The Many Faces of Tully

It’s one in the morning.

Time doesn’t mean anything to me, but it means everything. I don’t care what time it is, but the longer it takes, the worse I feel. Each passing hour I feel less alive. I feel less like a human and more of a monster. I’ve never hated myself more. Each passing second my hate grows. If Jace dies then so should I. I wish he had killed me yesterday so I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to do this to him. The world is so unfair.

It’s twelve in the afternoon.

Calchas doesn’t bother to bring food this time. I’ve given up trying to wipe off Jace's sweat. I’ve given up looking for a change. I’ve given up fidgeting. I’m just trying to curl in on myself and hope I disappear. Hope I stop feeling. Hope I stop caring. I can’t do any of those.

“Anything?” I hear him ask me.

I just shake my head and don’t move from my ball of misery. I try to hug my knees tighter to my chest. My arms ache from holding on so tightly, but I don’t loosen my grip. My back is starting to throb painfully from my curved position and my butt is numb from sitting on it for so long, but I refuse to move. I try to burry my face deeper into my knees.

The machine stops. I start it back up with my powers without looking up. I’ve given up moving. I’ve given up trying. I’ll probably still be here when they take away his dead body, starting up the machine and trying to disappear. I’ve given up hoping for a change.

“He’ll be okay, Tully,” Calchas tries to comfort me. I moan pitifully. “You should have more faith in that boy. I’ve seen him bounce back from the impossible.”

“Improbable,” I correct him. “This is impossible.” My voice echoes from the hollow of my ball of misery.

“Okay, Tully. Think what you want.” I hear him leave. I know I should believe him, but I can’t help but to have doubts. It’s been an entire day. Why isn’t he better yet? Why isn’t he healed? It’s taking too long.

I don’t even lift up my head to check the time. I can’t move. I won’t move. I’m a statue. If Jace isn’t moving, then neither am I. If he’s lifeless, I’m going to hope that I am too. I hate the steady beating of my heart and my deep even breaths. I wish I could give them to him. I wish our positions were swapped. I wish a lot of things.

The door opens and I don’t know who it is. Someone sits down next to me and I feel their arm wrap around my shoulder. Only two people here would do that and one of them is lying lifeless on the table.

“How’re you hanging in there?” Nash asks me.

I just shrug. I don’t trust my voice. I don’t want to use my voice. My voice will betray me. I will break down if I talk.

“You ever going to move?” he asks me. I shake my head. “He’s going to be okay Tully. Calchas was studying his CT scans and they are looking better every time. He’s healing,” he says fervently.

A painful noise comes out of my throat. He’s not healing fast enough. Shouldn’t he at least be awake by now? Why hasn’t he woken up? Why hasn’t he made a single noise? Why hasn’t he moved an inch? He’s dead. His body is healing but he’s not going to wake up.

“Want me to leave you be?” he asks me. I nod. He removes his arm from my shoulders and stands up.

“What time is it?” I choke out suddenly. I want to know but I don’t want to look.

“It’s ten o’clock,” he says softly, and then I hear him leave.

I moan. He’s been in here for almost a day and a half. He’s never taken this long to heal. The longest I’ve ever seen him take to heal was like ten minutes. And that was from the bullet right next to his heart. He told me it took him about an hour when he was hit with the boulder from Hutsi.

He was wrong to think that that would be similar. It’s almost been thirty-six hours since I exploded on him. My explosion is a hundred times worse than the boulder. I’m a hundred times more powerful than anyone here. And I’m a hundred times more of a murderer.

I finally move to check the time. It’s four in the morning. I peek up at Jace. He’s still glowing green. But he’s not sweating any more. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I start up the machine again and drop my head back to my knees.

My thoughts have no words anymore. Just feelings. The only time my thoughts change is when I hear the machine stop and I have to focus on starting it up again. I’ve been in here for years. Decades. Centuries. Millenniums. My misery is never ending. It’s infinite.

