when I know she’s been branded by my possessive self, I stand her up, bend her over so her hands are gripping the armrest of the couch, and I release my cock from my shorts.

In one smooth thrust, I enter her, bottoming out immediately.

Her back arches, and she lets out a long moan right before I pulse inside her.

Hard.

Thrusting.

Taking.

Claiming.

I fuck her, over and over again until she’s yelling out my name, her perfect, little pussy gripping me.

It’s at that moment that I know . . . she’s mine. She will always be mine.

I just need to figure out how to keep her.

“CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?” Penny says.

Naked and in bed, I’m spooning her from behind, drifting off to sleep.

“Anything, baby,” I say, kissing her shoulder.

“Remi . . . why do you hate him so much?”

Hell, I knew she was going to ask this question. It was only a matter of time. A part of me thinks that I should just tell her the semi-truth, how he’s a horrible player, harp on that again because that’s what I’ve told her before. But I know, deep in my bones, that if I’m going to work on keeping Penny in my life, I need to start owning up to the truth.

My thumb moves over her stomach as I say, “You know Holmes had a twin brother, right?”

“Holden?” she asks.

“Yes. We were all pretty close actually. Not sure if you knew that. This was obviously before you worked for the Agitators. But it was during All-Star weekend. Holden came to visit. We were going to watch Halsey in the game together. Anyway, we were out the night before, and we were drinking. I wasn’t aware that Holden had a drinking problem. Halsey never spoke about it, so I never thought much of it. I just thought he liked to toss back quite a few on a night off. That night, Remi came into the bar. We already hated each other because of how he acted on the ice, so when I saw him, in my drunk state, I grew angry.”

I pause because fuck, it’s painful.

Penny, though, she squeezes my hand and gently says, “It’s okay. Take your time.”

After a few more moments, I say, “Remi and I got into it, so bad that we started fighting, and we were kicked out of the bar. I can’t fucking remember much of what happened after that because we were torn off each other, there was some media shit I had to deal with, and before I knew it, Holden left. We were supposed to leave together. It wasn’t until the next morning that I found out he was in a car accident and died.”

“Oh, Eli,” Penny says as she turns in my arms and faces me.

“I . . . fuck . . . I couldn’t even look at Halsey for a goddamn month because I knew it was my fault. I knew if I hadn’t let Remi get to me, that Holden would have never driven drunk.”

“No.” Penny shakes her head. “His death is not your fault. You can’t hold on to that, Eli. Holden had a problem, and if it wasn’t that night, it would have been another night. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I do, though. And I blame Remi. Fuck, I blame Halsey and Holden too. They should have told me. I never would have taken him to the bar, and I never would have left him.” I choke up as I say, “He . . . he was like a brother to me, and once again, I lost another person in my life. But this . . . this was my adult life, and fuck, it felt even more painful than before because I knew I could have prevented it. If I’d made smart choices, I could have prevented it.”

“Eli.” She forces me to look her in the eyes. “I love you, you know this, I love you so, so much, but you can’t control other people. You can’t control the choices they make, and yes, you made a choice to fight with Remi, but Holden made the ultimate choice that night, and he chose to drive when he shouldn’t have. There is nothing you could have done about that.”

Tears well up in my eyes, and before I can stop them, they fall down my cheeks, but Penny is there . . . she’s right there, to kiss them away.

And that’s exactly what she does. Every time a tear falls, she presses her lips to my cheeks. When she’s not doing that, she’s holding me . . . loving on me as the sorrow that’s been building in my body since the morning of Holden’s death finally starts to release.

Because of this woman.

Because of the unconditional love she gives me.

Because, even though I can’t seem to vocalize how I feel . . . she vocalizes it for the both of us.

And for that, I know I’ll never ever let her go.

“EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT,” Big Pecs says before turning toward Penny and me. “But I’m sensing some tension between the two of you. Am I right?”

“Everything is fine,” I say just as Penny sits up on her elbows.

“He’s lying to you. Everything is not fine.”

After one of the worst nights of my life, which turned quickly into one of the best, things have been better between Penny and me. It’s almost as if she’s starting to understand me, and even though I might not say what she wants, she still tells me every chance she gets how much she loves me.

And every time she says it, I think it’s sinking in more and more.

Big Pecs crosses one leg over the other and says, “Care to talk about it?”

I hold my hand up. “Seriously, everything is fine.”

“Say fine one more time,” Penny seethes at me, nostrils flared, looking like she’s ready to eat me alive.

Oh, did I mention that she’s gained that crazy back again? Yeah, in full force. The sadness seems to be slowly fading away, and in its place, she’s starting to show her—to put it nicely—third-trimester self.

