The Fault in Our Pants: A Parody of “The Fault in Our Stars”

Long story short: Augustus went rapidly downhill.

I won’t get into the details. If you want those, feel free to look up “osteosarcoma” on Wikipedia. Suffice it to say there was a lot of losing weight, and sleeping all day, and dementia, and throwing up everywhere.

But there was also the Last Not Throwing Up Everywhere Day.

One of the less bullshitty conventions of the cancer kid genre is the Last Not Throwing Up Everywhere Day, where the cancer patient, who for months has been a walking vomit-producing machine, miraculously has a day without throwing up everywhere – not in their bed, or on themselves, or on you.

I had taken an afternoon off from visiting Augustus so I could wash all my clothes that were covered with throw up. I’d just dumped an entire bottle of Shout on a single blouse when Augustus called.

“Hi,” I said.

He answered not in the weak, slow voice I’d become used to over the past few weeks, but in the original, incomparable Augustus voice I’d fallen for. “Good evening, Hazel Grace. Do you suppose you could find your way to the Church of the Anus of Jesus at eight p.m.?”

“I think I can clear my schedule,” I said.

“Excellent,” he said. “Also, if it’s not too much trouble, please prepare a eulogy.”

“Okay. May I ask why?”

“I want to attend my own funeral,” he said. “I hope to attend the actual one as a ghost, but since I’m not sure that’s technically possible, I wanted to cover all the bases and have a prefuneral. And since I’m not throwing up everywhere today, I figured no time like the present.”

“See you at eight,” I said.

***

The prefuneral was held in the nave of the church, where they normally held services. There was organ music playing, and candles everywhere. When I arrived, Augustus approached and addressed me like a funeral usher. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he said, and sat me next to Isaac, who was the only other person there. Augustus then went up to the podium.

“We are gathered here tonight to celebrate the life of Augustus Waters,” Augustus said. “Our first speaker will be Isaac.” Augustus led Isaac up to the podium, then sat down next to me to listen.

Isaac cleared his throat. “I had originally written a long eulogy to read to you tonight,” Isaac said. “But a couple of hours ago I tore it up. Why? Because I got a call from the Genie Foundation.”

My stomach dropped. But when I turned to Augustus, he was just smiling.

“The Genies said that they’d been doing their usual review of receipts from my Wish Trip,” Isaac said, “and apparently there’d been some sort of mixup. Instead of receipts for a trip to Tokyo, they’d accidentally been sent receipts for a trip to Amsterdam. But when I heard this, I knew there was no mixup.”

I looked at Augustus again. He was still smiling.

“Some people would say that I should be angry at Augustus Waters, even though he’s no longer with us,” Isaac said. “But wherever Augustus is right now, I’m not angry at him. Because in stealing my Wish, Augustus was simply living by his principles: namely, the principle of doing whatever it takes to get laid. He stuck to this principle, even though it meant fucking over his best friend. That’s true dedication to principles, and I can only hope that in my own life, I’ll be able to follow my principles as devotedly as he followed his. Rest in peace, my friend.”

Isaac and Augustus were both now crying. Augustus walked over to Isaac and they hugged for a long time.

“Thanks, bro,” Augustus said.

“You’re such an asshole,” Isaac said.

Isaac sat down, and Augustus approached the podium.

“Our second and final speaker tonight will be Hazel Grace.”

Augustus sat down. I took a deep breath, walked up to the podium, and pulled out a piece of paper on which I’d written my speech.

“Many people affect your life,” I said. “But very few people change it. Augustus Waters changed my life more than any other person has, or ever will. Before I met Augustus Waters, I had never had sex. I never thought boys would like me, and I never thought I would like boys. I thought all I wanted to do was sit alone at home and watch TV. But Augustus Waters opened his heart to me, and made me comfortable enough with a boy to make me want to have a boy’s penis inside my vagina. And when that penis was inside my vagina, I realized I liked it. Not just liked it, loved it.”

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. As I wiped it away, I noticed that Augustus was crying as well.

“I realize now that having sex is an essential part of who I am,” I continued. “But without Augustus Waters, I never would have discovered this, and never would have become truly myself. By making me who I am, Augustus, you will live on, even though you are no longer physically with us. Every time I have sex with a boy, whether it’s a significant other or a one night stand, whether it’s one boy or two, or perhaps even more, I will think of you, and thank you, and know you are there with me, and celebrate how unbelievably lucky I am to have had your penis inside my vagina.”