The Tearsmith: A Novel

My heart is full of bruises,

but my soul is full of stars,

because some galaxies of shivers

only shine under the skin.

Time stopped.

The world stopped turning.

There was just us.

Inside me, universes colliding had reshaped everything I thought I knew.

I couldn’t move. My eyes were fixed and staring. But inside…

Inside, I was no longer myself.

My soul shook. Emotions burst out of everywhere, I couldn’t stop them. My feelings spiralled down, with increasing speed, increasing momentum – No, no, wait, I wanted to shout at my heart, please, wait, not like this…not like this…

But there was no respite.

It was crazy to think that the world was oblivious to the explosion that had just taken place within me. It was like a special torture, just for me, silently digging deeper and burning with every breath.

Rigel’s fingers clutched at the dress at my hips. His hands slowly worked their way up my body, rumpling the fabric. I didn’t dare to breathe. I wanted to feel them every day.

Suddenly, his mouth landed on my stomach.

He kissed my skin through my dress.

I held my breath. I was in disarray. Hypersensitive and burning, I didn’t have the presence of mind to react. Another kiss, higher up this time, on a rib that would burn forever more. I shivered. His hands drew me closer to him.

‘R…Rigel,’ I stammered, as he left a long, burning kiss on my breastbone. He seemed lost, bewildered by my warmth, my scent, my body so close.

My heart pounded in my stomach, rising to meet the caress of his lips. I clutched his hair in my hands and his breath made my head spin.

He kissed the bare skin of my chest, slowly, in that way that was uniquely him, with teeth and lips. His hot tongue traced the contours of my breasts as they rose and fell with my gasping breaths. His fingers crept along my thigh and squeezed, drawing it to him. My heart couldn’t resist.

I tried to ignore the sweet tension that was rising in my stomach, but it was impossible. It felt like it was twisting my heart. I felt hot, wet, trembling. The situation was getting out of hand. I didn’t recognise any of these sensations, and yet they all belonged to me.

I let out a soft moan.

Unrestrained, he pulled me closer to him and possessively pressed my thigh against his side. He sunk his mouth into my throat, biting it, torturing it, taking that tension to the limit. My breathing accelerated.

His teeth probed the curve of my neck, savouring it like a forbidden fruit. My legs went weak, my heart took up all the space in my body.

I couldn’t think.

I felt my ankles shaking, the bones of his pelvis cutting into my thighs, my hands firm against his shoulders to keep him close to me. He had become the centre of my universe. He was all I could see, all I could feel, every inch of my body trembled at just the thought of him.

He kissed the artery in my throat where my pulse was pounding. I was hardly breathing, overwhelmed by violent sensations. He squeezed my breast. A powerful, frightening shiver gripped my stomach.

Suddenly, reality crashed over me like a bucket of freezing water. I jumped, the tension broke and the fear of how real and true my feelings were overcame me.

‘No!’

I detached myself from his body and moved away.

Rigel was staring at me, petrified, with dishevelled hair, and every step away from him I took was like a stab in the heart.

‘We can’t,’ I murmured disjointedly. ‘We can’t!’

I wrapped my arms around myself and he saw the flash of terror in my eyes.

‘What…’

‘It’s wrong!’

My voice echoed around the room. That one word broke something within both of us.

Something shifted in Rigel’s eyes. I had never seen them look as bright as they did in that moment.

‘It’s…wrong?’ he repeated quietly. It didn’t even sound like his voice. Incredulity morphed into hurt and his eyes dimmed as if his soul was shrivelling. ‘What? What’s wrong, Nica?’

He already knew the answer, but he wanted confirmation.

‘This…’ I replied, not brave enough to name what was inside of me, because defining it would have been equivalent to admitting it, and therefore accepting it. ‘We can’t! Rigel, we…we’re about to become brother and sister!’

Saying this caused me excruciating pain, but that’s what we would be in the eyes of the world. Brother and sister. The relationship I had always refused now seemed like eternal condemnation.

I remembered what I had read in Alan’s book. It burned like a scorch mark that would never go away.

It was a mistake, we shouldn’t, we couldn’t – my soul screamed, and the injustice of it took my breath away. Our fairy tale grew thickets of thorns, its pages rotted, and the more Rigel looked at me, the more I felt the childish desire to smash myself in two.

My heart hung in the balance of two shining globes.

On the one side, light, warmth, wonder and Anna’s eyes. The family I had always wanted. The only hope that enabled me to survive the matron hitting and hurting me.

On the other, dreams, shivers and universes of stars. Rigel. Everything he had painted within me. Rigel and his thorns. Rigel and his eyes that pierced my soul.