Big Pecs sets his hand on her arm and says, “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Fine . . . he won’t use an anal plug on me.”

“Jesus . . . Christ,” I mutter as I drag my hand over my face.

“Oh, I see. And is there a reason?”

Penny rolls her eyes. “Says he doesn’t want to hurt me, that he doesn’t have enough experience. I told him to read a fucking book and just shove it up there. Still won’t do it. And I’m telling you, Doc, I’ve never wanted something more in my entire life.”

He nods, understanding written all over his face. “I can understand the craving for something different in your sex life. Maybe find something you’re both comfortable doing.”

“I told him I’m sure I could find someone on Craigslist who could help.”

“And I told you that’s not a goddamn option,” I hiss at her.

Gesturing to me, she says, “See what I’m dealing with?”

“Penny, I think you’re starting to enter the anxious phase of pregnancy, and instead of dealing with those feelings, you’re trying to fill them with other things, like sex. Let me ask you, how many times are you two sharing sexual intercourse?”

“Not nearly enough.” She folds her arms with defiance.

“Three to five times a day,” I answer.

“Wait . . . a day?” Big Pecs asks.

“Yes,” I say, exasperated.

“Told you not nearly enough,” Penny says.

Big Pecs clears his throat and shifts on his chair. “Penny, three to five times a day is more than enough. The most I’ve actually heard.”

“See.” I poke her. “Told you.”

“What does he know?” Penny motions to Big Pecs, who is literally two feet away from her.

“Uh, he’s a doctor.”

“Just a title.”

Fuck, she’s in a mood today. Although, I’d take this Penny over sad Penny any day.

Big Pecs and I exchange a look, and then he stands from his chair. “Well, I don’t know what to say to you other than good luck. If you do decide to use an anal plug—”

“We won’t,” I say.

“Oh, we will,” Penny adds.

“Then please just be careful. Other than that, the baby is measuring great. Call me if there are any problems.”

“Thank you,” I say while Penny stays silent.

When the door clicks shut, she turns to me. “Let’s do it here.”

“Let’s do what here?” I ask.

“The sex.”

“What? No, Penny.”

“Oh, it will be really quick. You shoot off early sometimes.”

“That was one fucking time, and it was because you put a vibrator against my balls. I wasn’t prepared for that sensation.”

“Well, guess what I have in my purse?”

“Jesus,” I groan. “No, Penny. We’re not having sex in the doctor’s office when anyone could walk in.”

“Isn’t that the thrill of it?”

“No.” I shake my head. “Not even a little. I have a reputation to maintain, and I can’t be found with my pants down at my ankles, fucking my girlfriend in the doctor’s office.”

“Wait . . .” She slowly sits up, and I offer her some help as she maneuvers with her belly. “Did you just . . . did you just call me your girlfriend?”

I think back to what I said, and hell . . . I did. It just slipped out.

“Uh, yeah. I did. Is that okay?”

Tears well up in her eyes. “Eli, you called me your girlfriend.” She takes my hand and pulls me between her legs. “Your actual girlfriend.” The smile that stretches across her face is so beautiful that I have a really hard time looking away.

I press a kiss on her forehead. “You’re mine, right?”

“I hope so.”

“Then yeah, you’re my girlfriend.”

Her teeth roll over her bottom lip. “And you’re not just saying that?”

“Do you think I’m the type of guy who would just say something for the hell of it? There is meaning behind my words, Penny. You should know that by now.”

“I do.” She cups my cheeks and brings my mouth to hers. “So does this mean we’re in a real relationship?”

“You live with me, babe, doesn’t get more real than that . . . oh wait, it does. We’re having a baby together.”

“Little Johnny Jim.”

I chuckle. “Yeah. Little JJ.” I kiss her lightly and pull away before things can get too deep. “Let’s get you dressed, and then I can take you out to lunch. How does that sound?”

“Perfect.”

“BABY, please, I don’t want to come in your mouth.”

She smiles up at me and then releases my cock from her lips. She climbs up my body and straddles my lap to position my length at her entrance.

“Fuck, Penny, you’re so goddamn beautiful.”

She slides down on top of me and lets out a long, beautiful moan as her head falls back, her hair floating over her shoulders. It’s one of the most erotic things I’ve ever seen. This beautiful, confident woman, carrying a child, seeking out her own pleasure. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m addicted.

I’m addicted to her.

To the sounds she makes when I’m deep inside her.

To her sweet scent that consumes me when I’m buried between her legs.

And to the way her touch feels like a warm hug all over my skin.

I can’t imagine a day without her.

And when I called her my girlfriend today, I meant it. I don’t know why I didn’t say it before. I don’t know why I was holding back because it felt so right the moment I said it. It felt like everything was in place.

