Those Three Little Words

“Why are you whispering?” Blakely asks.

“Because I can’t have him hear me.”

“Who? Eli? Why not?”

I rock back and forth, holding my knees in close to my body—as close as I can get them with my belly.

“I accidentally told Eli last night that I love him.”

“What?” she shouts. “Holy shit, Penny. Did you mean it?”

I roll my lips together as my eyes squeeze shut, tears forming in the corners. “I did. I’ve felt that way for a while now, but I swore I’d never say it, not to him, not when I know his past still haunts him. But we were having this intimate moment, and it just slipped out.”

“What kind of intimate moment?”

“Sex, Blakely. What do you think?”

“Well, I don’t know what you’re doing up there. You could have been enjoying a peaceful sunset, and you said it. But saying it during sex? Oof, that’s rough.”

“I know,” I whisper-shout.

“What did he do?”

“Went completely rigid. Pretty sure I short-circuited him. I pretended as though it didn’t happen, cleaned up, and then acted like I fell asleep quickly, which, in reality, I did not. I was up almost all night replaying the moment in my head over and over again. It’s been absolute torture.”

“Where are you now?”

“In the closet in our bedroom, wishing I could be washed away with the laundry.” My emotions start to bubble up on me, and my throat grows tight. “What am I supposed to do, Blakely?”

“Well, not hang out in the closet all day, that’s for sure. How were things this morning?”

“Fine, maybe slightly tense, but I don’t know if that’s just me or the both of us. We had breakfast together, and then he went to work out, and I’m in the closet. I don’t think I can stay here. What I’ve done is so detrimental, I’m not sure I can recover.”

“Are you just embarrassed?” she asks.

“Well, yes, because who shouts that out while having sex? Especially with someone who has never been in a relationship before. I mean . . . he doesn’t even call me his girlfriend, and here I am, mentioning love. God, that was so stupid. All of this was stupid. I blame this godforsaken baby. I would never have said something like that before, but here I am, his fingers pinching my nipples, and I’m calling out to the heavens above that I love the man.”

“You do, though.”

“I know that, but he doesn’t need to know that.” I press my fingers to my forehead. “Please, Blakely, please help me fix this. I can’t be here.”

“What are you going to do? Run away?”

My head perks up. Run away. That’s . . . that’s a great idea. “Blakely, you’re brilliant.”

“Penny, I was kidding.”

“No, that’s exactly what I need to do. I need to run away. Go back to Vancouver.”

“And what happens when Eli calls you to see why you left? Because you know he will.”

“You don’t know that. He might be freaked out just enough not to want to be near me at the moment.”

“That won’t be the case. He’ll chase after you.”

“Then . . . I’ll give him a reason. Some sort of . . . oh, I know. I’ll visit my parents, oh, and make Winnie meet me there. Tell him I’m doing some sort of recon mission to get her and Pacey back together. Think she’d go for that?”

“You know, it’s a good shot. She’s been staying with her friend Katherine, the safety police, and I think she’s about done with her. Why don’t you call her up? But I’ll say this, I think it might be better to talk to Eli.”

“No, no, it won’t. But thanks for the idea. I’ll keep you abreast.”

“Please don’t say abreast.”

“Talk to you later, bye!”

I hang up and quickly dial Winnie. The phone rings twice before she answers. “Hello?”

“Hey, Winnie. I know things are weird right now with you and Pacey, so I thought, why not come on a little girl trip with me to my parents’ house where we can sleep in my bunk beds and stare at the pictures of Jess from the Gilmore Girls hanging on my wall and toss peanut butter pretzel balls in our mouths and drink lemonade while wearing slippers and pajamas and not worry about boys at all? We can relax and do each other’s nails and sing karaoke on the karaoke machine I got when I was twelve and then do some latch hook because a girl hang is nothing unless you do a mindless craft together.”

“Uh . . . wow. Okay, first of all, hi. And secondly, Penny, is everything okay?”

“Nope. Please meet me at my parents’. Please, I’ll explain later. And I know you probably need the break from Katherine.”

“Yeah, that is very much true. Okay, but aren’t you in Banff right now?”

“Don’t worry about me. Just get a flight out today. I’ll meet you at the airport.”

“Okay . . . are you sure you don’t want to talk about what’s going on?”

“Let’s save the raunchy details for later when we see each other. Text me your flight details. Bye.”