And me, there in the midst of that chaos, crushed between two conflicting desires.

‘You’re still lying to yourself…’

Rigel was still looking at me. But now…now he was light years away from me.

His eyes were no longer open wounds, but deep, distant chasms.

‘You’re deceiving yourself…you want to believe in the fairy tale, but we’re broken, Nica. We’re splintered. It’s in our nature to destroy things. We are Tearsmiths.’

‘You’ve destroyed me,’ Rigel’s eyes seemed to whisper. ‘Yes, you, so fragile and soft, you are destruction personified.’

I felt tears stinging my eyes.

We spoke a language that others couldn’t understand, because we came from a universe that was ours alone. Those words scratched me, they pierced my soul, like nothing else in the world.

‘I can’t lose all this,’ I whispered. ‘I can’t, Rigel…’

He knew it. He knew what it meant to me. He stared at me, his gaze burning with pain, fighting a battle he knew he couldn’t win.

I saw the light in his eyes fading.

I wanted to grasp it, but it was already too late.

‘Go then,’ he hissed.

Nica jumped, tears in her eyes. He felt like dying.

His mind was all black and screaming. Pain gnawed at his heart. He knew how important it was for her. He knew how much she yearned for a family. He couldn’t blame her.

But her promise to never leave him had given him a hope that he hadn’t even had time to hold on to before she snatched it away from him. His destructive thought patterns started tearing everything to shreds, ripping him to pieces.

‘Please…’ Nica shook her head. ‘Rigel, please, I don’t want this…’

‘And what do you want? What do you want, Nica?’

His frustration exploded. He got to his feet, towering over her, and burned under those eyes that he dreamt of every night.

‘What do you want from me?’ he asked, exasperated.

The writhing inside him rose up, urging him to touch her, to kiss her. He clenched his fists, powerlessly. For a moment, he wanted to rip his heart out and throw it away. He knew that he only had himself to blame. This, at the end of the day, was the painful punishment for his own mistake.

Playing the piano, that day at The Grave.

Making Anna and Norman choose him.

Staying with her.

It had been an act of pure selfishness, a desperate attempt not to lose her. And now he’d forever be paying the price.

‘I don’t fit into your perfect fairy tale,’ he whispered with a painful bitterness.

He wished he could hate her. He wished he could tear her away from his soul, free her from him, stop hoping.

But she was etched on his heart.

He had tried to give in to love, but he realised that he only knew how to love in that desperate, draining, fragile and twisted way.

Nica’s shining eyes looked at him, destroyed, and Rigel knew she would never be his.

He would never hold her.

He would never kiss her, feel her, breathe her in.

She would always be unreachable, but close enough to hurt him.

In that moment, he realised that there would never be a happy ending. Not for him. He realised, with a painful pang, that he had to hurt her, so she would go away, far away from the disaster that he was. He had to hurt her, because inside he hurt too much to admit to himself how much he wanted her to choose him.

He wanted her with all his being. But more than anything, he wanted to see her happy.

And so if it was a family that would make her happy, he would make that decision easier for her.

‘Go. Go back to your little friend. I’m sure he can’t wait to pick up from where you were interrupted.’

‘Don’t.’ Nica clenched her eyes shut. ‘Don’t try to make me hate you, you won’t succeed.’

Rigel burst into hateful laughter, trying to make it sound believable. Fuck, it hurt him to laugh like that. It was like being devoured by pain.

‘You think I want you around? You think I want your stupid kindness?’

He’d never be able to stand having her near him as a sister. Never.

‘I don’t know what to do with your promises,’ he snarled, injured.

Nica looked away, guilty and distraught. She couldn’t see the sickening sadness in his black eyes.

Rigel felt yet another scar when he saw tears rolling down her cheeks. He stood still, his fists trembling at his sides, and realised that standing firm before her was the bravest thing he had ever done.

And then she left. Again.

He went back to being the wolf.

They were retracing the same steps. Walking along the same path.

But hurting more, this time. Struggling more.

It would never be like before.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

‘I’ll never leave you alone again.’

I felt my promise infecting my soul as I ran away.

From him. From myself. From what we were.

It was all wrong.

Me. Rigel.

The reality that bound us together.

What I felt.

What I didn’t feel.

All of it.

I went downstairs, into the kitchen and out the back door into the garden. I always looked for nature, fresh air and green when I felt myself suffocating. It was the only way I could breathe.

The darkness of the night enveloped me. I leant against a wall, sliding slowly to the ground.

All I could see were his eyes. His dark eyes, the way he looked at me. My promise shattering in his gaze, that light going out…

And yet, I would say the same thing again. I would swear it, forever, because some part of me knew I would never be able to lie to those eyes.