Her hands land on my thighs behind her as she arches her back, seeking out more pleasure. This has become her favorite position in the last week. All she wants is to sit on top of me. And I fucking love it too, because I get to stare at her and watch her beautiful tits bounce with her movements. I get to experience her face turn into shock every time her orgasm rocks her. And I get to feel her love pulsing through me with every thrust, every moan.

“Eli, it feels so good. Too good.”

“No, baby, it’s never too good,” I answer as I help her rock her hips. She’s been more tired lately but never tired enough to not connect with me on this level.

“Oh . . . oh, Eli. I . . .” Her pussy clenches around my cock, and my orgasm hits me square in the chest, unexpectedly.

“Fuck,” I yell as I squeeze my eyes shut and pump into her, my body filled with pleasure.

And together, we slowly float down until she’s lying on her side, curled into me, kissing my chest.

“I love this, us,” she says. “So much, and I’m so worried that when the baby comes, it will be gone.”

“What?” I say, lifting up to look her in the eyes. “Penny, why would you think that?”

“Insecurities,” she answers. “Don’t you have them?”

“I do,” I say, “but babe, you have to know I’m not going anywhere. I’m not sure how many times I have to say that.”

“Maybe every day,” she answers.

“Then I’ll say it every day.” I kiss her nose and then lie back down to pull her into my chest.

“What are your insecurities?” she asks, her fingers dancing along my chest, playing with the very short strands of my chest hair. It’s been a while since I’ve had a waxing appointment, but she’s told me she likes my chest hair, so I’ve kept it.

“Honestly?”

“Yes.” She nuzzles into my neck. My hand finds the back of her head where I play with her hair.

“Not being good enough for you.”

“Come on, Eli,” she says in such a tone that makes me think she doesn’t believe me.

“I’m fucking serious,” I reply. “I’ve thought that from day fucking one. The first time I met you, Penny, I knew you were way out of my league. Not just because you were Pacey’s sister but also because you were this intelligent, funny, beautiful woman who I wanted more than a few minutes with. When I saw you at the bar on my birthday, I fucking knew that was my moment to talk to you. And I did. I was not going to go through the night without spending time with you.”

“Eli, I was such a mess that night.”

“You were so goddamn perfect, Penny. You have no idea the kind of energy you brought that night. It was authentic, and I fucking loved every moment of it. After that night, I felt . . . fuck, I felt empty, like I was missing something. And I slowly realized it was you. You were what I craved, what I needed in my life. And when I saw you walking around the arena, talking to the guys, barely even looking in my direction, I knew . . . I wasn’t fucking good enough.”

“I wasn’t avoiding you because I didn’t like you, Eli. It was because of what we did.”

“I still felt insecure around you. Not because of anything you did, but measuring up to you and the love and empathy you pour out of you. Fuck, I felt lucky to even catch a glimpse of your beautiful eyes. And even now, holding you in my arms, I know I’m lucky, I know I don’t deserve you, I know that I fucking hit the jackpot even when you’re insane and painting weird things on the baby’s wall, planting God knows what in my loafer, and desecrating significant pictures.” I am not going to mention her crazy mood swings.

She chuckles. “Don’t call a pregnant lady insane.”

I sigh and squeeze her.

There have been times when I’ve wanted to call her more than insane. But then I consider the many nights she’s gotten home before me and cooked dinner, despite being tired from a busy day. The times she’s checked in to see how I am after my morning skate when she knew my knee had been in pain the night before. The moments we’ve had on the couch—before we were fucking all over said couch—simply watching a damn TV show to make sure I was relaxed before I tried to sleep after a game. Those things are just as sacrificial as what I’ve done for her, but she could have made little effort to get to know me over the past few months. She could have kicked me out of her apartment—or at least tried—but she didn’t.

Yet I can’t find the words to express what she means to me. “I wish I could be better for you.”

“You are, Eli.” I shake my head.

And then I sit up on my elbow, so I’m looking down at her. “I know that you’re waiting for me to say those three little words, what you’ve said to me.”

“That I love you?” she asks, her tone easy, unfazed.

Me, on the other hand.

I swallow and nod. “Yeah, those three little words. I just . . . hell, Penny, I can’t remember the last time I said it. I can’t recall ever feeling that way. It’s been so long. I’ve been so lost. I’m afraid to let myself explore those feelings out of fear of losing you. Because I know I can, easily. You could have your choice of any man, and you choose me. That doesn’t go unnoticed. And even when I struggle to find my feelings and tap into a side of me that I’m certain I shut down when I was twelve, you still choose to be with me. You choose to be with me when you’re frustrated, when you want nothing more than to plant multiple succulents in my shoes, or mess up my freaking underwear drawer every day. You keep choosing me.”