I hang up and set my phone down, feeling momentarily relieved but now, I have to pack and leave without Eli trying to stop me.

ELI: PENNY, ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PHONE!

It’s the tenth text I’ve received in half an hour, not to mention he’s called me several times.

I’m only ten minutes away from the airport. I can hold out. Lucky for me, Eli was still working out, running actually, when I packed up and then convinced Stephan, the chef, to drive me into Calgary because Eli—conveniently—wasn’t going to be home in time. He went right with it and said he needed to pick some things up anyway, so it worked out for him. I loaded up in his truck, and then on the way down the mountain, I booked a flight after I gained service again. I just needed out of the house as soon as possible. Eli must have been on a really long run because it took him a very long time to text me.

My phone buzzes again.

Eli: Penny, this isn’t fucking fair to me, to disappear like this with no explanation. You know I have abandonment issues. You can’t just fucking leave like that.

Oh God, I didn’t think about it like that.

Guilt immediately swarms me, and I find myself texting him back right away.

Penny: Just got service. I’m sorry, Eli. Headed to my parents’ place with Winnie, as she needed some time away. I’ll call you later.

There, short and to the point, and there are no I love you’s anywhere to be found. Hopefully, that will help me gather myself before talking to him on the phone.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Stephan asks. “You’ve been incredibly quiet.”

“Just thinking. I’m fine. Thank you.”

My phone buzzes, and I glance down at the text message.

Eli: STEPHAN TOOK YOU? What the actual fuck? He’s not going to have a goddamn job when he gets back here. The boys are furious.

Oh, shit. Stephan is an innocent bystander in this mess. I don’t want him getting in trouble because of me.

Penny: You all were working out, and Holmes was reading. Stephan had to go to Calgary, so I just hopped a ride with him. Don’t be mad at him.

Eli: You couldn’t have waited for me? What the hell is even happening? Why did you leave so abruptly?

I look up at the road and see the airport come into view, thank God. I hold off on answering Eli as we pull up to arrivals.

“Here we are. Let me grab your bag for you.”

“Thank you,” I say as I exit the truck. I move around to the back and give Stephan an awkward hug. “Thanks for all the great food. Your waffles are another world.”

He smirks. “You’re more than welcome. Hopefully, we see each other again.”

“Hopefully,” I say before waving and moving my suitcase inside the airport. I have three hours until my flight, so plenty of time before I need to seriously consider getting to my gate. I move my suitcase to a quiet corner, and I stare down at my phone just as it starts ringing again.

Eli.

Might as well get this over with.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Jesus Christ,” he says, his voice irritated and relieved. “Penny, what the hell are you doing?”

“Headed to my parents’, I told you that. Going to meet Winnie there. She needed some alone time. I tried to tell you how Winnie was doing last night, but we kind of got distracted. But yeah, she called this morning, and I said I’d meet up with her. You were out running, so I thought a note would suffice.”

“You thought a note would be fine? Just a note? How the fuck did you think that would suffice?”

“Can you please calm down?”

“Calm down? Penny, I went for a goddamn run and came back to an empty room, your things gone, and a note. Excuse me if I’m freaked out right now.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I tell him, trying to pass it all off as nothing, even though I can hear the panic in his voice, the same frenzied panic pumping through me at the moment. The panic from knowing that I told this man I loved him and he not only didn’t say anything back, but he didn’t say anything at all and went catatonic on me.

“It’s a big deal to me, Penny. I thought . . . hell, I thought we were spending time together.”

Another wave of guilt hits me hard. But how am I supposed to know how he feels after what happened last night, or the way he acted this morning? A little cold . . . distant. This is the first time he’s gone on a long run since we got here. How could it not correspond to what I said to him?

“I don’t know, Eli, I just figured after last night that . . . it would be okay. That maybe you just needed some space.”

There, I put it out there. The elephant in the room.

And of course, he’s silent, just like he was last night.

This just confirms my thoughts. I freaked him out, and despite him not liking the way I took off, he’s not in the same commitment headspace as I am.

Sure, he says he wants me, but wanting someone and loving someone is completely different.

Wanting someone is founded by lust.

Loving someone sits on top of a foundation of trust, desire, attachments, and intimacy.

Just from his cold, distant mood this morning, I can tell, he doesn’t love me. He just lusts me.