How would I be able to look at him, from here on in?

How would I bear to be near him, without touching him?

Without dreaming of him, holding him, wanting him?

How would I be able to see love in others, when his crumpled heart was the only one I wanted?

How would I be able to think of him as a brother?

I felt split down the middle.

I was lost.

I buried my head between my knees, wretched. It felt like life was making fun of me.

Which piece of your heart will you choose? it seemed to whisper. You can only live with one, because the other will inevitably die. Which piece will you choose?

I felt confused, fragile, stricken.

I was past the point of no return. It was too late to turn back.

I hadn’t even realised that my phone was vibrating. I slipped it out of my pocket.

An extremely long message filled the illuminated screen. Through bleary eyes I just about managed to unlock it.

It was Lionel, apologising for what had happened, for having come to my house in the middle of the night.

The message was far, far too long. I couldn’t manage to grasp even a single word. I was exhausted.

I was staring at the screen when he called. I saw his name flash up on the screen, but didn’t have it in me to pick up.

I didn’t want to speak to him. Not then.

‘I know you’re there,’ he wrote, when he saw that I was online but not answering his call. ‘Please, Nica, pick up…’

He called me again. Once, twice. On his third try, I leant my head backwards and closed my eyes. I accepted the call with a sigh.

‘Lionel, it’s late,’ I whispered, worn out.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said immediately, maybe scared that I’d hang up.

He seemed desperate and sincere.

‘I’m sorry, Nica…I shouldn’t have behaved like that. I was thoughtless, and I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry…’

It wasn’t the right time to talk about it. I couldn’t think straight. There was a world in pieces whirling inside of me, and I couldn’t see beyond it.

‘I’m sorry, Lionel. I don’t feel up to talking about it now.’

‘I don’t regret what I did. It maybe wasn’t the right way to go about it, but…’

‘Lionel…’

He fell silent. He was upset, I could tell, but at that moment I was incapable of giving him my attention.

‘Tomorrow evening…my parents are away. I’m having a party and…I’d like you to be there. We could talk about it.’

I swallowed. I had never been to a party in my life, but I was doubtful that I was in high enough spirits to participate. I stared hazily at the garden.

‘I’m…not sure I’m in the right mood.’

‘Please come,’ he begged. Then he seemed to regret the outburst and moderated his tone. ‘I want us to talk about it. And then…it’ll make you feel better, won’t it?’

He didn’t even know why I sounded so tearful. He hadn’t even asked.

Did he think it was because of him?

‘Promise you’ll come,’ he insisted.

Suddenly, I realised how much simpler things could be with Lionel.

It could be normal.

It could be as simple as possible.

If it weren’t for my soul.

And my mind.

And my heart.

If it wasn’t for the starry sky inside of me…

I clenched my eyes shut.

I’ll be good, the little girl inside reminded me. I pushed her away. I didn’t want to listen.

I was protecting my dream. Feeling loved by a family. That was what I had always wanted.

So why did it hurt so much?

—

The next day I was woken up by my phone ringing.

I had slept terribly.

‘Nica!’ a voice trilled. ‘Hi!’

‘Billie?’ I murmured, covering my eyes with my hand.

‘Oh, Nica, you won’t believe it! Something incredible has happened!’

‘Mm…’ I mumbled drowsily.

My heart was heavy. My cooled emotions and memories from the previous night were like smouldering ruins.

‘I swear, I thought it was going to be a morning like any other…who would have thought? When Grandma told me I had three lucky stars on my horoscope, I never thought I would be that lucky!’

I tried to sit up as Billie kept jabbering on.

‘Why don’t we hang out tonight? Then I can tell you everything! Do you want to come to mine…We can order chicken wings and do those rhubarb face masks I got in the cereal…’

‘This evening?’ I murmured evasively.

‘Yeah, are you busy?’ she asked, a little disappointed.

‘Well…there’s that party…’

‘A party? At whose?’

‘Lionel’s,’ I replied after a moment. ‘Last night…he asked me to go.’

There was a moment of silence. I glanced down at my phone screen to check that Billie was still there.

Her voice exploded in my ear.

‘Oh my God! Are you joking? He invited you officially?’

I moved the phone away from my ear, dazed.

‘I don’t believe it! So you like him? Oh wait, has he told you that he’s interested?’

‘It’s just to chat,’ I explained, but she wasn’t listening.

‘What are you wearing? Have you already decided?’

‘No,’ I replied uncertainly. ‘To tell the truth I haven’t given it a thought…But really, it’s just to chat,’ I clarified. That was the truth, at the end of the day. Lionel had asked me several times, making it clear how important it was to him.