“Because you keep choosing me, Eli. Don’t you see that? This isn’t all one-sided. I love you because of the man you are, because of the way you make me feel, because of the way I feel at peace in your arms. I know”—she tears up and pats my chest—“when I’m here, right here, right next to you, that nothing will ever harm me. And . . . that I’m home.”

A tear streaks down her cheek, and I pass over it with my thumb, rubbing the wetness into her skin. “Is that what love is, Penny? Feeling safe, protected?”

“Part of it,” she says. “Love is a multitude of things.”

“Can you . . . can you help explain it to me?” I ask, my insecurities once again rising to the surface as I realize what a stupid question it is. “Never mind—”

She gently rubs her thumb over my heart. “Love is intimacy, Eli. Love is feeling protected, trusted, secure with yourself. Love is feeling like you’re home. Like there is nowhere else you want to be than in your person’s arms. Love is feeling this unbridled connection with another human, a connection so strong that when they’re not around, you feel . . . empty, incomplete. And love grows with intensity as your relationship grows. It starts small, like this tiny kernel needling at your back, bringing awareness to your brain that something is taking over and that an emotion is growing inside you. And as time passes, that kernel blooms into something bigger, something that eclipses your heart and takes up room in your chest, so when you see your person, all you can do is let out a deep breath of relief because they’re there. With you. For you. And if that person is the right person, if they’re truly the match to your soul, then they will make sure that nothing bad ever happens to you. That no matter what life throws at you—death, joy, heartache—they will be there, by your side, holding your hand, and reminding you that despite what you might be going through, there is always a home in their arms.” She brings my hand to her lips and kisses my palm. “Love is what I feel for you. It’s what I felt for a while, and I know it’s what I’ll feel forever.”

I don’t realize I’m crying until Penny lifts up and smooths her thumbs over my cheeks. My mind twists with her words, the dots connecting, the clouds parting, and light shining down on that exact feeling she’s talking about.

The breathlessness when she’s not around.

The feeling of peace when she’s near me.

The need I have to hold her hand, to walk through this life with no one else but her.

The knowledge that no matter what happens in my day, I can count on her beautiful face, her charming wit, her empathetic heart to carry me through all life’s challenges.

The kernel needled me from the first day I met her.

And if I’m honest, it’s grown over time.

On my birthday, I was struck so goddamn hard by that kernel blossoming into so much more.

And now, all I can think about is her. All I want is her. And I can’t even fathom a day moving forward when she isn’t mine. When I can’t call her, kiss her . . . love on her.

Holy . . . shit.

“Penny?” I ask, my voice choked up.

“Yes, Eli?”

“I think . . .” I swallow hard, pushing down the lump forming in my throat. “You mean everything to me. Your smile.” I kiss her lips. “Your heart.” I kiss her chest. “Your mind.” I kiss her forehead. “I couldn’t go a day without knowing that they belong to me. I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure it out.” Her eyes well, and I quickly kiss them and push her gently on her back. “Baby, I love you . . . Jesus Christ, I can’t believe it took me so long to say it, to acknowledge it. But fuck, Penny, I love you.”

“Don’t apologize,” she says. “I just hope that I didn’t push you.”

I shake my head. “You didn’t, Penny. You opened my eyes, you let me figure it out, and you never fucking left me. You never gave up. Even when I could see the pain in your eyes, you never gave up on me.”

“I couldn’t,” she says. “Because I love you and that strong bond that I have for you in my heart, it’s unbreakable, Eli.”

Smiling, I let a tear fall down my cheek right before I press my lips to hers. “You make me so goddamn happy. I didn’t know what I was missing in my life until you, Penny. You’ve parted the clouds that were hanging over me, and you let the sunshine in.” I kiss her again. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, Eli. Just loving me is enough.”

With that, I smooth my hand over her stomach and between her legs. She spreads for me as she sinks into the mattress. My mouth finds hers as I press my thumb along her slit.

“I love you,” I say again, the words falling off my tongue with ease now. “Just you and me, Penny. Just you and me.”

She reaches for my hardening cock and starts stroking me. “You and me.”

I move over the top of her and spread her legs, trying not to put any pressure on her growing stomach, but the position doesn’t quite work, so I slide us both down to the edge of the bed where I stand in front of her. Getting the perfect angle without pressing on her stomach, I bring my cock to her entrance, and I tease her with my head, running it along her clit for a few strokes.

“Make love to me, Eli. Please . . . make love to me.”

“That was the plan, baby.”

And then I enter her, and I can feel my world changing around me with each deep stroke.

With each connection of our eyes.

With every beautiful sound that falls past her lips.

She’s mine.

Forever.