I’d like to say I’m okay with that, but I’m not. I’m . . . hell, I’m embarrassed. Again. Even though he’s the one who insisted I move in with him, I often feel as though we’re a step out of sync with each other. I tried to kiss him, he pushed me away. He didn’t want to risk his relationship with Pacey, and then the next minute, he gave in. He’s . . . impulsive yet uncertain. I think I want him to catch up. He thinks I’m running. We’re not in sync, but I sincerely hope we might get there one day.

Unable to take the silence or the wondering, I say, “I don’t want to miss my flight, so I should get going. I’ll text you when I land.”

“Penny, hold on,” he says just as I hang up the phone.

To my horror, tears fall, and I quickly wipe at them and take a deep breath. It’s fine.

You’re fine.

Everything is fine.

This is a minor bump in the road, nothing you can’t get through with some help from your parents.

“MOM, WHERE ARE YOU?” I say into the phone as Winnie and I stand outside, freezing our buns off.

“What? Honey, it’s windy. I can barely hear you.”

“Where are you? I’m outside the door.”

“What door?”

“Your door,” I shout into the phone.

“You’re in Scottsdale?”

“What? No . . . wait, are you in Scottsdale?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

Groaning, I say, “At your house.”

“Why on earth are you there? We’re in Scottsdale.”

“I gathered that.” I shake my head at Winnie. “When are you returning?”

“Not for a week. We just got here. Honey, you should really tell people when you’re stopping by.”

“Starting to understand that. Okay, well . . . I guess we’ll figure something out.”

“Talk to Marybeth at the corner store. She’ll be able to house you.”

“I’m not going to talk to Marybeth, but thanks.”

“She’ll probably give you homemade cookies.”

“Thanks, Mom, love you.” I hang up and lean against the house. “They’re in freaking Scottsdale. God, Winnie, I’m so sorry.”

“That’s okay.” She looks off to the side. “You know, we can find a hotel for tonight and then fly back together tomorrow. At least we’ll have one night together.”

“That works. God, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. It was fun flying on a whim and getting out of the house as far away from Katherine as I could get. And we can order in tonight, chow down, talk. Might be good for both of us.”

“Yeah,” I say sadly as I move my way down the stairs with my luggage. “I’m craving some tacos. What about—” My bag wheel gets stuck on my way down, and I trip over it and careen down to the ground. Thankfully, I’m able to roll to my side, so when I land, it isn’t directly on my belly.

“Oh, my God,” Winnie shrieks as she comes to my side and places her hand on my shoulder. “Penny, are you okay?”

“I . . . I think so,” I say, groaning as I place my hand on my pretty prominent stomach. I take a few deep breaths. “Just . . . wow, I feel dizzy all of a sudden.”

“Don’t move, okay?” Winnie says, pulling her phone out.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling 911. What does it look like?”

“Winnie, I don’t need an ambulance. Just give me a second.”

“No way, I’m not chancing anything. You just fell down the stairs. As a pregnant woman, we’re calling an ambulance.”

“It was two stairs.”

“Which is more than enough.” As she speaks to an operator, I feel myself succumb to the dizziness. I’m not sure if it’s the sun beating down on me or the cool sidewalk, or the fall . . . but before I know it, my eyes are closed, and I’m drifting off to sleep.

“IS SHE IN HERE?” I hear a deep male voice ask.

“Sir, she’s sleeping right now. Can I ask who you are?”

“Eli,” he says. “Can you tell me anything that happened?”

“Are you her husband, boyfriend?”

“Uh . . . what? No . . . I mean, I’m the baby’s dad.”

“Ah, okay. Well, unfortunately, I can’t tell you anything, but you’re welcome to sit next to her until she wakes up.”

“Thank you.”

There’s a soft click of a door, and then I feel a warm presence come closer, only to sit on the edge of the bed. My hand is covered in his.

My eyes slowly flutter open, and Eli’s handsome face comes into view. “Jesus,” he says right before pressing his forehead against mine. “Penny, are you okay?”

It takes me a second to figure out what’s going on. I’m in a hospital bed. Eli is sitting next to me, and beeping machines fill the silence. I look down at my stomach, and that’s when I catch Winnie sitting in the corner, legs drawn into her chest, looking scared.

“Winnie,” I say, holding my hand out.

She’s quick to her feet and takes my hand. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“What’s going on?” I ask her, ignoring Eli for the moment.