‘I’ve got another idea!’ Billie exclaimed. ‘I’ll help you choose! I’m meeting Miki today, why don’t you come too? Grandma gave me a load of make-up that I haven’t used yet, and then I can also tell you what’s happened!’

‘But…’

‘Come on, it’s perfect! We’ll come and get you in a bit, bring something to change into for tonight! I’ll call Miki and let her know. Later!’

She hung up before I could say anything else.

I stared at the phone, open-mouthed. I flopped back onto the mattress and held back a sigh.

I didn’t share Billie’s enthusiasm about the party. I had only accepted Lionel’s invitation so I could chat with him and clear things up. But a little later, I left my room gripping my backpack and looking only a little faded.

When I found myself on the landing, I realised I couldn’t lift my gaze.

His door…was there. Just a few metres away.

Before something inside me could start stirring in that painful way again, I headed downstairs. I made for the front door, my face downturned because everything made me think of him.

I felt him around me.

He was in the air, like something invisible and fundamental.

I glimpsed the piano out of the corner of my eye and immediately looked away. I got to the door, for the first time impatient to leave that house, but it opened under my nose.

‘Nica!’ Anna blinked. ‘Oh, sorry…are you heading out now?’

I hurried to let her pass.

‘Are your friends already here?’

I had told her that I was going out, so I nodded. I helped her with her bags and she smiled.

‘Thank you.’

Before I could cross the threshold, she planted a delicate kiss on the top of my head. I looked at her, bewildered, and she smiled at me sweetly. I felt suddenly overcome by a desperate, guilty feeling: Anna didn’t know how much I felt torn asunder. She didn’t know what I was giving up because I needed her…

I looked down, biting my lip.

‘I’m off,’ I murmured, feeling awkward.

I rushed out of the house, trying to swallow those pieces of my heart.

‘We are Tearsmiths…’

I urgently drove the thought away as I walked along the street. But his voice remained in me, in my blood, a whisper that would never go away.

I looked for Billie’s grandma’s car, but I couldn’t see it. I did notice, however, a car with its engine running. I headed towards it, but stopped when I saw a man behind the wheel that I’d never seen before.

‘Nica! It’s us! Get in!’ Billie waved from the window. ‘You took your time,’ she reproached me, as I timidly sat down.

Miki, next to the window, gestured hello.

‘Sorry,’ I replied. The car set off, and I leant towards the driver’s seat with a hesitant smile. ‘Hi…I’m Nica.’

The man behind the wheel glanced at me in the rear-view mirror then turned his attention back to the road. I sat back, confused, and Billie waved her hand.

‘He never talks while he’s driving.’

I threw Miki a cautious look.

‘I’m sorry I made you wait. Is he your grandad?’

Billie burst out laughing, making me jump. I looked at her, dumbfounded, and then realised that instead of heading south, as I had thought we were, the car was driving towards the north of the city.

I knew very little about Miki. She always got picked up from school somewhere no one could see her, maybe because there was something about her family situation that embarrassed her. I had assumed that she felt inferior to the rich girls at school, but when the car eventually pulled up in front of her house…I realised I had got it completely wrong.

‘Here we are!’ Billie chirped.

Before me rose an enormous villa in all its grandeur.

Massive, dazzlingly white columns supported a circular terrace, in perfect Art Nouveau style. A wide set of steps led onto an avenue lined with cypress trees. The entrance was guarded by two silent, proud lion statues. Jubilant flowers burst out all around in the magnificent garden.

‘Do you live here?’ I croaked, as Miki got out of the car, chewing gum and her hands deep in her hoodie pockets.

She nodded, passing by me. I stared at her, stunned. A short distance away, a gardener was trimming a hedge in the shape of a rearing colt.

‘Come on!’

Billie dragged me up the shining white steps. The solid walnut front door opened before Miki could touch it.

‘Welcome back, Miss.’

We were welcomed by a kind-mannered woman to whom Billie trilled a greeting.

I was gobsmacked by the entrance hall. A large crystal chandelier dominated a room with a shiny granite floor.

The woman helped me take my jacket off. I stared at her, confused, as Miki took off her tatty hoodie and held it out to her. This time I stopped myself from asking if it was her grandma.

‘Who’s that?’ I asked Billie in a whisper.

‘Her? Oh, that’s Evangeline.’

‘Evangeline?’

‘The housekeeper.’

I watched the woman move away, blinking.

‘Are you an only child?’ I asked Miki as she led the way. The opulence surrounding us made me feel as small and insignificant as a bug.

