The Unthinkable

I wake up my head heavy and aching and I’m laying next to a fragile and small body. Anna. She is hugging a pillow her back to me and I smile knowing she’s okay. I try to get up but fail and I grab my head in pain groaning obviously attracting her attention as she jumps up kneeling at my side.

‘Hey, Lils you okay?’

‘..Charly...where..is he’

I struggle to speak as my head throbs and hums like mad. What did I do to it? Oh yeah! I fainted.

‘Josh and Freddie are talking to him’

Then I hear it. The loud pounding voices of Freddie and Josh were shooting through the weak walls of our dorm and I instantly fight the stupid bruising in my brain. I charge through the door, ignoring Anna's concerned voice, (I will have to talk to her later) following the shouting into the kitchen where I find a sight I was hoping to be a dream or more like a nightmare.

The bloodied mess of Charly was kneeling on the floor as Freddie and Josh sit at the counter screaming in his ears. He is still shirtless and dried blood coats his oily skin that is covered in sweat. He is breathing slowly with huge breathes in and out and his hair is sticking out in all directions on his flushed face.

‘Lilie you’re okay. What did they do to you?’

Josh gets up going to touch my arm but I step back scowling at him in disgust and disappointment. How could he just leave Charly down here to bleed to death? Yeah, I get he hates him and all but you don't do that to anyone. Even the people you hate.

‘Am I okay? Can you not see the almost lifeless body dripping in blood on our kitchen floor?’

I walk past Josh kneeling down next to Charly. I brush his hair with my fingers whilst my other hand pulls his face up to look at me. His brown eyes are full of pain and I feel tears prick my eyes.

‘..mm..D-Don’t..ccry’ He mumbles under his breath trying not to choke up more blood.

A tear escapes my cheek and I wipe it away quickly not wanting to show my weakness around him. I will be strong.

‘Let’s get you cleaned up’

I stand up thinking about what to do when Freddie walks over to me. Her hands are crossed over her chest and she seems very annoyed almost looking the same as Josh who stands behind her giving Charly a death stare.

'Oh get over it Josh you have Freddie!' I mentally shout at him.

‘What is this all about? First, you say you hate him now you’re all soft and cuddly. Don’t you remember what Tanya said? He watched you in that evaluation! And he watched ...Xander’

She seems annoyed saying, Xander’s name and I wonder why since she was depressed talking about it before.

‘You don’t know the full story Freddie’

‘Oh I think I d-’

‘NO! You don’t!’ I shout stomping my foot down in frustration. ‘I wasn’t in the torture room this time, Charly went inside instead of me. But he didn't save me all the pain. I was forced into a chair and made to watch him suffer! Nothing would save him! Charly has never had a choice! He has been forced just like me to watch people suffer and not know why.’

I paused catching my breath.

‘He watched Xander die, with no choice Freddie. So I think you need to stop accusing people of things that you know nothing about!’

‘No Lils-’

‘Just get me a towel and a pillowcase.’

‘No, you don’t get what-’

‘GET IT!’

I shout and she storms off Josh following behind her like a lost puppy unsure of what to do. Pathetic.

I turn back to Charly who is looking up at my clutching his chest in pain.

‘I’ll be right back okay’

He groans slightly and I take that as an okay. I grab some pillows from the lounge and lay them on the kitchen floor.

‘Right now take my hand’ He takes it ‘And try and move on top of these’

‘ARGH!’

‘Shh shh’

I stroke his hair gently as he struggles over to the pillows on the floor. I end up dragging him over and getting him comfortable, then Freddie returns with the supplies and I get to work.

‘hisss’

‘Oh god, I’m sorry! I forgot to say it will sting a bit’

He chuckles softly.

'It's okay'

I have cleaned Charly up and used the pillowcase to wrap his wounds around his arms and chest. Now I’m just using the booze we found in the cold cupboard thing to stop him getting infections.

I pour it lightly on his chest and arms, him hissing the whole time and me apologizing and stroking his hair in return. I know a bit about this after reading medical books. I used the knowledge to get food from floaters. I was their local nurse basically.

‘All Done. I’ll leave you to get some sleep’

I stand up placing the booze on the counter but he calls me back.

‘Wait, Lilie!’

I turn back staring at him. I have added more pillows making a little fort and giving him my duvet cover for warmth. His hair and chest are clean making him look much less like a well... zombie.

‘Can you stay with me? Please’

I think it through. As much as I want to I need to speak to Anna. I almost say no but he sticks his bottom lip out making a pleading face that I can't possibly say no to, like come on. He cheated!

‘Only for a bit. I need to talk to Anna’

He nods smiling and I lie down next to him in the dark, empty kitchen. I do love being alone in the silence but I much preferred the silence with him. I feel so comfortable sitting with him and not talking which isn’t usually something I enjoy around people.

‘Do you know any poems?’

I nod smiling at him.

‘Can you sing one? For me’

I clear my throat picking the first poem that comes to mind and let the words flow out of my heart.

’I will protect you By Rosemary Doyle

I will protect you

no mater the trouble you face

no matter the danger

I will be there

always to protect you’

To my surprise, he sings the next verse and I smile down at him watching him recite it by heart.

′I will protect you

from all your fears

never will you have to shed a tear

I will be there

We continue reciting a verse each until the last few lines that we share.

'never fear' I whisper

'I'm right here' He turns to me stroking my cheek

'Always to protect you.' I say the last few words getting lost in his eyes as he caresses my cheek slowly. I try and get my bearings and concentrate. Clearing my throat and ignoring his hand I make conversation.

'How did you know the poem?'

'It was in a book I read once. You?'

'My Nana. She taught me some when I was young'

He continues stroking my cheek and playing with strands of my hair and I realize how tired I am when I yawn slightly.

'I had better get some sleep'

He nods lightly not removing his hand.

'Goodnight, Charly'

'Night'

I go to stand but he pulls me into a hug and I at first sit confused knowing I need to get back to my room but I felt so safe in his arms. So I hugged back.(Damn you hormones!) I lie down in his arms as he holds me close to his chest and my small arms wrap around his muscular ones avoiding his bandages.

I drift off into deep sleep feeling safer than ever before close to someone that I cared about more than expected and someone who cares about me.

We may care for each other but there are so many things haunting us both. And they aren't going away. We have physical wounds that turn into scars, everyone can see that. But nobody can see our scars on the inside. Nobody will see what we have seen.

He understands me. He shares my scars.