“You fell down the stairs at your parents’ house, remember? You passed out, and I called an ambulance. I told Eli because I felt like he needed to know. From what I’ve heard, the baby is fine.” She points at the monitor. “That’s the heartbeat.”

More tears fill my eyes as I stare at the monitor and see the line bounce up and down. My hand caresses my stomach as I glance down at it. “I’m so sorry,” I say to our baby boy. “I’m so sorry I was careless.”

“It was an accident,” Winnie says. “And you actually twisted so you didn’t land on your stomach. You did good, Mama.”

I let the tears slide down my cheeks. Glancing at Eli, I say, “How did you get here?”

“Private jet,” he answers and brings my hand to his lips. “Penny, are you okay?”

“I think so,” I answer just as a doctor walks into the room.

“Oh, you’re awake. That’s wonderful. How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” I answer. “Just a little confused.”

“That’s to be expected. You took a bit of a tumble, and given that you’re seven months pregnant, that makes things slightly more risky. Thankfully, your friend did the smart thing and called for help.” She glances at Eli. “Am I free to speak right now?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Okay, well, we checked on the baby, and he seems to be doing just fine. Tough guy in there. You did have some spotting, which is why we want to keep you overnight, just for observation, but other than that, you look pretty good.”

“Spotting, is that going to be an issue?”

“It doesn’t seem like it will be, but as I said, we just want to keep you overnight to observe, just in case.”

“And the baby, he’s okay?”

“Yes, he’s quite fine. Nothing to worry about, Mom. Next time though, let someone else handle the luggage.” She smiles at me and then takes off out the door just as I hear her say, “Oh, almost ran into you there.”

“Sorry.” I hear Pacey’s voice say just as he walks into the room as well. He first glances at Winnie, and then he comes to my side. “Penny, are you okay? Is the baby okay?”

“Yes,” I answer. “Everyone is okay. The doctor said he’s a tough guy.”

“Guy?” Pacey asks, his eyes welling up. “You’re having a boy?”

I smile and nod. “We are.”

Carefully, Pacey leans down and gives me a hug. “That’s so fucking great, Pen.” He lifts up just enough to look me in the eyes. “Jesus, don’t scare me like that again.”

“I’ll try not to,” I say as he pulls away and lets out a deep breath.

He places both hands on his head and says, “Fuck, I need some ice cream.” He looks over at Winnie and holds out his hand. “Will you join me?”

I half expect her to say no, but I feel satisfied when she nods and takes his hand. I wouldn’t ever want to fall again while pregnant, but I’m sort of glad that it looks like the scare might have brought them back together.

When they’re out of the room, Eli leans in closer and presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Penny, I was so fucking scared.” He cups my cheek. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you’re okay, and that the baby is okay.”

I wet my lips as I stare into his beautiful eyes, but all I can think about as he stares back at me is what he said to the nurse.

That he’s not my boyfriend.

Just the baby’s father.

If that doesn’t speak volumes, I don’t know what does.

“Will you talk to me?” he says. “Please, Penny?”

Not wanting to start a scene here, I say, “Sorry, still a little stunned.”

He continues to cup my cheek. “Don’t apologize.” He scoots a little closer. “Is everything okay between us? I feel like the past twenty-four hours have been a whirlwind of insanity that I just don’t quite understand.”

I swallow deeply and nod, willing back the perpetual tears. “Yes, Eli. Everything is fine.”

“Okay, because . . . you just left, and I don’t know. I thought that we were having a good time, you know? Enjoying each other.”

A good time.

That’s what this is to him.

A freaking good time.

I should have seen that coming, especially after his reaction from the night before.

“We were. I just wanted to help Winnie out, you know?” I nod toward the door. “But seems like I helped out in a different way.”

“He was a disaster to deal with when he found out you and Winnie came out here.”

“You know, we’re grown women, and we can do what we want,” I say.

“I know, but I think he was worried about losing Winnie, and hell . . . I was worried about losing you too.”

I don’t understand it. When he says things like that, it feels like he feels the same love that I have for him. He makes me believe there could be so much more, but when prompted, I don’t get the same response.

His thumb drags over my cheek. “When we’re allowed to take you out of here, where do you want to go? Back to Banff, or do you want to go home?”

“Home,” I say, not wanting to return to Banff, to the room where I confessed my love for this man. I don’t want to be reminded of that moment, a moment I’m trying desperately to forget even happened.

“Okay.” He leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Then we’ll go home.”