She nodded.

‘Her family has generations of nobles behind them,’ Billie told me. ‘Even though there’s no such thing as nobility any more…her great-grandparents were the real deal. Look, here they are!’

She looked towards a portrait of a couple, the woman wearing velvet gloves, the man with large sideburns, both of them with severe, haughty expressions.

Then I glimpsed a painting that was, to say the least, enormous. It portrayed three people – a man with a severe face and two glacial eyes that seemed to burn through the canvas; next to him, less severe but just as refined, in a dress that flattered her raven hair and fair complexion, a beautiful woman gave a slight smile; and in front of them, sitting down, was Miki.

It was really her, in an organza dress and her hair tidily brushed down over her shoulders.

‘They’re your parents,’ I noted, looking at the portrait of the serious, noble-looking couple.

Her father, in particular, looked more like a marble statue than a man. He seemed unspeakably austere – intimidating, even. I swallowed. All that solemnity made me feel uneasy.

Suddenly, the door opened behind us. All three of us turned around, and before us loomed a great, big mountain of a man. He was wearing an elegant, haute couture suit; his face was refined and aristocratic; his dark hair was streaked with grey, and his sharp jawline bore a meticulously groomed beard, above which shone two predatory eyes.

There was no doubt about it. This was Miki’s father.

His eyes landed on us and I shuddered. I felt like shrivelling under his gaze.

He puffed out his chest, and then…

‘Little duckling!’ he cooed, beaming.

He ran towards us, arms open wide.

I stared at him, shocked, as he gave Miki a crushing hug, spinning her around like a little girl. He smiled, thrilled, and his large hands stroked her head lovingly.

‘My sweet little duck, how are you? You’re back!’ He rubbed his cheek against hers. ‘How long has it been?’

‘Since breakfast, Dad,’ Miki replied, wearily, like a worn-out doll. ‘We saw each other this morning.’

‘I missed you!’

‘And we’ll see each other again at dinner…’

‘I’ll miss you!’

Miki patiently endured her father’s affections, while I stared disconcerted at the man who up until a moment ago had terrified me with just a look. The same man who was now fussing his daughter with the same voice Norman used when he wanted to pet Klaus.

‘Oh, Marcus, let her breathe!’

A magnificent woman was proceeding towards us, with an elegance that couldn’t be captured in a portrait.

Miki’s mom was a woman of rare finesse. Her movements were like liquid silver; she glided along the floor like a perfume, silky and beautiful.

Miki looked a lot like her.

‘Wilhelmina,’ the woman smiled at Billie. ‘Hello, how wonderful to see you again.’

‘Hello, Amelia,’ my friend replied.

Miki took the opportunity to introduce me.

‘Mom, Dad, this is Nica.’

They turned scorching smiles on me.

‘It’s not often we get the chance to meet new friends,’ her mom said. ‘Makayla is always very reserved…It’s a pleasure to meet you.’

Makayla?

She turned towards her.

‘I’d like her to wear new clothes every once in a while, but she insists on these bulky hoodies…Oh, honey, not that tatty rag again?’

I realised she was referring to Miki’s Iron Maiden t-shirt. It was the same t-shirt that I had fixed. The panda was still there, embroidered on the fabric. Miki hadn’t unpicked it.

‘I’ve had it for years,’ Miki argued. ‘Don’t touch it.’

‘Makayla loves this scrap of cloth she insists on calling a t-shirt,’ her mom told us. ‘Sometimes she’s so scared I’ll get rid of it that she even sleeps in it…’

‘Dad, can Nica get a lift later? She’s got to go somewhere.’

‘Of course, anything for my little duck,’ her dad replied proudly.

I felt even more like a fish out of water when the man who had driven the car appeared in the room carrying a tray and wearing white gloves. I noticed that he had an incredibly aquiline nose. Miki’s dad’s expression immediately changed. He approached him conspiratorially.

‘Hey, Edgard…’

‘Yes, sir?’ asked the butler.

‘You made sure no men got in?’

‘Yes, sir. Not one adolescent male has come through that door.’

‘You’re certain?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘Good,’ Marcus proclaimed triumphantly. ‘No man will get near my little duckling!’ It was a good job he wasn’t looking our way, because Miki’s expression was priceless.

‘We’re going upstairs,’ she croaked, already climbing the stairs.

We waved goodbye to her parents, and they did the same.

Miki’s room was in complete contrast to the rest of the house. Her desk was littered with books and violin sheet music, the walls were covered in band posters, cuttings from magazines and photographs. A panda plushie was sat on a chair in the corner of the room.

‘Your parents are incredible,’ I said. ‘They seem so present.’

