The Darkness We Hide

The silence stretched out as Gareth entered, closing the door and moving to sit on the edge of a nearby armchair, keeping his eyes on his clasped hands.

Realizing that he didn’t know what to say, Michelle stood and limped to her bedroom to retrieve the watch. Without a word she handed it to him.

As he accepted it, his hand enclosed hers, holding it tightly.

“I’m sorry,” he said under his breath, still not looking up at her.

“Sure,” she replied, not knowing what else to say.

“Michelle,” Gareth said, taking a deep breath. “I wanted to explain about disappearing after last night.”

“You really don’t have to,” Michelle said, trying to escape his grip.

“No,” he replied, moving with her to sit on the couch. “I need to explain. You see, I haven’t been intimate with a woman in a really long time.”

“I find that very hard to believe,” Michelle said incredulously.

“It’s true,” he said seriously, shaking his head. “I haven’t been to bed with anyone since before I deployed to Iraq four years ago.”

“Why are you telling me this?” she asked, uncomfortable being this close to him again.

“Please,” he said with a heavy sigh, placing his hand on her knee. “I am trying very hard to explain. I was engaged before I left, and for two years all I could think about was getting home to her, to Caroline.

“She never told me she was sick,” he sobbed, his voice catching in his throat as he tried to stop the tears. “She knew before I left that she had cancer, but she didn’t want me to worry, so she kept it to herself.

“Her family kept it from me too,” he explained sniffling, “they never approved of our relationship. She went through a year of treatment all the while writing to me and talking to me on the phone acting as if nothing was wrong. In the end it wasn’t enough. She died. When I found out she was dead I lost my mind. I took every mission offered, no matter the danger, and eventually I took one too many risks. I led my squad into an ambush and I was the only one to walk away.

“I spent two months in a hospital in Germany before I was discharged and sent home to San Diego, but with Caroline gone I couldn’t stay there, I had nothing.

“I moved back to Montana with my folks, but,” he said, looking up at her giving a half-hearted chuckle, “you can probably guess how that went.

“A month ago I packed my bags and drove away,” he sighed, dropping his eyes again. “I didn’t stop driving until I reached the Sound, planning on jumping in, but I couldn’t. So I found an apartment, got a job and I’ve just lived from day to day, until last night.

“Last night,” he continued, wiping an errant tear from his eyes, “I decided to go to a bar for a drink. And I saw you. You looked so lovely standing by the bar, and while I was trying to figure out how to talk to you, you vanished. I thought I’d missed my chance. But then I saw you slip and I had to make sure you were okay.

“I carried you home, and well,” averting his eyes before he admitted, “I guess you could say that afterwards I panicked. I never thought anything like that would happen and when it did I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m sorry.”

Not knowing what to say to all this, Michelle sat quietly, thinking. Hearing his story had brought tears to her own eyes.

“Say something,” Gareth begged, “please.”

“What do you want me to say?” Michelle replied softly. “I mean, last night was amazing, but this,” she sighed, gesturing to him sitting in her living room, “this I have no idea what to do with.

“What did you expect to happen when you came here today?” she asked him sternly.

“I don’t know,” Gareth replied sadly, looking at her.

“I think,” he faltered, absently ringing his hands. “I think I would like very much to actually get to know you.”

“That’s not how one night stands work,” she explained.

“Michelle,” Gareth said, scooting closer to her, “I would like, if possible, for you and I to start over, maybe have a real date and conversations. Hopefully see more of each other.”

“I’m not sure there’s much of me you haven’t already seen,” Michelle countered with a giggle, trying to lighten the mood.

Gareth chuckled, a boyish grin on his face.

“I guess not, but you know what I mean. I haven’t been able to let anyone near me, physically or emotionally, since I got back. Last night was the first time I felt comfortable enough with someone to let them get that close to me.”

“Really?” Michelle asked, searching his face for the truth of what he said.

“So,” Gareth ventured, his hand gently squeezing her knee, “what do you think?”

“I think... I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “I’ve never been in a situation like this.”

“Me neither,” Gareth answered, running his free hand through his disheveled hair. “Maybe we could try dinner some night?”

“How about lunch?” Michelle suggested, her stomach seconding the idea with a rumble. “I know a great sushi place just down the street.”

A smile melted th worry from Gareth’s face, softening the hard lines, “Sure, my treat.”