The Devil Wears Black

November 2, 2009

Dear Maddie,

This is goodbye. I feel it in my bones. I’m so sorry I won’t be there to see you walking down the aisle. To help with your little ones should you decide to have children. I am so terribly sorry I will not be there for the breakups, and for the teenage drama, and for the small victories, and all the realizations that unfold throughout life, like thinly wrapped chocolate pieces. They all taste different, my darling Maddie. Every single lesson life teaches you is a gift, no matter the hurdles it puts in your way.

I love you, Madison. Not only because you are mine, but because you are wonderfully good, considerate, bright, and sweet. Because you are creative and your laughter reminds me of Christmas bells. Because you are all the best things about your father, and all the great things about me. You make me selfishly proud.

Before I say my final goodbye, I have another, last fun fact about flowers for you. The pretty pink pom-pom heads of the mimosa pudica look gorgeously brilliant and fuzzy, but they are actually quite sensitive. The pom-poms will fold up shyly when they are touched. They’re vibrant and blossoming—but only from afar. They are, essentially, untouchable.

Don’t shy away from the world. You will get hurt. You will hurt others, even if you don’t mean to. Pain is inevitable through life. But joy is too. So seize the day.

Love hard.

Get lots of sleep.

Eat well.

And remember our flower rule: if it doesn’t make you grow or blossom—let it go.

All my love,

Mom. x

Three days later, I took the train to Philadelphia to see my dad. I hadn’t talked to him about Chase since we’d gotten back together a few weeks ago. It had seemed redundant, seeing as we weren’t going to last. Dad and I had a routine. We met at Iris’s Golden Blooms, where I helped him sort out his bookkeeping twice a month, and in return, I got a nice Chinese meal at a corner restaurant near our house, followed by industrial Costco ice cream in front of the TV while he filled me in on our small-town gossip. Dad had a girlfriend. A sweet lady named Maggie, whom I was super grateful for, because she kept him busy and happy and gave him all the attention I couldn’t. She also understood us on another level and never once complained about the fact the flower shop he owned still held his late wife’s name.

Today wasn’t any different. I went through the motions: bookkeeping, Chinese food, ice cream from a tub you could hide a body in. Dad asked if I wanted to sleep over at their place. To his delight, I accepted. New York reminded me too much of Chase. Every street corner and skyscraper was soaked with a memory of him.

The next morning I went to the cemetery. I wasn’t big on graveyards. They were too much of a reminder one day I’d be a resident. But for Mom, I went once a year, on her birthday.

Which happened to be today.

I always brought baked goods, a balloon, and—drumroll, please—flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. This time, I arrived with lilacs and tulips and marigolds, laying them on her tombstone after scrubbing it clean to the point of blistered knuckles. Then I sat down next to a paper plate full of muffins I’d baked at dawn, brushing the cold stone as I filled her in on Layla’s shenanigans.

“I forgot to tell you. I was also chosen to design the Dream Wedding Dress at work. After marrying half the kids on my block, I finally created my own, personal dream dress. Know the best part, Mom? Even when my boss didn’t really like the design, I stood my ground and made it happen. But the thing is, I’ve come to understand that maybe the perfect dress I’d been obsessing about is not the thing I should be most worried about. I think I just let go of my dream man. And . . . it frightens me.”

Silence stretched across the crisp morning air. Birds chirped, and everything was coated with fresh dew. I drew a deep breath, closing my eyes. “You know, Mom, I finally figured out it wasn’t my fault. I know it sounds bizarre, and maybe a little juvenile at twenty-six, but there was always a small part of me that wondered if you were taken away from me because I was a horrible person. I no longer think that way. I see Katie and Chase and Lori, how they are losing the person they love most, and I get it. Life is like a game of russian roulette. You really don’t know how it’s going to pan out for you; you’re just here for the ride. Tragedy is like winning the lottery, but in reverse. But I can’t be afraid to live anymore. To let people down. To cower. No more Martyr Maddie for me. I thought if I was good and sweet to everyone, I’d prevent another disaster. But you can’t expect to win the lottery, so why should you be constantly worried about having another tragedy turn up at your doorstep? I’m done playing it safe.”

I kissed the tombstone, giving Mom’s name one last brush.