‘Yeah,’ she replied. ‘Too present sometimes…’

I had thought that Miki didn’t get enough attention from her parents, and I was pleased to learn that wasn’t the case.

‘Ready?’ Billie turned her bag upside down and out fell a bewitching cascade of shiny tubes and tubs.

‘Right, sit here,’ she said, settling me into a chair.

‘And now…close your eyes!’

—

‘A bit of this one…’

A tingling sensation on my cheeks.

‘And a bit of this one…’

It was the first time I had worn make-up. It was a completely new experience for me.

At the institute, I had looked admiringly at the women who came to visit or who were in the newspapers that the matron would throw away. At the time, I was just a little girl with a grey face and big eyes, wondering what it would be like to shine like that. Now, however, I was probably too shy to ask Anna if we could buy some make-up together.

‘Here we are!’ Billie announced triumphantly. ‘Done!’

I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

‘Oh…wow,’ I gasped, bowled over.

‘Wow, yes,’ she commented.

Miki was standing behind me with her arms outstretched, her nostrils flared and a twisted frown.

‘What on earth have you done to her?’

‘What?’ Billie asked, bringing her face next to mine.

I gazed at my reflection: peacock eye shadow, fiery red lipstick that was a little smudged around my mouth, pink blusher like two round apples on my cheeks.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘What?’

We both stared at her like two owls and she put her head in her hands.

‘You two…’ Miki growled, shaking her head. ‘Give me strength…’

‘You don’t like how I’ve done her make-up?’

‘Since when have you known how to do make-up? You’ve never held a make-up brush in your life! Give it here!’

She grabbed the brush and make-up remover wipes. She vigorously wiped my face clean to start again, while Billie pouted and crossed her arms.

‘Fine, you do her make-up if you’re so good at it…’ she conceded. ‘I’ll help her choose an outfit!’

She held out my backpack with both arms.

‘Are the clothes you brought in here?’

I nodded, and Billie unzipped the bag and took out my clothes, as curious as a cat. She rifled through skirts and blouses with a concentration that made me feel a little uneasy.

‘This is cute…Oh, and this…’ she murmured, as Miki drew two thin lines over my eyelids with something cold and wet.

‘I like this…No, not this…Oh God!’ Billie yelped. I jumped and Miki swore.

‘This! Absolutely! Nica, I’ve found your dress!’

She lifted it victoriously and something twisted inside me. It was the dress I had bought with Anna, the one with the little buttons down the chest and the sky-blue fabric.

‘No,’ I heard myself murmur. ‘Not that one.’

I couldn’t even remember putting it in the bag. I had just shoved in a load of folded clothes.

‘Why not?’ Billie asked, dismayed.

In truth…I didn’t even know myself.

‘It’s…for special occasions.’

‘And this isn’t a special occasion?’

I twisted my fingers. ‘I told you…I’m only going because Lionel asked me. I have to speak to him.’

‘So?’

‘So…I’m not going to get involved.’

‘Nica, it’s a party!’ Billie burst out. ‘Everyone will be dressed up for…for a party! And this dress must look amazing on you, really amazing…What better occasion to wear it?’

‘There’s no need…’

‘There is though,’ she replied with newfound determination. In her eyes I saw the affectionate gleam of someone who wanted me to shine. ‘Everyone should see you wearing this, Nica…You won’t look out of place, trust me…And if you really want to you can wear it for other occasions too, but today…today is definitely one of those occasions. You won’t regret it, I promise…Do you trust me?’

She smiled and laid the dress out on the bed. I realised she wanted to give me a unique, different and exciting evening. I had never been to a party, I had never worn a dress like this, I had never dressed up and worn make-up, and I suspected that Billie knew this. She was doing this for me. To brighten me up and make me feel special.

And yet, seeing that gorgeous dress waiting for me on the bed, all I could do was look down and feel, deep down, even more wrong.

I knew who it was I wanted to wear that dress for, and he wasn’t going to be at the party.

Miki lifted my chin with her finger, and without meaning to, I met her gaze. I quickly glanced away before she could see the distress in my eyes.

‘Look what I’ve found!’

Billie poked her head out of the wardrobe. When had she opened it?

She showed me some light-coloured, slender sandals, with a thin strap that fastened around the ankle. They were very cute. And they were still in the box.

‘Are they yours?’ I asked Miki.

She smirked. ‘A gift. From distant relatives. They aren’t even my size…’

‘But they’re your size!’ Billie held them out to me, beaming.

I looked uncertainly at the little heel.

‘I’ve never worn heels before…’

‘Try them on, come on!’

