The Many Faces of Tully

I stay a lion all day. It is exactly the kind of mind numbing thing I was looking for. Everyone takes their chance to look at me and to touch me. They’re all fascinated by my ability to morph. Even the twins check me out. Jace stays by my side all day.

I’m starving but I don’t want to morph back into a human to eat. I want to stay like this forever, though I know I can’t. I just don’t want to face reality for a while. Morphing back would mean having my feelings crash in on me again and I’ll have to think about my nightmare. I don’t want to do that.

I’m in the garden alone with Jace now. Nash left a bit ago to go eat dinner. I’m sprawled out in the grass and Jace is sitting next to me. He’s leaning back on his hand and his legs are stretched out in front of him. It’s the first time we’ve been alone today.

“Tully,” he says. I look up at him. He’s not looking at me. He’s staring at a flower. “I want to know something.” He still doesn’t look at me.

I cock my head to the side, to show him that I’m listening. I think I know what he’s going to ask though, and I don’t want him to.

“Why haven’t you morphed back yet? I have a feeling you’re trying to stay like this on purpose so you don’t have to talk to anyone.” He finally looks at me and his eyes are penetrating.

I grumble slightly and drop my head. How come he’s always right? I swear it’s like he can read minds sometimes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks me softly.

I shake my head vigorously. I don’t want to talk about it. That’s why I’m like this.

“I think you should talk about it. It’s not good to bottle things up.” I lean my head down on my paws. “Is it about your dream?”

I sigh heavily. Why does he always ask me things I don’t want to answer? I swear he’d be the best interrogator ever. He reads the situation and knows what you’re trying to hide. I wonder how he does it.

“Tully,” he sighs my name. I peek up at him. “I wish you would talk to me. You can trust me, you know?” He’s looking at me sadly and his sadness fills me. I can feel it in every inch of my body. This body can’t handle that kind of sadness. It’s strictly human sadness, and I can feel myself morphing back now.

I don’t itch or anything. I just shrink back to normal size and my fur just retracts into my body. It’s like my morphing but in reverse. When I’m human again I sit up. I sit next to his knees, facing him, and I stretch my legs out. I don’t look at him.

“Huh. That’s weird,” he speculates.

“What’s weird?” I mumble to the grass.

“You look the same.” I just shrug. I don’t care right now. “Tully.” He sounds expectant.

I finally look up at him. He’s looking at me sympathetically. I pull my knees to my chest and hug them. I drop my gaze.

“Everyone was in it,” I grumble. He won’t stop until I tell him, so better get it over with. Besides, talking about it might help. “I relived every time I murdered someone, and then I was in a room and they were all there. I was chained to the wall so I couldn’t move, I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t protect myself.”

“Protect yourself from what?” I hear him ask. He scoots closer to me and sits crisscross.

I stare at my feet. “Them.” Tears are filling my eyes. “Peter told them all to attack me, and they did. They started hitting me, punching me, biting me, everything. I screamed at Peter to help me, but he wouldn’t.” Talking about it wasn’t helping.

“Then, they started taking what was theirs from me. Mark’s wife chewed off my ouroboros snakes. The high school kid chewed off my panther tattoo and the other one broke my thumb taking off his ring. Jack took back his necklace and Carl took his earring. The runner up tore out her belly ring from me and then Peter came up to me. He took off his watch and said I didn’t deserve to wear them. And then he punched me and that’s when I woke up,” I sniffle.

Jace doesn’t say anything, and I don’t want to look at him but I have to, to see what he looks like. He’s frowning at me and has his eyebrows are pulled together in concern. His eyes are roaming around my face, looking for answers.

His eyes come to rest on mine and I get lost in them. I forget about telling him about my nightmare and about feeling miserable. All I can focus on is how gray his eyes look right now, and how they seem to see right through me. They see all of me, all that I’ve done, but still look at me with fondness. They don’t judge me. They’re safe. Just like him.

“I’m really sorry that you had that dream. I don’t think I will ever fully understand how horrible this all is for you and I’m sorry about that too. You’re an incredible person Tully. I don’t think you realize how strong you are. If anyone else had to go through what you did, they would be crushed by the weight of it.”

I don’t look away from his eyes. I can’t. I just want to get lost in their safety forever. Maybe if I stare at them long enough they’ll make me safe too. That’s all I want, is to be safe. So we can be safe together.

“You carry it because you feel you have to, because of what you did. You blame yourself so wholly but you force yourself to go on, so you can carry that blame. Anyone else would crumple if they tried that. You feel so guilty but you feel the need to live so you can carry on their memory. You just want someone to remember them, and to know what happened to them so they didn’t die in vain.

“Wait, that was a lie. A cruel, evil person could do what you have, because they would just brush their deaths off. A good person, like you, would be crushed, but you’re not. That proves how strong you are, and you should realize that. You are seriously the strongest person I know, Tully. That’s part of the reason why I like hanging out with you so much. You make me feel like I can be strong too. Like I can embrace that side of my power and control it,” he admits to me.

“That’s kind of ironic, because you make me feel weak. But you make me feel safe. That’s part of the reason why I like hanging out with you so much. You make me feel like I can be safe too. You’re so sturdy, so sure of yourself. I’m not. I’m terrified all the time, and I can’t trust myself to be near anyone. We’re so different, and it hurts me every time I think about it. You’re safe, I’m dangerous. You’re sturdy and I’m uncontrollable. Exact opposites.” I can hear the sadness in my voice. I finally drop my eyes. I can’t believe I admitted that. I can’t believe I said it to him. I pretty much told him that I’m head over heels for him. I wonder if I’m going to make him run from me.

“Did you ever think that might work for us though?” His voice is burning with intensity. I look up at him again, his eyes are glowing brightly, and his face is set defiantly.

“Did you ever think that might completely destroy us?” I question him. My heart is starting to beat unevenly.

“Did you ever think that it’s worth the risk?” he rebuts.

“Is it though?” I turn it back onto him. We’re dancing around the edges. Neither of us wants to say it first, but both of us want to go there. Who’s going to cave first? I need to stay strong. I can’t condemn him. We’re too close already. Any closer and I will end up killing him.

“That is a very good question.” He backs off finally and I sigh internally. It was a sigh of relief and sadness. My emotions are too mixed about this. This isn’t good at all.

“Hey, do you mind if I use your laptop for a little bit tonight?” I ask him. I need something to distract me tonight. I don’t feel like sleeping at all. The nightmare is still too fresh.

“Of course.” He doesn’t bat an eye.

“Thanks.” I smile at him and he returns it quickly. My heart finally finds its normal rhythm.