“By the way, you would have loved Daisy. She is a hoot. I’ll bring a picture of her next time I come visit. Do you know Chase was the only man who ever entered my apartment and didn’t get the pee-in-shoe treatment? Do you think it’s a sign?”

I looked around me, actually waiting for a sign. Like in the movies. A dramatic lightning bolt slicing the sky. A flower opening unexpectedly into full bloom. Even a phone call from Chase himself would have been sufficient. Which was why the stillness of everything around me made me chuckle. Kismet didn’t happen in real life.

Just as I turned around to walk away, a groundkeeper appeared from behind a tree, holding a leaf blower and sparing me a tired smile. He wore a black uniform. The tee that stretched across his chest read in white: Black Solutions.

“Thanks, Mom.” I smiled. For me, it was enough.

Chase: Is the offer to be friends still on the table?

Maddie: You mean the one you rejected?

Chase: *While highly intoxicated and nursing a shattered ego. Yes.

Maddie: Yes. I would love to be there for you.

Chase: What are your plans for tonight?

Maddie: Watch Daisy chasing after Frank the squirrel in her quest to make love to him?

Chase: Can I join you?

Maddie: I mean, you’d have to ask them but the bar is set pretty low for Daisy if she chooses Frank for a lover.

Chase: Plus, it would be consistent with my devilish reputation to bang her roommate.

Maddie: Oh boy. I would pay good money to see your face when Daisy and Frank go at it.

Chase: You need a hobby.

Maddie: Not all of us can afford entertainment in the form of exotic ranches on lakes and mansions in the Hamptons. Us mortals have to make do with less lavish time wasters.

Chase: You mortals also have Netflix.

Maddie: I withdraw the invitation to watch Daisy and Frank recreating Gone with the Wind.

Chase: What if I come bearing food?

Maddie: Sushi?

Chase: Naturally.

Maddie: We’re on. But no lip about my movie choice when you get here. I don’t like your sass.

Chase: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Chase: Thank you for taking Katie and Mom for lunch. They appreciated it.

Maddie: Technically they took me.

Chase: You paid.

Maddie: Sneakily.

Chase: You’re good at sneaking into places.

Maddie: Like where?

Chase: My heart.

<Chase has removed a message from the chat>

Maddie: Was shopping for sex toys with Layla. What did you delete? Where’d I sneak into?

Chase: Nothing.

Maddie: CHASE.

Chase: Platonic pizza tonight?

Maddie: Not sure I’m familiar with that topping.

Chase: It’s my least favorite and includes you fully clothed. Then I’ll go home to jerk off while you make use of your new sex toy purchases.

Maddie: Platonic pizza sounds good.

Chase: My turn to choose the movie.

Maddie: I want you to know that I will never forgive you for Scarface.

Chase: I was going for Love, Actually but didn’t want my mascara to get ruined.

Maddie: You wouldn’t cry during Schindler’s List. You have no heart, remember?

Chase: Yeah, because you stole it.

<Chase removed a message from the chat>

Maddie: What did you delete? I took Daisy for a walk and things got a little intense with Frank. She almost caught him this time.

Chase: I said I do have a heart.

Chase: I keep it in a glass jar on my desk.

Chase: Okay that is a Stephen King quote. But the sentiment is clear.

Maddie: I demand a rematch.

Chase: A rematch?

Maddie: A movie of my choice which you should suffer through. I’m actually thinking of making it even more painful. How about Clemmy chooses it? Is she back from Wisconsin yet?

Chase: Last night, yeah. Let me call Amber and set it up.

Maddie: How are things between you and Amber?

Chase: I think she is starting to realize we are not going to happen.

Maddie: And Julian?

Chase: Julian and I are definitely not going to happen either.

Maddie: (wondering smiley)

Chase: He’s busy with the divorce. We haven’t really talked about us (idk what it is about you that inspires me to talk like a chick, but there you have it).

Maddie: I have a confession to make.

Chase: I was your best, huh? I knew it.

Maddie: I miss what we had but I’m so afraid you are going to break my heart again or dump me after this is all over.

<Maddie removed a message from the chat>

Chase: ?

Maddie: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Forget it.

Chase: (fuck you smiley)