I slipped my feet into them and Billie and Miki made me stand up.

They suited me. I teetered after just a few steps, but they didn’t seem to think that was a problem.

Billie waved a hand. ‘Don’t worry about it, you’ve got all afternoon to practise walking in them!’

—

That is how I spent the rest of the day.

Eventually, once I’d put on the dress and my make-up was finished, they said I could look in the mirror.

I obeyed. And…

I was speechless.

It was me. But it didn’t look like me.

My eyelashes were thick and black, making my grey eyes look dazzling. Whatever Miki had put on my lips made them look like two luscious petals. My cheeks were rosy and full, and my skin, usually grey and a little dull, shone under my freckles like iridescent velvet.

A white silk ribbon held half of my hair up off my face, while the other half tumbled softly down my back.

It was really me…

‘You’ll give him a heart attack,’ Billie burst out with glee and pride.

I looked at her, my cheeks burning. She yelped, ‘If I had my camera with me, I’d take a photo of you! You’re…God, you look…you look like a doll!’

She smoothed the fabric over my hips, looking at me with bright, admiring eyes.

‘Holy cow, just wait for them to see you! Miki, what do you think?’

‘I’ll tell Edgard to drop you off right outside the house,’ Miki said, looking at me sideways. ‘So you’re not roaming the streets looking like that.’

Billie laughed and looked at me euphorically. ‘It’ll be like a fairy tale, you’ll see!’

A fairy tale…

Right…

I looked at my reflection with dull eyes, trying to feel the same euphoria as Billie, but I couldn’t do it. Inside me there was just an expanse of arid emptiness. And it whispered his name.

‘Oh Nica, before you go, I’ve got to tell you what happened today!’

She flapped her hands excitedly. I realised that she’d been waiting to tell us all day.

‘What’s it about?’ I asked, giving her my entire attention.

‘You won’t believe it!’

We gathered around her, inviting her to speak. Billie kept us on tenterhooks for a little longer, but it was clear that she was champing at the bit to tell us. Finally, she burst out, ‘I found out who gave me the rose!’

Silence fell.

I stared at her, my mouth open in alarm. Miki, next to me, was petrified.

‘What?’ I swallowed.

‘I’ve worked it out!’ she replied happily. ‘I went out this morning to do some shopping, and as I was crossing the park this sausage dog almost tripped me up…Heavens! This guy arrives, and basically, with one thing and another, we get talking…and I find out he’s at the same school as us! The point is that we were chatting all morning, he even came with me to do the shopping. And we’re laughing and joking, and then you know what he says to me? He says he’s happy that it was me that Findus, his sausage dog, tripped over, because it gave him an excuse to talk to me…He says he’s been wanting to for ages, but that he’s been too shy…And then, well, I had a lightbulb moment!’ Her eyes were shining. ‘I asked him if he was the one who sent me the rose. I got straight to the point, basically! So he said, “What rose?”, and I said, “The white rose, the one I get anonymously every year,”…and, well, what did he say? You know what he said? He said yes!’

The joyful reaction Billie had been expecting was not forthcoming.

I couldn’t see the expression on Miki’s face. I cleared my throat and said, ‘You’re…sure? You’re definitely sure that…’

‘Yes! Without a shadow of a doubt! You should have seen how embarrassed he was, he couldn’t look me in the face!’ She waved her hands, her hair static with excitement. ‘Can you believe it? It’s him! Would you ever have guessed that I’d practically fall ov–’

‘No.’

Next to me, Miki was still completely motionless. And yet something within her must have just snapped.

‘It’s not him.’

‘I can hardly believe it either! I swear, I never would have thought that such a cute guy…’

‘No,’ Miki said again. ‘He lied to you.’

‘Mm mm,’ Billie shook her head with a smile. ‘No! He said it loud and clear…’

‘And you believe him? You believe a stranger?’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’

‘Maybe because he told you exactly what you wanted to hear!’

Billie blinked. She hesitated before replying. ‘…And so what if it was?’ she asked quietly. ‘What harm does it do?’

‘What harm does it do?’ Miki repeated through gritted teeth. ‘As ever, you’re too naïve to realise when you’re being made fun of!’

‘What do you know? You don’t even know him!’

‘Oh, and you do?’

‘Well, a bit, yeah! We spent all morning together!’

‘And so now you believe whatever bullshit he tells you?’

Billie jerked her chin back with a frown. ‘What’s your problem? I wouldn’t have told you if I’d have known you’d react like this…’

Miki clenched her fists, shaking with frustration. ‘How were you expecting me to react?’

‘I was expecting you’d be happy for me! Nica’s happy for me!’ She turned towards me. ‘Aren’t you?’