I’m in a hypnagogic state. I’m not awake any more, but I’m not quite sleeping. I hate myself too much to actually fall into the liberation of sleep. I’m not allowed that kind of relief. I’m undeserving. I’m too numb to feel any more. I’m a lifeless ball curled up against the wall. I don’t move. I don’t think.

I don’t hear the machine stop. I don’t hear Calchas come in and turn it back on. I don’t hear Nash try to reassure me. I don’t hear them come or go. I don’t feel them tugging on my arms, trying to get me to move. I don’t feel them place a blanket around my shoulders. I’m not here. I’m not awake or alert. I’m too far gone in my sleep that’s not sleep. I’m nothing. I’m nowhere. I’m gone.

Agony.

Fear.

Misery.

Loathing.

Contrition.

Terror.

Doubt.

Anguish.

Dread.

Torment.

Grief.

Aching.

Hatred.

Next thing I know someone is shaking my shoulder. They’re saying my name, telling me to wake up. I was never sleeping. I notice the machine isn’t going so I start it up.

“There’s no need for that,” he says. I gasp and look up. Jace is standing in front of me bending over so his face was close to mine. He has a small smile on his lips. It’s so beautiful that I want to cry.

I scramble up to my feet and throw my arms around him. I can’t hold myself up. My body is too stiff. It’s a good thing Jace is holding on to my waist so tightly because my legs give out beneath me. I’m sobbing and holding on to him as tightly as I can. I’m impressed that I can even move my arms.

“Have you been sitting here the entire time?” His mouth is right next to my ear. His voice sounds so sweet to me. I didn’t think I would ever hear it again.

I sob and nod my head. How could I ever leave him? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I didn’t.

“How long was I out?” His breath tickles my ear.

“Um, what time is it?” I sniffle, but check my watch over his shoulder. It says 5:35. I don’t know if it’s a.m. or p.m. “I honestly don’t know. Two days? I stopped paying attention after four a.m. on the second morning. I don’t know if it’s night or morning.”

He chuckles. It sounds like angels singing. “I’d say I would go check but I’m sort of content where I am right now.” He laughs again. I cry and laugh with him.

“I was so worried. I thought you weren’t going to make it. You were taking too long,” I complain. I never thought I would hug him again. I didn’t think I was ever going to see him strong and sturdy again. I never thought I would hear his voice again.

“I’m sorry for making you wait. Would it be too inappropriate to tell you ‘I told you so’ right now?” he asks me.

“You can say whatever you want. I’m just glad to hear you talk again,” I say to him. My arms are getting weaker. I won’t be able to keep myself up for much longer.

“Oh, well in that case,” he starts but the door opens.

“Finally finished healing have you?” I hear Calchas say. Jace starts to unwind his arms from me. I try to put my feet beneath me but my knees give out. I sink to the floor and land on my hip. I start to lean over but I catch myself before I fall flat on my face.

“Tully!” Jace exclaims and drops to my side. “Are you all right? What’s wrong?”

“Tired,” I mumble. My emotions have been stretched too thin these pass two days and my muscles were too strained the past day and half.

“She’s been curled up in that little ball for a little over a day now. Hasn’t eaten either,” Calchas says, kneeling down next to me too.

“Why did you do that?” Jace asks me disapprovingly. He’s frowning again. I don’t ever want to see him frown again.

“Because I thought I killed you, okay? Can you blame me for feeling miserable? How would you have coped if you killed me?” I question him. My elbows are starting to shake and I’m not sure how much longer they’ll be able to support me.

“Probably the same way,” Jace admits. “Let’s get you to bed now that I’m not dead.” He smiles slightly. I smile weakly in response.

“Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t think I can make it to my bed,” I say. I force myself to sit up straighter.

“Come here, goof,” Jace says. He sticks one arm behind the back of my knees and the other on my back. He lifts me off the ground and starts to carry me out of the room. I fall asleep before we even make it to my room, which is only twenty feet away.