‘I…’

‘I’m supposed to be happy that you let the first guy to pass by take the piss out of you?’

I didn’t like the way things were going. There was something nasty crackling in the air.

‘He wasn’t taking the piss out of me! He said…’

Miki raised her voice. ‘It’s not him!’

‘Yes, it is!’ Billie burst out, throwing her hands up in the air. ‘Stop making out as if you’re always right!’

‘And you stop believing any old bullshit!’

‘Why?’ Billie dug her heels in. Her tone had changed. ‘Is it so difficult for you to accept that someone might be interested in me?’

‘You’re so obsessed with your own loneliness you can’t see beyond the end of your nose!’

Miki realised she had gone too far when her best friend’s eyes flashed with surprise.

I stared at them, breathless, feeling an earthquake beneath my feet that I was unable to stop.

‘That’s how it is, is it?’ Billie whispered, looking hurt. ‘And you don’t need anyone or anything. Your parents are so present that you can treat everyone else badly?’

‘What’s that got to do with it?’ Miki retorted, red in the face.

‘You always do this! Always! You can’t even be happy for me!’

‘It’s not him!’

‘That’s what you want!’ she shouted, spewing resentment. ‘You want it not to be him! You want me to be alone like you, because there’s no one else who can stand you!’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Miki shouted, infuriated. ‘I’m sorry if you haven’t got anyone else to call at four in the morning! It must be hard for you, to have to confess everything to me when you feel a bit lonely!’

‘You’re happy that there’s anyone calling you,’ Billie erupted tearfully. ‘You enjoy it, it’s the only consolation you have for your repulsive personality! No one wants anything to do with you!’

‘IT’S NOT HIM!’

‘Stop it!’

‘It’s not him, Billie!’

‘Why?’ she screamed.

‘Because it’s me!’

Billie’s face twitched. She stared at her friend, stunned and speechless.

‘What?’ she dared to ask after a while.

‘It’s me,’ Miki spat out. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at her. ‘It’s always been me.’

Billie looked at her, aghast, in a way I had never seen before.

‘It’s not true,’ she murmured after a moment. The incredulity on her face hardened. ‘It’s not true, you’re not telling the truth…’

‘Yes, I am.’

‘No!’ she burst out, shaking. ‘You’re lying!’

Miki said nothing, and her silence turned the certainty in Billie’s eyes to ashes. Slowly…she started to shake her head.

‘No, I don’t believe you…’ she whispered, as if she was trying to convince herself. ‘Why did you do it? Why…why did you…’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘Out of pity?’

‘No…’

‘To punish me? Is that it?’ Tears were streaming down her face. ‘Because I was too affectionate?’

‘No!’

‘So I’d stop complaining how lonely I was? Is that it?’

‘Stop it!’

‘Tell me the truth! Once and for all!’

It was the only way that Miki could express what she was feeling. In an act of desperation, she grabbed Billie’s face and kissed her on the lips.

It was too sudden. Billie’s eyes flew open, full of horror and dismay, and she pushed her away as hard as she could.

She staggered backwards, her wrist to her lips, shaking and shocked. The way she was staring at her best friend was nothing like how you would look at someone you’ve known your whole life, someone with whom you’ve shared years of smiles and tears.

I heard the thunder of Miki’s heart breaking apart.

Billie turned and ran away.

‘Billie!’ I called after her, distressed. I stopped outside the room and saw her disappearing at the end of the landing.

Miki bumped into me as she ran the other way, holding back her tears.

‘M…Miki…’ I held out a hand to her and turned from one to the other, upset, not knowing who to run after.

I had never seen them argue like that, never. They had said terrible things to each other, things they didn’t even really think. I knew that anger could bring out the worst in even the best of people.

I thought about Miki, and everything that was surely tearing her to pieces. And yet, she had endured the loneliness of her feelings day after day and had managed to hold it together.

Billie, on the other hand, must have been distraught.

I turned and ran to her.

I opened the doors one by one until I found her in what must have been a tea parlour.

She was crouched on the ground with her arms around her knees.

I approached her cautiously, and realised that she wasn’t just shaking…she was sobbing.

My heart ached. With all the tenderness in the world, I placed a hand on her shoulder, and knelt down to hug her from behind.

I hoped she didn’t think I was being intrusive, but that worry vanished when she tightened her grip on my arms, accepting my presence.

‘You don’t have to stay here,’ she whispered tearfully. ‘Don’t worry about me…Go, otherwise you’ll be late for the party.’

But I shook my head. Without hesitation, I slipped off my sandals and sat down next to her.

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I’ll stay with you.’